


Kinda Like Family, Kinda Like Love

by followyourenergy



Series: Kinda Like Love [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Absent John Winchester, Adoption, Close-knit families, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Ethicist Castiel, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Gay Sex, Homoromantic Dean Winchester, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Large Families, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Professor Castiel, Questioning Dean Winchester, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Supportive families (mostly), Teacher Dean Winchester, adorable children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-05-01 19:43:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 122,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14527815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/followyourenergy/pseuds/followyourenergy
Summary: Cas has wanted nothing more than to have children of his own. But when he finally gets his chance after years of disappointment, a strict set of rules almost dashes those dreams. Enter Dean Winchester: eternal bachelor, friend, and suddenly, Cas’ fiancé. Join Cas and Dean as they navigate marriage, adoption, and something that starts to feel kinda like love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, all you beautiful people! I missed you! Here is my latest. I will post at least weekly, probably on Fridays. I may increase to twice-weekly if my schedule allows. Enjoy! <3

“I’ll bring whatever you’ve left here to your sister’s.”

“Don’t bother, asshole! Like you give a shit anyway. You’ve obviously made your choice!”  

“Yes, I have.”

“Yeah, well, fuck you!”   _Slam._

Dean heard the end of the argument between the calm man and the screaming man through the crappy front door that led to their shared hallway. He hoped that was the end of it. The relationship, that is. He heard his neighbor’s (hopefully ex) boyfriend Cash peel out of the parking lot. _Douchebag_ , he thought. _There are little kids around here._ A few minutes later he heard his neighbor banging around the apartment next door.  He decided to stick his nose where it didn’t belong.

“Castiel?” he called into the apartment, not bothering to knock despite not knowing the guy all that well.

“In here,” Castiel yelled from the direction of the bathroom.

“Hey,” he greeted his neighbor of six months.  Castiel tried to apologize for the noise, but Dean waved him off.  He hadn’t been the one running his damn mouth for the whole complex to hear.  “What’s the word?”

“The word is that Cash is no longer welcome here, and you have my permission to kick his ass if he tries to come near my apartment.”

“Yes! Finally, I have permission!” Dean joked with more enthusiasm than he probably should have, since they apparently just broke up. Castiel didn’t seem too upset, though, so whatever.

“Just don’t get caught,” Castiel warned with a smirk that surprised Dean, given how quiet and sedate he always seemed to be.

“You got it. You alright?”

“I will be.”

“What happened?” Dean asked.  Not that he had any right to know, but he wasn’t above sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.

Castiel shrugged as he packed a trash bag with toiletries, dropping them on top of an assortment of random shit the guy had apparently left there over the course of their relationship. “We wanted different things. Except he _said_ he wanted what I wanted.  Now he says he doesn’t and never did. He led me on in hopes that I would change my mind. He thought that I would be so desperate to keep him that I’d overlook his deceit and what I want in my life. He was wrong, and he’s pissed.”

“Sorry, man.”

Castiel sighed. “My own fault for falling for the fantasy of a man actually wanting a family with me.”  He looked up at Dean and smiled mischievously. “Wanna help me get rid of his shit?”

“Yes, I do,” Dean smiled.

That was a year ago. He and Castiel (well, _Cas_ now) were casual friends then, the kind of friends born of proximity. Acquaintances, really. Dean didn't do what most people would call friendship. Since then, though, he’s developed a close friendship with Cas, who’s pretty different than him but in all the best ways. Cas is reserved but wickedly funny and quick, while Dean is outgoing and funny, but in a goofier way.  Cas loves tech, and Dean has sort of a lukewarm relationship with it. Cas is philosophical, and Dean is practical. They balance each other out nicely, and are very similar in lots of ways, too — they both love fantasy and video games, they both love their moms and siblings, they both love their jobs, they both love the outdoors and German food and _Futurama_.  But probably the biggest reason they get along so nicely is that, although they’re different, they have a mutual respect for each other’s freedom to choose what’s best for them.  Nowhere is this more evident than in their love lives — Cas’ lack of and Dean’s variety of.

“Whoring it up again tonight, Dean?” Cas jokes one Friday as he comes in the door to the apartment building as Dean comes out, freshly showered and shaved.

“You’re just jealous,” he winks as he stops to talk.  

“So jealous,” he winks in return.  “And how far is our fair town’s finest Kindergarten teacher going for some tail tonight?”

“You know my rule, Cas.  At least an hour and a half out of town.  Lord knows I don’t need to be boinking some student’s mom.”

“You’re so noble.”

“Damn straight.”

“I wouldn’t know about being damn straight, so I’ll take your word for it.”  

“We should really hook you up, Cas,” Dean says.  It’s an old argument he knows he’ll lose.

“Not into that.  You know that. I’m an old-fashioned boy,” he says with a grin.  He much prefers the security and closeness of a relationship, especially when it comes to sex.

“A hopeless romantic,” Dean smiles with fondness.  “You’re gonna be married with a bunch of kids someday, and I’m gonna be your perpetual bachelor buddy that your husband hates because I’m boorish and a bad influence.”

“My Friday night escape from the stresses of marriage and children,” he says with a hand perched in mock weariness across his forehead.  “My fishing buddy, my poker buddy…”

“I am _never_ playing poker with you again!”

“Not my fault you suck,” Cas smirks as he unlocks his mailbox and removes three flyers and a mass mailing for life insurance.  

“Thought that was you.  That’s the rumor I heard,” Dean volleys.

“The rumor is true,” he says, his serious, sharp blue eyes meeting Dean’s until Dean cracks.

“Does anyone know what a snarky asshole you are?” Dean mutters through a huff of laughter.

“Only a privileged few.  Enjoy your evening. Drive home safely tonight.  It’s supposed to be foggy.” He nods at his friend and walks toward his door.  

“Hey!” Dean turns and shouts, making his friend turn.  “What makes you think I’m coming home?”

“You never stay, Dean,” he comments, then gives him a small smile before heading into his apartment.

Dean stares at his friend’s closed door and purses his lips.  “Just ‘cause it’s true doesn’t mean you have to say it,” he mutters, then sticks his tongue out toward the door and turns on his heel, ready to find out who the lucky winner will be tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

The following Monday, Cas scrolls through his inbox as he munches on a Cobb salad he bought at the grocery store on the way home.  His e-mail sorter program has gotten rid of most of the trash, and he’s left with the things he actually cares about. His top priority is the one with the subject line: Uncle Cas!!!!!  He laughs as he opens the e-mail from Gabriel’s account that is clearly from his nieces, Shara and Anji. There’s a series of photos of them mugging for the camera, makeup smeared all over their faces, along with an invitation to their parents’ annual Halloween party, which of course he’s going to attend.  He wouldn’t pass up a chance to see all of his nieces and his nephew. In Cas’ work, he could’ve gone just about anywhere, but he wanted to stay close to his family, and he’s glad he did. He only wishes he could be bringing his own children to the party, too.

Cas has always loved children and always wanted a family of his own.  He is “the romantic one” in his family, the one who always wanted the spouse and the children and the dog.  He despaired for a while once he figured out he’s gay, but his mom told him that shouldn’t be a barrier, and there were lots of ways to have a family.  Her support is one of the major reasons he’s never given up, despite watching his siblings have their own families while he withers on the vine.

Most of his friends and acquaintances don’t really understand his desire.  He hears things like “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be!” or “You should enjoy your freedom!” or even “Your kids might be given a hard time,” the latter usually delivered with a cringe that is supposed to convey that they feel bad for saying it but is really conveying that they hope Cas won’t yell at them (or worse) because they couldn’t keep their mouths shut.  He understands that parenting is a tough job, that you lose a lot of freedom, and even that his kids might be targeted for having a gay parent (or parents, he hopes). But they don’t understand that where others see bigotry, Cas sees the chance to teach love. Where others see hardship, Cas sees challenges and learning. Where others see freedom, Cas sees loneliness and a hole in his heart where he’s reserved a place for his children.  He feels, deep in his bones, that he is meant to be a parent. And though most people don’t understand this, his friend Dean does.

Dean isn’t really the “get married and have kids” type, or at least that’s what he says.  He’s a self-professed “eternal bachelor,” desiring the freedom that comes with not being tied to one partner or too many commitments.  Not that he’s not a committed man. Dean is wholly committed to his mother and brother and to his job as a Kindergarten teacher. He’s supportive of his brother’s marriage and loves his niece just as Cas loves his myriad of nieces and his nephew.  Cas thinks he’d be an excellent catch for someone… if only Dean wanted to be caught. Cas suspects his father’s affairs and subsequent abandonment of their family influences him in some way, but he tries not to play psychoanalyst and accept that for whatever reason, it’s not Dean’s thing and maybe never will be.  And that’s okay, because despite that, they get along well and Dean is very supportive of Cas’ desire for a family.

His phone rings in his hand while he’s texting with his brother Michael’s son, Alfie, who wants Cas to take him costume shopping for Gabe and Kali’s party.  It’s over a month away, but he wants to go early for the best selection. He frowns, not recognizing the number.

“Hello?”

“Mr. Milton?”

“Yes?”

“This is Naomi Mullins from Little Angels.  I’m calling about your inquiry into adoption?”

Cas nearly drops the phone in surprise.  He put in the inquiry online a year ago, just after things imploded with Cash.  He’d been tired of waiting for Mr. Right to stroll through the door, so he took a leap of faith. It was a simple name-address-and-phone-number sort of form, and when he didn’t hear back immediately he assumed that either there was a huge waiting list for the reputable, exclusive adoption agency, or that he didn’t make the callback list for whatever reason. He was used to rejection, so he didn’t think much of it. “Ms. Mullins!  Yes! How are you?” he manages to say.

“Quite well, thank you.  You inquired about adoption a while back, and I would like to sit with you for an interview.  Are you still interested in adoption?”

“Yes, absolutely!” Cas says, just barely keeping himself from shouting.

“Very well. If, after the interview, you are selected for further consideration, we will proceed with the next steps.  How is tomorrow at 7:00?”

“Please hold for just a moment while I check,” he says, flipping to the calendar in his phone but knowing full well he will cancel anything he has scheduled.  Luckily, he is free. “Yes, that would be wonderful.”

“Excellent.  I look forward to meeting you and your partner then.”  She hangs up before he has a chance to correct her, but he doesn’t care.  He wants to yell with joy. So he does. His yelling draws Dean to his door.

“You okay in here?” Dean asks as he pokes his head through the door (still not one for knocking) and sees Cas dancing around his kitchen.

“I am better than okay!” he exclaims, then whoops as he pulls Dean inside and grasps him by the shoulders.  “I’m one step closer to being a dad!”

Dean’s eyes and smile widen exponentially, the joy for his friend breaking across his face.  “That’s awesome, man! Holy shit, congrats!”

“Thank you!  Oh, okay, I have sooo much to do, shit!  I have to clean the house, clear out the extra bedroom so she sees I have space for a baby, buy…”

“Wait, wait,” Dean laughs.  “Stop bouncing. Sit. Let’s have a beer and you can tell me all about it.”

“Beer!  I have to get that out of here.  She’ll think I’m some sort of drunk!  Will you take it? Please?”

Dean chuckles when he sticks his head in the fridge.  “I hardly think a six-pack that’s been in here at least three months with only two bottles missing qualifies you as a drunk.  Come on. We’ll each have one, and then I’ll take the other two home. Deal?”

“Deal,” Cas smiles, wrapping his hands around the cold seasonal ale that’s a season behind.  Cas launches into the story of how he found the agency online and heard good things, sent in an inquiry, and has waited all this time until he got the out-of-the-blue call.  He tells him about the call and about her assumption that he has a partner. “I’ll just explain to her tomorrow that I’ll be doing this on my own,” he finishes.

“Little Angels?” Dean clarifies with a thoughtful look.  “I think that’s the agency my brother and his wife went through.”

“Is it?  Did they have a good experience?”

“They were… strict,” Dean says cautiously.  “They have a lot of guidelines. I mean, Sam and Eileen were happy with them, but they met all the criteria pretty easily.  The interviews were tough, though. A bunch of us were interviewed, too, to make sure the extended family was a good fit and to make sure they would be supportive.”

“Well, that shouldn’t be a problem,” Cas says.

“I think you have to be married,” he continues with a grimace, hating to be the one to burst his friend’s bubble.

Cas frowns. “Married?  Why?”

“Stable home environment or some shit,” Dean says.  “I remember the lady was pretty insistent. Sam and Eileen started looking into adoption while they were engaged because they’d been dating forever and wanted a family right away, and Eileen doesn’t have her uterus or something, I don’t know.  Anyway, she said they had to be married before a child could be placed with them.”

“Oh,” Cas says, frowning now.  “Well, I’m sure she can be reasonable.  I have a flexible job, plenty of money, a large family, and I’ve wanted this for years.  Anyone who knows me will be able to vouch for me. I can give a child more love and support on my own than many couples can.”

“I believe you, man.  I just don’t want you to get screwed.”

Cas sighs.  

“How about a surrogate?” Dean asks.

“I can’t.  I mean, I didn’t want to anyway, because I didn’t want to bring another child into the world when there are many children needing homes already.  But in desperation, I started the process a few years ago and found I’m sterile. Soooo… that’s that.”

Dean nods his head and Cas appreciates the absence of sympathetic words.  “Have you considered adopting through the state? Like, foster to adopt or something?  Or another adoption agency?”

“I… thought about it,” Cas says carefully.  “I haven’t received any calls from the other agencies.  As for the state, I checked into it, but the people I spoke to weren’t, uh, very open to having a single, gay man adopt an infant.”

“Well that’s pretty fucked up,” Dean frowns.

“It is,” he sighs again.  “Getting through the system is often an uphill battle full of red tape and uncertainty, and with the bias I encountered, I just… didn’t feel comfortable.”  He shifts in place nervously. “And this is going to sound horrible, I know, but I really want to raise my child from infancy, at least my first one. I just… it could be the only child I have, the only chance I have, and I just really want to experience everything.  I’m a jerk, I know. I could give a deserving older child a chance...”

“You’re not a jerk,” Dean soothes his friend.  “If that’s what you feel is best for you, then that’s what’s best for you.  And you _are_ giving a deserving child a chance.”

“Thank you,” Cas says sincerely, feeling fortunate to have Dean in his corner.  “I can’t tell you how good it feels to hear that.” Dean gives him a warm smile, and Cas has hope that everything will be alright.

Dean doesn’t think everything will be alright.

Despite Cas’ hope that the lady from the adoption agency will be understanding, Dean has his doubts, especially if it’s the same one he remembers.  A call with his brother Sam confirms it.

“You guys went through Little Angels for Ella, right?” Dean asks Sam after leaving Cas’.

“Yeah.”

“You had to be married, right?”

“Yeah, or in a legally recognized union, although I guess now that everyone can get married I don’t know if they would allow the union thing.”

“Can they do that?  Is that legal?”

“Are you thinking of adopting?” Sam asks with amusement.

“No, dumbass, it’s for Cas.”

“Ah,” Sam says.  Sam knows that Cas wants to adopt.  Sam knows quite a bit about Cas, actually, both from the few times they’ve hung out together and from Dean’s running commentary about the guy.  “Well, it’s a private agency, and it was set up according to the wishes of the guy who started it. I guess he bounced through a bunch of foster homes and, when he found his permanent home, kind of modeled it after his adoptive parents’ relationship or something.  That’s what we were told.”

“But he didn’t care about gay people adopting?”

“Apparently not, as long as they’re in stable, legally committed relationships.”

“Wow.”

“He had his reasons, I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess.  Cas isn’t with anyone.  Think it’ll hurt his chances?”

“He won’t have a chance,” Sam says.  “They’re really strict.”

“Shit,” Dean mutters.  “This is gonna devastate him.”

“Why doesn’t he go through another agency or through the state?  Or a surrogate?”

“That’s a shitshow, too,” Dean says, and tells Sam about Cas’ other efforts.  

“So this could be his only option, at least for a while,” Sam concludes.

“Yeah.”

“That sucks.”

“It’s not fair, man,” Dean complains.  “Cas would be a great dad. He was raised by a single mom and he turned out great.  And we were raised pretty much by just mom and we turned out alright.” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair in frustration.  “He wants this so bad, Sam. It’s not fair that there are thousands of guys who have kids and don’t want them, and this awesome guy that does want them gets blocked everywhere he goes.  Where the hell is the justice in that?”

“There is none,” Sam says.  Dean hears Ella screeching for her father in the background.  “I gotta go. Sorry about Cas, man. If there’s anything I can do, let me know.  I’d be willing to put in a good word for him with the agency.”

“Thanks, man.  Night.”

Dean’s sleep is restless, the thing with Cas bothering him more than it should.  Cas has become a good friend, and he hates to see him screwed out of a chance to be a parent.  Even more, he hates to see a kid get screwed out of the chance to have Cas as a parent. He thinks of his own father and feels the usual anger and resentment simmer under his skin.  John Winchester started off as a good dad, according to their mother, but things went downhill when they hit a rough patch in their marriage and his father sought solace in another woman’s arms.  Soon that woman became another woman, and another, until he finally found one that met whatever standard he wanted. She got pregnant, and that was the end of that. He had a family, and he didn’t stay. Not even for his own kids.  Sure, he visited every so often, when he felt like it, but his new son got the baseball games and the swimming lessons and the everyday stuff, and Sam and Dean got the scraps, the two hours at the crappy diner or the occasional movie. Dean doesn’t know what the hell they did to deserve that. Of course, he left them, too, but it doesn’t make Dean feel any better.  Dean is confident, though, that Cas would be attentive and treat his child the way he or she deserved to be treated. By the morning, he decides he has to do whatever he can to help Cas out. Dean spends what little free time he has at work researching laws and the adoption agency and finds that Cas is, indeed, going to be screwed.

Just before the back-to-school open house starts (why they do it in the middle of September rather than before school remains a mystery to Dean), he receives a text from Cas:

_Cas 4:12pm:  I’m freaking out.  I think I’ve changed my shirt three times from all the sweating I’ve been doing.  Please send me some encouraging words. Tell me it will be okay._

Dean has never heard Cas so uncertain and nervous.  The man speaks to audiences of hundreds, even thousands.  He’s been on national television. He’s called in as an expert at huge businesses.  And yet, nothing has rattled him the way this screening interview has.

_Dean 4:14pm:  It’s going to be okay, Cas._

_Cas 4:15pm:  I hope so. If this doesn’t work out I might have to give up._

Oh, hell no.  

_Dean 4:16pm:  No way. Don’t give up.  You’re meant to be a father.  I know it._

_Cas 4:16pm:  No one else seems to._

Dean thinks about the idea that came to him while he was fighting to fall asleep last night.  Could he do it? Should he do it?

_Dean 4:18pm:  I do. I’ll do anything I can to help you._

_Cas 4:22pm:  I know, Dean.  Thank you so much for your support.  Let’s just hope Ms. Mullins is as supportive and believes in me as much as you do.  I’m going to go for a run or something. I have to stop staring at the four walls and thinking of worst-case scenarios.  Besides, I’ve already soaked this shirt in sweat. Might as well be productive about it._

_Dean 4:24pm:  Go run it off.  It’s going to be okay._

He soon gets distracted by meeting with the parents of his little students, but goes right back to thinking about Cas and his situation on his way home.  He thinks about his idea again, and tries to play devil’s advocate with himself, telling himself that maybe Naomi will be understanding or maybe if Cas is rejected it’s meant to be or maybe Cas will decide when he meets her that he doesn’t want to work with this agency.  He dismisses all of his arguments, knowing in his heart that there’s no way Cas will give this up, nor is there any way that Naomi will back off. But will Cas go along with his idea? That’s the real problem. Dean has no problem with his plan, but Cas might, ideologically or ethically.  But which action leads to the greater good? That’s the ultimate question. Heh. Cas is usually the philosophical one, but Dean can ponder the bigger questions, too. And as he turns into their parking lot and sees Naomi Mullins disappearing into the complex — stiff, severe, all-business, and holding his friend’s dream in the palm of her hand — he knows the answer.  He just hopes Cas agrees. He parks and breaks into a run.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Tuesday posting! I’m thinking it might become a Tuesday/Friday thing, but don’t hold me to it. :)

Everything is ready, or as ready as it’ll ever be.  Cas made supper but couldn’t eat it, his gut filled with anxiety. Instead, he steeps some tea and sips it slowly, trying to get himself to calm down.  It won’t do any good to be too anxious, he knows. In fact, if she sees that he’s anxious, she may have doubts about his ability to care for a child.  He stares at the glowing green digits on the microwave until the numbers tick to 7:00. A knock on his door startles him out of his daze, and he quickly cleans up the spilled tea from his cup before he stands and opens the door to what he hopes will be the start of a new life.

Naomi Mullins is an older, serious-looking woman.  She wears a pressed pantsuit and carries a briefcase.  If he met her anywhere else — the halls of academia, Congress, a boardroom, an auditorium — he would be impressed but comfortable and confident enough in himself to have a conversation about whatever topic she chose.  But here, at his apartment, when she holds his future in a small leather satchel, he’s intimidated and afraid. Still, he manages to at least force his mouth to speak.

“Ms. Mullins.  Please, come in.”  He moves aside and she nods as she steps inside.  “I’m Castiel Milton.”

“Naomi Mullins,” she says, taking his hand and shaking it firmly.  She looks around as if expecting something.

“May I offer you some tea?” he asks in an effort to put her at ease.

“Yes, thank you.  Milk and sugar, please.  May I have a look around?”

“Of course, please do,” he says, then turns away to fix her tea and show her that he is confident that she will find everything to her satisfaction, even though he has very little confidence.

She takes a quick look around (since the apartment isn’t that large) as Cas fixes the beverage.  “So, Mr. Milton,” she says, returning to the kitchen. “I was wondering where…”

The door swinging open startles them both, and Cas is confused to see Dean rush in and hurriedly close it behind him.  “Hey. Sorry I’m late, sweetheart,” he says, pulling Cas into a hug, which only confuses him more. “Hug me and follow my lead,” Dean whispers into Cas’ ear desperately.  “Please.” Then, out loud, Dean says to Cas, “The open house ran a little over. I finally got to talk to the parents of that little one I told you about, the one I’m concerned about.”  He hangs his jacket on the coat rack that Cas never seems to use and sets his bag on the floor. “Hi. Ms. Mullins, right? You did my brother’s adoption. Sam and Eileen Winchester-Leahy.  I apologize for being tardy. Not a good thing for a teacher,” he smiles charmingly.

“I remember them.  Lovely people. And I remember you,” she says, squinting at him with an assessing stare.  Dean gulps but tries to remain composed.

“We’re so happy to be working with you.  Getting your call was like a dream come true.  I swear it took me hours to get Cas down off the ceiling.”  He grins and wraps his arm around Cas, and Cas slides an arm around Dean’s waist in return.

“Shall we sit in the living room?” Cas asks.  

The three move to the living room, Cas carrying Naomi’s tea for her and placing it on the end table next to an overstuffed chair.  Naomi sits and takes a computer out of her bag, then sets up her phone to record the interview. While she’s distracted, Cas side-eyes Dean, who raises his brows quickly and swallows.  Cas feels like he missed a big memo somewhere along the way. He’d been planning to tell Naomi that he is going to be adopting on his own. Now, it seems, he won’t be. He’s not sure whether to be angry or grateful, so he sits quietly and waits.  Dean watches Cas out of the corner of his eye.

“Now, before we get started, I want to be clear that this meeting is solely to determine whether we will accept an application from you.  You have not been approved for anything at this time.”

“Yes, I told Cas how it works, even the whole marriage thing,” Dean says, taking Cas’ hand, “which, of course, isn’t a problem.  Or it won’t be, once we tie the knot.”

_Tie the knot?_  Cas squeezes Dean’s hand quickly, and Dean returns the squeeze with a tight, steady pressure, not looking at him.  

“Ah, yes.  So of course you remember, Mr. Winchester, that you must be married before we’ll consider giving your profile to any of the birth parents.”  Cas’ heart sinks into his gut, where it swims in acid and burns painfully.

“Of course.  Like I said, no problem,” Dean replies.  “We’re planning a small ceremony next month.”  He looks at Cas and smiles warmly, hoping to God Cas gets this.

Cas glances at Dean, smiling as he swallows hard, and turns back to Naomi with his legendary poker face.  “May I ask why you only consider married couples? I’m just curious,” he adds when he feels Dean start to panic next to him.

“We believe that when people are legally committed to one another, it creates greater safety and stability for the child, including providing the financial and legal assurances that obligate two people to be responsible for the child.  We also believe that the presence of two loving parents who have taken steps to commit to each other contributes to a child’s long-term emotional health.”

“I see,” Cas says.  “I was raised by a single parent.”

“Single parents are wonderful parents, Mr. Milton, but adoption is difficult.  Children who are adopted, even when they have an ideal home with loving adoptive parents, often face fears, insecurities, and grief that children who are in a healthy situation with their biological parents do not face, and it was our founder’s belief that adoptive parents who have the support of a partner are better equipped to handle the challenges.  He lived with many families and was also an adoptive parent himself. We are required to meet the criteria he established for the agency.”

Cas nods.  He doesn’t like it, but he understands where the founder is coming from.  Dean loosens his grip a little.

“I assure you,” Naomi continues, “that, if you are chosen to continue, you will come to understand the reasons for our stringent requirements.”

“Yes,” Cas says on an exhale.  

“Now, why do you want to be parents?”

Cas glances at Dean again, and Dean gives him an encouraging smile.  “Well, I knew even when I was a child that I wanted to be a parent someday,” Cas answers, his sincerity softening his features.  “I love nurturing others, intellectually and emotionally, and I felt so blessed in my own life to have others who cared for me so completely.  I want an opportunity to give that same kind of love and care to another human being.”

“That is lovely.  And you, Mr. Winchester?”

Dean knew he should’ve been ready for this question, but he isn’t.  What does he say? That he’s never wanted to be a father because he’s afraid of becoming just like his own father and screwing up his family?  He feels Cas’ eyes on him, so he puts on a bright, confident smile and says, “I’ve wanted kids for a long time. I love little munchkins! Being a parent would be one of the best things to ever happen to me.”  

Cas looks at Naomi and, by her arched eyebrow, he can tell she’s not buying it.  He feels ill, both for his own chances at moving ahead in the process and for Dean, who’s lying for him.  “Dean,” he says quietly, jostling his hand until Dean looks at him. Dean catches his eyes and Cas keeps his gaze steady as he squeezes the hand that Dean hasn’t let go.  “Just tell the truth. It’ll be okay.” His eyes water and his throat feels like it’s slowly closing up.

Dean exhales forcefully and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand.  He sees the resignation in Cas’ eyes and it breaks his heart that he’s already fucked this up.  “Um,” Dean starts, looking at Cas rather than at the woman across from them, “I, uh. Well, to be truthful, I never really planned to be a parent.  I love my niece, love the kids I work with, but I wasn’t sure I had what it takes, you know? I mean, I didn’t want to mess a kid up.” He looks at Naomi and continues, “I had a poor example in my father, as you know from when you worked with Sam and Eileen.  But I had Bobby, who stepped in and was like a dad to me. And I have Cas… I mean, I see us as a great team. We balance each other. And Cas believes in me. So, yeah, I mean, I know that with Cas, we could give a kid a great life. I can’t imagine a better dad than Cas.”

“Dean...” Cas says, overwhelmed with his friend’s words that seem honest.  He blinks back tears as a corner of Dean’s mouth ticks up slowly and he rubs a thumb across Cas’ knuckles.

“Hmm,” Naomi says as she types something in her computer.  “Tell me about your relationship.”

The sudden change in topic stuns them both, and they look at each other, trying to figure out what to say.

“Well, we’ve been together, what, a year?” Dean asks, looking at Cas.

“Right, yes, about that.”

“And you’re already ready to commit your lives to each other?” Naomi asks with a small frown.

“When you know, you know,” Dean says smoothly.  “We’re old enough and experienced enough to know what we want in life, and we want each other.” _Impressive_ , Cas thinks.

“I see.  I seem to remember that you were rather… promiscuous, Mr. Winchester.  With women.”

Dean licks his lips.   _Damn.  Mind like a steel trap._ “Uh, yeah, I was, but uh…”

“We had our experiences and don’t shame each other for them,” Cas says, rescuing his friend. “The important thing is that we are together now.”

“Exactly,” Dean says, gripping Cas’ hand tighter and smiling at him.  

“I see,” she says.  She asks them several more questions, which they don’t fumble over too much, and at 8:00 she looks at her gold watch and says, “Alright.  Thank you for your time.” She collects her things, nods at both of them, and shows herself out. The pair of friends stand staring at the door for several seconds before Cas speaks.

“What the hell was that?” Cas asks, confused and on edge.  

“I don’t know, man.  That was cryptic. Does she mean she’ll let us know or are we just rejected or what?”

Cas turns and looks at Dean.  “I have no idea where we stand with her.  But what I meant was you volunteering yourself as my fiancé, Dean.  Do you know what that means if she says yes to us?”

Dean shrugs and stares at the floor.  His collar suddenly feels tight. “Well yeah, obviously…”

“I don’t think you do,” Cas retorts.  “If we’re accepted, you’re stuck for however long this process takes.  You’ll have to be _legally married_ to me for months or even years, Dean!  That means you have to keep up the charade!  No fucking random women two hours away. We couldn’t take the chance of you being caught.  And we’d have to live together. And you’d be married to a _man,_  Dean. Can you do that?  What would that mean for your job? To your family and friends? Can you take the scrutiny?  The questions? The homophobia? And you’ll have to be an active part of this adoption.  You’ll have to pretend you want this child. You’ll have to _legally adopt_ this child!”  Cas stops and looks at Dean, blue eyes blazing with concern.  “You’re giving up so much, Dean. Your freedom. Your reputation.  Why?”

“It was the most practical answer! Think about it. You need a husband. I’m single. It works!”  Cas gives him a doubtful look, and Dean licks his lips and gazes back, hands hovering near Cas’ elbows before he decides to grasp them. “I’m doing this because you’re my friend and you deserve this.  And some kid out there deserves you. We have teachers at school who are gay or bi, so don’t worry about that. I’m sure my family will be fine with it, and I don’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks.  And hell, I’m never gonna marry anyone, Cas, so what’s it matter? And as for giving up the women for a while, it’s fine. In fact, it probably wouldn’t hurt for me to calm down a little bit. I won’t die if I don’t have sex.” _Meaningless sex isn’t a big loss, anyway,_  he says to himself.  To lighten the mood, he smirks and says, “I mean, it hasn’t killed you, has it?”  

Cas smacks Dean lightly in the abdomen, since he can’t reach much else with Dean holding his elbows.  He tries to maintain a serious face but his mouth turns up slightly. “I’ll have you know that my right hand and I enjoy frequent intimacy, thank you very much.”

Dean throws his head back and laughs, releasing the tension that had settled like a thick fog since Naomi’s visit.  He squeezes Cas’ arms as he settles down and Cas watches him with fondness. “You’re probably the closest thing to a best friend I’ve ever had, Cas. That makes you family, and I’d do anything for family. It’s simple:  You deserve this. I can help you have this. And hey, maybe I’ll earn some cosmic brownie points.”

“You deserve all the cosmic brownie points,” Cas grins, “and more.”  He slides his arms between Dean’s and rests against him in a hug. “Thank you.”

Dean is surprised at how much he likes the feeling of the embrace.  It’s different than the shoulder or arm grabs they do, different than the hand-holding and hug they did for the sake of the ruse. This feels intimate — not sexually intimate, but emotionally intimate, something he hasn’t allowed himself to feel with anyone beyond close family. “Now I want brownies,” Dean pouts behind Cas’ back to dissipate the warm sensation tickling his chest.

“I have a mix,” Cas says, pulling back. “Come on, we’ll make them at your place.” He grabs the brownie mix and Dean grabs his jacket and bag, and they make their way to Dean’s apartment, where they bake brownies, drink old beer, and talk about anything and everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know and love several single parents, and I think single parents are awesome and amazing — no slight intended toward anyone! <3 For the purposes of this story, though, this particular agency has a strict set of guidelines.


	4. Chapter 4

Cas, presenting the keynote address at a national conference on the ethics of artificial intelligence at the University of Chicago, misses the phone call he’d been waiting for the last three days.  After shaking so many hands he can’t remember who’s who and gulping down nearly an entire bottle of spring water, he checks his phone and sees the missed call.

“Fuck,” he mutters to himself, seeing the same phone number he hadn’t recognized just a few days ago but now has committed to memory.  He looks around for an empty space and finds a small meeting room down the hall. He slips in and returns the call with shaking hands. 

“Mr. Mil-... ah, Dr. Milton, excuse me,” Naomi greets him, seemingly remembering his doctorate from the interview.  

“Mister is fine, or Cas,” he says, never one for formalities when they aren’t necessary. 

“Very good, Mr. Milton. I need e-mail addresses for you and your fiancé, please.”

“Certainly.  I’ll send you an e-mail with the best addresses for Dean and I.”  He can’t tell her that he doesn’t actually  _ know _ Dean’s e-mail address.

“Good.”  She rattles off her e-mail address and says, “I will be sending you both papers that need to be completed.  Please return them within 48 hours.”

Cas’ stomach freefalls like he’s on a rollercoaster.  “Does this mean…” he starts but doesn’t finish, his words stuck in his throat.    

“Mr. Milton, the agency will accept your application.  You and Mr. Winchester will receive the full application, which you each must complete as separate applicants, as well as release of information forms that will allow us to do background checks and to speak to friends and members of your family if the time comes.  I will also send you information regarding financial arrangements.”

“Yes, of course,” he replies, willing his voice to stay steady.  

“Very good.  I look forward to receiving your information.  Again, I just want to remind you that this does not mean that you’ve been accepted as adoptive parents yet.”

“Yes, of course.”

“Very good.  Enjoy your day, Mr. Milton.”  She clicks off and Cas stares at his phone, smiling like a fool.  He sends a text to Dean:

_ Cas 10:14am:  Call me as soon as you can. _

At 11:00, Dean checks his phone while the kids are having music with Miss Jo.  Worried, he closes his classroom door and calls Cas, catching him as he’s checking out of his hotel.

“What’s up?”

“Dean, they’re letting us apply!” Cas tells him, the smile in his voice bright even over the crappy connection Dean gets in his building.  A happy, relieved smile spreads over his own face.

“Dude!  That’s awesome!”

“I’ll need your e-mail address,” Cas explains, and Dean says he’ll send him a text with the address.  They agree to complete the papers together when Cas returns home tonight.

Cas knocks on Dean’s door at nearly 6:00, having returned from the airport only an hour before.  Sam, Eileen, and one-year-old Ella are at Dean’s table, and Cas can see he’s interrupted their meal.  He tries to apologize but Dean will hear none of it, instead dishing up a plate of manicotti and giving him an empty bowl for the salad sitting on the table.  Cas accepts it gratefully and sits, greeting Dean’s guests and making fast friends with Ella, who he’s meeting for the first time. Dean smiles as he watches their interaction, knowing his instinct was right and feeling good about being able to help Cas make his dream of a family come true.  He thinks that even though he isn’t meant to be a family man — he’s a lot like his father, everyone’s always told him so — he knows a good one when he sees one, and his brother and Cas are good family men. 

Sam and Eileen talk about their adoption process for Ella, which scares both of the men sitting across from them.  After they clear their dinner plates and say goodbye to Sam, Eileen, and Ella, they gather the documents they need and sit at the table to complete them.  They’re a little more in-depth than either of them expects. 

“What’s my philosophy on child-rearing?  Maybe start by not running out on them,” Dean mutters.  Cas rubs Dean on the shoulder, and Dean lets himself relax into the brief touch. 

“Hmm,” Cas says after a while.  “Dean, how do we make decisions?  Also, how will we support each other in our parenting journeys?  And how do we stay connected as a couple?” 

“Lots of sex, Cas,” he answers with a cheeky smile and a wink.  

“Which question are you answering?” Cas asks with a side-eye and a smirk.

“All of them,” Dean grins and Cas snorts.

“Sex:  The Answer to Everything.  A book by Dean Winchester,” Cas teases.  Dean kicks him under the table. “Seriously, though,” Cas continues, “We’re going to have to talk about sex.”

Dean raises his brows.  “Uh, why?”

“If we’re accepted into the next phase, we have to meet with a counselor.  They’re going to ask us about our relationship. Most relationships include sex.  Now, if you’re not familiar with male on male sex…”

“I know about dude sex, Cas.”

“From where?  Porn? That’s not all that accurate.”  

Dean blushes and looks away.  “No,” he grumbles unconvincingly.  “It’s pretty self-explanatory.”

“Explain that to my first boyfriend,” Cas mutters, and Dean breaks into squealing laughter at the remark. He’s still surprised at some of the things that come out of Cas’ mouth. 

“Damn, Cas,” he says eventually, wiping the tears from his eyes.  Cas chuckles at him.

“I obviously don’t mean we’d have sex just because we’re legally married, Dean.  I just mean that we have to pretend we do. So you’ll need to be convincing when you tell the nice counselor I’m a top who likes it hard and dirty,” Cas deadpans, sending Dean into another round of hissing laughter.

“Fuck, Cas, I can’t… breathe!” Dean gasps.

“Sorry. There, there,” he says, patting Dean’s back and pretending to be bored by Dean’s lack of oxygen.  Dean swats him away and Cas snickers.

When he catches his breath, Dean says, “Why do you not have a husband?  I swear I don’t know. I’d totally be all over you… I mean, you know, if I swung that way.”  Dean blushes, but Cas doesn’t seem to notice. He shrugs. 

“I’m a little too… intellectual, ethereal, reserved… take your pick. Plus the whole ‘kid thing.’  Most men I’ve met just don’t want that.”

Still spooked from the foreign, unexpected emotional intimacy of the hug they shared recently, but wanting Cas to know how great he is, he hesitates briefly before giving him a solid, friendly smack on his bicep.  “Well, they’re missing out, then,” Dean says. Cas gives him a warm smile. 

“Yes, they are.  I’m a beast in the sack.”

It takes Dean five minutes and a glass of water to breathe properly again.

***

They submit their forms on a Friday, and on a Monday nearly four weeks later, they get the good news:  their background checks have come back clean, and they will move on to the next phase — the meeting with the counselor and Naomi’s family interviews.  

On Wednesday evening, having survived the meeting with the counselor the previous evening (and despite Cas’ constant teasing, they actually spoke very little about sex), they convene all of their closest family and friends at Gabe and Kali’s house for a “pre-interview briefing.”  Cas stands up and introduces his family: mother Laurel, brother Gabe and his wife Kali and daughters Shara and Anji, brother Michael and his wife Hannah and their son Alfie and daughter Lily, and sister Anna and her daughter Nalia. Dean introduces his mother, Mary, and his brother Sam, wife Eileen, and daughter Ella. Cas’ closest friends Charlie and Balthazar are also present, as are Dean’s Aunt Ellen and Uncle Bobby and Ellen’s daughter, Jo, who teaches at the same school as Dean. Everyone greets each other around slices of pizza as Cas and Dean stand together in front of them.  

“Okay, everyone,” Cas says. “So, most of you know that I have wanted to be a father for a long time. And now I might have the chance, thanks to Dean.”  He smiles at the man next to him. “Um, but to do that, we have to do things a little… unconventionally.” He turns to Dean, who jumps in and explains the situation, including his brother’s experiences, the eligibility criteria of the adoption agency, Dean’s wild idea, and where they are in the process. 

“So… we’re getting gay married!” Dean shouts with a grin and doing jazz hands. 

“We’re just getting married, Dean,” Cas scolds with a small smile. “The process is the same for everyone.”

“Oh,” Dean says, frowning in thought. “Right. Well, anyway, yeah! Getting married!”

The room fills with murmurs — some excited, some confused, a few concerned. 

“So when’s the big day?” Gabe asks. 

Dean and Cas glance at each other. “Friday,” Dean says. “We need to get married soon so the process can continue, plus we said last month that we were getting married this month, and it’s almost the end of the month.”

“What are you doing for the wedding?”

“Oh, um, just a simple civil ceremony at the courthouse after Dean gets out of work,” Cas says, looking at Dean.  “I mean, there’s no real need to do anything special and, well, we don’t really have time for anything, anyway.”

“Booooring!  You should do it at our party!” Gabe says. 

“Your… Halloween party?” Cas clarifies. 

“Yeah! We’ll all be here, Dean’s clan can join in, and you guys can do a theme wedding!”

“Gabe…”

“Listen, you can do the big shebang with the flowers and band and stuff later, when you’re getting married for realsies.  I don’t know what it is about gay guys and flowers…”

“Gabe, enjoyment of flowers has nothing to do with sexual orientation."

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, the  _ point _ is, save the big stuff for the guy you’re spending your life with…”

“Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to happen…”

“...and have some fun with this one!”

“Gabe,” Cas says in frustration, “City Hall is fine.”

“Cas, come on!  You’ve always wanted a special wedding, right? Make it happen!  Besides, you guys are a couple in love, which means you’d want your supportive, loving family and friends around for your wedding, right?  Most of us will probably still be working when you’d be doing this, but we’ll all be around on Saturday. Come on. You want her to believe you, don’t you?”

Cas sighs. “Of course…”

“Great!”

Cas turns to Dean. “What do you think?”

Dean thinks it sounds kind of fun, but it’s not his decision to make (despite getting the ball rolling on this whole thing in the first place).  He puts his hands up in placation. “I’ll do whatever you want, but I think he has a point.”

_"T_ _hank_ you!”

Dean ignores Gabe’s outburst. “Besides, I mean, I’m never getting married… uh, again, and, I don't know, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays…”  He shrugs and glances at Cas through his eyelashes, shy and hopeful. Cas holds his gaze for a moment and finally relents.

“Alright,” Cas says, shaking his head and chuckling. 

“Sold!” Gabe cheers. 

The rest of the evening is spent going over Cas and Dean’s story, which they’ve kept as close to the truth as possible, and making arrangements for the wedding.  Everyone relaxes as they get to know the people that will be part of their family in just a few days. Cas feels cautiously optimistic until he looks at his brother Michael, who doesn’t look very happy.  

“A word, Castiel?” he mouths when Michael catches Cas looking at him.

They move to the children’s playroom and Michael spins around on his brother.

“You’re asking us to lie for you, Castiel,” Michael hisses. 

“Yes.”

“And Alfie and Lily…”

“She won’t be interviewing the kids.”

“Well that just makes it all better,” he sneers.  “Have you thought about the fallout from all this?  You’re making Dean get married to you. You’re lying to not just this agency, but to the birth parents of your future child, all in the name of getting what you want.  How is that right?”

“It’s not,” Cas growls, “but what choice do I have?”

“You could choose not to do this.  Find another way if you must…”

“How?  None of the other adoption agencies will call me back, and going through the state is a bureaucratic nightmare...”

“Then maybe it’s not meant to be, Cas.  Some people would kill for the life you have.  Maybe you should appreciate it.”

The stress of years of longing and heartbreak boils over and he attacks.  “Fuck you, Mike! It’s so fucking easy for you to sit on top of your married, fertile, heterosexual male pinnacle of privilege, where all the doors are open and life is easy.  You don’t fucking get it. I’ve wanted kids all my life.  _ I’m _ the one who played house when we were kids.   _ I’m _ the one who took care of the babies.  But can I have them? No! I’m fucking sterile, I’m gay, I haven’t found anyone who shares my dreams of marriage and family, and all that shit’s my fault?  I don’t get to raise kids because of things that are out of my control? How the fuck is that fair?” Cas feels angry, guilt-ridden tears welling in his eyes.  He knows, rationally, that his brother has a point, that you shouldn’t lie just to get what you want, and he feels horrible about it. But he’s desperate, and this chance is so tempting...

Dean, after chatting about wedding ideas with Charlie, is asked by Mike’s kids to find their uncle.  Dean hadn’t realized he disappeared, so he looks around until he hears Cas and his brother arguing. He stands at the door and listens.  After a few minutes in which all Mike has done is given Cas shit about his decisions, Dean has had enough. “Hey,” he interrupts, sticking his head through the door.  The brothers look over at Dean. “Cas, Alfie and Lily were looking for you.”

“Oh.  Thank you,” Cas says, wiping his eyes.  He walks out, not looking back at his brother.  Dean follows him and pats him on the shoulder as they walk down the hall.  

“I found him!” Dean announces to Mike’s children, who leap up from the floor and race to him.  The rest of his nieces, seeing their favorite uncle, race over to join their cousins. Even little Ella, who barely knows Cas, toddles to him and demands to be picked up.  He looks toward Sam and Eileen for permission, then picks up the tiny slip of a girl, swinging her into the sky and making her giggle with delight. His nephew and nieces pull Cas outside to play a game of freeze tag he promised them earlier.  Dean takes a moment to watch Cas in his element, running around with Ella on his hip and making up rules as he goes to have some sort of advantage over the children scattering like pinballs. The others follow suit, watching through the large picture window overlooking the backyard.  They’re all smiling, and Dean is smiling, too, feeling the warmth of certainty fill his chest. Yes, he’s doing the right thing. He turns away and marches down the hall, where Michael is still in the playroom, looking out the window into the backyard.

“If that guy isn’t meant to be a father, I don’t know who is,” Dean says to Michael’s back.  The dark-haired man turns to face Dean. 

“I’m not saying he wouldn’t be a wonderful father.  I was simply saying that maybe there’s a reason…”

“Yeah, I can tell you the reasons, Mikey,” Dean sneers as he folds his arms.  “Homophobia, genetics, and shit luck in the dating scene. That’s it. Do you really believe that your brother is ‘destined’ to be alone all his life?  Don’t you think he deserves some happiness, too? He’s taking a chance at fatherhood, joining in this crazy thing with me that wasn’t even his idea, because it might be the only chance he gets.  Or should he just wait for life to hand him what he wants? That’s worked so well so far.”

Michael stiffens.  “Life gives us what we’re meant to have…”

“Or maybe life just happens and we’ve gotta make what we want out of it.  Grab it by the balls.”

Michael shifts and looks away as he changes the focus of the argument.  “And what about the parents who thinks they’re handing their child off to a legitimate couple, one they believe will be raising the child together?”

“Those birth parents are abandoning their child, Mike.  Far as I’m concerned, they lose the right to say anything about it.  You wanna talk about what’s meant to be? About destiny? Maybe it’s destiny that Cas becomes the parent for that kid, since his or her parents won’t.”

“And you?  Why? What do you get out of all of this?” Michael challenges him, holding Dean’s defiant stare.

Dean shrugs.  “Cosmic brownie points.  What’s it matter to you? I’m not out to hurt Cas.  I want to help. Now, are you helping us or should we tell Ms. Mullins that you’re not supportive of our relationship and let her draw her own conclusions about you?”

Michael squints his eyes.  “I will go along with this for now.  For my brother. But if I see that any harm is occurring, I will not hesitate to…”

“Yeah, great, you won’t hesitate to be judge, jury, and executioner, I get it.  Thanks.” Dean walks out in disgust.

Cas and the kids pile into the house, flushed and smiling.  Well, Cas is smiling; the children are whining.

“Please, again?” he hears several of them beg.

“It’s a school night.  Time to head home and get ready for school tomorrow,” Cas reminds them, gently but firmly.  “I will see you all on Saturday.” 

“Because it’s Halloween!” Shara squeals, followed by Anji’s “And you’re getting gay married!”

The majority of the children are too young to understand what Cas and Dean were talking about, but clearly at least some of them caught the salient points. Anji, in particular, has always been a bit precocious. Cas kneels down to address his niece.  “It’s just called getting married, Anjuli, honey,” he says. Dean snickers and Cas looks up at him and scowls, his amusement softening it to a simple purse of his lips.

“And we can be flower girls, right, Uncle Cas?” she continues.  “Daddy said there had to be flowers ‘cause you and Uncle Dean are boys who are getting married and like flowers.”

“Did he?  Well, tell him that if Dean and I have flowers at the wedding, all the boys have to have flowers, even him.”  The girls squeal and clap as they run to relay the message to their father. 

“Dear Lord, what have we gotten ourselves into?” Cas asks Dean as he stands.  

“It’s gonna be quite the ride,” Dean remarks as he laughs.  “Come on, we’ve got costumes to order. We’ll need to do one-day shipping to get them in time.  Luckily, your friend Charlie helped me find them on Amazon while you were talking to Mike.”

“What costumes?” Cas asks.

“Oh, you’ll see,” he grins.  “Trust me, this’ll be a wedding we won’t forget.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are concerned about Dean's callous attitude about birth parents, take heart. He will have an attitude adjustment later. He has some things to work through first. <3


	5. Chapter 5

It’s Cas’ wedding day, and it’s nothing like he dreamed it would be. Instead of creamy white roses and gardenias (yes, he likes flowers, so what?) and matching white tuxedos in an elegant garden or a gazebo overlooking the ocean, he’s standing in his brother’s bedroom, dressed in a blue shirt and black pants and getting his eyebrows enhanced by his friend Charlie. Instead of marrying for love, he’s marrying for a chance at having his own child. Instead of his and his partner’s family and friends being happy for them, they’re merely playing along. Instead of a lifetime of intimacy and joy and raising a family together, he’ll have an undetermined but limited amount of time in a sexless marriage that will end in divorce and him raising his child alone.

“It could be worse, right?” he says to Charlie, continuing his train of thought despite her not being privy to any of it. “I mean, this is for a good reason. A great reason. People get married for much less than this. We aren’t marrying to gain land or a dowry or some sort of political advantage. It’s practical and it’s noble.”

“Cas.”

“And I like Dean. We’re great friends. He won’t be difficult to live with, I don’t think. If anything, this will be harder for him than me. I’m the one who will be gaining a child. He gains nothing out of this.”

“Cas.”

“But he wants to do this, for some ridiculous reason. He says he’s never going to get married, but he could want that someday and just doesn’t know it yet, right? He could meet a lovely woman and want to marry her, and he’s going to be stuck with having to explain his strange first marriage, and will she want to marry him after that? I could be ruining his life!”

“Cas! You’re screwing up your eyebrows! Hold still!” she yells, hoping to stop the anxiety she hears escalating with every sentence.

“Sorry,” he says, closing his eyes and exhaling harshly.  

“I think you guys are gonna be fine,” she says softly. “I’ve chatted with him a little, and he seems to know what he’s doing.”

“What? Why are you chatting with him?”

“Had to make sure he was good enough for my buddy,” she says, nudging his knee with hers as she finishes his brows. “Besides, I like him. Seems like a cool guy.”

“Why do you think he’s doing it?” Cas asks worriedly. Charlie sits on his lap.

“Truthfully? I think he genuinely likes you and wants to help you. But if you’re worried about it, maybe you should ask him.”

“I did.”

“And did he tell you?”

“Yes, but I can’t help but feel there’s more to it.”

“Well, sweetie, maybe you’ll just have to accept that whatever he told you is all he’s willing to say right now. Or maybe it’s all he’s really conscious of, you know? Sometimes we have stuff that drives us and we don’t really understand it until later.”

While Cas and Charlie talk, Dean is slouched in a chair in Kali’s office, Sam by his side.  

“Can’t believe I’m getting married! This is crazy. I just hope it works,” Dean says, fiddling with a bendy pen he finds on her desk.  

“I hope so. You’re giving up a lot to do this,” Sam mentions carefully. Dean huffs out a breath.

“What, exactly, am I giving up? Nothing important, I can tell you that.”

“Your freedom, your reputation, your identity…”

“Let me tell you something, Sam. This thing here, this thing I’m doing for Cas? This is my chance to do something right. You and Cas are so worried about my reputation and freedom and shit, but really, my love life has been nothing but empty flings. I’m not doing anything important with it. And I’m kind of tired of that crap. I’d rather do something meaningful, like give my friend a chance at a great life, than continue to fuck up my own and others’ lives for the sake of getting off. I can deal with it for a while. Time to grow up and stop thinking only of myself.”

“Dean, you don’t think only…”

“And,” Dean continues, ignoring his brother, “It’ll probably make Dad shit his pants if he ever finds out, which is awesome.”

“Dean…”

“AND… the beauty of this is? I can’t screw this relationship up! We won’t really be a couple, so I won’t disappoint him or break his heart or some shit. The kid won’t be mine, really, except on paper, and I won’t be raising it, so I won’t ruin his or her life. And, when this is over and Cas has his kid, he expects me to go! In fact, I’m not supposed to stay, so when I bail I’ll be doing what I’m supposed to do! Cas gets something he really wants, and I get to feel good by helping him out. I’d say it’s a win-win.” He smiles smugly at his brother, who looks at him incredulously.

“Okaaaay, then,” Sam says. “You think Cas is okay with this? I mean, you kind of sprung it on him, from what you told me.”

Dean’s been thinking about this very question ever since the night he burst through the door and changed the course of their lives. He must be okay with it, right?Yes, he wanted the happy marriage with the devoted partner, but he wanted kids even more, right? And his Mr. Right will probably come along. It’s just taken longer, and Cas wants to have kids _now._

“Sure he is,” Dean says. _I hope._

At 7:00, Dean and Cas meet at the top of the stairs. “Nice eyebrows,” Dean grins at his friend.

“At least my shirt isn’t the color of baby poop,” Cas retorts, flicking a finger at Dean’s chest, clad in a mustard yellow shirt.

“Hey, this shirt is awesome,” he says, then pouts. “Where are your ears?”

“I draw the line at the pointy ears.”

“You can’t be Spock if you don’t have the ears!”

“What a fucking tragedy.”

“You’re gonna have to clean up that mouth of yours when your kid gets here,” Dean teases. Cas smiles and nods, looking away. “Hey,” Dean nudges him, “ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be to marry Captain Kirk at a Halloween party while the children throw black rose petals and candy skulls on the floor.” Cas looks up and meets Dean’s eyes, and they laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

Once the children have finished their work, Cas and Dean walk to the officiant to an instrumental version of _Thriller._  Joshua, a friend of Laurel’s, calls everyone to attention. He doesn’t ask whether anyone objects to the wedding, and both men are grateful. He says a few words, and then it’s time to exchange their vows and the plain bands they bought straight from the case from the jewelry store that has all the annoying TV ads.

The men face each other to recite the vows they carefully crafted last night over beer and German food from their favorite spot in town (the same vows they had to rewrite when Dean spit his brew all over the table after Cas said in an exaggerated German accent how he was going to “put my wiener in your spaetzle” on their wedding night). Cas looks at Dean and smiles nervously as he recites them, feeling grateful and a little sad. When it’s Dean’s turn, he pauses. He thinks about the fact that even though this is a marriage of convenience, it’s still a marriage, and they wrote the vows he’s about to make knowing they wanted them to be something true, something real that the men wanted to uphold in their relationship, whether they’re spouses or friends. With this in mind, Dean takes a deep breath and says:

“I promise you that I will treasure you, that I will forever show you honor, respect, and gratitude. I promise that I will help you be the best person you can be. I promise to support you and I will allow you to support me. I promise to be open to you, to share myself with you heart and soul, to share my sorrow as well as my joy so that we may carry both together.”  

Cas begins to cry. Dean does, too. Neither is quite sure why. Then they laugh at each other and themselves, and the weighty mood feels lifted.

The men exchange the gold bands and Joshua says a few more words and gives a final blessing, then says the words that makes it all real:  “Gentlemen, I now pronounce you spouses. You may seal your union with a kiss.”

Cas’ eyes water again as Dean takes his face in his hands. They had discussed this last night, too, after they wrote the vows:

_Dean, I don’t mind if you kiss me, but I’m not going to make you. I don’t want you to have the hetero heebie-jeebies._

_Don’t be an ass. I don’t mind, I guess. I mean, we’ll probably have to at some point, won’t we?  But I mean, I’ve never kissed a guy, so I don’t really know what to do._

_Well, when our lips meet, a tentacle located under my tongue reaches out and locks us together, then…_

_Cas!_

_Look, I’m a human, you’re a human. It’s a human kiss. But really, you don’t have to kiss me.  I would never want you to be uncomfortable, and God knows you’re sacrificing enough. Just put your hands on my face and hide our mouths so it looks like we’re kissing._

Dean feels his heart breaking as he holds his friend’s face and looks into the eyes that shouldn’t be anything but joyful on his wedding day. Cas has repeatedly said how much Dean is sacrificing, but never has said how much _he’s_ sacrificing. Cas is also losing his freedom to date, he’s earning the scorn of his brother, and he’s going to be raising this baby on his own. Hell, he doesn’t even get to have the wedding he wanted (he’s pretty sure Cas didn’t want a _Star Trek_ wedding). He has to get married just to _maybe_ have a kid, and he’s doing it. And even now, Cas is putting Dean’s comfort first, doing everything he can to make things as easy as possible while still making things at least look realistic so he can have a chance. Just a _chance._   _Fuck._  Well, Dean decides, if he’s doing this, he’s doing it all the way. He leans in and meets Cas’ lips, moving his hands down to his hips and pulling him closer.  

Cas is stunned by the change in the plan. He was ready to pretend, and he wasn’t offended by it. He knew that if you didn’t feel attracted to someone, you didn’t feel attracted, and that was that. But somewhere between last night and now, Dean changed his mind and is going for the whole show. And he is certainly convincing, Cas thinks. Despite the kiss being just a soft, loose press of lips, he feels the experience behind them and knows Dean must be quite something when he’s not acting.  More than that, though, the kiss feels like caring, like understanding and solidarity, and it touches something in Cas that he’s long ignored — the desire to be taken care of, to rely on another. As they part, Cas feels the anxiety whoosh out of his body. He releases Dean’s hips, which he apparently had grabbed onto, and slides his arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. Dean relaxes and returns the hug in earnest, whispering in Cas’ ear, “We’re married, dude.” They can’t see each other, but they both wear the same smile.

At their “reception,” Cas and Dean bob for apples and drink a little too much hard cider, but sober up in time to get to their apartment building by midnight. They eat leftover German food and Cas, as promised, puts his wiener in Dean’s spaetzle, much to the amusement of both of them. They part ways and spend their wedding night in their own beds.

On Sunday, Cas helps Dean move into his apartment, no longer able to live apart now that they’re married. It goes smoothly and they congratulate themselves by firing up frozen pizzas and watching _Futurama_ in their sweats.

On Monday, Dean has to return to work, not bothering to take time off since they aren’t going anywhere and it isn’t as if they’d go on an actual honeymoon, what with all that entails. Cas makes Dean a cup of coffee and sets it on the counter. Dean makes the two of them cheese omelets.

“Are you worried about today?” Cas asks as they eat.

“Not really,” Dean shrugs. “I mean, are people gonna be surprised? Yeah, but whatever.”

“You’re much calmer about the whole thing than I thought you might be,” Cas observes. “I thought you might the see the ‘coming out’ process as challenging. Many people who’ve identified most of their lives as heterosexual do.”

“It’ll be fine. People gotta take me as I am or not at all, right?”

“I suppose,” Cas says with a squint.

The truth is, Dean is more scared than he wants to let on and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t think it’s the fact that others will think he’s bisexual. He can count the number of people whose opinions he truly cares about on one hand, and they all know what’s going on. Besides, he’s not a prejudiced jerk. Dean’s of the opinion that people should be whoever they are and shouldn’t feel ashamed of it, as long as they’re not hurting anyone. He wishes he could apply his own opinion to himself, but he can’t, because all he feels is shame about who he is. The identity he’s chosen to embrace (and the life he leads as a result) feels incomplete. More than that, it feels inauthentic. He hasn’t quite figured that out. He just knows that this unsettling self-reflection has heightened over the past year or so, since becoming closer to Cas. Maybe having friends makes you reflect more on yourself.

“Well, call me if you need to, okay? I know it’s not easy, believe me.”

“Thanks, man, but it’ll be fine. There’s nothing wrong with two guys being together.”

“Have a good day, then, Mr. Open-Minded and Self-Assured,” Cas says. He smiles as he grabs his own coffee, then pats Dean’s shoulder as he passes and walks out of the apartment. Dean follows shortly after, hoping that his nagging unease will go away.

Dean stands against the bookshelves in the library, where they have their Monday morning meetings before the students arrive. When asked if there are any announcements, Dean raises his hand.

“Hey, so, what did you guys all do for Halloween? Because I got married,” he says, holding up his left hand. The room is filled with gasps and congratulations.

“I didn’t even know you were dating anybody!” Becky, a teacher’s aide, says.

“So who’s the poor lady who agreed to marry you and how drunk were you, exactly?” asks Benny, the gym teacher, to several chuckles.

“I wasn’t drunk, I’ll have you know. And actually, um, surprise number two… his name is Cas.”

The room falls silent for a moment, only the buzzing of the HVAC system filling their ears.

“Are you joking, Winchester?”

“No, Benny, I am not.”

“You like women.”

“And dudes,” Dean shrugs. Benny squints.

“Cas? Your friend that you’ve mentioned? I thought you had a guy crush on him! Guess I was right!” Donna, the other Kindergarten teacher, says with a smile. He enjoys her, but hasn’t spoken a whole lot about his own life with her, so for her to think something like that is… odd. Dean raises his eyebrows at her and files that away for later.

“Dude, that’s balls, man. Congrats!” Garth, a goofy, lovable first grade teacher, blurts.

“How long were you seeing Cas before you got married?” Becky asks, clearly intrigued by the new information about the handsome teacher.

“A year. Met him a year and a half ago when he moved into my building.”

“No. Not possible. You’re puttin’ us on. You did not get married, and you sure as hell didn’t marry a guy,” Benny says, still working to absorb the information. “You talk about the women you’ve met all the time.”

“I assure you he did. I was there,” Jo pipes up. Dean gives her a grateful wink.

Smoothly, Dean addresses Benny. “Listen, those were stories. You kept asking me what I did over the weekend. I had to tell you something. I wasn’t ready to come out.”

“Pictures or it didn’t happen, Mr. Winchester,” Jody Mills, the principal, smiles. “Or is your name different now?”

“Nah, we kept our own names,” Dean says as he whips out his phone and shows them the most damning piece of evidence: him kissing Cas, their hands resting on each other’s hips in a simple kiss that Dean can still feel even two days later. The teachers gather around the device, scrolling through the album Cas set up on his phone for him. He hears “aww” and “Star Trek?” in equal measure.

“Well, if I’d known there was a chance, I would’ve made a move,” Crowley, a sixth grade teacher and a well-known flirt, says with a wink. Dean offers him a smirk and a small laugh.

As the assembled staff continues to chatter, Dean answers questions about Cas and their relationship; he’s pleased to be able to tell them true stories of some of their time spent together (even if they weren’t dating), and it feels nice that people are happy for him. Most of them, anyway. Dean leaves the meeting feeling hopeful.

When he brings his class down for gym, he greets Benny as he usually does. Benny, however, is cool and businesslike. Dean frowns slightly, but dismisses his behavior as his co-worker having a bad day. The brush-off continues in the parking lot after school, but Dean assumes things will be better tomorrow.

“How did things go today?” Cas asks kindly when they’re washing the dishes that night.

“Pretty good overall,” Dean says. “Most people were cool. Benny was being kind of a dick, but I guess he was just having a bad day.”

“Hmm. Just keep an eye out on him,” Cas warns.  

“Why? You think he’s gonna jump me or something?”

Cas sighs. How can he explain this to someone who seems to think of coming out as an easy process and not one full of anxiety and self-doubt, as his experience was? Cas isn’t sure if Dean’s casualness about the whole thing is because as a heterosexual, cisgender man he doesn’t understand the process and the potential backlash in the same way, or if it’s because he’s just an outgoing guy who takes life as it comes while Cas tends to be more introverted. “Not necessarily,” he answers. “I just think that people have lots of different reactions to these sorts of things, and you would serve yourself well to be prepared for anything.”

“He’s a good guy. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure it will, but please be careful anyway.”

“Okay, okay. So, how’d it go for you?”

Cas shrugs. He hadn’t expected anything dramatic. “Fine. Charlie and Balth pretty much spilled it to everyone already. Those who were disapproving were already disapproving of me anyway, and everyone else was happy for me.”

“Good, good. So, movie night?”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to watch by yourself. I have papers to grade and a speech to work on.”

“Workaholic already. I can see where this marriage is going,” Dean wheezes in a high-pitched voice.

Cas smiles softly at him as he shakes his head. _So far, so good,_ he thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love to you all! <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, the pain of the season finale! Cas’ face... my heart! :’( So have some feel-good fluff. <3

Things don’t go much better at work for Dean with Benny. The man outright ignores him most of the time now. Dean blows it off. Though he thought they had a decent acquaintanceship, at least, if not friendship, there’s a reason he’s avoided making close friendships — he can’t get hurt that way (and he can’t hurt anyone else). Cas, of course, is the exception, and he’s not really sure how he wormed his way past Dean’s defenses, but he’s glad he did. On the plus side, some of the other staff are a little warmer and friendlier. They take the time to chat, to ask him about his night or weekend and about Cas and what they did together. They’re interested in him in a way that they weren’t before, when his nights weren’t worth mentioning and his weekends consisted mostly of hooking up or hanging out by himself. In turn, they share things about their evenings and weekends. Most people don’t do a hell of a lot, Dean notices, but there’s a camaraderie in their humdrum chores and outings, a pleasantness that most people gathered around the coffee machine seem to enjoy even if they complain about it sometimes. Dean feels like he’s a part of something bigger now, a society of the coupled or married that he always felt was out of his reach and therefore undesirable. As the days go by, being part of the club doesn’t feel so undesirable anymore, and he finds he truly enjoys connecting with these people.

It’s been three weeks since they got married, and Cas and Dean have settled into a groove. Sometimes they make breakfast for each other, sometimes not (but one of them always makes coffee). Sometimes one of them makes dinner, sometimes they order out. After dinner they usually settle on the couch and watch TV or read or do some work. They talk, too, probably even more openly than before. Neither of them seems to feel the need for a whole lot of separation, but when they do they give each other space. They seem to just “get” each other, and life is pretty routine and calm and good. So Dean, who’s gotten used to Cas’ schedule and his relatively predictable nature, is a little surprised and concerned when Cas shows up at his school on the day before Thanksgiving, which is a workshop day.  

_ Cas 8:55am:  Can you come outside when you get a few minutes?   _

_ Dean 8:56am:  Not due for a break until 12:00.  What do you mean outside? _

_ Cas 8:56am:  I’m in the parking lot.  I’ll wait. _

Dean peeks over his shoulder to look out the window and yes, Cas’ car is parked by the fence.

_ Dean 8:57am:  Are you okay? _

_ Cas 8:57am:  I’m fine. I can wait. _

_ Dean 8:58am:  Is it an emergency? _

_ Cas 8:58am:  Of course not.  I just can’t do anything else until I talk to you.  But there’s no hurry. _

Dean frowns and raises his hand. “Uh, Jody? Will you excuse me for a minute? Cas is here,” he says, which gets everyone’s attention. Except for Jo, they’ve yet to meet Cas.

“Sure, Dean,” she says. “Everything okay?”

“I don’t know. I hope so,” Dean answers as he stands and crosses the room. “I’ll be right back.”

Cas sits in his car, waiting for Dean’s meeting to break at noon. He stares at his phone and repeats Naomi’s voice mail in his head:   _ I have a decision regarding the applications submitted by you and your husband.  Please call me at your earliest convenience. _ There was no clue as to whether it was good news or not. Cas considered calling her immediately after receiving her message, but he didn’t want to hear the news alone. He tried to convince himself that he could wait until Dean got home at 3:30, but only made it twenty minutes before driving to Dean’s school. He feels horrible for being so needy and interrupting Dean’s day, yet it feels like his entire life is about to be turned on its head and for once, he doesn’t want to handle it by himself. He’ll wait as long as it takes. A knock on his window just a minute later startles him, but doesn’t really surprise him as he looks into Dean’s concerned face on the other side of the glass.

“You didn’t have to come out here now,” Cas says as he opens the door and slides out.  

“‘Course I did, Cas, you’re scaring the shit out of me. What’s going on?”

Cas takes out his phone and plays the message for Dean.

Dean looks at his friend with wide eyes. “Holy shit, Cas. Call! Come on!”

“Okay, okay,” he says, but stops before he hits the button. “Dean, what if…” 

“Hey,” Dean says as he stops Cas’ train of thought with two gentle hands on his arms, something he’s gotten more comfortable allowing himself to do. “Listen, if this doesn’t work, we’ll try another agency, alright? Or I’ll shoot my wad in a cup for you. Whatever. We’ll figure it out.”

“You’ll shoot your wad in a cup for me? I think that’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me,” Cas jokes, making them both laugh and relieving some of the nervous tension for both of them. Cas hits the button to return the call and puts it on speaker.

“Ah, Mr. Milton and Mr. Winchester, good morning,” Naomi greets them as if she doesn’t have Cas’ future hanging by a string. “Thank you for your timely return call.”

“Of course,” Cas says as calmly as he can. Dean rolls his eyes and his hand in a “get on with it” gesture.

“We reviewed your applications, including your background checks, employment histories, your interviews, the counselor’s report, and the interviews done with your family and friends, and we came to a unanimous decision.” Cas grips Dean’s arm so tightly he’s sure he’s cutting off his circulation, but Dean just cups his elbow and steadies him. “Congratulations. Your applications to become adoptive parents have been approved.”

Cas nearly drops the phone from his trembling hands. “Thank you,” he whispers, overcome with emotion. Dean holds his elbow a little tighter.

“Certainly. Now, here are the next steps…” she continues, outlining the next parts of the process. Cas and Dean listen attentively, Dean letting go of Cas to jot down notes in his phone. Naomi ends the call a few minutes later, and Dean and Cas are left standing in the parking lot.  

Dean looks at Cas, who’s still staring at his phone, and the emotions of the past couple of months well up in his body. “Cas,” he says, arms stretched wide, “Cas, holy shit! Dude! You did it!”

“We did it, Dean. We did it!” Cas yells, then jumps into Dean’s waiting arms. “Ahhhhhh!” he yells again, burying his head into the crook of Dean’s neck as he pumps his fist in the air. Dean laughs and twirls him around the parking lot.  

“I’m so fucking happy for you, Cas,” Dean tells him when he places him on the ground. Cas’ eyes are sparkling in the autumn sun, full of hope and joy he’s never seen on his friend’s face in the year and a half they’ve known each other.  

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas says breathlessly, grabbing his arms. “For all of it. For putting your life on hold and sacrificing…” 

“Hey,” Dean says, holding his biceps like Cas is doing to him, “Stop. I’m fine. I’m good. Listen, I know we’re having a huge meal tomorrow, but tonight I’m taking you to dinner, okay? We’re gonna celebrate your upcoming fatherhood. And tomorrow when we come over to your mom’s for dessert, we’ll tell everybody. Sound like a plan?”

“Sounds like a great plan,” Cas says, then flings himself into Dean’s arms once more, unable to resist another hug for the man who’s not only made his life better with his friendship, but has changed it completely with his selflessness. Dean returns the embrace, less shy about physical affection (and his enjoyment of it) than he used to be and full of joy for his friend.

When they part, Cas gives Dean one more bright grin and a small wave before driving away to contemplate what’s next. Dean, meanwhile, goes back to his meeting to find the entire staff looking at him, most with smiles on their faces. They’re standing by the windows, clearly having watched the entire moment.

“You guys are so cute!” Becky squeaks. 

“You have good taste, Winchester,” Crowley smirks. 

“Guess everything’s okay?” Jody asks with a smile. 

“Everything’s awesome,” Dean smiles back. Most of the others seem disappointed that they won’t hear more, but they decided to keep the information away from all but their closest friends and family until things were more certain. He shoots a quick, noncommittal nod to Jo before he sits back down, the smile never quite leaving his face. 

That evening, Dean takes Cas to a restaurant where ties are required and you have to eat an appetizer, entree, and dessert to feel full. They drink white wine and pay entirely too much, but neither of them mind. They have a lot to celebrate.

On Thanksgiving, they spend time separately with their families, then Dean and his family join Cas at his mother’s for dessert. Dean gorges himself on too much pie and lays in a bloated stupor until Cas nudges his leg and tells him it’s time. Cas calls Charlie and Balthazar on Skype. He had texted them that morning to ask if they’d be available. They wanted to tell as many people at once as they could — not to set up any sort of ruse this time, but to share the joy of their news. The news is met with excited gasps and chatter, along with a promise to help them along the way with anything they need. Even Michael nods, tight-lipped but not outright disapproving, as he acknowledges his brother’s unfettered joy.  

They spend the rest of the long weekend in a happy bubble, recording their video for the birth parents to watch as part of their selection process and making plans for converting part of Cas’ room into a nursery in case he doesn’t find a house in time. It all feels very domestic and hopeful, a feeling Cas loves… and so, surprisingly, does Dean, though he’s not quite ready to admit it just yet.


	7. Chapter 7

Cas is thinking about coffee and little else when someone knocks on the door. Bleary-eyed at 7:30 in the morning on a cold, dreary Saturday in mid-December, he shuffles to the door and finds Naomi Mullins on the other side, dressed impeccably as always and carrying her ubiquitous bag.  

“Mr. Milton,” she nods at him. “May I come in?”

“Of course,” he says, opening the door wider to allow her to pass.  

“Wonderful. I have some news for you and your husband. Is he at home?”

“Yes, I…” Cas pauses, remembering that Dean, _his husband_ , is in his own room. _Shit_. “I’ll get him, excuse me,” he says, hoping that she won’t notice which room he enters. Before he can move toward the bedrooms, though, Dean emerges, clearly coming out of the guest bedroom, where the sheets are rumpled on the bed. Cas can see from the corner of his eye that she notices.  

“Cas? What’s going… oh, uh, hey Naomi,” Dean says, flustered as he has the same realization as Cas. Naomi looks between them and Dean’s room for a moment, a crease forming between her eyes, and Dean licks his lips and looks at the floor.

“Hey, hon,” Cas says quietly, walking up to Dean and taking his hand. “I’m sorry about our fight last night. Missed you in our bed.” He wraps an arm around Dean’s waist and nuzzles into his neck, just under his chin.  

Dean gets the hint and says, “Me too, sweetheart. I’m sorry.” He kisses the top of Cas’ head and feels a flutter in his gut. He’s not sure what it means, but it doesn’t feel bad, exactly. It’s probably just the thrill of managing to make up for their slip. He closes his eyes and enjoys holding Cas close, since they’re supposed to be making up.  

“First married fight,” Cas explains to Naomi when he separates from Dean. She gives them the first warm smile they’ve seen from her.

“Ah, yes, I remember. Miserable. Well, hopefully my news will help you along. May I sit?”

“Yeah, sure, of course,” Dean says, pulling out a chair for her. Cas sits across from her, and Dean pulls a chair from one of the sides of the table and slides it next to Cas.  

“I have a young woman who has expressed interest in meeting you,” she says without preamble. Cas feels like his heart is pounding against his ribs. Dean grips his hand without thinking. “She is available tonight. Would you like to meet her?”

“Yes!” the men exclaim loudly.

“Very good. I’ll make the arrangements.”

At 6:00 that evening, Cas and Dean are sitting on the couch in a comfortable meeting space at the office of Little Angels. Cas notices the décor is welcoming yet neutral, with no platitudinous quotes or over-edited photos of happy families gracing the walls. He assumes this is done on purpose. Cas fiddles with his hands, wiping sweat on his pants every few seconds. This woman could be the person to give him the most tremendous, selfless gift someone can give. His leg shakes up and down as he waits.

Next to Cas, Dean stares straight ahead, his mind blank except for the worry that pervades it.

A woman in her mid-20s comes through the door. Her name is Olivia. According to her bio, she is the middle child of three, and has two children already. Her stated reason for choosing adoption was “to give my child a chance at a better life.” Dean wonders why she kept the other two, but not this one.

“Hello,” she greets them. Both of them answer her softly, as if their voices could break her.

The interaction is awkward at first, with Cas keeping up most of the conversation. Toward the end, though, everyone warms up to each other, and when they part Cas has a good feeling about this one.  

Unfortunately, his “good feeling about this one” never seems to pan out. Olivia decides to keep her baby. The next ones, Elyse and Brian, can’t agree on whether they want Cas and Dean. The next one, Lin, suffers a miscarriage before she chooses anyone. And the next one, Maria, chooses another couple.  

After two months of gluing his hopes and dreams together just to have them shattered again, Cas is thrown into despair.

“Maybe he’s right,” Cas whispers in the dark one cold February night when Dean finds him in the living room, staring out the window. The full moon casts a glow over the snow and Cas’ face, making the scene look haunted. Dean stands behind him and rests his hands on his shoulders, no longer afraid of their casual intimacy after so many months.

“No, he’s not,” Dean tries to reassure him. He hates what this process has done to Cas, hates to see the fire snuffed out every time it’s sparked, hates the smugness in his brother Michael’s sympathy.  

“Nobody has chosen me, Dean. Maybe this just isn’t meant to be. Maybe none of it is meant to be.” He closes his eyes briefly to stave off the emotions flooding his system.  

“Nobody’s chosen _us_ , Cas. We’re in this together, okay? Let’s face it, they probably listen to me and lose all their confidence in us.”

“That’s not true, Dean,” Cas says, covering one of Dean’s hands briefly with his own.

“Well, it’s not true that this isn’t meant to be, either. Hey, maybe those others didn’t happen because _your_ baby is just waiting to meet you, hmm?”

“Maybe. Or maybe this is my punishment for my selfishness and deception. Maybe I’m getting exactly what I deserve.”

“Cas, no,” Dean says, turning him around. “You’re not getting what you deserve. If you were getting what you deserve, you’d have a hot, studly husband and four kids running around a big house with a big backyard and a drooling dog that the kids dress up and take for walks in their red wagon.”

Cas looks at Dean’s kind, sincere face. He can hardly believe that he has such a caring friend. “Maybe there’s hope. I’ve got the hot, studly husband, anyway,” Cas says with a watery smile as he pats Dean’s arm and earns a soft chuckle. Cas swallows and heaves a sigh. “Maybe the rest is on its way.”

“That’s the spirit,” Dean smiles softly. “Gonna get some sleep?”

“Yes, eventually,” Cas says. “You can head to bed. I’m going to get a glass of water before I go back to sleep.”

“Okay,” Dean says. “See you in the morning.”

Cas pours himself a glass of water and sits on the couch, fully intending to just drink it and go to bed. He chastises himself for being so emotional and for dragging Dean into all of it. He wanted this. He knew what it would entail. He’s just tired, that’s all. Tired and frustrated and scared. As much as he talks a good game, he knows that doing this alone will be hard. IF he has the opportunity to do it at all. He knows, intellectually, that if he becomes a father he won’t be completely alone — he’ll have his mom and his siblings, and a couple of his friends will pitch in every so often. And he’ll have Dean around, at least for a while, at least until the adoption is final and they divorce. Not that he’d make him help or anything, but maybe he wouldn’t mind picking up take-out on one of Cas’ nights to cook if the baby keeps him too busy or something. Cas rolls his eyes at himself. He knows Dean will want to do more, just because he’s a nice person, but he’s done so much already that Cas won’t ask for more. No, if he becomes a father, he’ll have to rely on himself.  

“On the bright side,” he mutters quietly, “at least I’ll be too busy with the baby to care that I have no one special to love me.” He leans back on the couch and stares out the window. “And hey, if the kid doesn’t pan out, think of how much more I’ll be able to throw myself into my work. I’ll be free to work until I die at my desk, bitter and alone.” He presses his lips together tightly and tries not to cry, willing himself to toughen up.

Dean didn’t believe that Cas was going to go to bed, but headed to his bedroom anyway and listened by his door for a while. He heard the water running, but didn’t hear Cas head back to his room. It was quiet for a few minutes, but now he hears sniffling and the choked sounds of restrained tears. Dean sighs and rests his head on the door, feeling helpless. After a moment, he grabs his thick comforter off his bed and drags it to the living room. Wordlessly, he lays at one end of the couch and pulls a confused Cas against his chest, tugging the comforter over them once Cas settles against him. Cas curls into Dean’s body, too exhausted to protest the gesture of comfort from the man who married him. Dean holds him tightly and tries to focus on comforting Cas rather than the strange feelings he’s having as he cuddles the man he married.

“Things are gonna change, Cas,” Dean whispers into his hair.

Cas sighs and allows his guilt over the situation — all aspects of it — to melt into the night.

Dean wakes to the sound of the snowplow in the parking lot. He peeks one eye open and sees that there’s a fresh layer of snow on the trees. It must’ve fallen sometime after they fell asleep last night. Dean tilts his head down to see Cas’ sleeping face, slack and blessedly free of stress for the moment. They’ve been at this process for five months, which to his understanding is fairly short, but Cas has really been at this for years, trying different avenues, hoping for a husband to share it with. It’s hard for Dean to wrap his head around sometimes. He doesn’t think he’s ever wanted anything so badly. Since his father left, Dean’s pretty much stopped wanting anything so significant. There was a time, once, when he thinks he would’ve liked something more. It was always a weird sort of fantasy, though, one he still doesn’t really understand. He’d play with his action figures and make them go on dates and get married because “boys get along with other boys better and like the same stuff, and girls are gross.” He’s grown out of his idea that girls are gross, but never really came around to the idea that he wanted to date them. Fuck them, yes. Date them and do all that romantic stuff? Dean never saw the appeal. Not with women, so he assumed not with anyone, despite the occasional romantic daydream about not-women that he either rationalized or shoved out of sight. He peeks down at Cas again, still curled against him like a cat, and snuggles him a little tighter, enjoying the closeness it’s taken him so long to accept. Cas deserves a husband who will take him to dinner and hold him when he’s sad. Why doesn’t he have that? Dean doesn’t understand why all the good people get screwed. He sighs. He can’t make all his dreams come true, but he can do _something_ to ease his pain. He wiggles himself loose just enough to grab his phone off the end table and texts Sam.

_Dean 8:41am:  You guys have anything to do today?_

_Sam 8:44am:  Not until later tonight. Taking Eileen out to dinner while Mom keeps Ella. Why?_

_Dean 8:44am:  Want to go sledding?_

Just under an hour later, Sam knocks and lets himself in with the spare key they gave him for an emergency, as Dean had asked him to do. He hadn’t wanted to move from Cas’ side, since he looked so peaceful and needed the sleep so badly (and maybe because he’s enjoying cuddling on the couch with someone besides his mom). Sam peers at the two men on the couch and raises his eyebrows, but Dean scowls at him so he says nothing. Eileen and Ella follow just behind him, Eileen shushing Ella when she sees her jumping around. She points to Cas and signs that Cas is sleeping. Ella puts her tiny finger to her lips and says “shh,” imitating her parents, before she sneaks over exaggeratedly on her tiptoes and stands in front of the men reclining on the couch.  

“I kiss?” Ella asks, pointing to Cas.

“Sure,” Dean smiles. Rather than lean closer to kiss his cheek, she swings her leg up and climbs onto the couch, then crawls forward and onto Cas.

“Ella,” Dean laughs. “You’re gonna wake him up.” Her parents try to dissuade her from crawling all over the man in his arms, but Cas is smiling so Dean knows he’s awake and he waves them off. She reaches his face and puts her hands on his cheeks, but just before she kisses him Dean says, “Now watch out, he’s a bear when he wakes up!” She giggles and plants a wet kiss on him. He flutters his eyes open and smiles.

“Miss Ella,” he says in a gruff voice, “you woke up the bear! Rawr!” he says, then grabs her and lifts her high, growling and shaking her as she laughs hysterically. “You know what, though?” he says, bringing her back down until she’s inches from his face. “The real bear in the morning is Uncle Dean. He’s an angry bear.”

“Rooooaarr!” Dean growls, taking over from Cas and tickling her until she’s exhausted. Dean plonks her down between them.  

“Wanna sled!” she says, turning onto her belly and pointing out the window.

“Sled?” Cas asks with a smile.

And so Cas and Dean spend the next couple of hours with Sam, Eileen, and Ella, racing down the hill nearby until they’re all drained. At lunch, Dean cuts Ella’s chicken nuggets and pretends to gobble them up, delighting his niece. He half-listens as Sam and Eileen talk to Cas about their struggles with the adoption process, especially the waiting and the false starts, which is exactly what Dean had hoped his brother and sister-in-law would discuss. By the end of lunch, Cas embraces all of them as they part. He looks more settled and hopeful than he has in a while, and it settles Dean’s own unacknowledged anxiety.

That afternoon, Cas disappears for a little while, and when he returns he has bags of groceries. Dean helps him bring them inside, but when he peeks into one Cas slaps his hand. “Go away,” he orders. “I’ll call you when it’s ready.” Dean pouts but complies.  

Cas sets out his ingredients, humming happily. He really needed their outing today. Talking with Sam and Eileen about their experiences reminded him that they’re not alone in this. He frowns a bit to himself. _He’s_ not alone in this. This isn’t really something Dean wants. Still, he’s been nothing but supportive, and he’s had to suffer with all of Cas’ dramatics, so perhaps _they_ is still appropriate. He knows that Sam and his family coming to visit today was not a coincidence, and it warms him to the core that Dean would take care of him that way. And of course, he took care of him last night, too. He hadn’t meant to wake Dean, but he won’t complain that Dean came out and comforted him. He hasn’t had that sort of attention in a long time. And when he returned with his heavy comforter and wrapped the two of them up, not hesitating to take Cas in his arms… it was _wonderful_. It brought him a sense of peace and grounding that has been missing in his life since this whole thing started. Since long before that, probably. It pressed all of his emotional satisfaction buttons. And hell, a couple of his physical satisfaction buttons, too. It certainly didn’t hurt to be in the arms of a very handsome man. His very handsome, _heterosexual friend_. He shakes his head at himself. It figures he’d start developing an attraction to the guy. _Ugh._ The guilt about that swirls up in his gut, but he pushes it down and puts that attraction out of his mind. You can’t help who you’re attracted to. Besides, he’s certain it’s just something born out of his gratefulness and their closeness and Dean’s more recent willingness to indulge in physical contact, something they hadn’t done much before this all started. Since nothing will come of it anyway, Cas focuses instead on his gratitude for their friendship as he finishes supper. An hour later, the kitchen is a mess but the food looks fantastic. He calls Dean into the kitchen.

“What’s all this?” Dean says as he rounds the corner, looking like the curiosity nearly killed him.  

“A thank you,” Cas says. He places a plate of Jӓgerschnitzel covered in gravy, hot potato salad, and sauerkraut before him, with a cold Hefeweizen to go with it.  

“Dude. You made all of this? What the hell did I do to deserve this?”

“You know what you did, and I do, too, so thank you,” Cas says, smiling warmly, which makes Dean break their eye contact. It’s okay, though, because he knows Dean has difficulty accepting praise. Dean just hopes Cas misses the heat creeping into his face.

“Wasn’t necessary,” Dean says, but doesn’t hesitate to pick up his utensils and start eating anyway.

“Fine. We’ll call it our celebration dinner, then. And now tomorrow we’ll have something to tell everyone at work.”

Dean chuckles. “Yeah, alright.”

When they sit on the couch after dinner, a German chocolate pie between them and forks in their hands, they both smile to themselves as they ponder the holiday they never meant to celebrate.

After all, it _is_ Valentine’s Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love to you all <3


	8. Chapter 8

“So then Cas makes this face like he ate shit — literally — but he keeps eating it anyway ‘cause he’s just trying so hard to be nice. Then I tell him I screwed up the recipe and I watch his face just…” Dean laughs as he imitates Cas for Donna, Becky, Jo, Garth, and Cesar, the long-term sub for one of the fourth-grade teachers who went out on maternity leave, and they laugh along with him.  

“You have a very patient husband, Mr. Winchester,” Crowley comments from across the room, where he’s sipping tea and reading the newspaper.

“Don’t I know it,” Dean smirks. He catches Benny rolling his eyes and decides to goad the man because, frankly, he’s finding his shit pretty annoying at this point. He’s been married to Cas since Halloween and it’s St. Patrick’s Day now. He really needs to get over himself. “Cas is a very patient guy. And a great cook, holy shit. He makes me dinner almost every night when he’s home. And the other night, when I complained about being sore, he even drew a bath for me. Can you believe that shit? A _bath_. And, _and_ , he helped me cut out all the stupid shamrocks for today, even though he had to fly out this morning to Seoul to give a talk at some summit thing.”  

“What’s he do again?” Garth asks before turning to greet Kevin, a second grade teacher who just walked in.

“He’s a tech ethicist,” Dean answers with a pride he doesn’t have to fake. He _is_ proud of Cas.  

“Wait… Cas… is your husband Castiel Milton?” Kevin asks.

“You betcha,” he replies, imitating his favorite co-worker (besides Jo). Donna smiles and nudges him gently.  

“Cool,” he murmurs. The young teacher is a total technophile.

“Yes, we all know your boyfriend’s great,” Benny mutters as he collects his mail. Dean’s not sure Benny meant to be heard, but that hardly matters.

The room gets a little quieter as Dean scowls at Benny behind his back. “My _husband_ , Mr. Lafitte.”

“Yes, fine, we don’t all need to hear about it constantly, Mr. Winchester. Or should I say Winchester-Milton? Or just Milton?” Benny sneers.

“I’ll thank you kindly to watch your mouth,” Dean snaps. “Other people talk about their spouses and you don’t say a word. I do it and you can barely contain your contempt.”

“I think you’re just foolin’ yourself with this nonsense.”

“Nonsense. You callin’ my marriage nonsense, Lafitte? ‘Cause there are words for the attitude you’re takin’ with me.” Dean casts a steely gaze at the man.

Benny’s eyes widen and he clamps his mouth shut. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he says eventually, clenching his teeth subtly as he steps back.  

“Good. ‘Cause believe it or not, I’m a lot happier married than I ever was single.” His phone buzzes and he takes it out of his pocket. Seeing Naomi’s name, he excuses himself and takes the call in the hallway. His anger at his co-worker disappears as he hears Naomi’s news:  she has a young woman who wants to meet them.

“Yeah, of course, when?”

“She’d like to meet you tonight, if possible.”

“Uh, Cas is flying to South Korea as we speak. He doesn’t even land until tomorrow and his speech is that morning or that night their time, I can’t remember. He’ll be back early Monday morning. Can she wait?”

“Please hold a moment.” She leaves the call for a minute, then returns with a compromise. “She is quite anxious to meet you. Could he participate via Skype on Friday night, our time?”

“Uh, I have no idea. I can e-mail him. He should be able to check it on the plane.”

“Very good.”

Cas sees the e-mail from Dean within the first few hours of the Detroit to Seoul leg of his flight. He calculates his availability, considering the time changes, and agrees to talk to them on Friday night their time (Saturday morning Seoul time). He doesn’t bother to hope that this one will work out any better than the ones before.  

Dean hasn’t had to do this by himself before, so he’s extra nervous on Friday as he waits in the sitting room at Little Angels, the door left ajar for Claire, the next person who will either make or break their lives… _Cas’_  life. He chats with Cas, who looks worn around the edges. They’re six months into the process now, and though Cas tries to be optimistic, he doesn’t always pull it off.

“I wish you were here right now, man. Fuck, I’m nervous,” Dean admits.  

“Me too,” Cas says.  

“How are you doing?”

“Pretty damn awful, to be honest,” Cas says. “Sorry,” he hurries to add as Dean’s face falls. “I’m utterly exhausted and I’ve felt sick most of my time here.”

“Hey. Don’t have to apologize,” he says, leaning on his hand. “Jet lag, huh?”

Cas nods. “You look tired, too,” he notes.

“Nah.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Okay,” he smiles, his hand moving to his mouth. They huff tired chuckles at each other and hold their stare a little too long before Dean says, “Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it.”

“I know.”

“You really look like shit.”

“Aww, honey, you say the sweetest things.”

Dean knows Cas didn’t mean to make the pun, but he laughs stupidly hard anyway, Cas following suit in a sleep-deprived hysteria.

“Um, hi,” a voice says to Dean’s left. He stops laughing and turns. A blond girl stands there, obviously pregnant, twisting one of her feet nervously against the floor and holding a small purse tightly against her. Dean has no idea how long she’s been there. “I’m Claire.”

“Hey,” Dean says, standing to greet her and holding his hand out to shake hers. She takes it, her grip surprisingly strong against Dean’s. “This is Max Headroom,” Dean jokes as he thumbs at Cas, proud of himself for his little reference to the artificial intelligence character from the ‘80s. The young woman raises her eyebrows.

“She’s a bit young for that reference, Dean. Hi, Claire. I’m Cas.” Dean makes a face at him.

Claire’s mouth ticks up slightly at their interaction. She flops her hand up in a wave. “Hi.”

“Okay, the man in the box, then,” Dean says. At her blank look, he sings a few lines, then says, “Alice in Chains? No? Come on!”

She purses her lips in begrudging amusement but shakes her head. Cas snickers behind the hand that hides his face. “You’re too old to be cool, Dean,” he teases.

“Oh ha, ha,” he says sarcastically to Cas. Turning to Claire, who’s eyeing them the way most teenagers eye their parents — with disdainful amusement — he grumbles, “Sorry. We’re both a little punchy today. Have a seat.” He gestures to the couch since it’s the only spot where they can both see the computer. She sits next to him and darts her eyes around. Cas can tell the young woman is nervous.

“Tell us about yourself,” Cas says kindly.

“Me?” At the men’s nods, she murmurs, “No one’s asked me about… me, but, okay.” She tells them about growing up in a small town with her grandparents after her parents died in a crash that should’ve killed her, too. She was “sheltered” most of her life, and found what she thought was love with a young man during her freshman year in college. “I laughed when I saw you guys got married on Halloween,” she comments. “That’s the night I conceived.”  

“I’m not sure I wanted that mental picture, Claire,” Dean jokes, and the trio laughs.

She tells them about her scholarship, her hopes to be a professional dancer, and her concern about her ability to be a parent at this point, especially with the father’s lack of interest in child rearing. She shares her grandfather’s support of her decision (her grandmother having died a couple of years ago) and her decision to take time off from school until the babies are born. Cas squints, not sure he heard her correctly. Dean turns and stares at her. “Babies?” they say in unison.

“Yeah.  I’m having twins.”

Cas’ eyes and mouth widen. “Wow,” he smiles.  

“Holy shit,” Dean says with awe. “Uh, sorry.”

“Yeeaah,” she mutters. “Will that be a problem?”

The men share a glance before Cas says, “Absolutely not.” Dean grins warmly at him, then at her. Her mouth ticks up a bit.

“I Googled you guys,” she says matter-of-factly. “You’re not gonna be too busy to have kids?”

“I’m taking a sabbatical once the baby… uh, babies are born,” Cas answers.

“And I’ll be around, too,” Dean adds. “I work at a school so my work schedule is pretty child-friendly, and we have family around, too, so the babies won’t be lacking for attention, for sure.”

“Awesome,” she says softly, staring at her lap. “So, have you guys met a lot of people?” she asks.

“A fair amount,” Cas answers.

“Me too,” she mumbles. “Why didn’t they work out?”

Cas shrugs. He tries to smile but it feels forced. Dean, hating the way his face contorts every time his friend asks himself that question (and Dean knows it’s a lot), quickly jumps in.

“Extenuating circumstances for some, and for others, we just weren’t the ones and we don’t know why. But we keep going. Because that guy right there is meant to be a dad. Right?” Dean turns to Cas with his question, and Cas nods. “Fist bump,” Dean says with an endearing grin that Cas can’t resist. He shakes his head with fondness and puts his fist to the camera, Dean meeting him with his own.

Claire nods her head as she looks at them with wide eyes.  

“So you’re a Kindergarten teacher,” she clarifies with Dean, who nods. “Yeah, I can see that.”

Cas giggles as he imagines just what she sees in him that makes her think he relates well to young children.

“Hey, what’re you laughing at, Chuckles?” Dean asks, pointing his chin defiantly at the screen.

“Nothing,” he smiles, rubbing his eyes. He’s drop-dead tired, his head is pounding, and he feels slightly nauseous. He isn’t presenting himself well at all, he’s certain of it. But he’s happy, at least, to hear Dean’s voice, to feel his comforting teasing over the miles. For today, it’s enough.

“And you tell people why technology is bad?” she asks Cas.

“Oh no, not at all,” Cas replies, though without his usual vigor. “I am an ethicist specializing in technology. I encourage people to think about what they’re doing and all of the benefits and risks of decisions they’re making in regard to technological advances, both in their use and in their creation.”

“Oh. So you’re not like one of those ‘banish technology and play in the trees’ people?”

“Uh, not exactly,” he smiles. “I love technology. I love trees, too. Personally, I believe in balance.”

“So, sit in a tree while you tweet?” she smirks.

“Mmm, I suppose you could,” he chuckles. He knows she’s baiting him and he’s too tired to bite.  

“Hmm,” she comments. They grow quiet for a few moments. It’s a bit awkward, Dean thinks, but he knows they all need some time to process. Cas rests his head in his hands.

“So what kind of music do you like, then?” Dean asks Claire to break the silence. “I mean, I gotta know what the kids are listening to in there.”

“Um… mostly pop, some techno…”

“Ugh, you’re killing me, Claire!” Dean holds a hand to his heart as if it’s about to give out. “Damn. How is that even music?”

“It’s music!”

“Is not! They’re just throwing random sounds together and synthesizing them until they sound like something… I can’t even say like something good. Claire, I’m saying this for your own good. Drop the techno.”

“I like it!”

“It’s just this ear-splitting _whee-rohhh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah_ crap. You can’t even sing to it!”

“You’re such a dad, oh my God.”

“It’s…” A loud crash startles them and they turn to find Cas gone from the screen. “Uh, Cas, where’d you go?”

“Ow, fuck,” they hear him mutter as he climbs back into the chair. “Pardon my language,” he mumbles, not making eye contact.

“Dude, did you fall out of your chair?” Dean asks, barely containing his laughter.

“I must’ve dozed for just a second,” he mutters, and Dean roars, huge guffaws bursting from deep within. Claire stares at the both of them incredulously, biting her lip as if she’s trying to hold her own laughter. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he says, embarrassed. His eyes are red and glassy, and Dean stops laughing and grimaces sympathetically.

“It’s okay,” she says finally. “You’re tired. Obviously. Uh, listen, I’m gonna go. It was nice meeting you guys.” She gives another floppy wave and a tight smile before she turns and walks out, leaving the door as it had been when she arrived.

“Well, I just fucked that up royally,” Cas berates himself, rubbing his forehead.  

“Dude, stop. Listen, we’re probably way too old for her, anyway.” Cas shrugs without emotion. He’s gotten used to disappointment. “Hey. It’s gonna happen. And if it doesn’t, remember, I’ve got a wad ready to blow for ya.”

“Dear God,” Cas mutters as Dean cackles. He watches his friend through bleary eyes. “I kinda miss you, Winchester.”  

“I kinda miss you, Milton,” Dean smiles. “Get some sleep and get your ass home safely.”

“Will do. See you soon,” Cas says. He barely makes it onto the bed before he’s out.

Cas’ flight comes in on Monday morning at 6:35. Dean, used to being up this early anyway, takes advantage of the day off he called Jody at home for after Naomi’s call yesterday afternoon. He waits for Cas at the airport, anxious to see the man after his time away and their strangely charming but ultimately humiliating interview with the latest birth mother.  

Cas lopes down the gangway and into the terminal. With no bags to collect, he heads toward the exit and sees Dean waiting for him. He was surprised to get his text when they landed, telling him he’d be here to pick him up. Dean’s welcoming smile is infectious, and despite his fatigue he returns it. “Hi,” he greets him as Dean wraps him in a crushing hug. He puts his carry-on bag aside and hugs his friend with equal fervor. “To what do I owe the pleasure? You don’t usually meet me at the airport. Do you have the day off?”

“Yup,” Dean says, looking into Cas’ reddened eyes before continuing. “We, uh, have a phone call to make.”

“It couldn’t wait?”

“Naomi called yesterday and said to call her together today as soon as we could.”

“Does she realize what she asked for?”

“She said as early as possible,” Dean says. He dials Naomi’s personal number and puts it on speaker. Unconsciously, the men slide an arm around each other’s waists in support.  

“Mr. Milton, Mr. Winchester,” she answers, sounding as if she’s been up for hours though it’s barely 7:00. “Thank you for calling as soon as you could. I trust you had a good trip, Mr. Milton?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Good. Well, I have news for you.” The men, who used to hold their breaths for these calls, simply swallow and tighten their grips. “Claire has chosen you as the adoptive parents for her children. Do you accept?”

A beat passes as the men absorb what they heard. “She did? Are you sure?” Cas asks, voice tight and raspy from the dry air and the hope racing through his body.

“Yes, I’m certain,” Naomi says, sounding amused. “She enjoyed you both very much.”

“She… she did?”

“Yes, she did, Mr. Milton.”

“Ohhh,” he utters, his voice carrying and cracking on the single syllable before he starts sobbing with relief and joy.  

“I think that’s a yes, Naomi, but hang on,” Dean laughs. He pulls Cas into his arms, bearing his weight as Cas collapses onto him, clinging to his zippered sweatshirt. “Hey, is that a yes? I gotta hear a yes,” he whispers into his ear. “You wanna be a dad for those two kids, huh?”  

“Yes. God, yes,” Cas says. His words are muffled and he’s getting drool and tears and probably snot on his neck and hoodie, but Dean doesn’t care. He’s filled with joy.

“Yes, Naomi, tell her yes!” Dean yells into the phone.

“Very good. Call me later today once you’ve had a chance to celebrate and rest, and I’ll give you details about the next steps and her appointments and whatnot. Congratulations, gentlemen.”

“Thank you!” Dean shouts, followed almost immediately by Cas’ “thank you” yelled mostly into Dean’s chest, since he turned his head but wouldn't let go. Dean hangs up and pulls Cas away just enough to look into his face.  

“Cas,” Dean grins. “We’re gonna be dads.”

“We’re gonna be dads!” Cas shouts, jumping and latching on to Dean’s body. “We’re gonna be dads!”

Dean twirls him around and around, neither of them caring that they’re making a scene. People are clapping and a few of them are recording the happy couple. Cas and Dean are lost in their moment, noticing neither the people around them nor the fact that both of them used the word “dads,” plural, and neither corrected the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay!


	9. Chapter 9

The rest of the week flies by in a blur of congratulations, distracted work days, calls with Claire, and blessedly restful nights. On Friday, Dean takes a half-day and Cas lets his class out early so that they can be there for their first checkup and ultrasound. The obstetrician assures Claire and the men that the babies are growing well. She patiently answers Cas’ seemingly endless questions. When the appointment is over, they move to the Imaging Department a floor down. The men step into the cool, dark room once Claire is ready, and wait for the pictures to show up on the screen.

“Those are the heartbeats you hear,” the ultrasound tech, Leia, says. Dean tries to keep his _Star Wars_ comments to himself. Cas is clinging to Claire’s hand and watching the screen raptly; Dean is parked on the other side of the bed since the room is so damn small. “And there are the kiddos,” she smiles. “Here is Baby A’s foot, and leg, and there’s an arm, and the head is right here. And here’s Baby B,” she continues. “There’s the foot with some little toes right there, and there’s the right arm and hand. See the fingers? And the chest, and the head. Ooh, this one’s showing you their profile.” The tech is careful not to give away the gender.

“Everything’s in place,” Dean jokes. Cas grins and reaches across Claire’s legs to take his hand, which Dean gives willingly. Seeing the babies, alive and kicking, feels surreal, and he’s glad to have Cas’ strong, confident presence with him, even if he’s holding a dude’s hand. He’s done this with Cas before, and it’s not a bad feeling.  

“Would you like to know the sex?” Leia asks.

The men look at Claire. “Up to you guys, but I wouldn't mind,” she says with a shy smile.

“Then yes,” Cas says. They had discussed this last night.

“Let’s see if they’ll cooperate… uh huh… okay, Baby A is a boy, and Baby B is… also a boy!”

Cas feels like he’s done entirely too much crying in this whole process, but the tears spring up again anyway. “Two boys,” he whispers with awe.  

“Your sons,” Claire smiles.

“Our sons,” Cas says, turning to Dean, who looks just as awed as he feels.  

“Our sons,” Dean echoes, meeting Cas’ glowing eyes and feeling the stirring of something deep within him. Just the heat of the moment, he assumes.  

They take Claire out for dinner before she goes to her part-time job, then they stop by the mall before returning home. Cas pulls out the sonogram photos, including a couple of 3-D ones that nearly made Dean choke up when he saw them. They make the babies look so real. Which they are, he knows, but they look like actual people and not alien blobs. Cas hands the smaller ones to Dean, along with two of the frames, and he takes the larger pictures and frame and sits at the kitchen table to put them together.

“So, do you wanna do one of those gender reveal things? Eileen was asking me.”

“We could, I guess,” Cas shrugs.

“Her and Anna and your sisters-in-law want to plan one.”

“Whatever makes them happy,” Cas chuckles. “As long as they can pull it together soon. We were planning to tell everyone on Sunday and I don’t think I can keep it a secret much longer. The gender _and_ the fact that there are two of them.”

Now Dean chuckles. “Good, ‘cause I think that’s when they’re doing it.”

“We didn’t actually have a choice, then.”

“Nope. I guess the only thing we get to do is fill the piñata thingy with the right color of confetti. They’ll be extra surprised when we tell them they should’ve bought two.”

“Yes, they will,” he laughs. “Hey, what do you think?” He holds up the frame with three openings, the two single pictures of each boy flanking a picture of the two of them together. Leia caught them looking like they were hugging.

“It’s awesome, Cas,” Dean smiles. “Here are the other ones for work.” Dean holds up two identical frames with copies of the hugging picture in them, purchased for their desks. Dean supposes it would’ve looked odd if he didn’t have one, thus the reason Cas gave him one, he assumes. Not that he didn’t want one, because he most certainly did. Even if he won’t be raising them, they’re important to him and, as Cas’ friend, he’ll have a role in their lives. A few more rest in a folder in a bag, waiting to be handed out at the party. “I can’t believe they’ll be here in four months.”

“Three, more likely,” Cas reminds him. “Twins are usually early.”

“You think they’ll be okay, being early?” Dean asks, worry creasing his brow.

“I think so, yes,” Cas assures him. “Dr. Cormier thinks they’re healthy, and Claire says she feels good. We just have to hope.”

“Yeah.” Dean gazes at his desk photo. “Cute little buggers.”

“That they are.” He stands, pausing to lean over Dean’s shoulder to gaze at the photo with him. “Is it crazy that I’ve only known about their existence for a week and I’m already in love with them?”

“Nah, I don’t think so. Who wouldn’t love these little guys?” he asks, tracing the frame with his index finger. Cas squeezes his shoulder, then reaches around him and grabs the large frame he assembled. Dean continues to stare at the picture while Cas hangs the frame in the living room. Cas heads to bed a few minutes later, still catching up from his travels. Dean doesn’t know how long he sits and stares at the picture of the tiny beings that would be changing their… _Cas’_ life. Cas and his family’s lives.

Dean seems off on Saturday. Quiet. Cas wonders if the excitement of the week is finally catching up with him. He gives Dean some space for a while and does his Saturday chores and errands. Late in the afternoon, as he’s perusing house listings in the area, his phone alerts him to a text. He picks it up and frowns.

_Mary 3:45pm:  Are you with Dean? He hasn’t been returning my text messages._

He looks at Dean sitting across the room, absently staring at the television.

“Dean? Why is your mother asking me why you aren’t returning her texts?”

Dean looks up guiltily. “Um, probably because I haven’t been returning her texts.”

“Why not?”

Dean looks at his friend (okay, best friend, who’s he kidding?) and sighs. “She’s asking me stuff and I don’t know what to tell her.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Shit. You’re gonna make me talk about this, aren’t you?” Cas raises an eyebrow. That, along with his wide, confused eyes, gets Dean every time. He’s convinced the guy does it on purpose. But how does he say that he feels like he’s screwed up his family’s heads (and his own, maybe) by doing this thing for Cas without making Cas feel horrible? Rather than trying to explain, Dean reads the texts aloud:

_Mom 9:47am: I’m so excited about tomorrow! Can’t wait to find out if it’s a boy or a girl! Not that it matters. Do you have an extra copy of the sonogram that I could have?_

_Mom 9:50am: I know I’m not really the grandmother but I sort of will be legally for a while and I think it would help your story in case Naomi comes by for some reason._

_Mom 9:52am: Plus I just really want one. I know you don’t want kids so this is the closest I’ll ever get to being a grandma for your child._

_Mom 9:54am: And I know you’re not married to Castiel beyond the legalities but you seem so much happier these days and I really have come to love him like family._

Dean leaves out the part about him being happier these days, even though it’s true.

_Mom 12:23pm: I just want to be a part of the baby’s life if I can._

_Mom 2:57pm:  Ellen wants to know what their involvement will be too. She feels the same way I do. And Eileen and Sam want to know. What do I tell them?_

_Mom 3:31pm:  I hope I’m not upsetting you, sweetheart. I understand if maybe you’re a little confused, too._

Dean doesn’t read the last text, either.

“Oh, Dean,” Cas says. “Of course I want them involved, in any way they want to be. You really didn’t know what to tell them?” Dean shrugs and looks down at his hands, toying nervously with the drawstring of his sleep pants he never bothered changing today.  _Of course I didn’t know what to tell them_ , he thinks. _I don’t even know what to tell myself sometimes._

Cas stands and closes his laptop, then picks up his phone and calls Sam. “Hey Sam, it’s Cas. Are you and Eileen able to meet us at your mother’s? You’re already there? Perfect. Dean and I need to stop by. Yeah. He’s fine. We’ll be there shortly.”  He hangs up and kicks Dean gently on the bottom of his foot. “Get dressed.”

“Why are we going to my mother’s?”

“Because we need to talk about this with them, and we’re not doing it over text or a phone call.” Dean nods and disappears to change. Cas rubs his forehead. It was a crazy, rash decision to do this, but it’s done and he isn’t going to let the people who helped him get to this point think that they’re just going to be tossed aside.

The ride to Mary’s is quiet, Dean still stewing in his confusion. They’re greeted as they usually are when they arrive: with enthusiastic, loving smiles and hugs. It reminds Cas of coming home.

“I can’t wait to see that baby tomorrow,” Mary smiles as she takes Cas’ jacket.

“I think you’ll be very happy,” he smiles, throwing a wink at Dean above her head. Dean rolls his lips into a soft smile.

“Unca Cas!” Ella yells when she sees him. She started calling him Uncle Cas all by herself, and no one bothered to stop her. “Up! Up!”

“How far up do you want to go?” Cas laughs as he lifts her high above his head before settling her on his hip.

“Oh sure, now _you’re_ the favorite uncle,” Dean teases as he stands by him and blows raspberries on her neck.

“I’m just the new toy,” Cas assures him. Ella reaches for Dean and Cas hands her over. “Can we talk?” he asks Mary and the others gathered there — Sam, Eileen, and Ellen and Bobby, who came by for dinner. “Dean mentioned you had some questions, and I just want to clear things up before tomorrow.” They nod and wander into the living room.

Dean is glad to have the distraction of Ella. He’s not sure he could’ve talked about all this stuff, not sure if it’s even his place to. He cuddles his niece and turns to listen to Cas.

“I just want all of you to know that I think of you as my family. Thus, you’re family to any children I’m blessed to have. Dean gave me the most beautiful gift, and you are all a part of that. You’ve supported us in this journey and you all had a hand in helping Dean become the wonderful, selfless person he is. I would never shut you out of my life or the lives of any of my children. So Mary, if you want to be Grammy or Nana or whatever, you are absolutely welcome to be. You and my mom should probably work out the names between yourselves.” Mary smiles through her tears. “Eileen and Sam, I know the two of you would be a fantastic aunt and uncle, and Ella would be a wonderful cousin, so if you want that role, it’s yours. Ellen and Bobby, I believe that family is defined by love, not blood, so I would be very happy if you wanted to be Nana and Bumpa, Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt and Uncle, or whatever you’re comfortable being. My father is deceased and I don’t have any living grandparents, so…” he glances at Bobby, “...no pressure or anything, Bob, but there is a vacancy. Just letting you know.” He smiles warmly at the people around him that have become his family and receives warm smiles in return.

“What’s Dean gonna be when this is all over?” Bobby asks.

“Good old Uncle Dean!” Dean answers at the same time as Cas says, “Whatever he wants.” Dean blinks at Cas, who simply smiles.

“Thank you,” Mary says as she hugs Cas. “I would love to be that baby’s grandma. And you know, we consider you part of this family, too.”

“Thank you,” he says into her hair.

Dean and Cas stay for dinner, and when they’re alone again later on Dean says, “I uh, just want to say thanks. For letting my family be part of your kids’ lives. It means a lot to them, and me, too. I’m never gonna be able to give them that stuff, so it’s awesome that you have, you know?”

“Dean, you’re the reason…”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but you’re the reason they’ll get to be grandparents and aunts and uncles again. Don’t sell yourself short, alright?”

Cas nods, looking at Dean’s profile as they drive home. “Would you help me pick out a new vehicle? I want something more child-friendly,” he says to change the subject.

“You got it, soccer dad,” Dean grins. On the way home, he tries to figure out how he’ll put two car seats into the Impala.

The women (and Gabe) go overboard for the gender reveal party, especially given that Cas didn’t even know about it until Friday night. He’s not sure he’s ever seen anything like it, not even at his siblings’ parties for their children’s gender reveals. It’s wonderful to have his family’s support. Michael doesn’t seem thrilled, but he does smile once or twice, at least. Cas is happy that no one in the family overreacted to his group message last night, telling them about his discussion with Dean’s family and warning them against any ill words or behaviors. In fact, they seem happy to include Dean and his family as just part of the whole package. Cas wasn’t paying lip service to his “family is defined by love” statement. This is the family that taught him that, and he’s proud of them.

When the party games have been played and the guesses have been made, it’s time for the big moment. Cas wanders away from the party to find Dean, who looks lost in thought.

“You ready?” he asks.

“Yup.” He huffs a small snicker. “Never in a million years thought I’d be doing this.”  

“Well, believe it,” Cas jokes. He hands Dean the piñata and the packages of pink and blue confetti that Anna gave him to choose from. Dean drops the pink to the floor and tears the blue open. Meanwhile, Cas pulls out the bag they snuck into the house. They fill the piñata with the blue confetti and the goodies from their bag.

“Think they’ll get it?” Dean asks.

“I hope so,” Cas says. He looks at Dean. “I know this is a weird situation and not something you ever wanted, but if you want to enjoy it, you can.” Cas can’t possibly know what Dean’s been thinking of, but he gives him a knowing smile, anyway, and Dean shoves him lightly as they head to the living room.

In the living room, Eileen, Hannah, Kali, and Anna take turns reading out the predictions, then they give the men their instructions. When they pull the strings underneath the baby carriage piñata, blue confetti they’d stuffed it with earlier comes fluttering down upon them, along with packages of Twix bars and Doublemint gum, which was not something the women gave them. The room explodes in cheers at the news that it’s a boy. It takes a bit longer for anyone to pick up on the other things that came from the piñata.

Eileen eyes the candy on the floor and looks at the men, who are standing and waiting. Her eyes widen, and she signs, “Twins?” The men nod, and she yells, “Twins!” Everyone turns to her, then to Cas and Dean, who are grinning from ear to ear.

“Twins?” Laurel asks.

“Two boys,” Cas confirms, and Dean holds up the picture of the boys hugging. More screams rise up from the assembled family and friends, and they’re inundated with hugs and kisses. Cas peeks at Dean above the heads of his sisters-in-law, and his stomach flutters at the joy on his friend’s face. Dean watches Cas’ eyes tear up as he hugs his mom and she mentions something about his dad; he sees Cas’ face soften, joy and grief mixing into a sort of wistful acceptance and a sense of moving forward. That’s another gift in all of this, Dean thinks. Cas finally gets to move forward, to live his life the way he wants to live it. The thought jars him in a way he doesn’t expect. He has the sudden urge to hug his friend, and he gives in to it. Cas accepts Dean with open arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who’s been commenting, and to those who are reading as each chapter is released. Much love! <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fluffy chapter before next time...

Donna pounces on Dean the minute he walks through the door of the library before their Monday meeting. “Let me see that baby!” she demands. Several other co-workers are gathered and waiting, all of them excited to hear the news. Benny keeps his distance.  

“Which one?” he grins.

“You know which one. _Your_ baby, you goof!”

“No, I mean…” he says, flipping his framed sonogram photo around, “which one?”

“Oh my God, _two_ babies!” Donna shouts, waving her hands around. The people he is coming to regard as friends surround him and coo over his — _Cas’_  — babies. He tells them about the gender reveal and about the first appointment, and that the babies’ due date is July 24. Several of them pout and tell him that he’d better call or text them when they’re born so they can come visit. Their kindness and positive regard fill Dean with contentment. He feels so much fuller as a person than he used to, he notices.

He stares at the photo whenever he’s at his desk, and he makes it his lock screen on his phone.

Cas sits in his office staring at his babies. He traces their features absentmindedly as he sips the coffee Dean made him before they left together. He can’t stop smiling.

“Hey Daddy,” Balthazar’s head greets his friend as he floats in the doorway. “Collaboration meeting. Joining us?”

“Yes, of course,” he says. Balth smiles and disappears. Cas presses a kiss to his fingertip, then touches each baby’s head. He plops down next to Balth in the conference room. Most of the other faculty from the Philosophy, Computer Science, and Engineering departments are already there; Charlie, usually last but still on time, doesn’t disappoint.

“Morning, bitches!” she says brightly, wedging a chair into the corner of the table and squeezing next to Cas.

“Dr. Bradbury, please,” the Computer Science department head, Dr. Devereaux, chides.

“Sorry, Frank. Morning, Doctors Bitches,” she nods to her colleagues, then smirks.

“Thank you. Now, first order of business. Let’s see this kid of yours, Castiel.”

“Kids, actually,” Cas corrects with a smile. He holds up his phone, and most of his colleagues ooh and aww at his precious little miracles.

“Alright, that’s very nice, but can we move on?” Zach, an associate professor and roboticist in the Engineering Department with the personality of a wet rag, huffs after a few minutes.

“No,” Billie, the Philosophy department head, retorts. Cas smirks at the older man, who’s never been a fan of Cas’.

“Our Castiel became viral. He’s trending,” Charlie notes, showing a video that someone shot on their phone on the large-screen monitor on the wall. It’s from the day they found out they were chosen. Cas watches with soft eyes and his chin cradled in his hand. He hasn’t seen this before, and the memory washes through him like he’s been immersed in a steaming bath.

“Don’t you just love love?” Billie says to Charlie, who sighs. Balth smirks at Cas and his colleague Ash, a professor in the Computer Science department, demands a high five.

“Thank you for your support, everyone. I really appreciate it,” Cas says, ignoring the fact that not _everyone_ professed their support. “Now, Dr. Adler, can you tell us about the safety mechanisms for values alignment that you’re building into your latest design?” Cas asks, knowing that Zach resents the fact that he has to consider ethics in any of his work and deriving joy from it. Despite Zach’s sour demeanor, it’s a great day back at the office.

Spring arrives in earnest, and though the men’s days are filled with work, their evenings are considerably busier; they are consumed with Cas’ house hunting and visits with Claire and their families and friends and Dean’s shopping sprees.

“Look what I bought today!” Dean cries one April night. He’s been coming home with onesies, bottles, diapers, and other things he insists they will “need,” such as a CD of rock lullabies and more toys than they could ever use.

“Dean, what are those?” Cas says, turning away from the boiling water on the stove. He huffs a small laugh. As Dean drags the large boxes inside, Cas shakes his head with fond exasperation. “Dean, the kids won’t be able to use those until they’re two or three.”

“I know, but they’re so cool and they were on sale!” He closes the door behind him. “And look,” he says, rummaging through a bag, “I got them little cowboy hats, too! And vests!”

“Dean,” Cas chuckles, “there is no shortage of ride-on horses for children. We could’ve bought these when they were older.”

“I know, but they’re cool ‘cause they look so realistic. And they’re sturdy. Uncle Dean couldn’t resist.”

“You can’t resist anything,” Cas smiles, rolling his eyes. “Where are we going to put them?”

“In my room. Or, you know, you could decide on a freakin’ house and we can put them there, Mr. Moneybags.” Dean has teased Cas ever since he found out that Cas will be paying for his house outright because he’s saved up so much money over the years, living alone frugally (that explains why the Harvard professor lives in the mediocre apartment they currently inhabit) and making sound investments with his earnings and the small inheritance from his father.

“Ha ha, yes, I get it,” Cas grumbles. “We have appointments to see a couple tonight, so we need to eat a bit early.”

“Yeah, alright. I’ll put these in my room for now.”

“You can put them in mine, if you want.”

“Nah. You’ve got tons of shit in there already. Besides, it was my idea.” Dean pushes one box and drags the other into his bedroom, nearly breaking his neck when one of the boxes catches on the threshold and he slams into it. He tucks them into a corner and smiles. Cas doesn’t even know about the double stroller he bought. That’s still in the trunk. And his Amazon order should be arriving soon. And probably the Redbubble one, too. And the Etsy one.

After supper, they drive to a large development of beautiful homes. They see some kids playing here and there, and people just arriving home from work in nice SUVs and minivans like the ones Cas has been looking at. The home itself is gorgeous, and Cas likes it very much. It has plenty of room for the boys, plus extra space for guests. It’s a modern, tasteful home that his agent called “move-in ready.”  

“Better than the apartment, huh?” Dean grins to Cas as they’re wandering around the outside of the house, admiring the landscaping and checking the exterior for anything serious. Some neighbors are standing in the driveway next door, watching, and Cas’ internal radar starts to ping.

“Indeed,” Cas says. He peers over surreptitiously at the curious neighbors. “Do me a favor, Dean.”

“What’s that?”

“Hold my hand.”

Dean makes a face. “Why?”

“I just need to check something.”  

Dean shrugs and takes his hand as they continue wandering. He sees Cas’ eyes flick to the two couples nearby. They’re watching them, and Dean suddenly gets it. He’s testing out the tolerance of the neighbors. _Well, that’s a shitty thing to have to do_ , he thinks. They reach the edge of the property, where some young, well-manicured bushes buttress the neighbors’ low fence, and Dean swings Cas to face him, smiling at Cas like he’s the most amazing man Dean’s ever met. And, well, he is a pretty great guy. He asks through his teeth, “Are they assholes, Cas?”

Cas chuckles and gently caresses Dean’s face with his thumb, which feels surprisingly good. “I think so,” he smiles back. “So much for this place.”

“Hey, maybe we should go talk to them, feel ‘em out.”

“Are you sure? We might be contagious. Wouldn’t want them to catch the gay.”  

Dean cackles at Cas’ joke. “I’d like to see that, actually.”

“Mmm. They could switch partners.”

“Kinky. Maybe this _would_ be a fun neighborhood.”

Cas laughs and slings his arm around Dean, and they walk to the edge and wave at the two couples, who wave back reluctantly.  

“Hi there!” Dean calls, making his voice overly enthusiastic and bright. “So hey, we were thinking of moving in. We were wondering if it’s a fun neighborhood for couples? You know, like, _fun_?” He adds a wink and Cas can barely contain his laughter.

“This is a family neighborhood. Very quiet and boring,” one of the women says.

“Oh, so the neighborhood's more for, like, married couples with good jobs — you know, teachers or something — and a couple of kids.”

“Yes, exactly,” one of the men pipes up.

“Funny, that’s exactly what we are,” Dean says, his voice low and serious now. Cas eyes Dean with pride, then squints at the neighbors, a little smirk on his face. The neighbors squirm under the intense gazes of the two men.

“Well, what did you think?” Julie, their agent, interrupts the staredown.

“Gonna pass on this one,” Cas says, loud enough for the neighbors to hear. “The house is nice, but the surrounding area is shitty.” He gives a pointed glare at the couples, then feels Dean snicker and squeeze his waist. They walk away without a second glance.  

“I don’t blame you,” Julie says as they get out of earshot of the neighbors. “They seem like jerks. I do have one more to show you.” Cas sighs and Julie continues, “I know you’ve seen a lot, but this one just came on the market and I know the neighborhood. I think you’ll love it. Ready?”

A few minutes later they drive into a cute, family-friendly neighborhood of intersecting side streets. Kids are playing in some of the yards. In others, people are gardening or just arriving home with bags of groceries or briefcases or backpacks. Several people are taking advantage of the milder evening and taking their dogs for walks or jogging. Cas instantly feels a kind of rightness in this neighborhood, like his children would grow up in a tight-knit community.

The house itself is adorable. It’s large enough for the two boys and even a third child, and it has room for an office/guest room as well. There’s a large living room and a kitchen that has a little dining nook by a large window, where the kids could have breakfast before school or they could color or help him cook. The kitchen is open to a dining room with enough space for the boys and their friends or for guests or for a family that, by some miracle, includes someone who _wants_ to be married to him someday. He imagines dinners surrounded by his kids and his husband and smiles.  

“Like it, huh?” Dean asks as he sidles up to him.  

He shakes the fact that he had Dean on his mind a moment ago and nods his head.

Outside, they chat with a couple walking with their dog and baby and with a man who is out watering his newly-patched lawn. Without even asking, Dean holds Cas’ hand the entire time, and no one balks. They learn from the man that the neighborhood is a mix of younger families and grandparents, couples and single people, and that there is another gay couple a few streets down and a lesbian couple another street over. They also learn from the man that trash pickup is on Wednesdays and that the school bus makes several stops in their neighborhood, usually picking up right at the children’s houses. When they bid him goodbye, Julie asks, “So, what’d ya think?”

Cas and Dean look at each other and grin. “I want to make an offer,” Cas says.

A month later, their new neighbors greet them and their families and friends with friendly smiles, waves, and pizza. And they finally have enough room to put away all of the things for the babies that Dean still hasn’t stopped buying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean and his shopping sprees... :D


	11. Chapter 11

Cas’ crisis of conscience comes to a head in May.

The weekend after they move into the new house, Cas and Dean host their first barbecue, and several of the women in their families decide it’s the perfect time to have the baby shower since they don’t know exactly when Claire will deliver and they don’t want to be late. Claire comes to the party, knowing what it will be but choosing to come anyway, and even decides to spend the night for the first time. She has gotten to know the Winchester and Milton families over the last few months and they have welcomed her with open arms, giving her the larger family she missed out on when she was living with her parents and then, later, with her grandparents. The families were all required to go through education programs through Little Angels if they were going to have contact with the birth mother, and the process seemed to help everyone be sensitive to her needs. And, of course, Dean and Cas treat her with the utmost care and have grown to love the intelligent, spirited young woman.  

“You guys looked so happy today,” Claire grins as she sits on the couch, her feet propped up on pillows to help with the swelling. “I wasn’t sure if I wanted to come today, but I’m glad I did. Seeing you guys with your families, it’s just awesome. This is exactly what I wanted for the boys.”

Cas smiles tightly and busies himself with assembling a motorized swing they received, which will sit in the living room with its double, which Dean is assembling. Dean eyes him sharply. He knows what Cas is thinking. Cas has talked to him a few times. As they grow closer to Claire, the lying is eating him up. That night, after Claire is sound asleep in Dean’s bed (because it’s the “guest bed,” not Dean’s bed), they have a huge argument in angry whispers in Cas’ room.

“You heard her, Cas! She wanted that big, happy family thing for the boys, and that’s what they’re gonna get! You said yourself that my family is welcome to be included in their lives, and you _know_ they’re gonna take you up on it!”

“Yes, I know, but that isn’t what she means. She _means_ that she wanted that happy family for the boys, but she wanted it to start with _us_ , the men she thinks are a couple! She constantly tells us that we’re cute and we look happy and she’s so excited that the babies are going to have two great daddies. That’s what she wants!”

“And that’s what she’ll get!”

“No, she’s getting a lie. She’s getting one guy who will hope-to-God be an okay father, and she’s getting you, who will be a great support but doesn’t want to be a dad.”

“She wants a family who’s committed to those kids. We are!”

“Until when? Until we divorce? Then what? She never wanted Daddy Cas who raises the kids alone and Uncle Dean who loves them but won’t have a hand in raising them. She wants two parents, Dean. We’re deceiving her.”

“Well, what did you think this was gonna be?” Dean asks, throwing up his hands in exasperation.

“I don’t know! I thought it would be easier. I didn’t think I would care about the birth parent, not _really_. Not the way I’ve come to care about Claire. And how ethical is it for me to continue to deceive her? Shouldn’t she get to make her own decisions about this, full disclosure?”

“No, because ultimately she’s not going to be parenting them,” Dean spits, pushing away his own guilt.

“But she loves them and cares about what happens to them, you _know_ that! Don’t deny it!”

“I don’t deny it!” he says. Dean couldn’t deny it if he wanted to. He used to believe that birth parents were selfish, simply abandoning their children because it didn’t suit them to be parents. He knows that those beliefs probably stemmed from his father’s abandonment of them. He understands now that most birth parents aren’t being selfish at all. Most of them struggle with the decision, feeling horrible guilt. Many of them would keep the child if they could. Most have determined that for some reason, their child will have a better life if another person raises him or her — because of financial stability or emotional, mental, or physical maturity or stability, or simply because they feel they aren’t capable of being the parent the child needs. Giving a child for adoption is a loving choice. He used to think that was bullshit, but he completely believes it now. He knows Claire loves those kids she’s carrying and wants the best for them. It’s a terrible conundrum, though, because he knows she wants the best, and he also knows that Cas would be the best. There’s no doubt in his mind. So, really, she’s getting the best, just not how she pictured it. He says as much to Cas, who doesn’t buy it at all.

“It’s not giving her the choice, Dean. She’s making a decision based on a lie. And who are we to say I’m the best choice?”

“You _are_ the best choice!”

“There are many wonderful people out there who could parent these children, Dean.”

“But they’re not those babies’ parents. You are. I know it, Cas.”

“I want that to be true, Dean,” he says, his voice strangled with emotion, “you know I do. But that young woman has been through so much, I just… I can’t. I have to tell her.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I do.”

“You are gonna ruin everyone’s lives here, Cas. She’s gonna be fucked up because we lied, and now she’ll have the stress of choosing another couple with just a couple of months to go. You’ll never be able to use Little Angels again, even if you get married to someone else. Your family and mine… we’re all gonna be heartbroken. And you… you’re gonna be devastated, Cas. I don’t know if you realize what this is gonna do to you. Think about what you’re doing!”

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” he cries before storming out of the room and holing himself in the en suite bathroom.  

Even though it’s late, Cas starts the shower. Showers always help him think. He strips and stands under the hot blast of water pounding into his face. Soon his hot tears join the water. He’s screwed this up so badly. He’s hurting so many people. But he can’t let this continue. Not with Claire. He knows he will get what he deserves — his family will forgive him eventually, but he will lose Dean’s family for sure. He will lose Dean, his best friend. He will lose the babies, the precious boys he already loves with all his heart. But how could he be a good father to them if he betrayed their birth mother to get them? He can’t. He has screwed up his life. It seems Michael was right after all. It won’t be his destiny to have children. But it will be not because the Fates were fickle, but because of his own greed and impatience. When the water starts to run cold, Cas dries himself and redresses in his bedroom in the sleep clothes he’d been wearing. He looks around briefly for Dean, who was supposed to sleep in here tonight so as not to alert Claire to their situation. He figures Dean is on the couch, but it doesn’t matter anymore where Dean sleeps. Claire will know tomorrow. He crashes onto his bed, bereft and alone.

Dean sits in the hall and listens as Cas shuffles into his bedroom from the bathroom. He knew Cas would take a shower and cry when he thought no one could hear him. He knew Cas’ conscience would get to him. And he knew Cas would take on all the blame. It hurts to see Cas putting himself through all this pain... and Dean knows he started it. He started it by running into his apartment, pretending to be Cas’ fiancé, and urging Cas to play along. He got Cas into this mess. And even though he hates that telling Claire may mean the end of everything, he can’t watch Cas live in misery, either. Granted, Cas’ll be miserable either way, but at least his conscience will be clear. Dean hears Cas scream into his pillow, and the muffled agony stabs his heart. He gets the sudden urge to lay beside him and wrap his arms around him, to comfort him and hold the pain with him. He’s not sure he’d be welcome, though. Soon his sobs cease, and Dean assumes he fell asleep. He tiptoes downstairs and lays on the couch, feeling empty and yet much too full.

Harsh, angry sunlight slashes at Cas’ eyes until he wakes, and he rubs the irritated orbs and remembers he didn’t take his contacts out last night. He slogs to the bathroom and completes his morning rituals mindlessly. He feels like shit. He slept horribly, tossing around and perseverating. He glances at the sonogram picture next to his bed and feels his eyes well up again. His boys.  

He drags himself downstairs and to the kitchen, where breakfast was made and a note leads him to his plate, kept warm in the oven. He has no desire for food right now. Hearing laughter, Cas glances up and sees Dean and Claire sitting on the deck, Dean rubbing Claire’s bare feet. He pays her such tender attention, and his eyes betray his affection for her even as he’s teasing her about something. She clearly is taking none of his shit, laughing and flipping him off. Cas feels like he’s going to be sick.  

Cas steps out onto the deck, the wood warm under his stockinged feet. He’s shaking even though it’s warm outside, so he’s grateful for what little warmth he can feel. He folds his arms around himself. “Good morning,” he mutters, his gravelly voice even rougher than usual thanks to his crying and screaming. Thank God no one heard him carrying on.  

“Hey, Cas!” they respond simultaneously, both smiling at him.

Cas sits and shields his eyes from the torturous daylight. “Claire, we need to talk.”

“Cas…” Dean starts.

“I’m so sorry, Dean. I am. I hope you can forgive me.” He swallows against the lump in his throat and continues, “Claire, I need to be honest with you.”

“Okay. I’m listening,” she says, watching him carefully.

“Claire… damn it, I’m so sorry, Claire. I deceived you. We did. All of us.” He breathes deeply, then says, “Dean and I are married, but we are not actually a couple. We are close friends. Or we were; I’m not sure how he’ll feel now.” He swallows again, not looking at Dean, and runs his hand through his hair. “I have wanted to be a father for as long as I can remember, but for several reasons it wasn’t happening. The call from Little Angels was my first and best opportunity to become a father, but it came with... requirements. Dean helped me meet those requirements by marrying me. I told myself that the end justified the means, but once I got to know you, I just… I can’t do it. I can’t lie to you anymore. The intention was for us to adopt the baby — babies — and then, once the adoption was finalized, to end our marriage so that Dean could be free to have the life he desires. He did it out of the goodness of his heart, and I hope you don’t blame him for this. I should’ve stopped it.” He sighs heavily. “Anyway, that’s it. I’m so sorry, Claire.”

Claire is silent for a few heartbeats. “Do you still want to adopt the boys?” she asks finally.

Cas looks up at her so that she cannot misunderstand him, his eyes red and shiny. “More than anything. I love them so much.”

“Okay then,” she says simply, shrugging her shoulders. She takes a sip of a pink smoothie.

Cas frowns. “Okay then?” he repeats. He couldn't have heard her correctly. “But…”

“Dean already explained everything to me.”

“He did?” Cas whips his head toward Dean in utter bewilderment. Dean offers him a small, soft smile.

“He did,” she confirms, then stands and stretches her back. “Ugh, can’t sit too long anymore.”

Cas stands up to meet her eyes. “You’re not angry?”

“Well,” she admits, “I was, for a little bit. But I get it. Dean explained everything, like, from the beginning. And really, I still think you’re the best choice.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” she smiles. “Right from the start, you cared about me. None of the other adoptive parents really asked about me or what I wanted for the kids. But you guys did, and now I feel like part of your family, too. I wanted the boys to have a big family who loves them, and they will. They’ll have cousins and aunts and uncles and grandmothers and a grumpy grandpa. And they’ll have you guys, who will love them more than anything, I just know it. And I know Dean said he never wanted to be a dad before, but, well, I think he’s gonna be an awesome dad or pseudo-dad or whatever anyway. He’s been really great. And Cas, Dean told me how much this means to you, but he didn’t have to. I see it. I think you love these kids more than yourself. You guys have basically sacrificed everything for these kids. That’s what I want for them. And as for the whole couple thing, well, I think you guys make a good pair anyway. You care for each other. Your video was really funny, and you guys are just the same when I’m around. You can only fake so much of that. And you being all worried about Dean and Dean being all worried about you… can’t fake that, either.” She pauses. “Do you know why I picked you guys?”

“No,” Cas says. He sees Dean shake his head in his periphery.  

“I mean, the video thing, yes, but I heard you guys before I met you for the first time. You guys were just being, like, a typical couple. You were asking each other how you were, calling each other out, just being supportive, you know? Like you were in it together. And then when I met you you guys treated me like a person. You joked around with me and didn’t back off when I gave you a hard time about your jobs and stuff. You guys joked around and gave each other a hard time, too, but you had each other’s backs, I could tell. And you felt so bad when you fell asleep, Cas,” she grins, and Cas hides his face against the embarrassment. “I actually thought it was pretty cool. I mean, not that you fell asleep, but that you were so determined to meet with me even though it was totally inconvenient for you and you didn’t feel good. Kinda proved to me the lengths you would go for your kids. But anyway, even after that, when you felt so bad and thought you fucked it up, you guys were there for each other. That’s when I decided you were it.”

“You heard the end of our conversation?” Dean asks.  

“Yup,” she says with a mischievous grin. “Even the part where you offered to blow your wad.”

“Ugh,” Dean says, rubbing his forehead.

“And the part where you said you missed each other.”

The men look anywhere but at each other, heat rising in their faces.  

“Thank you, Claire. May I give you a hug?” Cas asks.

“Bring it in,” she says, looking put out except for the smile tickling the corners of her mouth. He steps forward and embraces her, the two of them forming a triangle to accommodate her pregnant belly. “You too,” she says to Dean, who stands and walks into Claire and Cas’ arms. “Oh, you guys getting in on the action, too?” she says to her belly. She brings Cas’ hand down until he’s feeling the foot of one of his children.

“Ohhh,” Cas whispers. “Hey little one. Daddy loves you. Hi.” He peers at Dean, who’s watching him with a wistful smile. “Come here,” he says and places Dean’s hand under his.

“Whoa,” Dean whispers reverently. “Hey dude. How are you? You can feel all these people here who love you, hmm?” He moves his thumb as if he’s tickling the baby’s foot.

“Not to be left out,” Claire says as she moves Cas’ hand off Dean’s and places it on the other boy’s foot (or elbow or hand, it’s hard to tell). They stand there a few moments, feeling the babies through Claire’s stretched belly, until Dean’s phone rings. He moves away reluctantly. “Be right back,” he says as he steps into the house to answer it.

“You know why he told me, right?” Claire asks Cas when they’re alone.

“Not really,” Cas admits. “He seemed pretty against it last night.”

Claire pauses, then gives him a thoughtful, serious smile. “He wanted to save you from having to break it to me.”

“He did?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Why indeed?” she asks, her smile turning amused and fond.

“Hey,” Dean interrupts, “Cas, Sam wants to know if we can watch Ella for a bit so he can take Eileen to some farmers’ market thing and lunch to celebrate her promotion.”

“Fine with me if it’s fine with you,” Cas responds. “We could see if Nalia would like to come over, too, give Anna a break.”

“Sounds good. I’ll call her.” He smiles brightly at Cas before he ducks back inside.

“Why indeed?” Claire repeats to herself, rolling her eyes to the sky.

That evening, after the girls have gone home and Cas is prepping for a business trip, Dean takes a ride out to Hannah and Michael’s house. Lily and Alfie yell his name when they fight to answer the door (so much for the element of surprise, not that he was looking to surprise anyone), and Hannah comes to show him inside.

“Hi Dean! What brings you by?”

“Looking to talk to Mike, actually. Is he home?”

“In the garage, tinkering,” she says with a tilt of her head toward the back of the house.

Dean finds Michael on his knees in front of a Harley, detailing it with a careful touch.

“Hey,” Dean says.

“Dean,” Michael responds with surprise, pulling a rag from his back pocket and wiping his hands.

“We told her. Can you lay off Cas now?”

Michael gives him a look of confusion before comprehension dawns. “Claire?”

“Yes. Not Naomi, but yeah, we told Claire everything.”

“Ah. And how did it go?”

“Great. She still wants to proceed.”

“Cas must be pleased.”

“Very. So that’s it, right? You’re gonna stop giving him crap now?”

“He’s still lying to Ms. Mullins.”

“Yeah, well, the rule is stupid.”

“It’s still the rule…”

“So what? Isn’t there a greater good here? What’s your problem? You have everything he wants, Mike. Why can’t you be happy for him?”

“I have everything _he_ wants? He has it great and doesn’t even know it! See this motorcycle? It was Cas’. He gave it to me, told me he didn’t need it because he had bigger dreams. Told me I should enjoy it. I’ve never taken her out. Know why? ‘Cause I’m afraid I wouldn’t come back. I didn’t want kids, Dean, not right away. Hannah got pregnant and that was that. I married her. We started our family. I did the right thing. And I love my kids, don’t get me wrong. But my freedom? My ability to get my own business off the ground? Gone. I’m in a well-paying job I hate so we can have some stability and Hannah can stay home with the kids. And every day I feel like I’m suffocating. I’m not sure who I am anymore. I don’t want that for Cas.” Michael stops, stunned at his own words and who he confessed them to. Dean feels just as stunned as Michael looks. Cas had told him that he suspected things were a bit rough for his brother and Hannah, but he didn’t expect this.

“Does Hannah know all that?” Dean asks cautiously.

“She knows I’m unhappy. She is, too.”

“Do you guys still love each other?”

Michael sighs. “I think so. Somewhere in there. But I don’t know anymore. It’s hard to tell.”

Dean shifts his weight and clears his throat. “Look, Mike. You owe it to yourselves and your kids to figure it out, one way or another. I know from experience that miserable parents make miserable kids. But you gotta work at it, you know? Try to be friends again. Figure out what you like about each other. Maybe date or go to therapy or something. But what you can’t do is let things get so bad that you just bail. That would devastate your kids. Trust me. I have fuckin’ issues now.”

Michael stares at the floor, wiping his hands needlessly on the rag from his pocket, then twisting it nervously.

“And as for Cas, it’s not the same, man. He’s a well-established adult. He knows who he is and what he wants. You’ve been mourning your loss of freedom, but your brother has been mourning his inability to have children. You’ve both been hurting, but for different reasons. You know?”

Cas’ brother sighs and nods subtly.

“Mike. Let Cas and I take the kids tonight. I’ll get ‘em to school tomorrow. You and Hannah go out. Or stay home. Talk. Figure out a plan, maybe.”

“Why are you doing this?” Michael asks, truly confounded by Dean’s visit and generous offer.

“I dunno. I just came here to tell you to lay off Cas.” The two men share a short chuckle. “Seriously, though. My dad was an asshole. He slept around, then bailed on his marriage and on us. It was rough. You have a great wife. And you have great kids. I’d hate to see their lives turn to shit because you don’t figure things out. And Cas, he loves you. He’d be more than willing to help you, I’m sure of it. Come on. Let us take the kids.”

Mike looks longingly at the motorcycle, then at Dean. “Alright,” he says.

“Uncle Cas!”

Cas turns from the presentation he’s reviewing to see Alfie and Lily running toward him, Dean following with their overnight bags. “Hey, guys,” Cas laughs; he moves his computer just in time before they tackle him. “What are you doing here?”

“Sleeping over!” Lily says with a toothy grin (minus one front tooth).  

“On a Sunday night? You have school tomorrow.”

“Uncle Dean said that Mom and Dad need grown-up time,” Alfie explains.

“A date!” Lily squeals.

“Oh?” Cas says, looking up at Dean, who’s looking at them and smiling.

“Alright, you rabble rousers, go get in your pajamas and come back out. Uncle Cas and I will pop some popcorn and we’ll all watch _America’s Funniest Home Videos_ , okay?”

“Yay!” the siblings scream before running off.

Cas looks up at Dean. “What did you do?”

Dean shrugs. “Cosmic brownie points.”  

“You’ve been earning a lot of those lately,” Cas notes, looking at Dean steadily with an affection that has Dean rubbing his palms together to expend his nervous energy.

“Yeah, well, figure I can use all the points I can get.”  

“Whatever will you do with them all?”

“I’m saving ‘em up for something really good.” He winks and walks out to check on the kids.

Cas watches him go, chest swelling with warmth even as his eyes trace down his body and land on his ass. “Damn you, Dean Winchester,” he mutters with smiling lips and a shake of his head.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was only a little emotionally fraught, right? Everything’s okay now. :)
> 
> Oh, and you’ll want to bring your toothbrush for the next chapter. The sweetness is guaranteed to rot your teeth.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toothbrushes ready? ;)

“Cas is slowly but surely driving me to the brink of insanity,” Dean gripes as he sips his coffee before their staff meeting.  

“Trouble in paradise?” Crowley asks with a tiny smirk.  

“Ha ha. No. He’s just getting anxious. Now that it’s June, the babies are officially due next month. Even though it’s still seven weeks away he’s freaking out. I swear he’s read every baby book known to humankind. He could probably write one.”

“Aw, that’s so cute. All parents are nervous,” says Jody.  

“You must be too, eh?” Cesar asks, jostling Dean with his shoulder.

“Yeah, I am,” he says, not wanting to admit all of the complicated feelings he’s having.

“Did you guys do your babymoon yet?” Becky asks.

Dean makes a face. “Babymoon? What the hell’s that?”

“Dean!” Donna whines, swatting him on the arm. “You haven’t taken your husband on a babymoon yet? You have to!”

“What is it?” he asks again.

“It’s a little vacation away before the baby comes,” Becky explains. “It’ll probably relax him a bit. You should go.”

“This weekend! Take him somewhere nice!” Donna urges.

The idea is appealing. When he allows his mind to wander uninhibited — something that’s been happening more and more these days — he fantasizes about sweeping his sweetheart away on a romantic trip. Not that he has or ever will have a sweetheart to do that for; he doesn’t ever want to hurt anyone the way his father hurt his mom. _That’s why it’s a fantasy_ , he thinks to himself. Well, this might be a good substitute, and maybe it would make Cas less grumpy.

“Tell me what I’ve gotta do,” he says.  

By the end of the day, he has a trip planned, Monday off, and arrangements for Claire just in case. There’s only one thing left to do.

_Dean 3:27pm: Hey do you have any plans for the weekend? Friday afternoon through Monday night?_

_Cas 4:01pm: No, I don’t think so. Why?_

_Dean 4:03pm: Pack your bags :)_

Dean takes Cas to a gorgeous resort in Bermuda (and yes, the short nonstop flight _still_ sucked, though Cas resting his hand gently on his arm made it easier). He gets a little thrill out of watching Cas marvel at the gardens and close his eyes to enjoy the warm breeze. “I’ve never been to Bermuda,” he says, and Dean’s stomach flips a bit at giving his well-traveled friend something he hasn’t experienced before. “How did you even afford this?”

“Frugal living, like you,” he shrugs. “It helps that you haven’t charged me rent, either. I put all that money away.” Cas had insisted on Dean keeping his money, explaining that he had a special deal with the landlord anyway and, later, that he paid outright for the house so there was nothing to split.

“Well, this is absolutely amazing, Dean,” Cas says.

“We haven’t even gotten inside yet, Cas. Reserve judgment until then.”

“I don’t mean the place, although it’s gorgeous. I mean your thoughtfulness in doing this.” Dean blushes a bright red and Cas laughs. “Such an easy target,” he teases. “Come on, hubby.” Dean blushes again as Cas turns away from him; Cas hasn’t called him his husband when it’s just the two of them before. It feels strangely comforting.

They walk into a grand lobby, white and turquoise and warm wood colors combining with lush floral scents to welcome them. Dean gives their names.

“Ah, yes, the babymooners,” she smiles. “Welcome. We have a wonderful room waiting for you. Tomorrow you are booked for a tee time at 8:30, followed by a couples’ massage at 11:30 and high tea at 4:00. Please let us know if there is anything you need or desire to make your stay more pleasant.”

“Thank you so much,” Dean smiles. Cas blinks rapidly, surprised at all of the special plans Dean made.

They enter the room, a beautifully-appointed cream-and-gold space with wide windows and French doors leading onto a private balcony. The bathroom is tasteful and sports a large, jetted tub.  

“No shower?” Dean asks, poking his head through the door.

‘Outside, I’ll bet,” Cas says, and walks out to find the shower off the balcony, near another jetted tub.

“Dude, fancy outside shower,” Dean marvels. “Gives you ideas, huh?” he jokes, jostling Cas with his elbow.

“Lots, unfortunately,” Cas sighs. “I am a fan of outdoor sex.”

Dean’s eyebrows jump at the unexpected confession. “Have you had a lot of outdoor sex, Cas?”

“A fair amount,” he says, smirking as he turns to go inside. He collapses on the king-size bed and closes his eyes. Dean laughs and follows him in.

“Sorry about the bed,” Dean apologizes.  Cas feels the bed dip.

“We are a happily married couple on our babymoon. I think you’re forgiven,” Cas says lazily. The adrenaline rush of racing to the airport and catching their flight just after Dean got out of work has faded now, and a pleasant sleepiness takes its place.

Dean is sure Cas was making a joke, but he asks anyway. “You think we’re happily married, Cas?” 

Cas blinks his eyes open. “So far, so good,” he grins. “I could do a whole lot worse. I mean, you’re a hot piece of ass, you have great taste in food and movies, and you take me to really nice places. Oh, and you’re funny and loyal and selfless and my best friend and all that crap,” he finishes, saying the last part with a dismissive wave as if it isn’t important. “They say happiness is marrying your best friend, right?” He smiles crookedly and closes his eyes again.

“You think I’m a hot piece of ass, Cas?” Dean asks with a wicked smirk to fend off the flipping in his gut at all the rom-com shit happening right now. Cas peeks one eye open, his mouth twitching into a scrutinizing frown.

“Objectively speaking, you’re alright.” His mouth curls up into a devilish grin.

Dean shoves Cas as if he’s offended before getting back to the original topic. “I know I’m being stupid about the whole bed thing. I just don’t want it to be weird.”

“I’ll try to keep my distance so you don’t catch the gay cooties,” Cas smirks, eyes closing. He misses Dean’s heated face.

“That’s not… don’t worry about that, that doesn’t bug me,” he finally manages to sputter. It sounds odd to Cas’ ears. He turns his head in Dean’s direction and opens his eyes once more.  

“I’m just teasing you, you know.”

“I know, I know. Shut up. I’m taking a shower. Don’t sneak up on me,” Dean jokes, trying to lighten up the sudden strangeness in the room.  

“Don’t worry. You’ll be warned about eight inches in advance,” Cas deadpans. Dean gives him a funny look until he makes sense of what Cas means, then scowls and throws his traveled-in t-shirt at him as he tries not to give Cas the satisfaction of laughing. He laughs anyway as he mutters “asshole” under his breath.

Once Dean disappears, Cas strips to his boxers and lays under the thick, white covers, finally letting himself relax after the long day full of surprises. He isn’t sure why Dean decided to do all of this for him, but it certainly isn’t helping his little crush any. He sighs and pointedly does _not_ think about Dean and hot, outside shower sex.

Cas is asleep when Dean steps into the air-conditioned room. He turns the A/C off and keeps the doors open to the breeze, knowing Cas prefers natural air circulation. He’s not sure how he knows that, exactly; it’s one of those weird things he picked up somewhere in their friendship. Dean climbs into bed and takes in the gentle waves of Cas’ hair and his sharp, angular face against the white of the sheets. He licks his lips subconsciously and smiles at what he managed to pull off. Donna and Becky were big helps. He told them what he wanted and they scurried around the internet on their breaks until they found it. The place is a little expensive, sure, but so what? It’s indulgent and that’s what Cas needs: to indulge in a little bit of self-care before the babies take over their — _his_ life. Cas’ life. Because they are Cas’ children, even if Dean is pretending they’ll be his, too. He turns off the light and closes his eyes, visions of Cas and the happiness he feels taking care of him the last conscious thoughts in his mind.

The men take breakfast in the gorgeous outdoor dining area overlooking the harbor. They are sent complimentary mimosas and each add a couple more before they head out to their tee time. Dean and Cas are well-matched; they take turns taking the lead, Cas coming out the eventual winner (“which is absurd because my nephew can beat me at mini golf,” he comments about his win). They walk to the spa and are directed to their massage space, where two tables are set up in a gazebo in a private garden area.  

“Wow,” Cas breathes. Despite his ability to splurge, he rarely has. Dean puffs his chest a little. The couple is given champagne and led to the tables, then invited to strip bare. The changing space is one large area, but they respectfully avert their eyes from each other.  

The massage therapists work them over with lightly fragranced oils. Cas feels himself melt into the table, and he drowsily peeks at Dean, who’s already watching him. He reaches out and gently takes Dean’s wrist. “You are the best husband ever,” he slurs in his relaxed stupor.

“You too,” Dean smiles, his mind and body way more relaxed than they’ve been in some time. He didn’t realize massages were so relaxing and wonders why he didn’t have one sooner. Dean slides his hand until he can link his fingers with Cas’. “We should do this, like, once a month or something, even after the babies come,” Dean murmurs through slackened lips.  

“Mmm, yes, good idea. You’re so smart,” Cas murmurs before closing his eyes again. Dean watches him another moment before closing his own. He panics for a split second at the fact that he made the move to hold his husband’s — friend’s — hand. He’d only wanted to keep Cas’ attention for a moment. Yet here they are, holding hands. But Cas doesn’t seem to mind, and Dean is drowsy and content, so he lets it be. Their hands stay linked until they have to roll over.

After their massages, they grab a light lunch overlooking the harbor again, then find a pair of hammocks and nap until it’s time to dress for tea time. Neither has participated in a high tea before, and they’re both impressed at the fine linens and china, the fragrant pots of tea, and the trays piled high with scones and other pastries.  

“Holy shit, maybe I’m a little gay after all,” Dean says through a mouthful of lemon-basil scone. “This shit’s awesome. I love this clotted cream stuff.” Cas laughs, watching as Dean washes down his too-large bite with the smoky tea. His casual demeanor is contrasted by his smart blazer and pressed pants. The afternoon light reflects off the ocean and Dean’s eyes, making them both sparkle.  

“That would be nice,” Cas murmurs under his breath. Dean leans forward and raises his brows in question, but Cas shakes his head. “Nothing. What would you like to do tonight?”

Dean shrugs. “I was thinking a late dinner and drinks after, maybe?”

“That sounds good,” Cas smiles.  

They have a casual dinner at a local dive the concierge recommends, then go to the open-air bar within the resort for drinks. A lively host is running some sort of game, and people are whooping it up. It’s a fun atmosphere. They have a couple of drinks in them when the host switches gears and asks for couples to volunteer to come up for the next activity. Dean is leaning toward Cas closely, holding his arm absently and telling him a funny story Crowley told him about his latest date.  

“You two! Come on up!” the host shouts as a light follows him, then shines on the married men.

“What?” Cas asks as they’re being hustled toward the stage. He looks back at Dean, who looks just as bewildered but willing to go with it. It’s some version of _The Newlywed Game_ , Cas surmises. He looks at Dean with alarm. Cas hates making a fool of himself in public.

“Alright, we have a great prize for our winners tonight, so let’s get started!” The host sends the partners, including Dean, offstage and asks the remaining partners a series of questions. Cas tries not to panic. When they return, Dean smiles tightly at him and shrugs.  

“Alright, everyone. These questions were asked of your partner. You have to answer the way you think your partner would have answered. Okay, first question: What’s the habit you have that drives your partner crazy?”

Dean smiles as he looks at Cas and searches his face. “The habit Cas has that drives me crazy is… hmm, what would you have said?” he wonders aloud, scratching his chin. They both know which habit drives Dean _really_ crazy: his habit of taking on too much and not letting other people help him. But Dean also knows Cas probably wouldn’t want to expose himself like that in front of strangers. “Cas’ worst habit is… hanging his damn coat on the back of the chair when the coat closet is three feet away. Drives me nuts!” Cas grins and reveals his answer, which matches Dean’s. They high-five each other. Most of the other couples get the answer right.

“Next one: What song best describes your wedding day?” Dean answers correctly:  _Thriller_. That was an easy one, since Dean assumed Cas would just go with the song they played and it was Halloween. Only one of the other couples answers correctly.

“Alright, here’s a fun one: What movie would you say describes your sex life?”  

Dean is baffled at that one. He eyes Cas carefully and his mind, of course, is blanking. “Uh, _Fast and the Furious_?” he answers, saying the first thing that comes to mind.  

“ _You’re_ fast,” Cas snarks, making Dean pout even as he and the audience laugh. He winks to let him know he was teasing him, then flips his card over.

“ _Dirty Harry_ ,” Dean reads. “What? Why?” Cas smirks and whispers in his ear, and Dean blushes from head to toe. The audience cheers and shouts, demanding to know what Cas tells him, but Cas simply shakes his head and smiles. No one else gets the question right, either, so the men feel a little better.

“Okay, switch it up!” the host says. Cas and the other partners walk off stage and it’s Dean’s turn to answer questions, guessing at what Cas might say. When Cas returns, Dean is sweating. Cas glances at him and shoots him a questioning look.

“Alright, here we go: What would your partner say is your biggest fear?”  

 _Wow, that’s a loaded question_ , Cas thinks as he looks at Dean. He sees the edge of anxiety in the tiny lick and press of his lips. He knows what he would answer if it was just the two of them — it is, Cas believes, turning out like his father — but he will never call Dean out like that in front of others. “Flying,” he answers easily. Dean grins as he turns his card and they slap hands. All of the couples get the question right.

“Next one: What’s your partner’s favorite place to make love?”  Dean side-eyes Cas and wiggles his eyebrows, rolling his eyes subtly to the sky and back to Cas.

“Outside,” Cas answers confidently, remembering their conversation about their room’s shower and Cas’ affinity for the outdoors, and Dean shouts, “Yes!” as he flips his card over. Dean ignores the laughter of the audience at his exuberant outburst and pulls Cas into a one-armed hug. Most of the couples answer this one correctly.

“Okay, final question: If you could describe your partner in one word, what would it be?”

Dean watches Cas as he thinks, wishing he could just blurt out the answer because it’s so obvious. Cas is his best friend, the man he married because he deserves to have everything he’s ever wanted because… because he _does_ , because of everything he is. Cas is caring, and fun, and patient, and kind, and smart, and devoted, and…. well, only one word even begins to capture it all. 

Cas regards his friend. How would he have answered? Soft green eyes hold his gaze, and he forgets that they’re not alone.

“Cas? Your answer?” the host prompts. Dean smiles at his friend, his husband, and suddenly, Cas knows.  

“Awesome,” Cas answers, smiling shyly as he glances at the card in Dean’s lap. Dean whoops with joy and turns his card around:   _Awesome_. He raises his hands in victory, grabbing one of Cas’ along the way.

“He says that about everything,” Cas jokes to the host. Dean frowns slightly at that, hating that Cas thinks he’s just lumped in with everything else in his life, but the host declares them the winners and gives them cash so he lets it go. For now.

They drink a bit more and fall into bed with their clothes on. In the morning, Dean finds himself alone. He stretches languorously, eventually rolling out of bed and drinking coffee from the coffeemaker in their room (it’s not great, but desperate times and all) while he waits for Cas, wherever he is. He thinks back to yesterday, which was just about perfect. Dean can’t remember feeling as good as he did when they were together doing the things Dean set up for them. He won’t admit it to anyone else (hell, he can barely admit it to himself), but he likes spoiling Cas. God knows the man won’t do it for himself, and Dean’s never had anyone to dote on outside of family. He’s never wanted to do this stuff for the women who’ve come in and out of his life. And as for guys… well, he just didn’t let them too close. Hanging out with Cas, though, has made him a little more willing to go back and revisit feelings he’s tried to bury.  It’s not like he’s wanted to have sex with guys or anything. But there’s something about taking a guy to dinner or a movie or staring at the stars or holding hands that’s… appealing, somehow. It’s confusing, and he doesn’t really get it, but now that he’s a grown-ass adult he figures maybe he’s willing to look at it a little more.

Cas breaks through his reverie as he strolls through the door, humming and carrying breakfast. He stops short at seeing Dean on the balcony, backlit by the sun. “I made plans for us today,” he says with a secretive grin.  

“You did?”

“Yes. Let’s eat. After that, you’re at my mercy.” He winks and sets the food down. Dean swallows against the shiver rippling through his core.

Cas has planned their entire day, and crosses his fingers in hopes that he’ll like it. Dean has been so sweet, planning out special things that seem almost romantic (probably because of his little crush, which these activities are _not_ helping him get over), and Cas wants to return the favor. Even though he isn’t planning to be the boys’ father, he has had to go through this entire stressful process (including dealing with Cas) and will be inconvenienced by having to live with him and the boys until the adoption is finalized, so this babymoon should be for him, too.  

After breakfast, they catch a ride to their chartered boat. It takes them out to Blue Hole Reef, which is supposed to have the best outer reef snorkeling in Bermuda. Their tour guides, Jeff and Samara, are happy, friendly people who make the trip an amazing experience. They see breathtaking reefs and fish, take a swim in the warm water, are regaled with hilarious stories, and help with the sail rigging on the trimaran, which seems to be one of Dean’s favorite things to do. His open, shining face is as breathtaking as the sights, and Cas feels honored that something he did put that look on his face. He deserves to be happy. His heart aches sometimes for his friend, knowing that life hasn’t always been easy for him and that, while he seems content, he’s never seen him really happy over a long period. He hopes that, someday, he’ll have someone or something in his life that makes him as happy as he looks now.

After a quick lunch, Cas takes Dean for another massage just for him, since he seemed to like it so much yesterday. This time, though, he adds an old-fashioned hot lather and shave, something to make him feel a little extra-special. Cas loves watching him bliss out as the warm towel is wrapped around his face, then again as he allows the spa technician to caress the sharp blade expertly over his stubble. She’s attractive and Cas wondered if that would add to his enjoyment, but he doesn’t seem to notice her. In fact, it looks like he fell asleep. When she finishes, she looks at Cas with amusement. “This happens often,” she chuckles. “I’ll let you wake him.” He tips her and she thanks him and leaves them be.  

Cas roves over Dean’s tender, clean-shaven face, the smells of aloe and coconut wafting from the soothing lotion she used on his skin. He hates to wake him, but they have more to do. “Hey,” he says, wiggling his shoulder with the tips of his fingers just enough to say he tried. When Dean doesn’t stir, Cas brings his face next to Dean’s, guiltily inhaling the scents of the lotion and Dean’s sun-warmed, freckled skin underneath. He resists the nearly overwhelming urge to stroke his cheek. “Dean,” he whispers in his ear. “Wake up.” Dean starts, and his face bumps Cas’ briefly before Cas pulls back to look in his eyes. “Time to go,” he says quietly, giving him time to return to full consciousness. Dean’s eyes seem to search his for a moment, and Cas quickly straightens up. “Come on,” he says, holding out his hand to help Dean out of the barber’s chair. Dean accepts his hand and stands, but doesn’t let go until they get back to the room to bathe and change, blaming it on drowsiness and champagne.  

“Alright, next up, more pastries!” Cas says with enthusiasm. Cas takes Dean to the Bermuda Botanical Gardens, where the concierge was able to get them a reservation at Homer’s Café for tea. They sit under a leafy pergola and indulge in rich pastries and finger sandwiches, including cucumber and lavender sandwiches that Dean likes so much Cas gives him his. After they’ve had their fill, they take a peek in the museum, then tour the gorgeous grounds, their senses swimming in the scents and colors of hibiscus, roses, and palms. As they walk, they see an interesting structure that makes them pause.

“What are these things?” Dean asks as they stare up at the open, round stone structure. They have one at their hotel as well. Cas frowns and shrugs.

“They’re moongates,” explains a dark-skinned woman with long, dark hair, holding the hand of a little girl who looks just like her. Cas wiggles his fingers at the little one in greeting. “They bring good luck if you walk through them.”

“Well, with the babies coming, we could use some good luck,” Dean grins. Cas can’t disagree with that, although if asked he’d say his good luck is standing next to him. Dean links their arms as if they’re walking to a wedding march, and Cas holds up his phone to record them as they walk through. She offers to take their picture, and they stand under the arch with their arms slung around each other like the close friends they are. She snaps the photo, then takes another as Dean surprises Cas by picking him up. “I’m carrying you over the threshold,” he jokes. Cas rolls his eyes as he puts him back on the ground.

“It’s better luck if you kiss under it,” she smiles broadly. “Go on, I’ll take another one.”

They eye each other briefly, both seemingly trying to decide which will be more awkward: kissing or refusing to and explaining themselves to this nice woman, who is glowing at the two men with the rings on their fingers. Dean lifts a shoulder casually and says, “Well, we’ll have twice the kids, we’ll need twice the luck, right?” before seeking Cas’ eyes for permission, then pressing his lips sweetly against his. It reminds Cas of their wedding, except there’s more lightness and hope and feeling to it. Probably because the babies will be here soon, Cas reasons.

To top off the day, Cas takes Dean to someplace that isn’t fancy but he thinks he’ll love: Frog & Onion Pub, in the Dockyard. It’s a traditional British-style pub, and it even has a brewing company on-site. They each get a Hefeweizen, and they _have_ to get the Soft German Pretzels, of course. For dinner, Cas opts for the Bermuda Fish Chowder (with rum in it!) and the rockfish while Dean tries the Brisket in a Yorkie. They share rum cake and fried brownies for dessert. Dean groans as he finishes his last bite.

“You’re gonna have to roll me outta here, Cas,” he moans. “I am stuffed.”

“Can’t... exert... effort.  Too... full…” he groans, “and way too much alcohol these last two days.” Cas rests his head on his arms.

“Lightweight,” Dean breathes as he slouches.  

“I can’t roll you out, but I can poke you with a stick,” he says, words muffled through his arms.

“Promises, promises,” Dean huffs teasingly. “Let’s get out of here. Maybe the waitstaff have a wheelbarrow.”

The men make it back to the hotel just in time to collapse on their bed, once again fully clothed. “I’m getting too old for this shit,” Cas mutters with a smile before falling asleep.

Monday is a light, easygoing day, with no grand romantic anything. They eat breakfast and spend the morning at the pool, taking turns posing in crazy ways as they jump into the refreshing water. They check out officially at 11:00, then have lunch at the on-site restaurant. The hotel holds their bags while they spend the afternoon at the beach.

“I always wanted to see pink sand,” Dean comments as it falls between his fingers.  

“Mmm, me too. I’d like to see the black sand in Hawaii, too.”

“Black sand? Cool.”

“Maybe someday,” Cas says, looking into the distance. “I bet the boys would love it when they’re older.”

“Maybe you can go with your new husband and the kids someday. Like a familymoon or something. Or just you and the hubby for your honeymoon.”

Cas chuckles darkly. “I think the only vacation I’ll be taking without the kids is a singlemoon, Dean.”

“Nah. You’re gonna have some lucky guy who’s totally not worthy of you sweep you off your feet and do all the romantic shit you deserve.”

“Yes, well, he’d have to beat the babymoon my first husband took me on,” Cas jokes, then looks nervously at the embroidery on his beach towel so that he doesn’t see Dean’s likely horrified reaction to Cas’ implication that this has been a romantic getaway. Which it has not been, of course. “Sorry,” he manages to say. “I wasn’t trying to imply that this trip involved any ‘romantic shit.’”

Dean huffs a chuckle through his nose. “It kinda has. I mean, it wasn’t meant to be, you know, like, I mean that wasn’t my intention, just… I kinda like romantic shit, I guess.” Now he hides his own face at his admission, embarrassment creeping under his skin.

“I kinda do, too,” Cas admits in return, to Dean’s great relief. “It’s nice. It makes me feel cared for, even if there’s no underlying intention beyond it.”

“Me too.” Dean peeks at Cas, who’s peeking at him, and they both smile. “Like, everything you planned yesterday? That was cool. Made me feel special and shit, like you’ve been paying attention to what I like and stuff.”

“Well, you are special and shit,” Cas smiles, punching him lightly on the arm to take the edge off the sentimentality of his words. “I feel badly that you don’t have someone special in your life to focus these kinds of gestures on. I’m sure some lucky woman who’s totally not worthy of you would love to be swept off her feet.” He winks at Dean when the dirty blond side-eyes him.  

“Ain’t gonna happen,” Dean says without hesitation, smiling sadly. Cas studies him for a moment, then, feeling bold, takes his hand in a gesture of comfort.

“Because you don’t want it to or because you don’t believe you deserve it?” he asks softly.

Dean breathes deeply, trying to put words to the thoughts he avoids, but nothing comes.  

“It’s okay,” Cas assures him. “You can join me on my singlemoon.” Dean laughs, and the heavy topic is dropped for now. They spend the rest of the day relaxing, playing in the water like children and forgetting their very adult conversation.  

On the flight back from Bermuda, Dean says, “Hey Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“Me too, you know. About us being happily married. I’m, uh… heh. So far, so good, huh?”

Cas squeezes the hand that’s still resting on his arm from the ascent. “Yes. So far, so good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, I loved writing this chapter! A little fluffy sweetness for our boys.


	13. Chapter 13

The babymoon served its purpose and then some. Even though he’s still nervous, Cas is more relaxed, excited for the babies to make their arrival. As June nears its end, he keeps busy working on his research and tying up loose ends before his paternity leave and sabbatical begin. One of those loose ends is his speaking engagement in San Francisco, a meeting of technological gurus and futurists. He’s been booked for this engagement for a year, and as much as he doesn’t want to go, he’s committed.

“It’ll be fine, Cas,” Dean assures him. “Go. Be brilliant. When you come back, you’ll be that much closer to being a dad, right?”

“Right,” Cas smiles.  

Dean is pleased that he seems to be able to reassure Cas. Though Dean hadn’t thought it was possible, the babymoon not only helped Cas loosen up, it helped them grow closer, too. He notices that both of them go out of their way to do nice things for each other, and they both enjoy them without being weird about it. He thinks about the surprise he packed in his suitcase — Cas’ favorite toiletries, poured meticulously into the 3 ounce containers Dean bought because Cas hates the stuff at most of the hotels but can’t be bothered to pack his own.  

“Alright, get out of here.” Dean pulls Cas in for a hug before pushing him toward the doors to the JetBlue terminal. “Don’t worry about things here. I’ll check on Claire religiously, okay? Good luck. Get home safely.”

“Will do,” Cas says, offering a salute before he disappears.

The flight is uneventful and later that day Cas checks in on Skype with Dean and Claire, who are eating German food without him. He pretends to be put out by it, pouting exaggeratedly and making his eyes extra wide and pathetic-looking.

“Hey, I’m just exposing your children to the fine cuisine I know you’d want them to experience,” Claire teases as she takes a large bite of sauerbraten.

“And I’m here to make sure the kids get a wide variety, even if Claire is a big _chicken_ about eating some of it,” Dean pipes up, eyeing Claire disdainfully.

Cas shakes his head affectionately. “You’re feeling well, Claire?”

“The usual. Tired, but that's par for the course. Braxton-Hicks all day, but again, nothing more than usual.” She takes a sip of her water. “We went out for a bit.” She starts laughing and Dean scowls at her.

“What?” Cas asks with a questioning grin. He senses a story.

“We were at the mall in the… I know, doofus, I wasn’t going to tell him,” she pauses when Dean nudges her, then continues, “Anyway, we were in a store and this woman asked if I was his daughter and if he’s excited to be a grandfather!” She throws her head back and cackles.

Cas chuckles and gives Dean a sympathetic look. “I’d rather be mistaken for that than for the creepy older guy who knocked her up, which is usually what I get,” Cas comments.

“Ugh, gotten that one plenty too,” Dean says, shaking his head. “You can stop laughing now,” he says to Claire.

She does and takes a bite of soft pretzel. “Anyway, we’re good. Dean’s been great. But he misses you already,” she shares with a wide smirk.

“I do not. Get out of here. Go finish your sauerbraten.”

“You’ve been moping,” she says with a pout. Cas laughs at their banter.

“Have fun, you two,” Cas says. “Read the boys an extra book for me.” He hates missing out on reading to his sons, but he has a VIP dinner to attend around the time they usually read to the boys through Claire’s belly.

“Will do,” Dean replies, copying Cas’ salute from earlier.  

“Say good night,” she says, pointing to her belly.

“Good night, boys. I love you,” Cas says softly.

“Good night, Dad!” Dean says in a cartoonish voice, answering for the babies.

Cas laughs, as he always does. “Night, Winchester. I kinda miss you, too.”

“Yeah, yeah. Miss ya. All’s good here, alright? See you in a few days.”

“See you in a few days,” Cas echoes.  

He should’ve known better than to think that everything would go smoothly.

The dinner goes well; he talks with a couple of people about some concepts he wants to write about in the book he’ll be writing during his sabbatical. He gets a good night’s sleep. His coffee is perfect. And his speech to the country’s foremost tech experts and innovative thinkers (“the gurus and the frou-frous,” Dean calls them) is going splendidly. Or it was.

“And so I think we need to talk about whether it’s okay that Google Maps knows exactly where I am and what I’m likely to do next at any given time, even if I don’t remember giving it permission to do so,” Cas says to the crowd. “It sort of feels like an ex-lover who remembers that I like to go to Starbucks on Friday afternoons and ‘happens’ to show up. I don’t really want to start hiding from my maps app,” he jokes. “Let me show you something.” He turns on the screen he’d set up before coming onstage. It’s his phone, in real time. “Now,” he addresses the audience without looking at it, “as you can see, the Maps app helpfully let me know…” He turns to the screen and freezes. He’s missed six calls and received five text messages in the span of three minutes from Dean.

_Dean 3m ago: Dude Claire’s in labor. Real labor. The babies are coming. I am freaking the fuck out right now._

_Dean 3m ago:  Doc says it’ll be a while but you need to get your ass on the next flight home so you don’t miss it._

_Dean 2m ago:  Answer your phone for fuck’s sake_

_Dean 2m ago:  Do not leave me alone to do this! I’m seriously freaked out here._

_Dean 1m ago:  Sorry you’re prob at your talk thing. I forgot. Call me ASAP. Freaking out. Sorry._

Cas stares at the messages as his stomach drops. He’s going to miss out.

“Um, the wonderful thing about technology is the speed at which one’s husband can text him and totally throw off his speech,” Cas jokes breathily. “I, uh, I’m just going to shoot him a quick text, then I’m going to finish this talk, and then I’m going to head back home and become a dad.” He smiles nervously and shrugs at the audience, and they break into applause.

Dean finally gets Cas’ text. It only took him a few minutes to respond, but it felt like the longest few minutes of his life.

_Cas 12:24pm:  In the middle of my speech, sorry. I will catch the first flight home. Be there as soon as possible. Promise. I’m so sorry I’m not there, but I know you’ll be fine. I’m freaking out too, if it makes you feel better._

He reads the message and does feel a little better.

“Dean, can you hand me my phone? I’m getting bored,” Claire gripes from the bed. She’s only a centimeter dilated, but they wanted to keep her due to the higher risk of complications with a multiples pregnancy. Dean rolls his eyes and hands it to her. “I saw that,” she says with narrowed eyes. “I’m telling your husband when he gets here.” He gives her the finger and she laughs. Naomi, present right from the beginning, smiles softly from her seat in the corner.

Four hours later, Claire’s not laughing.

“Hang in there, Claire, you’re doing great,” Dean encourages her. The fetal heart monitors beep steadily and Dean watches them intently.

“Just a few more seconds for this one. I already see the contraction ending, sweetie,” Cas’ mother coaches her.

“Cas better get here soon,” Claire says.

“It’ll be a while,” Laurel says. “Probably not for another three hours.”

“Will he have enough time?”

“I think so,” the nurse, Cecelia, answers. “I think you’ll be working at this for a little bit. He should get here in time.”

“He’ll be here, though, right? He’ll be here?” she asks Dean with wide eyes. He wraps an arm around her in reassurance. He knows the two have grown close.

“Yes, I think he will,” Dean’s mother says from her spot next to her son.

“Okay. Okay,” she says, trying to comfort herself.  

Claire looks frightened and stressed, so Dean decides to distract her. He grabs her phone and waves it in front of her face. “Wanna listen to some real music, or you wanna listen to your techno crap?” She smiles wickedly. “Ugh, fine,” he says with fondness as he pulls up her birthing playlist on her phone and plays Skrillex for the umpteenth time.

Cas jiggles his leg rapidly as the plane lands. He impatiently waits for the announcement that they’ll be deplaning.  

“Your attention, please,” the pilot announces as the engines slow to a stop. A flight attendant stands by his seat. “We’ve been informed that we have a passenger who is about to become a father, so we ask that he be allowed to deplane first so he can get to the hospital as quickly as possible. Thank you and congratulations, sir.” The passengers break into applause (he’s gotten a lot of that today) as the seat belt sign turns off and he springs up like a jack-in-the-box. He thanks his fellow passengers when they graciously let him pass, and he sprints down the gangway and into the terminal, finding Gabe waiting for him. They hustle to the car and speed through the airport as quickly as they can manage, only to hit more traffic.

“Come on, move your asses! Ugh!” Cas yells at the traffic once they’re on the road.

“It’s okay, Cas. I just checked in and she’s still a little ways off.”

“Alright. Okay,” he says, mostly to himself. He holds his head in his hands and tries to catch his breath.

“Sam’s bringing food to the hospital. You need to eat before you get in there.”

“I don’t want…”

“Not an option. You need to eat. It could be a while, and you won’t want to leave once you get in there. We aren’t gonna have you pass out before the big event. Sam’s gonna make Dean come out to eat, too.”

Sam meets Gabe and Cas in the waiting room with pizza and bottles of water. Dean comes out, hearing that Cas has arrived, and together they scarf down slices of hot pizza, scalding their mouths and not caring as Dean fills Cas in. They trade places with Laurel and Mary so they can eat, and Cas embraces Claire as soon as she turns her tired face his way. They take the opportunity to move Claire and the rest of her team to an operating room, since they’ll need the space for all of the people who will eventually be in the room.

The labor progresses steadily until it looks like it’s going to stall out around 10:30. Cas and Cecelia help Claire use a birthing ball and Dean teaches her a couple of relaxation exercises he uses with his students. The labor seems to pick up after that, and she is often left breathless. Dean massages her back as Claire drapes herself over Cas while her contractions get closer and closer, until it seems that there’s very little to no breaks in between. Cas and Dean rub her back and her hair when she cries. “I miss my parents,” she whimpers once into Cas’ neck. Cas and Claire have talked about the pain of losing a parent, and Cas understands that this experience must bring all of those feelings to the surface for her. It does for him, too. He whispers caring assurances of her parents’ love and pride to her and cradles her head against his shoulder, offering what comfort he can and knowing it can never be enough.

After laboring on the ball for a while, Claire yells, “I need to push, fuck!” Cecelia leaves the room to get Dr. Cormier and the team of doctors and nurses who will assist in the births. When her contraction ends, the men and Naomi quickly move her onto a bed at her request. Laurel and Mary come back in along with Dr. Cormier and the rest of the team. She does a quick examination. Satisfied, she pats Claire’s knee and reassures her she’s doing well.  

As the next contraction appears on the screen, Dr. Cormier says, “Okay, Claire, I’m gonna need you to give me a nice push, okay? That pressure you feel is gonna help you push. You got this, Claire, here we go!” Claire bears down and moans, Cas and Dean on either side of her holding her hands and Mary and Laurel next to their sons, soothing her and them. Claire continues this way through several pushes, getting more and more fatigued.

“Claire, I can see the head. Feel the head, okay?” Dr. Cormier says, taking her hand and bringing it between her legs to feel the downy hair of one of the babies. “You’re so close, keep going, you’re doing great!”

“Okay, okay,” she quivers. “Guys, you feel the head too, okay? Check on him.”

Cas goes immediately, not looking but allowing Dr. Cormier to guide his hand to the baby’s head. He feels the warm, wet skin and hair under his fingers and his face lights up in awe. Dean looks nervous. “Uh, Claire, I don’t wanna accidentally touch, you know…”

“Oh shut up, Dean! Don’t be a wuss!”

Looking at Cas gives him the confidence he needs, and the doctor takes his hand and guides him to the baby’s head. “Whoa,” he breathes.

“You are so close, Claire, give me another one!” Dr. Cormier coaches her. Claire bears down and the doctor announces that the head is out, and after another couple of pushes, the first baby is in the doctor’s hands. She immediately pulls the baby up and clears his passages until he cries a shrill wail.

“Let’s get the cord cut, okay, dads?” the doctor says as she clamps the umbilical cord for the separation. She gives the scissors to Dean, who’s on her right, but he shakes his head.

“Don’t be squeamish; you only get one chance to do this. Well, two,” she teases.  

Cas comes around to Dean’s side and takes the scissors, then places Dean’s hand on top of his. “Together, like everything we’ve done so far, okay?” he urges softly. Dean catches his eyes and nods, and they snip the cord. The nurse does a quick wipedown of the baby, evaluates him on the Apgar scale, then diapers him and, as per Claire’s request in the birthing plan, places the boy in Cas’ arms.

“Oh my God. Oh my God,” Cas whispers, gazing with love at his child. “Hey, sweetheart. Hey, love. Aw, it’s a big world, huh? It’s okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. Always. I love you.” He holds the baby snugly against his chest, close to his heart, and plants gentle kisses on his forehead as he continues to squeal.  

“God, he’s beautiful, Cas,” Dean murmurs, close to Cas’ ear. Cas turns and leans into Dean’s chest, the baby wedged between them. Dean holds Cas with one arm while he caresses the baby’s cheek with his free hand. “Hey, you. We’ve been waiting for you,” he says as the child quiets and looks around with blue, watery eyes, slightly goopy from the eye ointment.  

“Would you like to hold him, Dean?” Cas asks softly so only the two of them hear.

Dean licks his lips and furrows his brows. He wants to hold him, badly, but this is Cas’ child and he doesn’t want him to feel like he _has_ to give Dean the opportunity, especially when he just got him and he’s waited so long. He searches Cas’ face. “Um...” he starts, his voice shaky. Cas smiles and lays the boy in Dean’s arms. He hadn’t realized he’d held them out. “Thanks, Cas,” he manages, looking down at the tiny bundle in his arms. His throat feels tight and hot.

“Okay, Claire, push again,” Dr. Cormier says, bringing the men’s attention back to the woman birthing next to them. “Next baby’s following right now, feel him. Here you go, he’s right here,” she says, bringing Claire’s hand once again to the small head of hair. Cas and Dean follow suit more quickly this time. “Here he comes, you’re doing so great!” The men and their mothers call out encouragement as she gives a final push. “And here he is!” Dr. Cormier announces, to the cheers of everyone in the room. She repeats the process she used with the first baby, and the men cut the cord. The screaming infant is cleaned, evaluated, and placed in Cas’ arms.

“Oh, look at you, my precious babe,” he whispers, just as reverent and awed as he was with his first son. “So loud, huh? Yes, you let the world know you’re here. It’s okay, my love. You’re here and you’re safe. Always safe with me. I love you, my babe.” He peppers kisses on the boy’s head.

Dean approaches them and caresses the cheek of the baby in Cas’ arms. “Hey, beautiful boy. You got lungs, kid,” he grins. “See? Told you, Cas. Robert Plant.”

“We’re not naming a child after Robert Plant,” Cas replies, smiling at Dean.  

After a few minutes, Cas and Dean switch babies while Claire finishes the birthing process. An aide snaps a few photos of the glowing couple, the babies tucked between them. Two nurses then take both the babies for a couple of tests and promise to return shortly. Cas turns to Claire, who looks exhausted. He steps to her bedside, Dean right behind him, and takes her hand. Mary and Laurel step back to give them space while Naomi watches from the side. “Claire,” he says as tears well in his eyes.

“I know, Cas,” she smiles tiredly. She squeezes his hand. “You guys go be with the babies, okay? I, uh… they need their dads. I’m gonna get some rest. I’ll see them tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. My grandpa’s probably here, and my aunt’s flying in, so I’ll have company. I’m gonna sleep anyway. And I just… just need time and space.”

Fear clenches Cas’ heart, but he knows this must be incredibly difficult for her. “Okay. We’ll check in on you tomorrow.” They each give her a kiss on the forehead and let themselves out, Mary and Laurel following behind after they hug Claire. Naomi stays behind and they see her go to Claire’s bedside and take her hand as they leave.

There are several people gathered in the waiting room when Cas and Dean round the corner, and all of them look at the men with expectant eyes.  

“We have two healthy baby boys,” Cas announces with a wide smile. Cheers erupt from Sam, Gabe, Hannah, Ellen, Bobby, Jo, and Balthazar, and hugs and kisses are traded back and forth. Claire’s grandfather, an older gentleman they’ve only met once, congratulates them and heads down to see his granddaughter. They chat with the others for a few minutes and show them the pictures the aide took, then they’re called back to do the first feeding. The others sit back down and wait, giving Cas and Dean some privacy.  

A nurse shows them to their room and demonstrates how to get the boys started, then lets them be. Dean holds the second baby while Cas feeds the first. He snaps a few photos and watches him softly as Cas savors one of the first of many firsts.

“So, are you gonna call them ‘First’ and ‘Second’ all their lives, or what?” Dean asks, only half-joking. They’ve discussed names, but Cas has kept his thoughts to himself, and Dean has no idea what he has chosen.

“Mmm, no, I don’t think that would be in their best interests,” he smiles, giving the baby in his arms a break from the bottle and leaning him against his shoulder to burp. “Now that I’ve seen them, I have their names chosen.”

“Yeah? What are they?” Dean asks as the baby in his arms begins to screech.

“Well, they’re not Robert Plant and Jimmy Page,” Cas teases. “But Claire’s dad was Jimmy, too, so this will be James, after her dad. We’ll call him Jamie.” He touches Jamie’s face tenderly. “What do you think? You like it, hmm?” Jamie looks at him through slotted eyes. Cas stands to switch babies with Dean, and Dean takes the sleepy Jamie in his arms. “And this screechy guy,” Cas says affectionately as he places the bottle at the baby’s lips, “he’ll be Robert. Not after Plant, but after Singer. We’ll call him Rob, or Robbie while he’s little.” Cas smiles at little Robert, who is sucking greedily at the bottle between his lips. Dean stares at Cas, but Cas doesn’t meet his eyes just yet. “I wanted to name the boys after the fathers whose love made their children into the amazing people they are today, the people who made it possible for me to become a father. Bobby isn’t your father, but he has been like a father to you. He’s a good man, and he’s helped shape you into the good person you are today, just like Claire’s father did for her.” He looks up at Dean then, whose eyes are misting over. “And I want both of their middle names to be Winchester.”

They had talked about this, too, and agreed that Milton would be the boys’ last name, both for their own ease and because they would ultimately be Cas’ children. Cas had offered to hyphenate, but Dean insisted. He didn’t want the boys to get stuck with his last name, a name he didn’t associate with much good. Hell, his mother went back to Campbell after the divorce, and even Sam is Winchester-Leahy. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Cas,” he says quietly.

“I know it is,” Cas retorts, his voice strong and certain. “I don’t think of your father when I think of the name Winchester. I think of you, and your brother, too. You and your brother have brought honor to the name Winchester. I’m proud to name my children after you.”

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean says, swiping at his eyes. “I mean fudge, sorry, guys,” he apologizes to the sleeping infants. He stands and nestles the snoozing Jamie into Cas’ free arm, then walks into the bathroom and braces himself against the sink. It’s all too much. He takes a few deep breaths and rinses his face before he returns to Cas and the kids.  

“Are you sure about this?” he asks, searching Cas’ face. He only finds sincerity and affection.

“Yes, I am,” he says. “Now let’s make some introductions, hmm?”

Dean steps out to get everyone in the waiting room. As he goes, Cas cuddles his children, feeling nothing but overwhelming love. When they’re all gathered in their room, Dean helps Cas stand and Cas announces, “Everyone, meet James Winchester Milton and Robert Winchester Milton.” Cries of surprise and joy fly into the air. Mary and Laurel scramble to be the first to hold the little ones. When Bobby and Ellen’s turn comes, Dean explains Robbie’s name, and they both have to wipe away a tear. Balthazar appoints himself the photographer and takes tons of pictures with everyone’s phones, as well as with an expensive-looking camera he brought. Aunt Hannah and Uncle Gabe both squeal with delight at holding the tiny ones, remembering when their own were that young. Sam and Jo debate which of them will spoil the boys more, and Balthazar claims it will be him as he holds both at once. Hannah and Gabe get into the debate, too. The rest of the gang chimes in, each of them detailing how they will be the one to spoil the kids the most. Cas stands back, taking a few pictures but mostly just taking in the moment. Dean slides up beside him, and they silently watch together, each lost in their thoughts.

“Thank you, Cas,” Dean murmurs, dragging him into a tired but happy hug. He doesn’t bother to explain what he means.

“Thank you, Dean. You’ve made my dreams come true,” Cas whispers just for Dean to hear.

Balthazar (and everyone else) takes more photos of the two men holding the babies, both together and apart. Soon, the babies need another feeding, and everyone heads out to let the husbands and the babies rest for the night. Dean holds Jamie while Cas feeds Robbie, then they switch. When they’re both done feeding, Cas takes both of his sons and Dean snaps a couple of pictures, then gets them both water. They sit in silence for a little while, exhausted but happy.

“Dean,” Cas says eventually.

“Hmm?” He turns to Cas, who’s gazing at his sleeping children.

“This… feeling. I never thought it would be like this. You hear sometimes… I mean, my siblings would say things, my mother, but… Dean, I would die for them. I would kill for them. I would do anything, anything I needed to do to keep them healthy and safe. I just… I’m so in love with them.” He looks up at Dean. “I love them so damn much. I already can’t imagine my life without them.”

Dean lays a warm, reassuring hand on his arm, sticking one finger out to rub the hair on Robbie’s head. “I know, Cas. It’s gonna be okay.”

“What if she…”

“It’ll be okay, Cas. She won’t change her mind.”

Cas swallows. “But what if her grandfather…”

“He won’t.”

“Or the biological father…”

“He won’t. These kids are yours, Cas. I believe that with all my heart. I’m not one to believe in fate or destiny or whatever, but if I did, it would be because of this. You are their father. Period.”

Cas sighs and gives each of them a kiss before placing them in their bassinets, then leans down and gives Dean a hug. “Thank you. I’m going to clean up and try to rest. They’ll be up again in a little while for a feeding.” He pads to the bathroom and closes it gently behind him.

In the dim light, Dean watches the babies sleep, and surges of possessiveness and protectiveness sweep through him. He wants to pick them up, to snuggle them close and keep them safe from anyone or anything that could threaten them. But they’re not his, not really. Still, he gives them each a kiss and promises them what he promised Claire when he told her about their situation: that no matter what, he will always be there for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favorite chapters to write. I actually teared up when Cas spoke to his babies for the first time. <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the early days of parenting... :)

The boys are considered full-term even though they were born on June 29, as they were quite robust and twins tend to come early anyway. Still, Cas and Dean are pleasantly surprised when they’re told the boys will be able to go home after just a few days. Claire spends a lot of time with them before she leaves, saying her goodbyes but knowing they won’t be final. They opt for a completely open adoption, in which Claire will receive updates and can visit anytime she wants. The men assure her that she is an important part of not just the babies’ lives, but their lives and the lives of their extended families. Naomi comments that it is unusual for the placing mother and adoptive parents to become as close as they have, but she doesn’t intervene as it seems that it is not causing Claire harm. Nonetheless, Claire decides to take some time away at her aunt’s home in the Hilton Head area. She promises to get back in touch as soon as she feels ready, and she kisses the babies and their fathers before she signs the papers to relinquish her parental rights. Neither Cas nor Dean expect the bittersweet feelings that come.  

Those feelings are soon eclipsed by the pure joy and busyness of having two new babies who need constant care. The days at the hospital are filled with bottles, diapers, sleepless nights, and a steady stream of visitors. True to his word, Dean lets his colleagues know when the boys arrive, and several of them come to visit. Cas’ colleagues also come by. And of course, their families and friends — the boys’ grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, their “Uncle” Balth, and their “Auntie” Charlie, just back from the same conference Cas left — are frequent, enthusiastic guests who shower love on the babies and give Cas and Dean some attention, too. When they take the babies home in their new “I love Daddy” onesies Dean bought them when he went shopping with Claire, they find that the house is fully decorated and they have a month’s worth of meals in their chest freezer in the basement.  

The first couple of weeks at home are a blur. Cas asked for privacy at home, at least until he gets used to the boys’ schedules (or lack thereof), and everyone has respected his wishes. Dean watches as Cas works himself to the bone. He offers help, but Cas blows him off, saying, “I’m going to have to learn how to do this on my own, Dean. Might as well start now.” He’s not stingy with letting Dean cuddle or spend time with the babies, letting him do so to his heart’s content. But Dean has to practically beg Cas to feed them or change their diapers (he never thought he’d beg to do _that_ ), only being allowed by making it some sort of game or competition between them or pretending that he “just didn’t think about it” before he did it. When, by some miracle, both the babies are sleeping at the same time, Cas does their laundry or washes their bottles (two more things Cas won’t let Dean do) or does other chores around the house. They both take the boys visiting some family member or friend every day, which is great, but he insists on taking them to do his personal errands — banking, picking up takeout, even his dentist appointment — by himself, not wanting to “impose” on Dean. Although most people would be more than happy to do only the “fun stuff,” Dean feels a little left out, though he has no right to. He also misses his best friend which, again, is kind of selfish. More than that, though, he’s worried about Cas wearing himself out. Parenting, as he understands it, is more of a marathon than a sprint, and Cas just keeps sprinting. He wonders if Cas is trying to prove something to himself, or if he’s trying to prove it to everyone else. What he’s proven to Dean, at least, is that Cas is a fantastic dad, but that he’s going to burn himself into the ground if he tries to keep up the pace he’s setting.

Dean’s proven right just before the boys’ three-week birthday.

One of the babies is crying (it sounds like Robbie), and he hears Cas shuffle down the hall to the boys’ room. He hears Cas shushing him soothingly and imagines he’s picking him up and rocking him gently, as he’s often seen him do. Robbie can be difficult to soothe sometimes, and the gentle action helps but doesn’t always solve whatever’s eating at him. Cas passes down the hall, screaming baby in hand, and Dean hears him traipse down the stairs, likely to get a bottle. The screaming continues for some time, and eventually Jamie joins in the fun. Dean hears Cas shuffle back up the stairs to get Jamie, still carrying Robbie (who’s yelling his head off), then head back downstairs. The crying goes on for some time, longer than usual. Dean lays there for a while, twisting the bedsheet in his hands, then mutters “fuck it” and gets up. He’s tried to respect Cas’ desire to do this himself, but enough is enough. He needs help and he’s being too damn stubborn for his own good. He doesn’t bother with extra clothes, instead taking the stairs two at a time in bare feet and boxers.

“Aww, Cas,” he says as he enters the kitchen and sees him sobbing silently on the floor, sitting against the wall with a baby in each arm, both red-faced and wailing as he tries to comfort them even through his tears. Cas turns his face up to Dean resignedly.

“They hate me, Dean,” he rasps. “They hate me.”

“They don’t hate you,” Dean tries to assure him, though Cas won’t be reassured.

“What kind of parent am I? I can’t calm them down. They’re fine for everyone else, but they get me and they cry.”

“Cas…”

“Maybe I should give them back,” he says with hitching breaths. “Maybe we were wrong, maybe I’m not meant to be a father, maybe they’d be better off with someone they like better, someone who’s competent, two parents, I don’t know…”

“You don’t mean that, Cas. You would be miserable without them.”

“I _know_!” he wails through a fresh stream of anguished tears even as he kisses them gently in reassurance as they cry. “Of course I would! But it can’t be about me, it has to be about _them_ , and what they need, and who will take care of them better and make them happy and give them the best life they can possibly have because they _deserve_ that, they deserve _everything_ and I…”

“Cas, shh, shh,” Dean hushes his husband, who’s sniveling so hard he’s becoming difficult to understand. He wipes the tears from his face with his hands, then takes each of the crying babies in turn. He checks them over quickly, certain that Cas has already done so, and puts them in their swings before turning back to him and wiping fresh tears off his cheeks. Cas starts to fight him as Dean tries to hold him in place.

“Dean, I need…”

“No, you don’t.”

“They’re crying!”

“I know, but so are you, and you won’t be any good to them like this.”

“But I have to…”

Dean sits on Cas’ legs and takes his face in his hands. “Listen to me,” he commands. “It’s you I’m worried about right now. They’re safe. They’ll be okay for a minute. I need you to take a few deep breaths with me, okay?” Cas tries to follow Dean’s breathing pattern, his breath tripping over the emotion still lodged firmly in his chest. “Alright,” Dean says when it looks like Cas isn’t on the edge of a breakdown. “Now, they’ve already calmed down a little, okay? I’m gonna take Robbie and get you some water, and you’re gonna take Jamie and drink the water, and then _both of us_ are gonna try to figure out what’s up with the munchkins. Okay?” Cas nods, and that’s good enough for Dean. He stands and takes Robbie out of the seat, talking to him in a high, animated voice, and gets a glass of water for Cas. Meanwhile, Cas takes Jamie out of his swing and holds him close, as if protecting him from someone trying to snatch him. Jamie is a bit more even-tempered than Robbie, so he is already calming down and gazing at Cas with wide, watery eyes when Dean returns to Cas’ side and gives him the water. Dean chatters nonstop to Robbie and rocks him in large, swooping motions until he stops crying and stares at him. When it seems the worst is over, the two men move to the living room with the infants and sit next to each other, each holding a baby on his lap. Dean feels Cas relax next to him. He gingerly brings a hand around and rubs his back; when Cas leans into the comfort, Dean increases the pressure a little, then kneads at his neck.  

“You’re breaking our wedding vows,” Dean says into the quiet of the night.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re not allowing me to support you.”  

Cas sighs, a long, deep kind of release that’s heavy with both stress and relief. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Dean asks, unable to keep the sadness from his voice. Cas shrinks into himself.

“It’s not you. I just… you’ve already done so much, and you don’t want to be a father. I need to know that I can handle this on my own.”

“Nobody does it on their own, Cas. And I don’t have to be their father to want to help. Everyone wants to help, man. You’ve gotta let us.” He pulls Cas closer and squeezes his shoulders. “Think of all the best parents you know. Haven’t they all had help? Haven’t they all had someone to watch the kids while they take a nap or go out for dinner, or haven’t they all had someone to do their dishes or sweep the floor once in a while? You’re not Superman. That whole ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ thing exists for a reason.”

“I know,” Cas says, swallowing his guilt and pride before he whispers with shame, “I don’t want to give them back. It would kill me. I just love them _so much_. I want them to have the very best they can have.”

“I know,” Dean reassures him. “I’d totally kick your ass if you tried to give them back.” They share a small laugh before he continues, “You _are_ the very best for them, Cas. We are, this whole crazy bunch of family and friends. You’re just exhausted and overwhelmed, man. Parenthood can do that to ya. So tonight, if they wake up again, I’ll get them and you stay put.”

“Dean…”

“Stay put. Tomorrow, we’re gonna come up with a plan for you to have more support. No arguing.”

Cas nods. “Okay,” he agrees with a tiny smile.  

Later, Cas wakes to the sound of pans banging and Dean talking. He looks at the clock and realizes he slept for nearly six hours in a row. It’s not close to enough to make up for all of his lost sleep, but it still feels incredible. He steps quietly down the stairs just enough to peek at Dean, who’s standing in the kitchen giving a cooking lesson to the kids.

“Alright, guys, so here’s all you need to know about bacon. One, it’s awesome. Two, never cook it in the microwave. It sucks. Three, chewy bacon is the best bacon, no matter what lies your father tries to tell you.” Cas snickers to himself. Their “crispy vs. chewy” debate has gone on for as long as they’ve lived together — almost nine months now. He smiles and trots back upstairs to take his first shower since the kids came home from the hospital (he was too afraid he wouldn’t hear them so he’s been taking baths instead, which he really only likes for relaxing). He makes it quick, hoping that there will be some crispy bacon for him. He’s not disappointed.

He walks into the kitchen and immediately throws himself at Dean, embracing him tightly. “Best husband ever,” he says into his t-shirt. “I’d kiss you if I could.” He opts for an extra-tight squeeze before letting go and turning to the kids, missing the flash of bewilderment in Dean’s eyes. “So were they okay?” he asks, smiling and kissing his children.

Dean shakes himself back into the present. “Yeah, great. They woke up around 4:30, I gave ‘em each four ounces and they conked out until just a little while ago. They don’t seem hungry yet so I figured we’d eat and then see what they wanna do.”

“Sounds good,” Cas smiles, transferring each of the babies from their infant seats to their swings so they can try to eat breakfast. Dean sets down eggs, bacon and toast for each of them, along with juice. Cas groans at his first bite of greasy, crispy bacon and buttery eggs. “Ugh, this is awesome,” he praises the man across from him. “How did you find the time to make this while taking care of the boys? I can’t even make coffee without getting interrupted.”

“Truthfully, I think I just got lucky,” Dean says. “Plus I think they like it when you hold them, so they’re always clamoring for it.”

“I’ve been told I’m an excellent cuddler,” he jokes, not meaning anything by it but making Dean blush anyway. Cas doesn’t notice, instead focusing on shoveling his food in as fast as possible. “I love eating food while it’s still hot.”

“Eileen and Sam complained about that all the time,” Dean laughs.

“I completely understand.”

“Yeah, I bet. Hey, you took a shower,” he notes as he takes a bite of toast.

“Yeah. It felt great. You notice that sort of thing?”

Dean squirms a little in his seat and covers it up by reaching for the salt. “I guess,” he shrugs, not really knowing why he noticed at all. Then it hits him. “I smelled that coconut shampoo you bought in Bermuda.”

“Oh yeah,” Cas says, running a hand through his damp hair. “When I’ve taken a bath I’ve used the kids’ shampoo.” He laughs at himself and Dean grins brightly at him, shaking his head.

“Okay, that’s gotta stop. A man shouldn’t be using baby shampoo, for chrissakes. So, that’s part of our plan.”

“What plan?” Cas frowns.

“Our plan to get you some help so you can be you again,” he explains. “Tonight, we’re having everyone over and we’re gonna figure out how we can help.”

Cas stiffens at the idea of having so many people over when he’s still trying to establish a routine, but Dean notices and places a hand on his forearm. “I’ll take care of everything,” he says. “Everyone’s bringing food, and everyone’s been dying to come over. It’ll be fine.”

Cas glances at the boys, who are starting to smack their lips, gearing up to eat. “I don’t know…”

“I’ll make burrrrgerrrs,” Dean sing-songs, and Cas relents. It’s Dean’s home too, after all. And he can’t deny that he misses the big family atmosphere he’s used to. Plus he’s kind of cute when he flutters his lashes like that.

Throughout the day, Cas lets Dean help him with the babies, including the inevitable and frequent feedings and diaper changes. Dean seems to delight in it, and Cas feels better having the help. When both boys manage to nap at the same time that afternoon, Dean drags Cas away from the laundry to the living room and parks him on one side of the sectional couch, parking himself on the other side. A breeze blows through the windows and its sweet summer scent, along with Dean’s soft breathing, lull Cas to sleep, his constant to-do list forgotten.

That night, nearly everyone Cas and Dean call family are there: their mothers, all of their siblings and families, Ellen and Bobby, Jo, and Charlie. Balth is on vacation, but Dean spoke to him earlier and he’s on board with whatever Cas needs. Everyone dotes on the babies, and Cas gets to spend a bit of time with his nieces and nephew, as well as his siblings. While the kids play after supper, the family has a good laugh at Cas’ expense.

“We were wondering how long it would take for you to break,” Gabe jokes, and his siblings laugh.

“Thanks,” Cas mutters.

“We’re kidding, Cas,” Anna comforts him. “Seriously, though, you didn’t think you were gonna be able to do this by yourself, did you?” He shrugs, and she rolls her eyes. “There’s no way I could’ve done it by myself, and I only have Nalia. Am I less of a parent because of it?”

“No, of course not…”

“We needed a bunch of help, too,” Hannah says, “and I stayed at home while Mike worked and we only had one at a time, too. But we’re still good parents.”

“Yes, of course you are…”

“Parenting is fucking hard, Cas. Kali and I are an awesome team, but we needed help too, especially since we were both working,” Gabe adds.

“Us too,” Sam interjects as he grabs a beer and sits.

“And even if we were both home, parents need a break sometimes,” Kali says.

“Nobody does it alone,” Mary assures him with a gentle hand to his shoulder as she passes.

“Thank God for that. I don’t think I could’ve handled Jo all by myself,” Ellen teases, earning a playful glare from her daughter.

Cas sighs and smiles, shooting a look at Dean’s smug countenance. “Thank you. I just… you know, I wanted this so badly, and I just feel like I have to prove that I can do this and that I deserve it. I didn’t exactly get this opportunity by the most honest means…” he avoids glancing at his brother Mike, “and I just feel like I have so much more to prove.”

“You got nothing to prove to us,” Dean says with feeling, and those at the table nod emphatically.

“We’re family. Remember that, kid,” Bobby says from behind Sam.

“We love you, Castiel,” his mother says, bringing his head to hers and pressing a kiss to his temple.

“I just don’t want to get used to it,” Cas admits, to cries of protest.

“Why is that a problem?” Kali asks. “That’s what we’re here for.”

He feels a gentle cuff behind his head. “You don’t hafta worry about that. You got a lifetime of help right here, no expiration,” Ellen smiles, ruffling his hair with one hand while she holds a sleeping Robbie in her other arm.

“You’ve done so much for us. Let us help you,” Gabe pleads.

“Uncle Cas! Uncle Dean!” Shara cries. Anjuli is rushing up behind her, and Charlie is trailing behind both girls, with the rest of the kids following her like the Pied Piper. Charlie is holding a fussy Jamie. “Jamie’s cryin’!”

“Uncle Dean! Give Jamie his bottle!” Anji demands.

“I’ll do it, sweetie,” Cas starts, but Anji shakes her head and puts her finger up as if to scold him.

“No! Uncle Dean can do it because you’re gay married and Uncle Dean’s his daddy, too! Come play chalk with me!”

“Just married, sweetie,” Cas smiles. He looks over at Dean and they burst into a fit of giggles, the others soon joining them. Charlie arrives with Jamie and her followers. “We got a hungry kid here. Who wants him?” she asks. Several people raise their hands and everyone turns toward Cas.

“Dean can decide,” he says, standing up. “I have a date to play chalk.” He takes Anji’s hand. Ella breaks out of Eileen's arms and barrels into his legs. He lifts her up with his free arm, and Shara, Nalia, Lily, and Alfie follow him to the driveway, where they have a large, paved canvas to make their chalk creations.  

They all turn to Dean, who takes the baby in his arms and gives him a kiss. He wrinkles his nose when he sniffs him. “Whoever changes him gets to feed him,” he grins.


	15. Chapter 15

After that night, Grammy (Laurel), Nana (Mary), and Mimi and Papa (Ellen and Bobby) take turns coming by, with various aunts and uncles filling in the gaps. Everyone has loving arms and helping hands, and having the support from his large, devoted family feels much better than trying to slog along by himself. Dean becomes much more involved, too, now that Cas will let him. They work together to figure out the babies’ idiosyncrasies, and soon Cas feels much more in control and competent. He begins to really enjoy parenthood, as stressful and busy as it can be. He feels happy when he’s able to calm the boys, or to guess at what they need before they fuss, or to play little games that they don’t understand yet, or simply to look in their eyes and talk to them. His happiest times, though, are when he’s doing all of these things with Dean by his side. He loves having Dean’s companionship through this journey, and as he watches Dean’s ease with the boys he marvels at how skilled he is and what a shame it is that he doesn’t want children. He would make an incredible father. Maybe he’ll change his mind someday, Cas muses.  

Dean is thrilled that Cas is letting him go into full-on dad —  _ Uncle Dean _ mode. He’s always loved kids. He teaches Kindergarten, for crying out loud. The reason he hasn’t wanted to be a father has nothing to do with that. He admits to himself that he especially loves doing all of this with Cas, his best friend/husband. The bond they’ve formed has only strengthened with the birth of the kids, which is awesome (and maybe a bit of a problem once he has to leave, but he’s not dwelling on that now). They take walks every day and go visiting or run errands together. They take turns attending to the babies, feeding or changing or playing with them, and more often they do those tasks together. One of his favorite times is when they’re super busy with the kids and they’re having to work in tandem to get things done, and they just look at each other and grin because they know they’ve got this. Another of his favorite times is when they’re out and people look at them and smile or coo over the babies. It makes him feel like part of something bigger, like he’s part of a new club now — the parent club, the married-with-kids club, whatever. It’s a dangerous thought, so he tries not to stay there. His membership is limited, after all, and he’s kind of an imposter anyway. But one of his most favorite times, if most favorite is a thing, is when the babies are up during the night. Most people don’t like that, but he sort of does. He loves when he’s caring for them one on one, talking to them about all the things they did that day or about their family or about them growing up. He loves when he has both of them in his arms, the way they calm when they’re in contact with each other. And what he really loves is when Cas is up with them, and they’re simply enjoying the shared time together. There’s an intimacy in the night that’s lost in the daytime. Like tonight.

On the nights they’re up together, they often sit in the living room and chat quietly or take the kids on a “tour” of the house if they’re fussy and need to move. Tonight, though, Cas gives Robbie to Dean, leaving him with two grouchy babies while he disappears. He returns shortly thereafter with several blankets. Cas opens the doors that lead to the deck and layers the blankets, then retrieves Robbie and beckons Dean and Jamie to follow.  

It’s been hotter than hell thanks to the heat wave rocking the area, and the kids have been extra cranky (not to mention the adults), so the cool outdoor air is a welcome relief. Cas lays each of the babies on the thick layers, then follows suit and breathes the summer air deeply as he looks at the stars. The kids calm almost instantly. Dean stands there for a moment, simply taking in the view of the little family. Cas looks up at Dean expectantly. “Are you going to stay with us?” he asks, his voice deep and sweet in the late hour.

“Yeah,” Dean smiles, unexpectedly overwhelmed with emotion for reasons he can’t figure out. He settles himself around the babies, opposite Cas, and they watch the boys slip into sleep. 

“I can’t wait to take the kids out on a hike,” Cas says out of nowhere.

“Mmm, me too. In the fall, probably.”

“Yes. Less buggy and we won’t sweat so much.”

“Exactly. Won’t have to worry about the heat rash thing with the kids, hopefully. Plus they’ll be able to hold up their own heads.”

“Right.”

They settle back into silence for a while, until Cas says, “Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“Has this been okay for you?”

“Has what been okay?”

“All of it.”

Dean’s not sure what he’s referring to, but for everything he can think of, the answer is the same. “Yeah, Cas.”

“Okay.”

After more silence, Dean says, “Sucks that I have to go back to work soon.”

“Yes, it does. We’ll miss having you around.”

Dean can tell that Cas has turned toward him, so he turns onto his side and faces him. Cas has one hand tucked between himself and Robbie, but the other is right near Dean’s head, close enough to card his fingers through his hair if he wants to. Dean has one arm tucked under his head and the other by Jamie. He moves the arm by Jamie to rest it over both babies, his fingers draped a hair’s breadth from where Cas’ hand is tucked near Robbie. Neither of them is touching the other, but the proximity, coupled with the way their gazes rest on each other, feels more intimate than anything Dean has ever experienced with another person, sex included. It’s frightening, and Dean bites his lip subtly. “I’ll miss being here,” he says. He can feel the hot prickle of tears threatening his eyes, and he blinks the sensation away. Cas smiles softly, wiping the one tear that managed to escape, and they lay in silence again.  

“Has this been okay with you?” Dean asks quietly as the sky blushes with the first hint of dawn. 

Cas thinks for a moment. “Yes,” he says. His face and voice match, both exuding peace and satisfaction. 

“Good,” Dean smiles. He lets his head brush against Cas’ fingers, just enough to pretend it was a mistake if he needs to but seeking a little contact for reassurance. Cas smiles; he says nothing, but allows the contact. 

Jamie starts stirring next to them, slowly drifting into wakefulness. Cas and Dean lean above him, smiling and cooing their morning greetings. Jamie’s eyes meander back and forth between them. 

“Hello, my love,” Cas purrs in his low baritone. 

Dean joins in the conversation. “Hey, kiddo, where are you this morning? Are you outside, huh? What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? Are Daddy and me gonna take you camping someday?  Sleep under the stars, listen to all the animals?” He makes a gentle howling sound that makes Jamie widen his eyes and fidget.

“Ooh, camping, what do you think?” Cas asks, smiling widely at the baby in the new dawn light. 

With both men looking at him expectantly, Jamie breaks into a smile. 

“Oh my God. Oh my God, Dean!” Cas says, gripping his arm. “His first real smile!”

“Dude!” Dean exclaims, pulling Cas into a side-hug over the babies. “I’m gonna grab my phone!” He scrambles to get his phone, but Jamie is staring wide-eyed and gaping at Cas again when he returns. “Damn it,” he mutters. 

“Let’s try again,” Cas urges as he pulls him back down. He reverts to a higher-pitched “baby” voice. “Hey, do you want to go camping someday when you’re big? Want to go camping with Dad and Dee and Robbie, hmm?”

Jamie breaks into another smile, as if he’s understanding his father’s words, and Dean can’t wipe the smile off his face, either. Despite the fact that Dean constantly reminds himself that he’s Uncle Dean to these kids, he loves that Cas doesn’t call him that. He knows it’s probably tactical, that once they’re around people outside of the family they can’t be calling him Uncle Dean, but still. Dean snaps picture after picture on his phone, Cas working to keep the smile on Jamie’s face. He catches a few pictures of the two of them, too, Cas’ smile rivaling his son’s. At Cas’ insistence, he lays on his back and takes a selfie of the three (four) of them, managing to catch Jamie’s smile before he goes slack-lipped again.

Their enthusiasm over Jamie’s achievement wakes Robbie, who starts to wave his arms vigorously. They’ve figured out that Robbie prefers to move, so they give him lots of opportunities to do so, bicycling his legs when he’s fussy or rocking him in large, sweeping motions (Dean figured that one out, and he was pretty proud of himself). Robbie seems delighted to be waking up outside.  

“Good morning, my little love,” Cas smiles at Robbie. He takes his tiny hands and moves his arms gently in circles to match his words. “It’s a BIG day! Dad and Dee and Jamie and Robbie are in the BIG backyard, and Jamie had a BIG surprise for us! Yes he did! Yes!” He leans down and kisses his son noisily in the folds between his head and neck. Dean smiles fondly and snaps a few more pictures of them, lit by the rising sun.  

“You gonna smile for us, too, buddy?” Dean asks excitedly. “Huh?” He tickles Robbie’s bottom lip. “No? Not yet? Okay.” He plants a loud kiss on his forehead, then on his cheek. “Ugh, one of you stinks,” he laughs.  

“Well, the moment was nice while it lasted,” Cas grins at Dean.  

Yes, nights like these are definitely Dean’s most favorite.

The rest of August flies by, with lots of smiles (Robbie debuted his smile a couple of days later when the entire family was gathered at Hannah and Michael’s for Lily’s birthday) and a few frowns (Jamie hated tummy time), and soon it’s time for Dean to return to work. Cas wakes up early on the Saturday before school starts and realizes that poor Dean hasn’t had much time to himself all summer. He’s been consumed with caring for the babies, visits to their families, and the endless chores that come with having children. Dean has made so many sacrifices for Cas and the babies, and it bothers Cas that he’s done nothing to repay him for all of his kindness. He expects to hear the babies any moment now, so he rises before the babies start to fuss and prepares their bottles, then intercepts them so that Dean can sleep.  

“What should I do for Dee, hmm?” he asks his sons. “What do you think he’d like? We have to do something to show him how special he is, huh? Okay, let’s think. What would you guys like if you were Dee?” He stops and watches them. Robbie keeps sucking on his bottle; Jamie gives him a smile around the nipple of his. “Hmm, yeah, I don’t think he wants a bottle and cuddle time. Maybe if the bottle had beer.” He takes the nipple out of Jamie’s mouth, since he’s stopped sucking. “He’d probably want to suck on a nipple, but not these kind,” he jokes to himself. It does make him pause. Dean hasn’t said anything, but he knows it’s been a long time since he’s been out with anyone. He used to be a very sexual person, going out at least a couple of times a month and finding whoever to do whatever. He looks out the window and thinks. Could he get away with going out if he went far enough? Should he offer? Frankly, he hates the thought, but he can’t be selfish. Though they’re married, Dean isn’t really his. He looks back down at the babies. Jamie smiles at him again, and Robbie smiles, too. “Probably shouldn’t risk it,” Cas decides aloud, knowing it’s a little selfish.

“Hey, how come I wasn’t invited to the party?” Dean asks as he sticks his head around the corner.  

“Can’t let you sleep if I wake you up,” Cas replies. Dean shrugs.

“Sleeping is overrated. Hey guys,” he smiles at the boys, who smile and wave their arms.

“You won’t think so once you’re back to work.”

“Eh, don’t remind me. So what shouldn’t you risk?” Dean asks. Cas winces, knowing he heard the tail end of Cas’ “conversation” with the kids.

“I was just thinking that… well, you haven’t been able to do much this summer, and now you’re heading back to work, and I just feel bad that we’ve taken up all of your time off. So I was thinking about something you might want to do this weekend, something special just for you. I know it’s been a while, so I thought maybe, if you’re careful…” Cas lets the pause sit for a while, but Dean doesn’t respond, so he finishes, “...but I think you’d have to go too far and it would be risky.”

Dean frowns and swallows as he stares at Cas. The intensity of it is almost too much. Cas sniffs and, trying to lighten the suddenly inexplicably heavy mood, he says, “The boys thought you’d like a bottle and cuddle time. I told them the bottle would have to have beer. I didn’t think you’d be into formula.” At that, a corner of Dean’s mouth rises, and he drops his gaze to the babies.

“Formula’s pretty nasty. I tried it.” They chuckle softly, but it still feels much too tense. Dean breaks the silence that follows by saying, “I don’t… I told you, Cas. I won’t ever do anything to jeopardize what we have… you know, with the babies and all. And honestly?” He raises his eyes to Cas’. “I don’t miss it. I mean, I like sex but that’s all it was for me, and that’s… it’s just not where I’m at right now, you know? I have better things in my life.” He smiles at the babies, then at Cas. “A bottle of beer might be nice, though. Maybe dinner that I can eat while it’s hot. I totally get why Sam and Eileen used to bitch.” They laugh at the thought of the many cold dinners they’ve had, and Cas nods.

“Done,” he says. “Don’t worry about a thing. You have a great time, and I’ll handle things at home. I’ll take the monitor out of your room, too, so you aren’t disturbed once you get home. Are you going to ask Sam?”

Dean licks his lips and looks away. “Uh, actually,” he shrugs nervously, “I was kinda hopin’ we could go do something. Maybe have Grammy or Nana watch the boys.”

Cas is pleasantly taken aback. “You want to go out? Just us?”

“Yeah,” he shrugs again. “I mean, we used to all the time. I love being with the boys, obviously, but it’s been a while since it’s just been me and my best friend, you know? I kinda miss you, Milton.”

Cas’ face breaks into a wide grin, his pulse fluttering. “I kinda miss you, Winchester.”

The first babysitting job is a very serious thing to offer, and over breakfast the men debate who to offer it to. They decide to offer it to both Laurel and Mary, who jump at the opportunity. Throughout the day, Cas goes into an errand and cleaning frenzy and frets over the detailed instructions he’s writing out for them. Dean has to giggle at him a little, but secretly, he’s fretting, too. He trusts his mother and Cas’ mother, no question, but these are… well, not  _ his _ boys, exactly, but they’re special to him and nobody knows them better than him and Cas and maybe they could just get takeout and….

“Dean!” Cas says.  

“What?”

“I asked you if you’re going to change or not.”

He looks down at his shabby shorts and shabbier t-shirt with spit-up splattered on the shoulder.“Uh, yeah. Guess my usual wardrobe these days won’t fly.” A little embarrassed, he runs upstairs to take a shower.

When the grandmothers arrive, Cas and Dean both give instructions.

“Now Jamie likes to be swaddled still, but  _ only _ with this blanket…”

“You gotta keep on Robbie to eat, ‘cause he’ll just look around and flirt with you if you don’t…”

“The formula is here, and this is how you measure it. It has to be exact. This is the water we use…”

“Bath first, then two books, but with the lights dimmed…”

“Okay, you nervous Nellies,” Laurel laughs and pats each of their arms affectionately. “Mary and I have been through this a few times, remember?”

They both nod in shame.  

“Alright. Go, go!” Mary shoos them out the door.  

Despite their worries, the men have a great time. They drive out to a German restaurant they haven’t tried before, and they share the World Tour (a selection of five beers) and the Königsteller as their main dish. They talk for so long that they miss the early movie they were going to see, so they find an ice cream shop and suck down strawberry shakes while they walk back to the car. The women seem disappointed but not surprised when they return earlier than expected. They assure them that the kids were “perfect” and that they would be happy to babysit anytime.  

“So… movie?” Dean asks once their mothers have left. Cas looks around at the things they could be doing, should be doing… then looks at Dean.  

“Movie,” he grins.

They only get about forty minutes into the movie when Robbie stirs, followed by Jamie. The boys don’t seem hungry or in need of anything other than the two men holding them.

“Probably just a little out-of-sorts not having us here earlier,” Cas comments as they return to the couch. 

“Yeah,” Dean agrees, settling next to Cas and watching Jamie’s eyes slowly close.

“Sorry. This was supposed to be a night for you.”

“Hey, are you kidding? I’ve had a great time. They were just reminding me we forgot a very important part of the evening.”

Cas furrows his brows. “We did?”

“Well, yeah. They suggested a bottle and cuddling. I got the bottles but no cuddling.”

“Ah. Well, we’ll have to fix that.” Cas pulls a couple of large throw pillows off the couch and tucks them under each of the men’s arms to support them as the babies snuggle down between the two of them. He turns the movie back on, volume low, and kicks his feet up onto the coffee table. Hesitantly, he leans into Dean’s side, resting his head on his shoulder as he looks at Jamie on Dean’s lap. “Good?” he asks.  

Before Cas can move, Dean drops his head gently onto Cas’. “Perfect,” he murmurs.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just candy and rainbows for our boys today! :)
> 
> Thank you all for your support and comments — you’re all amazing!


	16. Chapter 16

Cas gets up early even though the boys are sleeping so he can make coffee and breakfast for Dean’s first day back. He hums as he chops up the peppers and ham for the Western omelets. The humming helps dissipate his nervous energy. He feels confident that he can handle the kids on his own now (competently, if not perfectly), and he knows he’ll have people “just stopping by” later. The nervousness is more about Dean heading back to work. He’ll miss him. His damn crush hasn’t abated since they really started parenting together over the summer. If anything, it’s gotten much, much stronger. So the bright side, at least, is that there will be a little distance. Maybe that distance will help him separate a bit. Maybe it will lessen the intensity of his crush. Maybe Dean will pull back since he won’t be at home all the time, which might make it easier to eventually make the break. He sighs and swallows against the lump forming in his throat.

Dean clatters down the stairs after his shower, carrying himself a little less enthusiastically than usual. He brightens when he sees Cas, but his face falls a bit when he notices the two little ones missing.

“Still sleeping,” Cas answers Dean’s unasked question.

“Oh,” he says, looking disappointed.  “What are you doing up, then?”

“Making you breakfast,” Cas says. He places a full plate in front of Dean, along with a cup of steaming coffee.

“You got up just to make me breakfast?”

“Yes.”

Dean brightens again, a pink tinge filling his cheeks. “Thanks, Cas,” he says shyly.

“You’re welcome,” he smiles, baffled by his shyness. They eat in a comfortable silence, Cas not wanting to interfere with whatever Dean needs to do to prepare himself for going back to work. When they finish up, Cas hands Dean a bright green bag with pictures of apples on it (he couldn’t resist the whole apple/teacher thing when he saw the bag at the dollar store) and leans against the counter to watch him open it.

“What’s this?”

“A going back gift.”

Dean removes the tissue paper and pulls out the gifts — three frames, each containing a picture. They look custom-made.

“Cas,” he breathes as he traces the lettering on two of the wood frames. They’re photos of Dean with each of the boys, and the words “Dee and Me” are carved at the top of each frame. The third photo is one that Cas took just a few days ago, when Dean was playing with the boys on the floor. He’s making a silly face at them, and they’re both smiling at him, their gummy grins matching Dean’s toothy one. “We love Dee” is carved above the photo. Dean looks up at Cas, his eyes filled with emotion, but Cas isn’t quite sure whether the emotion is positive or not.

“Balth made them for me. I thought you could put them on your desk, if you want,” Cas suggests hesitantly. Now he’s wondering if they were too much. Dean nods, just a tiny bow of his head, then takes a deep breath and stares at them again. Cas licks his lips and waits. He doesn’t have to wait long; soon Dean is on his feet and rushing Cas, pressing him a bit painfully into the counter in a tight hug. He doesn’t say a word, but he doesn’t have to.

They break apart and Dean picks up his gift bag, putting the pictures in it before he disappears to his room to finish getting ready. Cas sneaks into the boys’ room to check on them and sees that Robbie is awake. He picks up Robbie, then Jamie, and brings them both out into the foyer. When Dean comes to the door, he lights up at seeing the boys, even if one is still sleeping. He takes each of them, one at a time, and holds them for a minute before giving them each a kiss and giving them back to their father. Robbie starts squealing, his empty belly rumbling in complaint, and Dean gives him one more kiss and speaks to him quietly. He looks up, his face inches from Cas’.

“I’ll kinda miss you, Miltons,” he says softly.

“We’ll kinda miss you, Winchester,” Cas responds in kind.

“I’ll be home right after work.”

“We’ll be here.”

Dean smiles again, takes a deep breath, and leaves.

Dean used to love the first day of school. He always thought it was because he loved his job. Now, as he fights every instinct to turn around and go home, he realizes that maybe it’s because he felt like he was part of something bigger there, something that made him feel like he was the person he wanted to be. He loves his job, he really does, but that fulfillment he gets at school is multiplied tenfold at the home he shares with Cas and their — _his_ boys. Cas’ boys.

He’s had a couple of weeks to get used to the idea. They went shopping to get ready for the new year, filling the cart with pencils and crayons and glue (so much glue). Cas commented on how someday it would be the boys’ turn to start school, and Dean nearly had a panic attack — both for how fast that time will come, and for his fear that he won’t be involved in it. He imagined Cas taking the two little guys shopping, happily buying double of everything. He pictured him by himself at first, then with a guy that Cas looked at with the same look he reserved for the boys. It made him nervous. As his mind ran wild, he imagined Cash coming back into the picture and wanted to puke. He made the mistake of asking Cas if he’d ever get back with Cash, and Cas looked at him like he’d grown another head and asked him if he was feeling okay. Despite Cas thinking he was crazy, his response made him feel a little better. After the shopping trip, he spent some time in his classroom. It took him much longer than usual, because he kept stopping and thinking. He tried to focus on seeing his students and seeing the teachers he now considers friends. It helped, but the sense of loss was still heavy in his heart.

This morning, Cas’ gifts really got to him. Getting up when he didn’t have to just to make him breakfast and spend time with him so he wouldn’t have to be alone his first day back… he hardly knew what to say. People just didn’t do that for him. The pictures were beautiful, and the frames… damn. He managed to keep it together, but just barely. And bringing the kids to the door, knowing that Dean needed to say goodbye to them… well. It brought up a lot of feelings.    

Dean pulls into the parking lot, grabs his bags, and heads inside. Today is a workshop day, their day to get in their required annual trainings and get everything settled for tomorrow, when the kids would be there. He hits the teachers’ lounge and grabs a coffee, then heads to the library and is swarmed by colleagues.

“Hey, Daddy!” Donna squeals, flinging herself at him for a hug.

“How’s parenthood, Winchester?” Crowley asks with a devilish smirk.

“Awesome,” Dean grins.

“Glad to be back? Happy to escape?” Cesar teases. He’s no longer subbing for Sarah, who’s back from maternity leave, but he took a job as a behavioral support specialist for a couple of kids who need extra support in the classroom. Dean shrugs and Cesar seems to understand.

“Let’s see how much those kiddos have grown since I saw them last!” Jody demands, her hand out for his phone. Dean rolls his eyes and surrenders it. For those who are still waiting, he holds out the bag and allows them to take out the pictures and pass them around.

“Oh my gosh! They are _precious_!” Becky squeals, peering over Garth’s shoulder at the one of the three of them with both boys smiling.

“Pretty cute,” Cesar grins as Kevin takes the two single photos from him and nods approvingly. “Bet you had a hard time this morning, didn’t you?” he asks, his earlier teasing yielding to something more sincere. Cesar is a father himself, having two children via surrogate with his husband. He gives Dean a knowing smile, and Dean nods.

“I’ve gotten to visit them all summer. Jealous?” Jo smugly asks Donna, who pouts exaggeratedly.

“I visited a couple of times,” Donna shoots back. “Tried to steal the babies but they said noooo,” she says sarcastically, rolling her eyes. Dean smiles with affection. He’d loved having Donna visit.

“This is the best one,” Crowley smirks, wiggling his brows and holding up the last frame he digs out of the bag. The rest of his colleagues lean over his shoulder and coo at the sweet, happy scene. Dean blushes and takes his photos and his phone back, and Jody calls them to attention so they can get started.

In the afternoon, when they’re dismissed to finish up their classrooms, Dean sets up his supply centers and pushes each tiny, primary-colored chair under the tables, making sure each chair is matched with the name of one of his new students. The last thing he does is fetch the gift bag. He uncovers the frames and pulls them out one by one. He clears the edge of his desk and stands them up in order: first, the individual ones, then the one with him and the boys, and finally the one he’d secretly printed and framed, brought from the drawer he’d kept it in at home. He sits back and admires them all, his eyes landing on the last, the one Crowley commented on and his colleagues had admired: the boys, Dean, and Cas, laying on the deck in the dawn light, Robbie snoozing sweetly while the rest of them smile for their selfie. “On my way home,” he tells the photo.

“Oh, look who’s home!” Cas says to the boys. They’re in the front yard, enjoying the sunny day and the tickles of the grass under their backs. Cas rolls onto his side and watches Dean transform from serious and focused to lighthearted, the weight of his day sliding off his face as soon as he sees Robbie and Jamie.

“Hey, guys!” Dean practically squeals through a smile wider than the horizon. When they see their Dee, they kick their feet and move their arms furiously and smile, making tiny noises of excitement. He dives into the grass, heedless of his nice polo shirt and khakis, and nuzzles them together, making loud, enthusiastic kissing and snuffling noises. One of them — Robbie, Cas thinks — lets out a delighted noise that turns into a laugh. Both men sit up and screech.

“He laughed! Cas, he laughed!”

“I know!  Do it again!” Cas says, turning on the video recorder on his phone. Dean repeats the piggy snuffling, and Robbie giggles again, followed immediately by Jamie. The video will be shaky, Cas knows, because he’s so excited. They both laugh at the kids’ laughter, the sound of which seems to surprise both children as it comes from their mouths. Cas and Dean lean down at the same time and kiss the babies, bumping heads in their excitement but neither caring. They’re both glad Dean didn’t miss this.

Dean falls right back into the routine for the rest of the evening, both babies seeming to want him tonight. He’s tired from his day, but he wants to spend time with the kids, so after their feedings and baths Cas sets Dean up on the couch, propping his arms with pillows and handing him each of the boys to cuddle. He sets up some soft music and darkens the room. Cas pulls out _Goodnight Moon_ and _How Do Dinosaurs Say Good Night?_ and reads them in a low, sonorous voice. Sometimes one of them will sing to the kids, but tonight they don’t seem to need it. Soft, steady breathing fills the room, accompanying the crickets outside. Cas peeks over at Dean to ask him if they’re sleeping, and chuckles to himself when he sees that all three of them are dozing. He waits for a while, simply enjoying the peace of watching over them as they sleep. He wonders if this is how it would’ve felt if he’d gotten everything he wanted in the way he’d planned when he was young and ignorant. He doesn’t know and never will, but what he does know is that, imperfect and unconventional as it is, he loves this. He has two incredible children, a house that feels like home, family and friends that support him, and Dean. It’s not perfect, not _exactly_ what he wants, but it’s pretty damn great.

The first week back to school is tough, but soon things take on a new rhythm and settle. Having to get up early for work anyway and knowing Cas has been getting to the kids at night before him, Dean insists on letting Cas sleep in the morning and taking care of the first feeding and changing. It gives him time with them before he goes to work, and he needs that. Cas gets up anyway, but takes his time and lets Dean have his.

September practically melts away in the busyness of work and child care, and soon Cas’ paternity leave is ending and his sabbatical is starting. This means two things: getting the kids to get used to a caregiver for a couple hours so Cas can write and research without interruption, and getting the kids to sleep through the night (or at least a decent 5-6 hour stretch). Cas tackles the caregiver/back to work thing first, with some trepidation.

“I feel horrible,” Cas complains to Dean one evening, just before the kids’ three-month birthday.

“They’re gonna be fine, Cas,” Dean assures him. “Yes, you are, tell Daddy you’re gonna be fine!” he sing-songs to Jamie, who’s laying on a play mat on the floor with his brother. Toys are hanging over their heads.

“I know they will. I trust Hannah, obviously.”

“So what’s the problem?”

Cas peers at Dean through lowered lids. “I… there’s a part of me that feels horrible for leaving them, but….”

“But what?”

Cas sighs and bites his upper lip as he avoids eye contact with Dean. “There’s another part of me that wants to get back to doing my work.”

Dean gently taps his shoulder until the man looks at him. “Hey. It’s okay to want to work.”

“Yes, but I love the kids, and I wanted to adopt them, and to want to do something else…”

“Makes you human,” Dean finishes. “Cas, you love the kids more than anything. I know that. But you love your work, too, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do both. They have so many people who love them. You’re giving them the chance to be with those people, too. It’s a gift for them and it’s a gift for you. I’ve been back at work for a month now, and yeah, I miss them and it took time to adjust…” Cas snorts at Dean’s understatement and Dean playfully shoves him, “but it makes it that much better when I am home with them. It’s gonna be okay. You’re not a bad father for wanting a little time to yourself to work or just to do something fun for you. Hell, you haven’t done something just for yourself since I don’t know when.”

Cas shrugs. He knows Dean’s right. He just needs to wrap his head around it.

“Come on. Tell you what. Tomorrow’s Saturday. You go out for a while during the day. Do your writing or go for a run or whatever. I’ll stay home. Then, tomorrow night, we’ll see if someone can watch them and we’ll go out for dinner or something. Alright?”

Cas agrees, and it turns out just fine. He goes out for a run and meets Charlie and Balth for lunch. That night, the two men grab burgers and hit an indoor rock climbing facility. They’re sore and sweaty and they feel pretty damn good.

That good feeling lasts through the transition into his sabbatical (which is surprisingly smooth) but ends when Cas decides in mid-October that it's time for the babies to start preparing to sleep through the night.

“They’re nearly four months old,” Cas argues, in his opinion, quite reasonably. “They don’t need the number of feedings they’re getting anymore. Their pediatrician said they’re growing fine and that they should start weaning off so many nighttime feedings. We’re only encouraging them to keep doing it. And they need to learn how to sleep.”

“Well I think they still need them, Cas. They’re not quite where they should be compared to other kids, and they’ll have their whole lives to learn how to sleep.”

“You just don’t want to hear them fuss.”

“No, I don’t! I think it’s mean.”

“It’s not mean to help them learn how to self-soothe.”

“Well maybe you should ask them that.”

“They’re going to have to learn lots of things that are frustrating to them, Dean, things they won’t like. Are we just going to let them do whatever they want because they don’t like something?”

“I’m not talking about when they’re teenagers or some shit, I’m talking about right now, and right now they’re just babies who need that comfort!”

“Not four times a night, they don’t. I’m not saying starve them or ignore them, I’m just saying we need to cut back, let them figure some things out…”

“Fend for themselves, that’s your parenting strategy?”

“They’re not fending for themselves, Dean, God! They’ll learn how to sleep better, and it would help us, too…”

“I don’t care! Parents make sacrifices for their kids! That’s what they do!”

“Parents also teach their kids the skills they need!”

“Parents are also there when their kids need them!”

“I am there for them!”

“And so, what? You're just gonna listen to them cry themselves to sleep?”

“I’m going to listen to them learn how to settle themselves down.”

“Well, good. Let’s make fine, independent men out of them at three-and-a-half months old.”

“Dean…”

“It’s fuckin’ ludicrous, Cas. Maybe you can listen to them wail, but I can’t.”

“Well, fine. Are you prepared to get up with them during the night for the next several years?”

“It won’t be that long!”

Their arguing wakes the babies, and Cas glares at Dean.

“Whatever you decide to do, you’d better be ready to see through to the end,” he growls through clenched teeth. “I’ll go see to the kids now, since, you know, I’m not doing a good enough job of being there for them.”

“I didn’t say that!”

Cas ignores him and stomps to the bedroom door, then collects himself and walks inside. Dean follows him but stops short, uncertain if he’ll just piss off Cas even more. Deciding he doesn’t give a flying fuck if he does because the boys are upset and need them, Dean takes a breath and walks in. Cas stands at the window, looking out at the rainy night and twisting his torso back and forth to sway the hiccuping babies in his arms. Cas lets Dean take Robbie out of his arms, neither of them saying a word. They look out the window, angry with each other but standing together to comfort the boys they both adore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It had to happen sometime. :-/ But it started off nicely, right?


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope no one has pissed in your Wheaties this week. ;) Enjoy!

The light of day doesn’t bring any resolution to their argument. They go about their routines, mostly ignoring each other as they tend to the kids, though Cas makes coffee and pours a cup for Dean and Dean makes enough French toast for both of them. Dean kisses the boys goodbye, giving them each an extra snuggle as an apology for last night. He notices that Cas looks exhausted, and knows he looks the same.

“Who pissed in your Wheaties, Winchester?” Cesar asks when Dean shuffles in and grunts in greeting.

“My husband,” he mutters.

Cesar, the asshole, laughs.

“Thanks,” Dean grumbles through the doughnut he stuffed in his mouth.

“Had to happen sometime. New marriage, two kids… I’m surprised you went as long as you did.”

“And what did the love birds fight about?” Crowley asks from the corner, mail and worksheets in his hands. He hates dealing with the computers and avoids it as much as possible.

“Just… kid stuff, that’s all.”  

“Lemme guess,” Jody calls from across the lounge. “You want to do things one way, he wants to do them another.” Dean shrugs with one shoulder, essentially confirming her statement. “God, I remember those days,” she continues with a little smile. “Still having ‘em.”

“I hear you, Dean. I’m living it,” Sarah says, patting his arm. “It’s hard.”

“Yeah, ‘cause he’s wrong,” Dean mutters, to the laughter of several in the room.

“That’s what’s hard,” Cesar jokes. “If you could just get him to see it your way, everything would be perfect.” The others laugh again, and Dean’s mouth ticks up in a tiny smile. He’s still pissed, but he’s got a good support system here. He thinks maybe they should have some of them over one weekend for dinner. That would be nice. But they’ve gotta get through this shit first. In the meantime, he’s got a classroom full of little faces to see. He puts on his cheery teacher face and gets to it.

The next day is the same, and it’s already starting to wear on Dean. But he’s not going to let this go.  Supper is very quiet. Dean usually loves Cas’ manicotti, but it sits like a brick in his stomach tonight. Cas occupies himself with the kids’ feedings and lets his meal grow cold on his plate. It bothers Dean even if he’s pissed at him. He decides to visit Sam and Eileen after supper to try to clear his head.

“No kids and Cas?” Eileen asks when she opens the door.

“Just me,” he says while signing. He’s not great at the longer conversations in ASL, but he’s managed to pick up words and phrases along the way.

“Just you is good, too,” she says, but her face betrays her concern.

They sit and he visits with Ella until she has to start her bedtime routine and Eileen disappears with her. Sam offers Dean a beer, which he declines. “So what’s up?” Sam asks, settling in his chair and folding his hands. Dean explains his argument with Cas and sits back to wait for his brother’s unwavering support. He gets nervous when Sam takes too long to respond.

“What?” he asks when he can’t take Sam’s fidgeting silence any longer.

“I mean, I think you have some good points, and it might be a little soon, but it really depends on the kid, you know? Plus, I don’t know, I think you were a little hard on him. It’s not bad to help kids learn how to soothe themselves and get themselves back to sleep. We had to do it with Ella. What would be bad is if he didn’t help them if they got really distressed or if he was inattentive or something. I don’t think Cas would be like that. I don’t know, I just, the stuff you’re saying, fending for themselves and whatnot… it kind of sounds like your issue.”

“Yeah, but Cas doesn’t really get it. We know firsthand how shitty it can be to feel like you’ve been abandoned. I don’t want the kids going through that.”

“He’s not abandoning them, Dean. There’s a big difference between helping kids learn something on their own and _leaving_ them on their own.”

“I know, I know, just… we’ve got so much shit coming up. They’re just getting into the whole sitter thing with Hannah, and we’re gonna have Alfie and Lily over this weekend ‘cause Mike and Hannah are going to some couples’ retreat thing, and I’ve got shit at work coming up, and… I don’t know, it just seems like it’s bad timing. Plus, c’mon, making them cry? I can’t. He just needs to listen to reason.”

Sam takes a deep, almost regretful breath, the kind that precedes a difficult conversation. “Isn’t, uh… I mean, you’re not their father, Dean. Cas is. It’s his decision.”

The bitter taste of bile fills his throat, and he closes his eyes to dam the flood that’s threatening to spill over. He still hears his brother talking, but just barely, the roar of _you’re not their father_ nearly deafening him. He forgot. How could he forget?

“Thanks, Sam. Good talk.”

“Dean…”

“Nope, got what I need, thanks.” Dean quickly grabs his jacket and bolts out of the house before his brother can catch up with him.

_Fuck. Fuck!_ Dean thinks as he drives. _How could I forget?_ He doesn’t feel good about Cas’ plan, but he knows Cas would never harm his children. _His_ children. It’s not Dean’s decision. He has no say. He drives home in a fog, his tears blurring the streets. He pulls into their garage ( _Cas’_ garage, not _their_ garage) and steps into the warm house, hearing the delighted babbling of the boys as Cas talks to them and folds laundry in their bedroom. It’s heartbreakingly domestic, and usually he’d be right in on the action. Tonight, he puts his coat away quietly, makes his lunch for tomorrow, and disappears into his room, curling himself into a ball and trying not to think but failing.

Cas lets Dean pout for a while, but by Thursday he’s concerned. Yes, they had a fight about the boys, and yes, they have some pretty strongly differing opinions, but Dean hasn’t spoken to him in several days and that’s unusual. Well, he has spoken, but only to say things like “Whatever you want, Cas” or “It’s up to you, Cas” any time he asks Dean something about the kids. He’s drawn back from them a bit in Cas’ presence, too, though he’s still doing his part of the routine and he’s sneaking additional time with them when he thinks Cas doesn’t see him — in the middle of the night when they go quiet, Dean already having answered their call in what he thinks is a surreptitious manner, or when they’re sleeping and Dean stands in their bedroom, letting them grasp his fingers and watching them sadly. It’s all quite confusing, and Cas really isn’t sure what’s going on, but he knows he needs to find out. So, as Dean leaves for work, Cas says to his retreating back, “I want to talk to you tonight after the kids go to bed.” Dean stops, nods his head without turning around, and leaves.  

Cas is a bundle of nerves, but he forces himself to remain chipper. When Hannah knocks at the usual time to watch the boys for his work time, he’s surprised to see Mike on his threshold when he opens the door.

“What’s going on?” Mike asks as soon as he sees him, worry overtaking his usually stoic features.

“Nothing,” Cas says dismissively. “I didn’t realize you’d be here instead of Hannah. I can handle things on my own today, the boys have been pretty mellow…”

“Hannah had a doctor’s appointment and wasn’t sure if she was going to get back in time, so I took the day off.”

“I’m sorry, if I’d known…”

“It’s fine, Cas. I’ve been taking time off here and there anyway. I have lots of time saved up. It’s part of my plan.”

“Plan?”

“Yes. My ‘healthier me’ plan,” he says, using air quotes that are kind of a family joke. Cas smiles despite the weird tension they’ve had between them the last year. The plan must be helping, Cas thinks. He looks healthier than he has in a long time. “So, what’s going on? You don’t look well.”

Cas explains the argument and the ensuing tension, Mike nodding along as he cuddles Jamie, who rests contentedly on his shoulder.

“It might be a little early, Cas,” he says finally. “Do you think they’re ready?”

“I think so, at least to wean from some of the feedings. I figured I’d give it a try for a week and see. I wrote up a plan on how to do it and everything, so they won’t feel abandoned, but I haven’t been able to talk about it with Dean because, as I said, he’s just been annoyingly deferential. So I’ve just waited.”

“Do you know why he objects?”

“Not really, other than what he said.”

Mike purses his lips in thought. “He seems to have had a tough childhood with his father.”

Cas furrows his brows, surprised that Mike knows that, but carries on. “Yes. His father left when they were fairly young.”

“He probably felt abandoned.”

“Yes, I’m sure he did. His mother quickly became the sole caregiver, and the boys had to sort of fend for themselves from time to time when she worked, and… oh. Huh. You really think this brought all that stuff up?”

“That’s my guess,” his brother shrugs.

“Huh. It makes sense. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. Thanks, Mike.”

Michael nods but still seems to have something to say, so Cas waits. “I… did not approve of this arrangement you had, for many reasons, most of which were not your problem but mine. I still have my reservations, but for different reasons I won’t get into now. But I just want to say that I think you’re an incredible father, Castiel, and I think you and Dean make a great team. You’re both raising these boys admirably.”

Cas huffs, a tiny smile curling up within his several days of facial hair growth. “Thanks. Not feeling like it right now, but thanks.”

Michael places his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “The two of you will figure it out. You’ve gotten this far, right?”

“Hmph. Yeah. I guess you’re right. So far, so good,” Cas says, daring to feel a bit of hope.

That night, dread pools in Dean’s gut as he drives home. It’s been sitting there all day, but now it feels like there’s a heavy weight tied to him, pulling him into its depths. Feeling like he’s about to face a firing squad, Dean walks into the house, where Cas is flying Robbie through the air.

“Believe it or not, I’m walking on air!” he sings loudly. Dean recognizes the tune as the theme song from an old TV show from the early ‘80s (it seems Cas only knows TV theme songs, Broadway tunes, or songs from the flower power era). Despite his dread, a chuckle escapes from him as Cas continues to swoop Robbie securely in his arms, singing animatedly and making the boy laugh. “Flying away on a wing and a prayer, who could it be?” he continues as he walks up to Dean, the smile bright on his face. “Believe it or not, it’s your Dee!” he finishes, changing the last couple of words as he plants the giggling baby in Dean’s arms. Dean instantly relaxes. How could he not?

“Hey, squirmy wormy,” Dean coos, planting kisses on his nose and letting himself enjoy the moment.

Both Cas and the kids are in great moods, and once the boys go to bed Dean is hoping Cas forgot about their talk. He didn’t. They sit on the couch awkwardly, Cas gearing up and Dean wishing he could run away but knowing he can’t.

“You’re not keeping your vows,” he starts. Dean huffs, remembering a conversation with a tearful Cas a couple of months ago. “But I didn’t, either. I didn’t show you respect. I made a decision, a big one, about the boys without consulting you. I mean, I thought I was, sort of, but I really wasn’t. I already made the decision and was more or less telling you what I was going to do without asking your opinion.”

Dean shakes his head, confused. “You don’t have to ask my opinion, Cas, they’re your…”

“And you didn’t keep up your vows because you’re not being open with me. You’re shutting down.”

“Yeah,” Dean sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

“You have nothing…”

“Dean…”

“No, but wait, Cas. Seriously, they’re your kids and you can decide whatever you want about them. I have no right to an opinion about it.”

“Yes, I’m their father, but you love them and you saw something that you thought wasn’t good for them and said something about it. For that, I’m infinitely grateful. The boys need someone who loves them like that in their lives, someone who’s willing to stick up for them.”

Dean shakes his head minutely. “Cas, that was my shit coming out with my own father. It had nothing to do with you or your decision. I’ve thought about it and done research and talked to people and you weren’t wrong; it’s not a bad thing you’re wanting to do.”

“No, it’s not,” Cas says. He rests his hand lightly on Dean’s wrist. “But you made some good points, too. We both want what’s best for the boys, and I think maybe we can talk about what we want and our ideas and find something that will work for both of us.”

“You want my ideas?” Dean asks, feeling his throat constrict.

“Of course I do.”

Dean turns his hand over and nervously grips Cas’ shirtsleeve at the wrist. “But I’m not their father, Cas.”

“You love them, no matter what you choose to be to them. So, if you're comfortable, I’d like to talk about your ideas, tell you mine, and see what we can come up with. We’re pretty smart guys, right? I’m sure we can figure it out. Look how much we’ve figured out already.” Cas grins, lightening the mood, and Dean’s mouth twists into a cautious, hopeful smile.

That night, they hash out a plan and decide to start it that weekend, even though they’ll have Lily and Alfie. It goes fairly well, all things considered, though it’s still a bit tough on both of them. They at least had Alfie and Lily to distract them, and he wonders if Cas wanted to start that weekend on purpose. By the middle of the next week, they see improvements, and Dean has to admit that Cas was pretty spot on, which only serves to remind him how much he doesn’t really need Dean’s input. On top of that, he’s had less time with them, since he’s had a bunch of school events to attend after hours this week. He goes to school on Thursday with a little less pep in his step.  

After Dean leaves, Cas glances at the boys, who have recently found their fists and are chomping happily on them. “We have a mission today, boys,” he says. They don’t understand him, but they smile anyway. He makes a few phone calls, then lays the boys down for their morning nap and works on his book for a bit. When they wake, he feeds them, changes them, and gets them strapped into their car seats. He packs the double stroller into the minivan and drives to Dean’s workplace.

Jody greets him in the office, since he called her ahead of time to find out when would be the best time to come by.

“Oh, look at you boys! Oh my gosh, you are so handsome and so big!” she gushes. Ms. Moseley, the school nurse, comes around the corner and immediately crouches down to talk to them. They are fascinated by her and reward her efforts with squeals. Cas takes each of the boys out of their seats so they can receive eager cuddles. Jo joins them in the office shortly after and takes her turn before they bid the office adieu and Jo leads Cas to Dean’s classroom.

It’s been a while since Cas has been in an elementary school (other than for events for his nieces and nephew), and he forgot how crowded and busy they can be and how often he needs to watch for darting children. Several classrooms are in the hall, getting coats on to head out for recess. Cesar and Crowley both catch a glimpse of him and saunter over before he makes it through the crowd.

“You must be Cas,” Cesar says, then introduces himself and Crowley. “Dean’s told us a lot about you.”

“Constantly,” Crowley snarks, but the tone is affectionate. They bend down to speak to the babies for a couple of minutes before tending to their students.

Cas assumes he’s misunderstanding. “He talks about the babies quite a bit?” Cas asks Jo.

“The babies and you,” she confirms. “Gosh, it’s like he’s a happily married father or something.” She winks and Cas feels his heart leap.

She stops and knocks on Donna’s door, then knocks on Dean’s door and enters. Dean is in the middle of a circle time activity, something about the alphabet.

“Hello, Ms. Harvelle. Class, what do we say when someone enters the room?”

“Good mooorning, Ms. Harveeeelle,” the students recite, elongating some of the syllables.

“Good morning! It’s so wonderful to see you! I have a special guest with me. Three, actually. I need you all to be very quiet so we don’t scare our guests, okay? Gentle voices, gentle hands.”  

“Gentle voices, gentle hands,” they repeat as they place their hands in their laps.

“Good! Okay, are you all ready?” They answer yes in unison. “And are you ready, Mr. Winchester?”

“I’m ready, Ms. Harvelle,” he says, shooting her a questioning look. Cas snickers to himself in the hallway, where he can just see Dean through the door.

“Okay. Special guests, please come in!”

Hearing his cue, Cas strolls through the door that’s been opened wide by Jo. A brief look of panic crosses his face, but disappears with Cas’ reassuring smile. He guesses that Dean jumped to some negative conclusion, panicking like he’s receiving a middle-of-the-night phone call.

“Hey, guys!” Dean beams once he figures out all is well. His students are wiggling in excitement, but they stay in their spots. Cas is impressed. He lifts Robbie out of his seat and hands him to Dean, then unstraps Jamie. Upon seeing Dean, Jamie’s lip quivers, then he bursts into tears. “Oh hey, hey, sweetheart, it’s okay,” Dean soothes the boy as he takes him from Cas. Jamie nestles into his favorite spot, just between Dean’s clavicle and heart, and he settles. Cas smiles fondly as his son calms himself in his Dee’s arms. Jamie has missed Dean this week.

A commotion behind them turns heads and Donna walks into the classroom, her students following like ducklings behind her. Cas is pleased to see her. Dean speaks of Donna often, and Cas enjoyed her when she visited a couple of times over the summer. Her students obediently fall into the circle area with Dean’s class. They’ve clearly done this a few times. Donna stands next to Cas and gives him a hug while Dean takes over the classes, using his authoritative voice to get their attention. Cas breathes through the little shiver that zings through his chest.

“Everybody, this is Jamie and Robbie, and our grown-up guest is Dr. Milton. What do we say when we welcome our guests?”

“Good mooorning,” they start, but fall apart when they get to the names, some of them forgetting, others saying the names in different orders from each other. Dean prompts them to try again, asking them to repeat after him, and they’re much more successful.

“Good morning,” Cas chuckles. “It’s so nice to meet you. Mr. Winchester talks a lot about how wonderful you all are.” Forty or so faces beam at him, and he can’t help but think that someday his boys will be sitting on little mats in circle time, too.

“So, Dr. Milton, would you like to share with the class why you’ve come to visit today?” Dean asks, clearly fishing for the answer himself without wanting to look clueless in front of his students.

Before he can answer, a little girl wearing tie-dyed leggings in the front asks, “Mr. Winchester, are those your babies?”

“Yes, they’re on his desk!” another girl, this one wearing a purple dress, pipes up.

“Remember to raise your hand, Ayla.  We’ll have time for questions after, okay?”

“Are you guys married?” a blond boy at the edge of the circle shouts.

“ _Yes_ , Noah,” Purple Dress says exasperatedly to the boy. “He’s on the desk, too!”

“Guys,” Dean says as the children start chattering. He looks to Donna and indicates his full arms; Donna gets the message and claps her hands in a rhythmic pattern that the class repeats automatically. They immediately quiet down. “Thank you, class,” he continues. “Like I said, there will be time for questions at the end. Dr. Milton?”

“Good morning. You may call me Mr. Cas, or just Cas,” he says, turning to the class once again. “Jamie, Robbie, and I came to surprise Mr. Winchester with a visit. See, we’re both teachers for our jobs, but we’ve also been very busy teaching at home, too. We’re teaching the boys how to sleep. Who remembers learning how to sleep?” The students look at each other and ponder the question, but no one raises a hand. “I don’t remember learning how, either. I bet no one does. But we all did, and people who loved us very much taught us how. It’s hard work teaching babies how to sleep.”

“I just close my eyes and _boom_! I’m sleeping!” a dark-skinned boy with a striped shirt and playful brown eyes interjects. Cas smiles.

“Yes, because you learned so well that it’s easy for you now. But babies have to learn how to relax themselves, and they don’t know how at first, so they cry.” A chorus of _aww_ s carries through the crowd.

“Poor babies!” Purple Dress says.

“Yes, I know. It makes us sad, too. But you know what? Mr. Winchester has helped them so much. He gives them extra cuddles before they go to bed, and when they fuss he tells them what a good job they’re doing and not to give up, and guess what? They’re learning. Know why? Because Mr. Winchester is a great teacher, isn’t he?” Both classes smile and nod and yell their agreement. “Yes, he is. But teaching is hard sometimes, and Mr. Winchester has been very busy at home and here at school. So we just came to visit him to remind him of how awesome he is, and what a great teacher he is, and how special he is to us, because we kinda missed him today.” He looks at Dean, whose eyes and small smile are warm and filled with emotion. “So, that’s it,” Cas finishes.  

“Okay!” Dean jumps in, shaking off the rush of warmth inside him. “Who has questions? Remember to raise your hand and wait quietly and patiently for your turn. Ayla?”

“Are those your babies?” Ayla asks again, not satisfied by her friend’s earlier answer.

“They are,” Dean answers. It’s not the truth (though it feels like it more and more), but he has to keep up the charade.

“And your babies?” she asks Cas.

“Yes, we’re adopting them.”

“But how can they have two daddies?” a boy in the back asks. “‘Cause you’ll both be ‘Daddy’ and they’ll be mixed up.”

Cas smiles at this child’s notion of why the babies can’t have two daddies. It’s refreshing. “Well, see, that’s why we have different names. I’m Dad and he’s Dee. Dad-Dee. Daddy. Get it?” The kids laugh at Cas’ explanation, but Dean’s eyes widen subtly.  

He and Dean both answer questions about the kids and their abilities, then they ask to see the babies up close. Cas lets Dean take over and he sits at Dean’s desk to be out of the way and let Dean have his time. He glances at the photos on the desk, his eyes dancing affectionately over them until he gets to the last one. It’s the photo they took the morning Jamie smiled for the first time. They look tired but happy, a perfect little family. It hurts a little that he can’t have that, not the way he wants it. He wonders briefly who had this framed for him, but then he recognizes the frame as one that had been in Dean’s room, taken from his apartment. It used to hold a picture of him and some college friends. Dean framed this himself. His breath catches in his chest. It feels good knowing that Dean cares enough about him to have a photo of him (with the babies, of course) at work.  

Soon it’s time for the class to go to gym, so Cas and the babies walk down with Dean’s class. Benny wraps up with the previous class and seems startled to see Dean holding a baby, with Cas and another baby at his side. Cas eyes him steadily. There’s an odd shadow that crosses over his face before he purses his lips and turns away to greet the class and give them instructions. When the door to the gym is closed and they’re alone, he turns to Dean and comments, “That must be Benny. I can see he hasn’t gotten any better.” Dean grunts and turns toward the hall.

They walk silently to Dean’s classroom, and Cas wonders if perhaps he made a mistake by coming here. He invaded Dean’s workplace without his permission, threw off his schedule, made him answer questions that were probably uncomfortable, and forced his personal life into his professional life. But when they arrive at his classroom and Dean closes the door, Cas gets a hug instead of a scolding.  

“Best husband ever,” Dean murmurs into Cas’ hair. They stay like that for a while, relaxing into each other’s presence, the babies between them enjoying the snuggle time. Eventually they part, and they take a walk through the school so Dean can show off the babies like the proud Dee that he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Cas is singing is “Believe It or Not,” which is the theme song to an 80s show called The Greatest American Hero. You might remember Castiel singing it in 9x06, “Heaven Can’t Wait.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear heavens, this chapter. I could hardly wait to post it. 
> 
> *I am putting a trigger warning in the end notes, just in case. Something happens and it’s quick, but for those who might want the heads up, it’s at the end. <3

They get the papers with their court date on October 29, the boys’ four-month birthday, and each day after, Dean reminds himself that he is not Robbie and Jamie’s father. He only reminds himself once on October 30, because they have Gabe and Kali’s Halloween party. They dress Jamie as a lion and Robbie as a bear, and Dean is too busy taking pictures and eating anniversary cupcakes Bobby made to remind himself. He reminds himself twice on October 31, once when he hands them to Ellen and Bobby to babysit so Cas and Dean can go for lunch and a matinee showing of _Beetlejuice_ for their anniversary (because they have to tell people what they did for their anniversary, of course, not because they were celebrating it or anything) and once when they’re at home handing out candy to the neighborhood kids and he daydreams about taking the boys out for trick-or-treating with Cas when they’re a little older. He makes an effort to remind himself at least twice a day after that, usually when he brushes his teeth. He expects strong, positive results from this daily reminder strategy. The only result he gets is that he starts to hate brushing his teeth.  

Claire comes to visit for the first time since the birth during the Veterans Day weekend, so he focuses his attention on her and forgets to do his daily reminders. She reinforces the opposite of what he’s trying to convince himself of, telling him that he looks so happy to be their dad. He doesn’t try to argue with her, even though she knows the whole story; it would be disrespectful and selfish to do so when she’s being so brave to visit the boys she placed with them. There’s a lot of crying that weekend, but it works out okay. When she leaves to head back to college, she kisses them softly, gives them to Cas and Dean, and says she’s sad but happy. They all seem to understand each other. She promises to visit again.

Dean triples up on the reminders then, knowing that the big Thanksgiving holiday is approaching, and then the boys’ five-month birthday on November 29 and their final adoption date on December 7. When thrice-daily reminders are defeated by the power of gummy smiles and rolling over and evening snuggles before bed, Dean tries for four times a day. He’s starting to feel like a madman, compulsively telling the same story over and over.

All of it comes to a grinding halt two days before Thanksgiving.

Dean’s classroom has been a cesspool of germs. Kids have been coughing and sneezing and wiping their noses on their sleeves. Dean’s picked up more wet, wadded-up tissues than he can count. But everyone’s spirits are good, at least, and they put on an adorable Thanksgiving show the Friday before break, focusing on all of the things they’re thankful for. Parents and siblings are there, and Cas is there, too, with the babies. They get lots of attention, of course, from students, parents, and teachers alike.  

On Tuesday, the last day of school for the students before break, the babies wake up cranky. Dean and Cas pick them up and try to feed them, but they both refuse their bottles and fuss.  

“It’s going to be a long day, I think,” Cas murmurs.

“Teething, probably?”

“Probably.”

“Who knew sprouting teeth could be such a bitch? Glad I don’t remember it,” Dean comments, kissing Robbie’s head. He feels a bit warm from all his fussing.

“Language, Dean,” Cas reminds him. They’re making efforts to watch their mouths now that the boys are getting a bit older. “I’ll call Hannah and tell her not to bother coming by. She’ll probably appreciate the time to herself, anyway, since the kids will be home for several days.” Cas finishes that task, and Dean gives Robbie to Cas with a sympathetic grimace before he heads out the door.

At school, during the kids’ time in music with Jo, Dean checks his phone and frowns.

_Cas 10:10am: They’re coughing from all the teething drool. I can barely get them to eat._

_Cas 12:24pm: I think our teething theory was wrong. It seems like the kids have a cold. Their noses are running. Do you know where that blue suction ball thing is that we got at the shower?_

_Cas 12:31pm: Never mind, I found it and used it… Why didn’t anyone tell us how glamorous parenting can be? :)_

Dean smiles at the last text, but his worry overpowers his brief amusement. He calls Cas.

“Hello, Dean.” He sounds fried.

“Hey. The kiddos okay?”

“Well, they’re cranky and their noses are clogged and they’re coughing from the congestion, but other than that, great.”

“Smartass. Do you need me to come home?”

“No, you only have a few hours left. I’m hoping I can get them down for a nap soon, if they’ll let me. Actually, can you pick up one of those vaporizers? It might help with the congestion. If you can’t find one I’m sure one of my siblings probably has one.”

“Yeah, of course. Have you eaten?”

“Are you kidding? I can't even pee. Their diapers are starting to look really appealing.”

In spite of himself, Dean laughs. “Been clingy, huh?”

“I’ve known barnacles less clingy than the boys today.”

Dean laughs again. He’s happy Cas has been able to keep his sense of humor. He certainly seems more and more comfortable with his abilities as a father.

“Alright, well, let me know if you need anything else. I’ll bring home takeout.”

“I bequeath a multitude of cosmic brownie points upon you and your kin.”

“Dork,” Dean teases.

After they hang up, Dean calls Laurel, who he knows took this week off from work.

“Hello, honey,” she greets him. She greets all of her children and grandchildren this way. It always makes Dean feel loved and included.

“Hey, Ma.” He called her that as a joke once and she loved it, so he’s continued with the affectionate moniker. “I have a favor to ask. The babies are sick, and Cas needs a break. Do you have time to stop by?”

“Oh, of course! I’ll go right over.”

“Awesome. Do you have a vaporizer thingy?”

“Oh, um, I think so.”

“If you do, can you bring it? I’m gonna buy one on my way home, but sounds like they could use it sooner rather than later.”

“Of course. I’ll bring Cas some food, too.”

“Perfect. Thanks, Ma.”  

The rest of his work day seems to drag like a really bad movie, but finally the kids board the buses or are picked up by caregivers and he’s free. He runs to Target and picks up the most expensive vaporizer ( _Must be the best one, right?_ his practical mind says) and the little medicine packs that go into it (the sample on display smells like the same stuff that his mother used to rub on his chest when he was sick), plus extra diapers and some frozen meals that can be microwaved quickly so they don’t have to worry about making anything. He picks up some roasted chicken and mac and cheese at Boston Market, then heads home.  

It looks like a bomb went off in the house. Half-full bottles, pacifiers, and tissues litter the kitchen, dining, and living rooms. There’s an abandoned blanket on the floor, crumpled up. The air smells like the vaporizer stuff. Dean finds Cas and Laurel in Cas’ room. It’s dark and a vaporizer is running. Cas is still in his pajamas; he waves gently at Dean so he doesn’t disturb Jamie.

“Hey. Got everything we need,” Dean says quietly.  

At Dean’s voice, Jamie starts to wriggle and whine. He rounds the bed and takes Jamie in his arms. Jamie bobs and rubs his head on Dean’s chest and lets out a series of tiny coughs.

“Why don’t you boys go and eat, and I’ll watch them both for a bit? Robbie’s sleeping, so I’ll put him down and take Jamie,” Laurel offers. Dean tries to argue, but Cas gently pulls at his sleeve.

“I think it’s going to be a long night. Accept the help,” Cas implores.

Turns out Cas is right on with his prediction.

The boys are fussy the rest of the evening. Cas showers with each of them, hoping the steam and the warmth from the water will help. They do seem more relaxed for a while, but ramp up again shortly after. They scream unless they’re in Cas and Dean’s arms. It is, indeed, a long night.

Dean feels horrible for having to go to work the next day for their in-service, and as he looks at Cas sleepily tending to the sick children, he decides he’s not going to. He calls out and stays home with Cas and the boys. They take the kids to the doctor that morning, but the doctor on call for sick visits downplays their concerns and says it’s just a cold; he recommends fluids and rest and tells them “this is normal” and “things are going around” and that they’re just having “new parent panic” and they “need to stop worrying about every little sniffle.” The men playfully argue on the way home about who wanted to punch the condescending physician more.  

Their congestion gets worse (and yeah, that blue sucker thing is simultaneously fun to use and really disgusting) and their coughing gets worse, too. They eat and sleep very little. By the end of the day, when they’re eating two very unsatisfying salisbury steak frozen dinners, Cas and Dean decide that Thanksgiving dinner is not in the cards this year. (Seeing the worry on Dean’s face, Cas doesn’t even bother trying to tell him he can go be with his family for the holiday.) They call their families and break the news. Gabe and Kali, who are hosting this year, offer to postpone the huge family celebration. Cas and Dean refuse, not wanting to disappoint Cas’ nephew and nieces. They know how much children hate having their traditions messed with, whatever the reason.  

The boys finally fall asleep around 10:00, and Cas and Dean ignore the wrecked state of the house and go to bed. Two hours later, Dean wakes up to check on the boys, but they aren’t there. A dim light is shining under Cas’ door; he peeks in and finds them laying on Cas’ bed, Cas propped up on one elbow.

“Everything okay?” Dean asks.

“I couldn’t sleep. I just didn’t feel right having them alone in their bedroom,” Cas whispers. Dean wanders to the edge of the bed. He kneels on the floor and strokes Robbie’s fine, blond hair.

“I know what you mean. I slept for an hour or two, but it’s like my brain was constantly on alert.” Cas nods in agreement. “Are you gonna keep them here?”

“Yes. I want to keep an eye on them. No matter what that horrible doctor said, I’m worried.”

Dean nods. He stares at the boys, his own worry burning his lungs until it feels like he can’t breathe. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if something is seriously wrong with their boys. _Cas’_ boys. _Goddamnit_. “So, uh… you got this under control, then?”

“Yes.”  

“Okay.” Dean licks his lips and nods again, then looks away. He doesn’t want Cas to see his anguish. As he moves to stand, Cas says, “But, Dean, if you want to stay...”

It takes less than a second for Dean to slide onto Cas’ bed. They smile at each other softly in thanks.

The worried men stare at the boys for a while and listen as their breaths quicken and slow, punctuated by wheezing and harsh coughing. They each tuck a boy close to them, resting their hands in the space between the boys’ bodies. Dean feels the light stroke of a fingertip along his pinky; he tilts his head up to meet Cas’ watery, anxious eyes. He flips his hand open and Cas slips his hand into Dean’s. They squeeze gently, neither sure who’s reassuring who.  

Cas shakes Dean awake a while later; he didn’t realize he’d fallen asleep.  

“Dean. Dean! We need to take the babies in!” Cas cries, his voice more panicked than anything Dean’s heard before. “Robbie stopped breathing!”

Dean feels like his heart is choking him as he shoots upright.

“It was just for a few seconds, but… oh God... Dean, we have to go!”

Both babies are crying (which Dean has never been so relieved to hear). He scoops up Jamie, as Cas already has Robbie, and they quickly get them into their car seats and throw shoes and coats on before they slam out the door and into the night.

The results at the hospital are conclusive: Respiratory Syncytial Virus, or RSV. According to the much nicer, not-at-all-condescending physician, RSV is quite common but can be riskier to young infants. It can cause a host of breathing problems, including apnea, which Robbie experienced. Both the boys have developed bronchiolitis. They give the babies oxygen for a while, and after a few hours, they decide they are going to keep them for a couple of days to stabilize them. While Cas stays with the boys and completes admission paperwork, Dean steps out to let Sam, who texted him saying they were in the waiting room, know what’s happening.

He didn’t expect “they” to be everyone in Cas and Dean’s families, who are supposed to be enjoying their Thanksgiving.

“How are your boys?” Laurel asks. _Your_ _boys_. Everyone waits with worried faces for his answer, no one flinching at her words. Dean, overwhelmed with the events of the last few days, their families’ support, and his own feelings for the children he can no longer deny he loves as his own, breaks down and sobs.  

The boys are in the hospital for two days and are considerably better when they get home. Cas is utterly relieved. He never again wants to experience the terror of seeing his child not breathing. They keep Saturday mellow, not worrying about the housework (which is mostly done thanks to some house-cleaning fairies who wished to remain anonymous), instead holding the babies close and enjoying the first smiles they’ve seen from them in several days. Their families postponed Thanksgiving dinner until Sunday, and they decided to all converge on Gabe and Kali’s, even Dean’s family. Cas feels so… _blessed_ is the only word he can think of. He feels blessed that his children — and him, by extension — have this wonderful, even larger family. He feels most blessed to have Dean, who was his rock in this entire ordeal, whether he knows it or not. It’s not that he was strong and stoic and knew just what to do. No, it was the reverse — he was scared and emotional and uncertain, just like Cas, and having someone who loves the children as much as he does, who felt his pain and knew exactly what he was going through, made the whole thing easier to bear. He felt a true partnership with Dean. It wasn’t the sort of partnership he’d really like to have, but it was still important and strong and he treasured it. Treasures _him_ , even now as the crisis has passed.  

Cas notices that Dean seems a little distant today — not in any sort of negative way, but just lost in thought. Preoccupied. He guesses he probably is, too. He’s not surprised when Dean mentions that he has to go see his mother tonight. He promises to be back before the kids go to bed, and that’s good enough for Cas. He bids him goodbye and enjoys a little playtime with the boys in between nose wipings.

Dean, having indeed been preoccupied with his thoughts all day, sits in his mother’s living room and wrings his hands. His mother watches him and waits. He takes a deep, steadying breath and says, “Mom… I don’t know what to do.”

“About what, sweetheart?”

“About the kids. Their adoption is coming up soon and…” He starts to breathe heavily. Words won’t come without tears, and he doesn’t want to cry, so he sits and breathes.

“Are you having second thoughts?”

“You could say that,” he says, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.

“About having your name as part of the adoption or about being Uncle instead of Daddy?”

Dean rubs his forehead and squeezes his eyes shut. “I love them, Mom. I want… I wanna be their dad. Like, for real.”

“I know, sweetie.”

Dean looks up. “You do?”

“Anyone who’s been around you with those boys knows that.”

Dean wipes his hands on his pants, then covers his face. “And I can’t,” he says, voice cracking.

“Why not?”

“Why not? Because I’m not fit to be a father! Christ, I’m just like Dad. Everyone knows that.”

“Dean Winchester, you love pie and rock music and the Impala. You’re outgoing and stubborn. That’s how you’re like your father. But the way you’re thinking, Dean? No, you are not like your father. Not that way. You wouldn’t leave your children.”

“But how do we know that?”

“Because you haven’t. And because you know what it’s like. You would never want to cause Jamie and Robbie that kind of pain.”

Dean shakes his head vehemently. “No. Never. But what if I do, like, ten years from now? What if I just stop giving a shit, like Dad did? What if…”

“Dean, listen. Your father and I had a lot of problems. We were young and we fell in love, and we got married without really understanding everything that meant. When the problems started, we pretended everything was okay and passed it off as just new marriage stuff. Then we had kids and still pretended everything was okay and passed it off as new parenthood problems. Eventually we couldn’t pretend anymore, but he refused to get help with me. He turned to other women instead, thinking it was a problem with _me_ and not a problem between _us_. He found someone, and he turned his back on everything and everyone, thinking he’d solved his problem. But that’s not you, Dean. You’re mature and responsible. You see a problem and you try to solve it. You love children. You know the pain of abandoning them. And you and Cas have a wonderful relationship, full of respect and caring. He would kick your ass if you tried to leave those boys.”  

Dean laughs despite himself, knowing that’s exactly what Cas would do. “That’s something else, though… how can I do that to Cas? I did this for _him_ , and now I wanna go and stick myself where I don’t belong, where I wasn’t invited. He might want to get remarried someday and want that guy to be their dad.”  

“Dean, I think you need to speak with Cas.”

“But…”

“Dean. Don’t jump to conclusions. Talk to Cas.”

As promised, Dean is home before the boys’ bedtime, though they’re getting quite groggy. He looks haggard, and Cas wonders what the hell has him so wound up. He calms some as he holds each baby. He asks Cas if he can do the bedtime routine alone tonight, and Cas agrees, sensing that Dean deeply needs it.

Cas is loading the dishwasher when Dean takes his arm and asks if they can talk. They sit in the living room, bent toward each other, and Cas waits.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Dean starts, and Cas’ gut churns in fear. _He’s leaving._

“Direct is best,” Cas says, willing his voice not to shake like the rest of him is. Dean nods.

“Okay. Um, thing is, when we started all this I didn’t… I mean, I just thought… Fuck.” He wipes his hand down his face. _Well, at least he seems to feel bad about it,_ Cas thinks bitterly. Dean seems to find his words and continues, “Remember what you said to me when they were born? How you’d die for them, kill for them, because you love them so much?”

“Yes. It’s still true.”

“Yeah, I know. Thing is, uh… it’s true for me, too. I love them, Cas.” At that admission, the dam breaks. “I love them so much, and I always thought I’d be a shitty dad because I’m like my father but my mom says I’m not like him that way and I was always scared about being a dad because I didn’t want to screw a kid up but now I don’t think I would because I would do and give anything to them and I can’t imagine not wanting the best for them or leaving them and I can’t imagine my life without them and….”

This conversation isn’t going the way Cas thought it was going to, and if it’s going where he now suspects it is, he is absolutely thrilled. “Dean, breathe. What are you trying to tell me?”

Dean looks up at him, tearful and hopeful, and Cas knows without another word. Yet his heart still sings when Dean says, “I want to be their father, Cas, like you are.”

“Oh, Dean,” he whispers before pulling him into his arms.  

“I know this isn’t what you expected,” Dean says against Cas’ shoulder, still thinking he has to justify his desire, “and I know that someday you might want someone else to be their dad, but….”

“Hey,” Cas says, pushing him gently back until they’re facing each other, “Listen to me. You love our boys. You’ve been with them from the beginning. I want you to be their father. Their real, forever father. And no one will ever take your place.”

For a moment, all they do is stare at each other. “Our boys,” Dean smiles through watery eyes before his face falls again. “But Cas, your new husband might want to adopt them, and…”

“What, you’re marrying me off already?”

“I’m just sayin’...”

“Dean. You’re going to be on all the legal papers. You will have every legal right to them as I will, so you could contest any attempt at that, even though I would never do that to you.”

“I know, Cas. But your husband…”

“Is being ridiculous,” Cas teases gently, brushing Dean’s tears off his face.

“Cas, I’m serious.”

“So am I, Dean. First of all, the chances of me marrying again are pretty damn slim. No one’s going to look at me and say, ‘Ooh, pushing 40, two young kids, living in suburbia, driving a minivan… mmm, hot.’” Dean snickers and relaxes in Cas’ hold. “Not to mention they’ll see my hot-ass first husband and be completely intimidated.” Now Dean laughs aloud and shakes his head. He still clings to Cas. “Frankly, Dean, chances are better that you’ll get married. If that happens, will you try to take the boys away from me so your wife can adopt them?”

“Of course not, Cas, I would never do that!” he says indignantly. “Although, let’s be honest, I ain’t gettin’ married again. I’ve already had the best.” He pinches Cas’ cheek, and Cas rolls his eyes.

“Alright, so no spouses to worry about. But even if, by some miracle, I found someone, or you did, those partners would be what legions of people married to partners with children are: stepparents. Simple as that.”

“Yeah?” Dean asks as he searches Cas’ face.

“Yeah,” Cas confirms. “We are their fathers, Dean. You and me. Always.”

Dean’s lip quivers as he swallows. “I’ll never abandon them, Cas, I swear.”

“I know you won’t, Dean.” They stare at each other silently for a moment, making promises with their eyes.

“Thank you, Cas. Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Dean chants, his voice breaking as he throws himself back into his husband’s arms.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning for child illness and brief moment when one of the children stops breathing. 
> 
> So, how are you all? What did you think? :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pure fluff and love and joy. :)

The boys wake up in good spirits on Sunday, as if they know the momentous news from the night before. Dean gets to their room first and looks at their smiling faces in a whole new way, knowing that he is theirs and they are his forever. “Hey, guys,” Dean smiles widely. They kick their feet and grin. “How are my sons this morning? Yes, that’s right! You’re my boys and I’m your Daddy! What do you think, huh? Is that okay?” He picks up one in each arm and kisses their cheeks, even though they have crusty mucus and saliva residue dried on them. “Dad and Dee talked, and you guys are gonna have two daddies who love you sooo much. Can I just tell you that your Dad is the most awesome guy ever? Or did you already know that? Oh, you knew that already. Well, I agree! He is! Yes, he is!” Dean places Jamie back in the crib so he can change Robbie’s diaper, then he does the reverse to change Jamie’s. Freshly diapered, he takes them both in his arms again. “I love you guys so much, do you know that? You’re gonna get sick of hearing it, but I’m gonna tell you every day.” The babies coo and squeal. “Yes, every day! Now, we have to discuss something serious. Today is our Thanksgiving. That doesn’t mean much to you this year, but next year it means pie. Mmmhmm, pie for you and pie for you! Yes! Dad will probably say no in that deep Dad voice, but I’ll sneak some to you anyway because I can! Because I’m your Daddy! Yes!” He turns to the door to find Cas, lips pursed and arms crossed, in the doorway. He raises an eyebrow.  

“Uh, hey, how much of that did you hear?” Dean asks casually, a slight blush coloring his cheeks.

“Enough,” he answers. Cas heard the entire thing, from “How are my sons” to “Because I’m your Daddy,” and he thought his heart might explode from all the happiness it held within it. Still, he plays it cool. “So, pie, hmm?”

“The boys need pie, Cas. You’re not gonna be one of those ‘no sugar’ parents, are you?”

“Mmm. We might need to discuss how much pie. I’ve seen how much you can pack away.”

“Train ‘em early, Cas, that’s what I say,” he grins.  

Cas raises his brow again before breaking into a bright, ear-to-ear smile, shaking his head. He steps close to Dean. “You are incorrigible,” he murmurs, still smiling. He takes Robbie, who’s reaching for him, and turns toward the stairs. “Daddy wants to feed you pie, huh? Maybe you’ll have pie instead of cake for your first birthday, hmm? I bet you will if Dee has his way. Yes.” He tickles the boy’s neck as they trot down the stairs. Dean stares after him, biting on his lip to distract himself from the fluttering in his belly.

They feed and clothe the babies, squeeze in their morning nap, and clean the house before heading to Gabe and Kali’s. The house is packed. Lily’s pitching a fit in the corner, and Michael is dealing with her tantrum. Shara, Anji, and Nalia are prancing around in princess costumes, pretending to ride horses and getting in everyone’s way. Laurel is their queen and is trying to corral them. Alfie and Eileen are playing an intense game of checkers. Anna, Sam, and Gabriel are mashing and buttering sides, Sam and Gabriel debating the best mashing method. Kali and Hannah are setting the table. Mary and Ellen are chatting as they set up the kids’ table. Bobby has Ella in his lap and is trying to stay out of the way. It’s chaotic, and Dean loves it. Cas and Dean trade looks, then smiles, and announce that they’ve arrived.  

Cas’ family, like most families, has lots of little inside jokes and traditions, like how the cranberry sauce has to be cut into cubes because Mike thought it was Jello when he was little and how it’s just not Thanksgiving without Laurel’s Sweet Potato Casserole with Marshmallow Fluff on top instead of regular marshmallows (blame that one on Gabe and Anna eating all the marshmallows before the big day). They generously make room for Dean’s family’s jokes and traditions, such as the small bowl of salad just for Sam that’s covered in gravy “salad dressing” and the pie with one piece taken out by the Ghost of Thanksgivings Past as their offering for good luck all the next year. (Interestingly, Dean always has a dirty plate in his room that looks suspiciously like it was covered in pie.) Cas’ family also does the “what I’m grateful for” tradition, with a twist: they must have one serious thing and one silly thing, just for fun. They tend to try to top each other with the silly thing, Dean notices, and since the kids are in the other room it gets a little dirty (he now has an unwanted image of Gabe and Kali seared into his head), but they’re respectful and thoughtful with the serious one. He’s pleasantly surprised by Mike’s admission that he’s grateful for the conversation he and Dean had and the hard work that came after, because he and Hannah are stronger than ever and he is loving his life now. He’s curious as to what Cas will say.

“I’m thankful for… Bermuda,” Cas grins toward Dean, “and pacifiers, and hot food, and getting five consecutive hours of sleep. I’ll never take that for granted again.” Their families laugh, knowing just what he means. “And I’m thankful for Jamie and Robbie, and for crazy plans. I’m thankful for my family and friends, who have supported me, questioned me, challenged me, and ultimately been there for me and Dean and the boys. I am thankful for Dean’s family, who have taken me and the boys in as their own, who have supported us in every way. I’m thankful for Claire and her gift. And I’m thankful for Dean, my best friend, who has been my source of strength from the beginning. I’m thankful for his kindness and compassion, for dealing with all my crying — God, I’ve cried so much in the last year, it’s embarrassing,” he laughs, and everyone joins him. “I’m thankful for his humor and his encouragement and for everything he is. And I’m so thankful for all the love he’s given the boys. I am truly one lucky man.”

Dean stands up, nervous for their announcement. “Uh, what he said,” he smiles. “Seriously. All of you have been awesome. I’ve felt really accepted in this family, and you guys have supported us even if you weren’t sure you should. Um, and I’m grateful for Claire, who’s just an amazing woman and who taught me a lot. And for the people I work with who’ve been really awesome. And for the boys, who I love more than anything or anyone in this world. Sorry, everyone.” They all laugh as he continues, “And God, I’m grateful for Cas. Um, I never had a best friend before, so I can’t believe how much I lucked out by getting the best possible person in existence to be mine.” Cas smiles at him affectionately, and Dean meets his eyes before looking away shyly. “And I’m grateful for pie and German food and shirts that hide spit-up really well.” Their families laugh and applaud, thinking that Dean is finished and they can move on to other conversation. Everyone’s attention is drawn to them again when Cas stands next to him.

“One more thing, something all four of us are thankful for,” Cas says. He takes each of the babies out of their highchairs, handing Robbie to Dean. “As we said, we are both so incredibly thankful that we have these two little ones, who we love dearly and can’t imagine our lives without. We both wanted them to have the best parents they could have…”

“But they’re stuck with us, so…” Dean jokes, and Cas grins and elbows him gently. Dean presses himself next to Cas tightly, so he rests a hand on Dean’s back in support. He knows Dean has been nervous about the reactions they’ll get.

“Yes, they’re stuck with us. But no one will ever love them more. They are our sons, and we are their fathers. Both of us, now and forever.”

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Eileen, ever the observant one, asks with a smile. 

“I’m gonna be their dad, too,” Dean says with a small smile, waiting for the reaction.  

Choruses of “Oh my God!” and “That’s awesome!” greet his ears, and he’s converged upon by several of their family members. He cannot stop smiling as he hears “We knew it” and “You’re such a great dad” and “Those boys are so lucky.” Once everything dies down, Kali asks, “So, does this mean you two are…” she clicks her tongue and bumps her fists together. Curious eyes turn toward the fathers, and Dean blushes.  

“No, I haven’t brought him over to the Dark Side,” Cas jokes, patting Dean’s shoulder.  

“So how’s this gonna work, then?” Anna asks. “Are you guys just gonna live together and raise the kids?”

They look at each other and shrug. “Essentially,” Cas answers. “If Dean ever wants to move out or if he meets someone he wants to spend his life with, we would share custody.”

“Or if Cas does, which is way more likely.”

“I told you, Dean…”

“There are plenty of guys who love soccer dads…”

“Really? Because I haven’t met them…”

“Dude, you’re a DILF. Me, I’m a doof.”

“I hardly think so. You’re handsome and smart and have two adorable children and you’re a Kindergarten teacher, which is much more attractive to women…”

“Handsome, huh?”

“Devastatingly,” Cas says, rolling his eyes.

“Well, you’re devastatingly handsome, too,” Dean retorts, “and you have dating experience. I’ve never wanted to date any woman I’ve met.”

“I don’t understand that. You’re such a romantic. Is it the women you’re choosing?”

“Hell if I know…”

“Hey guys? Your food’s getting cold,” Sam says with a sly smirk.  

“Aw, you had to interrupt, Samsquatch? I love dinner theater!” Gabe whines. Cas and Dean look around the table and notice amused eyes and smiles pointed their way. Cas clears his throat and sits, Dean following. They focus on the babies until the conversation turns toward safer topics.

The days leading up to the adoption are filled with the usual routine, but there’s a joyful undercurrent in the everyday that has them both smiling all the time. The kids recover from their illnesses and are back to their happy selves (notwithstanding the teething). They seem to sense something is very, very good in their lives, and they respond accordingly.  

At work, Dean treats everyone to doughnuts and sings show tunes ( _thanks for the earworm, Cas)_ in the teachers’ lounge. Not even a vomiting kid or two gets him down (though he is _very_ careful to disinfect). His colleagues seem to notice.

“What’s in your coffee lately? ‘Cause I want some of that!” Donna smiles at him one morning. He surprises her by taking her in his arms and dancing her around the lounge.

“The kids are better, me and Cas are great, our Thanksgiving redo was awesome, Christmas is coming, the final adoption date is almost here… life is good!” he says as he dips her. She giggles, and several of his colleagues smile or laugh. All but one, actually, who looks upon the scene with barely disguised disdain.  

“Jesus,” Benny mutters. Dean dances Donna over to him.

“It’s called happiness, Mr. Lafitte,” he says.“You should try it sometime.” He dances away again, not noticing the mixed emotions on Benny’s face.

Cas, meanwhile, falls back into his book project. He feels clear-headed and productive, and it shows in his work. Hannah notices, as well.

“You look about ten pounds lighter, I swear,” she says with a smile.

“That’s the sick-kids-in-the-hospital diet I went on,” he jokes, though it wasn’t a funny situation. “I don’t recommend it.”

“Not that, although you might’ve lost a couple there, too,” she remarks, scrutinizing him. “I mean your whole demeanor. You’re just… happier.”

“Yes, I am. My boys have two parents who love them and take care of them. It’s a tremendous relief. I know I could’ve done it by myself, but the more love and support they have, the better. Dean is such a wonderful, committed father.”

“He is. It’s too bad… you know, that things couldn’t work out even better. Know what I mean?”

He sighs and looks away. “Yes, well, that’s the way it goes. Can’t change orientation.”

“Would you go for it? If you could, I mean.”

“In a heartbeat,” he answers without hesitation, and they laugh together.

The day of the adoption, several members of their family show up at court to support Castiel and Dean. It’s lively and loving and everything Dean had hoped for but hadn’t dared to dream about until a week and a half ago. Naomi arrives, dressed in a smart pantsuit and smiling.  

“Big day, gentlemen,” she acknowledges as she shakes each of their hands.  

“We can’t thank you enough, Ms. Mullins,” Cas says.  

“Thank you, Naomi,” Dean adds.  

“It was my pleasure. It’s clear the two of you are absolutely in love.” The two men gulp. “And who wouldn’t be in love with these little ones?” she continues, caressing the babies’ cheeks as they smile at her. She looks at each of them and says, “I’ll see you inside.” She disappears, and they side-eye each other and exhale at the same time.

The proceeding is brief. Each of their names are confirmed (they keep the last name Milton at Dean’s insistence — “I hate long-ass last names, Cas”) and placed on their birth certificates, along with Cas’ and Dean’s. They are congratulated by the judge and take pictures with him afterward. The babies sleep through it all. They go out for an extended lunch with their families after, then head home for the babies’ afternoon naps.  

Cas toes off his shoes, strips off his suit jacket and tie, and collapses facedown on one side of the sectional couch. Dean copies his actions and collapses on the other side.  

“We did it. It’s over,” Cas murmurs. Though it’s only 2:30 in the afternoon, he feels drained.

“We did and it is,” Dean murmurs in response. His muscles feel slack and his head feels empty.

“Thank you, Dean.” He tries to pat him on the shoulder but can only reach his head, so he paws loosely at his hair. Dean chuckles and returns the gesture.

“Thank _you_ , Cas.” He drops his hand next to his head. “How would you like to celebrate?”

A thought sneaks into Cas’ brain and he snorts.

“What?”

“Nothing. God, I’m so tired.”

“Me too, man, and we didn’t even do anything strenuous. What’s the deal with that?”

“I think it’s mental exhaustion. We’ve carried the stress of this whole thing for months. Now that it’s done it’s like we put down the box we were carrying and realized how heavy it was.”

“Mmm. So… celebrate... how?”

Cas can’t help but snicker.  

“Alright, spill.”

“No, no. It’s not appropriate, and not doable, anyway. I don’t even know why it popped into my head.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing, nothing. It’s a couple thing.”

“We’re married, Cas.”

“Yeah… no. Not for this,” he snorts again. “Shit. I don’t even know why my brain went there. I haven’t even _thought_ about that for months.” He hides the exposed part of his face with his hand.

Dean finally gets it. He bursts into deep, throaty laughter. “Oh my God, Cas.”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean anything by it!” he laughs through his embarrassment.

“To celebrate our sons’ adoptions. For shame.”

“It’s a perfectly valid way to celebrate after a stressful time!”

“You are fucking hilarious, oh my God.”

“I’m tired! I can’t help what pops up!” Dean shrieks and rolls off the couch in breathless laughter at that. “Fuck,” Cas mutters, wiping his hand across his eyes.

“Yeah, that’s the message I’m gettin’, Cas.”

“I was thinking about blowjobs, not fucking!” Cas retorts, then adds hurriedly, “Not with you, or anyone else, just… the general idea of blowjobs is a very appealing way to celebrate… things!”

Dean looks up at him from the floor. “I can just see it now… ‘Hey, what’d you do to celebrate?’  ‘Oh, you know, had some lunch with the family, went home and…’” he gestures a blowjob with his fist and his tongue in his cheek, “‘...you know, the customary way one celebrates,’” he finishes, cackling once more.

“That’s fine, laugh it up,” Cas says. “I can take care of it myself, thanks.”

“You can’t do that,” Dean says, catching his eyes.  

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he teases. Dean’s eyes widen, and Cas lets him off the hook. “No, I can’t. It’d be great motivation to start yoga, though.” The friends laugh again until they’re spent and panting.

“How about massages and dinner?” Cas asks, finally calm and trying to forget his mortification at where his brain went. “We haven’t done a massage since Bermuda and we were supposed to go every month.”

“Sounds perfect, Cas. Hey, maybe, if we pay extra…”

“Go fuck yourself, Winchester.”

“I think that’s the advanced yoga class,” he grins.  

Cas hits him with a throw pillow until he cries for mercy.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much fluff in this chapter, and some forward momentum...
> 
> Hi everyone! So this is being posted quite early (my time) because I am leaving today for Bermuda! I’m hoping to see a moongate or two, and maybe stroll through the Botanical Gardens too. We’ll see. I don’t think I’ll have internet for a while, though, so what this means is:
> 
> 1) I won’t be able to respond to your amazing comments that I love so much until I have internet. :(  
> 2) I don’t know if I’ll be able to post on Tuesday. :(
> 
> If I get a connection for long enough, I’ll respond and post. If I only have enough time for one thing, I’ll post. :) If I can’t post on Tuesday, then I will post TWO chapters on Friday! Sorry for the inconvenience, but I can’t see paying a boatload of cash just for internet connection. I’m cheap. ;)

The weeks leading up to Christmas are busy, as they usually are, but now they barely have time to think. Cas, Dean, and the boys attend their nieces’ school and daycare winter parties and chorus performances and Alfie’s very memorable strings debut. (It’s not lost on either of them that they’ve started referring to Ella, Alfie, and all of Cas’ nieces as “theirs,” but they justify it as simply more convenient.) Cas attends Dean’s work party, and they are the center of attention all night — and not because they have the babies, because the babies are at home with Mary. No, his co-workers seem rather fascinated by… them.

“Tell us about Bermuda!”

“Oh, the two of you under the moongate… so sweet!”

“God bless you for living with him!”

“He’s a different person now that he’s with you.”

“He’s so happy, Cas.”

Dean and Cas both blush at the last two statements, which does nothing to quell Dean’s colleagues’ curiosity; instead, it earns them statements like, “You two are so cute!” that only deepen the blush. Cas does enjoy Dean’s colleagues quite a bit, though, and on the way home they decide to invite a few over during the winter break.

Cas brings Dean to his interdepartment work party, as well, which looks more highbrow but has no hope of being so with Balthazar and Ash there. Cas’ colleagues are better able to mask their curiosity, but they get many warm smiles and a few similar comments tossed their way, as well, from Ash’s “Way to go, dude,” to Billie’s “Marriage and fatherhood suit you, Castiel.” Balth and Charlie, of course, tease them privately and mercilessly.

A couple of weeks before Christmas, Cas and Dean bring the babies inside, then drag their Christmas tree into the house. They’re both worn out after Dean insisted they had to do this activity with the kids since it was their first Christmas.  

“I’m so glad we brought them. They were so helpful,” Cas snarks, tickling them each under the chin. Dean pouts and Cas tickles him under the chin for good measure. Dean laughs and slaps his hand away.  

“They were very helpful,” Dean retorts. “They helped us find the perfect tree.”

“Oh yes… let’s see, after we had to stop to change Jamie after he blew his diaper out…”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Dean shudders. “That was nasty.” Cas rolls his eyes.  

“All part of the dad privilege. And the ten minutes of crying because Robbie dropped his paci and I refused to give it back to him…”

“Eh, you could’ve blown on it and given it to him.”

“Gross, Dean. It was wet and had stuff sticking to it. And then, let’s not forget the splatter master’s gift to me after…”

“Told ya, should’ve given him his paci back. He got his revenge by puking on you.”

“I would’ve had another one to give him if you’d remembered to pack it.”

“We were in a hurry! Remember? You’re the one who wanted to get out of the house.”

“Oh sure, pin it on me.”

“Come on…” Dean says, pulling out his phone and opening his photo app. He tugs Cas close to him with an arm around his shoulders; Cas slides his arm around Dean’s waist so it’s not pinned awkwardly between them. “Look at them. Totally worth it, right?”

Dean flicks through the photos — one of Dean’s face between the boys, imitating their frowns at the chill in the air, two more of them as Dean lets them touch the needles (followed immediately by him trying to pry the prickly twigs from their iron grips as they brought them toward their mouths), a few of Cas and the boys, and a selfie of the four of them in front of their chosen tree, eyes bright and cheeks pink from the cold.  

“See? Totally worth it,” Dean says softly, still looking at the last photo.  

“Yeah, totally worth it,” Cas admits, resisting the urge to kiss the everloving fuck out of Dean then and there. The sudden heat of his thoughts toward him makes him slide away and turn his attention to the kids.

Cas and Dean do quite a bit of their shopping together (each trying to restrain the other from buying _too_ much for their sons), but when Cas thinks they’re done Dean says he still has more to do and goes out several times in the couple weeks before Christmas. Cas suspects something’s up, since he never comes back with anything, Dean’s excuse being that everything is either “in the car” (which he can’t help unload) or he “didn’t find what he was looking for.” He puts it out of his mind. It’s really not Cas’ business anyway, and he trusts Dean.

The boys’ first Christmas arrives, and it’s filled with a flurry of activity. Cas and Dean had to decide how to split the holiday between their families, and since neither wanted to just take the boys with them and not include the other, they find themselves shuttling around quite a bit. Dean’s family has celebrated on Christmas Eve the last couple of years to accommodate Sam and Eileen’s wish to have a low-key Christmas Day (and spend time with her parents when they can make it), so they enjoy a seafood dinner and way too many desserts with Mary, Bobby and Ellen, Jo, Sam, Eileen, and Ella. The boys’ first-ever Christmas gift is a set of pajamas, a tradition Mary had with her own boys. Cas is touched when he opens his own set of pajamas, and amused when Dean opens his. They change themselves and their boys into them immediately and pose for pictures, and even though they’ll have to drive home in their pajamas, it’s worth it. Sam and Eileen give the boys a xylophone and a set of maracas. Dean sends them both the evil eye, knowing they gave them the noisy toys on purpose, but secretly can’t wait to play with them himself.

After they get the kids to bed that night, Cas and Dean pull out the Santa gifts and the little gifts to stuff their stockings. They sit cross-legged on the floor and peel price tags off the gifts before they’re placed in their stockings.  

Dean fights with a particularly stubborn sticker. “We probably don’t need to pull the tags off. I mean, they’re babies. Are they really gonna notice?”

“Our babies are brilliant, Dean. Of course they’ll notice. But I agree, fuck this. I’m beat.” Dean laughs as Cas stuffs the pacifiers and books haphazardly into Jamie’s stocking. There’s too much to stuff, so he dumps everything out and starts over. “It’s like Tetris. Our kids had better appreciate what we’re doing for them,” Cas jokes. “What?” he asks, noticing Dean’s soft smile.

“I dunno. It’s just… the whole ‘our kids’ thing never gets old.” He smiles and focuses on his stocking for Robbie so he doesn’t have to look at Cas. “And I just… It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting in Christmas pajamas that my mom gave me, playing Santa for kids I never thought I’d have, next to my first real Christmas tree, and it’s even fuckin’ _snowing_ outside, and tomorrow we’ll do this huge family get-together.” He sits and stares at the finished stocking.  

“Overwhelming?” Cas guesses gently.

“Amazing,” Dean corrects him. “I mean, last year’s Christmas was okay even though we were stressed out with the whole interviewing birth parents thing, but most of my Christmases before that weren’t great. Mom tried, but once you become an adult it kind of loses its magic, you know? Sam was away at school for a while, and I had shit jobs while I was going through school and had to work some Christmases. We just had our own lives. Sam moved back with Eileen and that was cool, but it just wasn’t the same. And then with Ella, the focus got turned, and that’s fine ‘cause that’s the way it should be, but… I guess I felt kinda left out. Lonely.”

“I know what you mean,” Cas says. “Even though I have this huge family with my siblings and all their kids, who I love dearly, there was always this little bit of sadness for myself. No matter my success or material wealth, I didn’t have a family of my own. But this year, I do.” He takes both stockings and places them under the tree, since they don’t have any sort of fireplace mantel. “You’ve never had a real tree?” he asks.

“Nope. Was too much for my mom to go out and get one every year.”

“I understand. After my father died, that job became mine and my siblings’. I wish you’d told me last year. We could’ve gotten one instead of using the fake one I had in storage.” Dean shrugs, remembering the time as much too stressful to go to all that trouble, though he knows Cas would have.

Cas steps out of the room for a minute; Dean hears him rummaging through the fridge. He returns with two short glasses filled with eggnog. He hands one to Dean, then turns off the lamps, the string of lights on the tree providing the only illumination. It casts a soft glow around the room, as if it’s bathed in candlelight. He sits on the couch facing the tree and invites Dean to do the same with a smile and a silent hand, which he does.

“From the time I was able to have a Christmas tree of my own, I made a little tradition out of turning off all the lights and just enjoying the tree. I love the way the light bounces off the ornaments. This soft kind of light is not something we see much anymore.” He takes a sip of his nog and continues. “It’s always been a time of quiet reflection for me, or sometimes just a time to clear my mind of all the clutter. I’ve always done it by myself. Until now.” He takes another sip of his drink and tips his head back on the cushion, exhaling slowly.

Dean peers at him curiously. “Why?”

He shrugs. “Never had anyone I wanted to share it with.”

“So why me?” he asks quietly, feeling like the moment is a sacred one.

Cas turns his head and locks eyes with Dean. “I just thought you might be able to appreciate it.”

“I do,” he murmurs. Cas smiles and turns back to the tree, content to sit and reflect. Dean turns and admires it with him, his body lined up shoulder to ankle with Cas’, and lets the lights blur out of focus as he does some quiet reflection of his own.

The kids are a bit cranky from the Christmas Eve festivities and being out of their routine, but they come around after some morning cuddle time. The babies can’t rip gifts open yet, so Dean and Cas do it for them, Dean pretending to be each baby in turn (with fake voices and cries and witty commentary) and Cas laughing at his antics. Dean gives Cas several gift cards for dinners around town and a CD of the _Hamilton_ soundtrack, his current favorite Broadway show (“And yes, Cas, it has a digital download, you friggin’ geek”); Cas gives Dean a gift card for a local spa that’s good for six massages and a State Park Pass so they can visit a bunch of the state parks with the boys.

Christmas dinner is the usual Milton dinner lunacy, and it’s a load of fun as far as Dean’s concerned. He loves the liveliness and joviality of large families.  Mary joins them for dinner, generously invited by Laurel. The rest of Dean’s family have other plans, but promise to be by later for Dean’s special gift, the thing he’s been sneaking around doing. The afternoon brings more flying gift wrap than Dean thought possible, a few cranky, overexcited kids, and some worn-out parents, but everyone is smiling when the rest of Dean’s family arrives and Gabe eyes Dean and motions to the next room.

“All set, man?” Gabe asks when they’re alone.

“Yeah. Nervous as hell. This is cheesy, isn’t it?”

“Very. He’ll love it.”

Dean sure hopes so. He thought for a while about what kind of gift he could give Cas, but he always came up short. How could he possibly give him anything that comes close to what Cas has given him? There is nothing. But then he got an idea. He asked Gabe, a music and theater instructor, to help him. Cas loves this kind of sappy stuff (as does Dean, but that’s something most people don’t know), so Dean hopes it will be enough.

Gabe and Dean head back to the family room, where Laurel has gathered everyone. Cas sits on a loveseat with the boys. Curiously, no one sits next to him. Gabe sits at the upright piano and Dean sits next to Cas.

“Okay, so I didn’t know what to give you for Christmas that would be good enough,” Dean starts. Cas looks at him with confusion. They already exchanged gifts. “You’ve been going around the house singing this song, and I thought maybe I could do something with it. So I worked with Gabe and, well, here it is. Hope you like it.”  

As soon as the opening notes float from Gabe’s fingers, Cas knows the song. It’s “Dear Theodosia,” from _Hamilton,_  a song about the wonder of parenthood as told from the perspectives of two fathers. It seems very fitting. It’s even more fitting when Dean begins singing. He’s changed the words just for them. He holds Jamie’s hand and flicks his eyes between Jamie and Cas as he sings:

_Dear little Jamie, what to say to you?_

_You have our hearts, we’re proud you have our names_

_When you came into the world you cried, and it broke our hearts_

His voice is beautiful, tender and loving, and Cas presses his lips tightly to hold himself together.

_We’re dedicating every day to you_

_Domestic life was never quite our style_

_When you smile, you knock us out, we fall apart_

_And we thought we were so smart_

Cas laughs at Dean’s cheeky wink, then chokes up again at the change in the next line:

_You will come of age with strength and compassion_

_We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you_

_If we lay a strong enough foundation_

_We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you_

_And you’ll blow us all away_

Gabe sings the “someday” part while Dean repeats the last line. He kisses Jamie’s hand before switching to Robbie’s.

_Ooh, Robbie when you smile we are undone, our son_

_Look at our son_

_Pride is not the word we’re looking for_

_There is so much more inside us now_

_Ooh, Robbie you outshine the morning sun, our son_

_When you smile we fall apart_

_And we thought we were so smart_

Dean and Gabe sing in harmony now, and Cas’ tears won’t be stopped:

_Our fathers, they weren’t around_

_(Our fathers, they weren’t around)_

_We swear that we’ll be around for you_

_We’ll do whatever it takes_

_(We’ll make a million mistakes)_

_We’ll make the world safe and sound for you_

Dean and Gabe sing the final piece of the song, Dean’s eyes glued to Cas’ as “someday” fades from his lips. Their families clap and cheer, but Dean is watching Cas, who’s clinging to the boys and has tears streaming down his face. “Dean, gosh darn it,” Cas sobs, mindful of all the little ears around him. Dean laughs and wraps the three of them in his arms. The babies squirm and Dean takes each of them out of his arms, kissing them before giving them to Grammy and Nana. He waits for Cas to compose himself. Cas stands and paces in a small circle, then wipes his eyes with the backs of his hands. “I gave you a stupid park pass!” he cries, which throws Dean (and everyone else) into more laughter. Without the babies between them, Dean is able to give Cas a proper hug, so he stands and does just that.

“I love my park pass,” Dean whispers, his amusement impossible to restrain from his voice.

“Shut up,” Cas says, clinging tightly to Dean’s shirt near his shoulder blades. “I don’t think the two compare.”

“Nothing compares to what you gave me, Cas.”

“You’re awfully sentimental about a park pass,” he sniffs.

“Not that,” Dean says. He turns his head just enough to speak quietly in Cas’ ear, not daring to look at him. “You gave me your tradition that you never shared before, and you gave me a real Christmas tree, and you’ve given me a family, Cas. You’ve given me children, and people I can rely on. And you’ve given me friendship. I’ve made friends because of you, you know that? And you gave me... you gave me you. A song is nothing compared to everything you’ve given me.”

“You’ve given me all that, too,” Cas rasps, voice still watery and rough with emotion. He pulls back to look at Dean and grins. “Except the park pass.”  

“I’ll do better next year,” he smiles softly, looking into Cas’ eyes.  

“Uncle Dean, can we have pie now? I’ve been _waiting_ and _waiting_!” Anji whines. The girl likes her pie almost as much as Dean.

“Anjuli!” Kali chastises, but Cas and Dean laugh and break apart.

“Yes, I think we can have pie now,” Dean says. He picks Anji up and holds her in the crook of his arm.

“Good! You guys can kiss later because you’re gonna be ga-… um, I mean _just_ married forever. I’m hungry _now_ ,” she declares.  

Dean raises his brows. “Is that right? Well, we’d better get you some pie, then!” He glances over her head at Cas, who’s holding his hand to his cheek in embarrassment. “Well, at least she stopped saying gay married,” he grins with a wink before walking out to the kitchen.  

As everyone stands and moves to follow them, Cas closes his eyes and shakes his head ruefully. _I’m in love with my husband_ , he thinks. _Shit._

That night, after they put the kids to bed and he takes a shower to warm up a bit, Cas comes out to find Dean sitting in the same spot as last night, a glass of eggnog in his hand and a second on the table. Assuming that’s his invitation, he steps over Dean’s outstretched legs and plops into the space next to him.

“Would you rather be alone?” Cas asks.

“Nah. That’s why I got you the glass.” He slouches against the back of the couch and sighs.  

“Thank you.”

Cas stares at the tree, hyper-aware of his new (but not really) feelings flooding his brain. He tries to put a sliver of space between them, but Dean mistakes it as him adjusting himself to get more comfortable and does the same, leaning into him more heavily. It’s confusing. Dean, a man who once was spooked by affectionate, non-sexual touch, now seeks it. He does things that Cas keeps trying to call “thoughtful” but can also be called “romantic”: the song, obviously, but also the trip and everything that happened there. The times when he’s held his hand or hugged him and didn’t have to. The time he called his mom to help him when the kids were sick and the time he bought him flowers on their anniversary because Gabe had made a joke about it (and he remembered that Cas does, in fact, enjoy flowers). The everyday things, too, like when he brings home takeout that he knows Cas loves or orders more of the shampoo and body wash he raved about in Bermuda or picks up Cas’ coat from the chair and hangs it in the closet without bitching about it. Having a picture of the four of them on his desk. Having another picture of the four of them as his lock screen. Giving Cas a glass of eggnog and spending time in silence together. He wonders if Dean understands what all of it looks like to an outsider, or even to Cas. He knows Dean enjoys romance; he admitted as much on their trip. So maybe, because Cas does, too, he feels free to indulge that side of him. It feels good that his friend trusts him with that. It’s confusing and it hurts a little, because his true feelings aren’t reciprocated, but he’ll cope.

Dean stares at the tree and thinks about nothing except how perfect his life is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to take a moment to thank all of you for your support! You’ve been so patient and kind. 
> 
> The song, as mentioned, is “Dear Theodosia” by Leslie Odom Jr. and Lin-Manuel Miranda. If you’ve never heard it, check it out. Sing along using Dean’s words if you like, or enjoy the beautiful original as is.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No internet = no chapter on Tuesday. :( The good news — I’ll post two today! Here’s the first of two. I’ll post the next later today when I’m home with WiFi instead of data. ;)

Dean Winchester isn’t stupid.

He knows that all the nice things he does for Cas (and vice versa) can be seen as romantic. He sees them that way himself, sometimes. But they don’t _mean_ anything. Right? Yeah, he’s never wanted to do those sorts of things with women, but to be fair he’s never stayed long enough to even try. He can imagine meeting a nice woman at the grocery store, the kids in the cart. He can imagine asking her on a date and her saying yes. He can imagine taking her to dinner or making something at home. He can imagine texting her throughout the day or calling her just to see how things are going. He can imagine them having their own secret language, their looks and their inside jokes and their ways of saying things that only they understand. He can imagine it all. The trouble is, it does nothing for him. His mind’s rambling easily replaces whatever woman he tries to stick in there with Cas, since that’s pretty much what they already do. This was only highlighted when they had some of Dean’s work friends over for poker during school vacation. There was a playful debate about which couple was the most romantic, and Cas and Dean, the non-couple, won. They hadn’t even lied about anything. Their romanticism was on such a different level that Cesar’s husband Jesse chewed his spouse out a little bit for it and told him he could “learn something” from them.  

For all of their romantic gestures, though, he’s never imagined Cas sexually. He can easily imagine picking up a woman at the grocery store, no kids in sight, and going to her place for sex. But even that’s lost its appeal, or what little appeal it ever had; it actually turns his stomach a bit, because his life is so different now. He wonders if he’ll ever have sex again. Cas’ joke last month when they were talking about how to celebrate the kids’ adoptions sparked a little interest in his dick, but it was easily forgotten in the activities leading up to Christmas. He didn’t have time to think about sex then, hasn’t had time to think about sex in months. Now, with their schedules settled again and the kids sleeping well and in much more of a routine, he has some time to think. He just doesn’t know what he should think about.

Cas and Dean have been going to the gym (along with about a million other people who thought January first was a good time to get started), and for three weeks now they’ve been running on treadmills and lifting weights. Cas has always been an attractive person, but his body is becoming a bit more defined again as he throws himself into his pre-babies workout regimen. Dean notices, objectively speaking. Dean notices that other people notice, too. It bothers him some; he finds himself protective of his “baby daddy,” as they jokingly call each other. But still, it’s not like he sits there and imagines laying Cas out on the gym floor and… _doing_ anything.  

“Cas?” Dean calls one late afternoon. He’s in a great mood, his mind blissfully unencumbered. His birthday’s coming up this weekend, and he actually feels like celebrating it this year. He stopped at the gym — without Cas there to motivate him — and had a great workout. His students are finally back on track after the Christmas break. They’ve had a couple of days of a January thaw, where the temps got warm enough to melt some of the snow they’ve been dealing with recently. Something smells awesome in the slow cooker. And he’s home with his sons and Cas. “Cas?” he calls again.

He jogs upstairs to look for Cas, assuming he just can’t hear him. Peeking into Cas’ bedroom, he sees why.  

Cas is asleep, their sons down to their diapers and laying belly-down on his chest. The boys have always loved skin-to-skin contact, and they’ve been a little sick lately (though nothing as serious as the RSV). They’re getting bigger every day, but right now they look like tiny bunnies curled against their dad, whose large hands hold each of their kids in place, ever-protective even in sleep. Warmth floods his heart at the sight. His eyes shift to Cas. He is shirtless, sockless, and his thin sleep pants are hiked nearly to his knees. His head is an endearing mess of damp, tousled waves, and his eyelashes flutter like rows of blackbirds quivering on the line. His cheeks are flushed in the heat of the room and his pink lips are parted ever-so-slightly. And now, warmth floods Dean’s entire body. He licks his lips subtly as his mind makes the kids disappear, leaving just the two of them. His mind allows him to crawl over Cas’ body and press his lips against that plush mouth, plant his elbows around his head and tangle his fingers in his soft nest of hair, make his cheeks flush with a completely different kind of heat as they lay skin-to-skin….

“Holy fucking fuck,” Dean gasps nearly soundlessly as he turns and bolts down the stairs and out the door. He jumps into his car, tucked in the garage and still warm from the ride home, and clutches the steering wheel. “What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck,” he whispers, leaning his forehead against the wheel and taking shaky breaths. He presses a hand onto his groin and feels his obvious arousal. “Oh God, fuck, _shit_ ,” he rasps on a harsh exhale.

Cas wakes up when the kids start to stir on his chest. It’s getting dark, so he knows Dean must be home by now, but he doesn’t hear him. He rolls the babies onto the bed so he can throw a shirt and a sweatshirt on, keeping an eye on them to make sure they don’t get away from him. He pulls a thick pair of socks on for good measure. He’s freezing and his throat is killing him. He’s grateful that he started supper several hours ago. The roast smells fantastic, even if he’s not in much of a mood to eat it. Robbie is dry, so he changes Jamie, puts them in their footed pajamas, and heads downstairs. After a bit of searching, he finds Dean in the garage. He puts the kids in their playpen, then sticks his head out the door that connects the garage to the house.

“Dean?” Cas rasps. He runs a hand through his messy, sweat-damp hair and knows he must look completely unappealing. Not that it matters. “What are you doing out here?”

“Just cleaning up a few things,” Dean replies, keeping his eyes trained on the tools in his hands. Cas eyes the always perfectly organized workbench and frowns.

“It’s freezing out here.”

“It’s not that bad.”

Cas capitulates, not having the energy to argue. “Dinner’s ready.”  

Dean looks up at him, biting his upper lip. “Yeah, alright, I…” He stops, eyeing Cas’ still-flushed face and sunken eyes. “Hey, you okay?”

“Not really.”

Dean drops the tools and practically carries him into the house, Cas’ feet barely touching the ground in Dean’s haste.

“Lemme look at you,” Dean insists. He parks Cas in one of the dining room chairs, then scooches in front of him, holding his face in his strong, slightly dusty hands. He examines his eyes and frowns, then taps his chin until Cas opens his mouth. He looks at his throat, using the flashlight on his phone to peer inside. He touches his wrist to Cas’ forehead and frowns again.

“You’re sick,” he grumbles.

Cas rolls his eyes. “No kidding.”

“Okay, smartass. You’re gonna eat and then you’re going to bed.”

“Dean, the kids aren’t going to take care of themselves.”

“No, they aren’t. Dee is. Dad is going to bed.”

He looks at Dean and sees there will be no arguing. “Fine,” he rasps. His throat really hurts. Dean feels gratified by Cas’ easy trust and willingness to let Dean take care of him.

Cas sits still while Dean scurries around him. After he chokes down what he can, he heads back to bed, Dean hovering behind him. He helps Cas prop himself up on his pillows and gives him the remote, along with pain medication and juice. “Take this now, and in a few hours I’ll give you the nighttime stuff, okay?”

“Yes, Dr. Sexy,” Cas says in reference to one of Dean’s guilty pleasures. He blinks his reddened blue eyes drowsily at Dean. Dean makes a strangled sound in his throat before he chuckles.

“Hottest patient on the floor,” Dean teases nervously, though Cas doesn’t notice his anxiousness.

“Yes,” Cas replies drolly. “Fever will do that to you.”  

Dean’s anxiousness abates a bit, and he smiles at him fondly. “Behave yourself,” he says, ruffling his hair as he turns to go.

“If you insist,” Cas rasps, a tired grin gracing his face. Dean turns back and points at him playfully in warning before walking out, closing the door behind him. “Dr. Sexy indeed,” Cas mutters, looking at the closed door.

“Fuck,” Dean mouths, willing his heart and his dick to calm the hell down.

Dean plays nursemaid over the next couple of days, with Hannah as his substitute while he’s at work (Cas insisted that he not use his sick days on “just a cold” and save them instead for himself or the kids). Cas loses his voice, which is both hilarious and sad. Dean misses his soothing rumbling. He doesn’t think of anything sexual in reference to Cas those days, and he starts to think that maybe his little mind wandering was just a one-off thing, a weird little detour. By Thursday morning, he’s feeling pretty confident that his freak-out was for nothing. You can’t help where your mind goes, right? People think weird things all the time. Hannah arrives and tends to the kids, so he strolls up the stairs, convinced of his perfectly reasonable explanation, and opens Cas’ door to check on him and let him know he’s leaving. He stops short when he sees him.  

Cas is reclined against his pillows, which are propped against the headboard of his bed. He is shirtless (again), his hair a fluffy, adorable mess against the sky blue flannel of the pillowcases. His left hand rests on one bent knee against the espresso comforter, the gold band on his finger catching the light of the television. His right hand supports his head, his arm bent up like he’s posing for some beefcake calendar. He turns bright blue eyes toward Dean. “Hello, Dean,” he rumbles, voice even lower than usual due to the lingering effects of his illness.

“Uh, h-hey.  Hey,” he says, because he can’t think of a full sentence right this minute.

“Hi. Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Cas peers at him with concern. “Did you need something?”

Against his will, his brain starts supplying answers to that question that Dean would never authorize (consciously). “Uh, no.”

“Okaaaay,” Cas says, still eyeing him curiously. “Are you heading out to work?”

 _Work! Yes! That’s what I’m doing!_ “Uh, yeah, heading out. Just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

“Yes, thank you. I’m feeling a bit better.”

“Good. You look… good.”  

Cas chuckles. “Well, I won’t be on the cover of _GQ_ anytime soon, but I don’t think I’ll scare away any children.”

“Ahaha, yeah, okay, I’m gonna, uh, go. Have a good one.” Dean turns and beats it out of there before Cas has a chance to figure out what in the world has gotten into him.

Over the next couple of days, Dean tries to rationalize (again) why he’s having these weird reactions to Cas. If he’s honest with himself (he’s trying, really he is), he’s had some weird feelings around Cas for quite a while — sometimes his heart or his gut does this fluttering thing, like… butterflies. _Crap_. And sometimes he gets a little lost in his eyes. _Shit._ And sometimes he has to find excuses _not_ to reach out and hug him, like when he’s being really cute with the kids or when he gets those smiles on his face — the shy ones and the snarky ones and the proud little ones when he wins one over on Dean and the ones where he’s so happy his nose crinkles and… _fuck, fuck, fuck._   

“Are you busy tonight, Dean?” Cas asks, breaking him out of one of his numerous trances as of late. _God_ , he hates thinking. Thinking leads to thoughts (duh)… and wishes… and feelings…  “Dean?”

“Huh? Sorry, what?”

“Are you busy tonight?”

“No, just, you know, the usual.”

“I’d like to take you out for your birthday.”

Dean’s brow furrows. “We’re getting together with everyone tomorrow night.”

“I know, but I just… um, kinda want it to be just us. If that’s alright.”

 _Just us._ “Um… yeah, sounds good.”

Cas breaks into his wide, sparkly smile, the one that few people get to see, and the swarm of butterflies in Dean’s gut flaps all at once. If that whole butterfly effect thing is true, then there is some major shit going on somewhere because of him —tornadoes, earthquakes, something (it certainly _feels_ like the earth is moving under his feet).  

“Great. Comfortable clothes, okay? You’ll need to bundle up.”

“Alright.”

Cas smiles again and turns away to get the babies, who are clamoring to eat. Dean bites his lip and starts to think all over again.

He’s not stupid… he knows he’s fucked. He just doesn’t know what to do about it.

That night, Cas takes him for a moonlight snowshoeing trek to a frozen-over pond. A large patch has been cleared of snow, and Dean remembers that Cas went out on “an errand” earlier and assumes this is what he was doing. He pulls Dean’s skates out of his large duffel bag (now he gets why Cas was carrying it) and lays out a blanket so they can put their skates on. They spend quite a while skating circles around each other and racing to predetermined points. When they’re both winded, they sit on the blanket. Cas pulls a Thermos from his duffel, along with two travel mugs, and pours hot chocolate into them. He smiles at Dean over his cup. “I’m not going to give you a big birthday speech,” he says softly. “I just want you to know that I’m so happy you were born.”

His heart leaps into his throat. Nobody just _says_ that stuff. “Cas…”

“Shh, just accept it, okay?”

“Cas, I…”

“I’m so happy you were born, Dean. You just need to know that, not to argue it. Please.”  

The words unlock a door hidden deep in his heart, where he’s stored the pain of his father’s rejection, that deep-seated sense of unwantedness that drove him to isolation and disconnection for so long. He’s too overcome to argue any more, so he lets Cas hold him while he clings tightly to his thick parka. Cas kindly doesn’t acknowledge his tears.

The days don’t get any easier after that. Cas pouts and he wants to kiss it away. Cas laughs and he wants to wrestle him in his huge bed. Cas holds the babies so tenderly that Dean wants to do the same for him. A guy flirts with Cas when they’re at the coffeehouse and he wants to punch the guy’s lights out, then suck deep red marks into Cas’ skin until no one dares to bother him. Cas introduces Dean to the guy as his husband, and Dean wants Cas to push him against the wall and grind their hips together until the guy is insanely jealous of Dean. It’s so much, all the time, now that his brain has given itself permission to go _there,_ to a place he didn’t dare to before.

It comes to a head on Valentine’s Day. Of course.

It’s an ordinary day, really. Cas helped him get his classroom set up over the weekend, so in the morning it’s pretty standard procedure: get up with the kids, give them breakfast, make coffee and breakfast, greet Cas, have said breakfast and coffee with Cas and the boys, say goodbye to Cas and the boys with a big group hug that became a thing somewhere along the way. The school day is chaotic, as it often is on Valentine’s Day, so he’s pretty happy to get some decent time in at the gym on his way home. The house is dark when he arrives home, and the garage won’t open. He notices that the whole street seems dark. When he walks in the door, he sniffs the faint smell of chicken and something sweet that smells like apple pie. The house is lit by flashlights and those flameless fake candles (Cas insisted on getting them for the boys’ safety, not wanting to have open flames in case of a power outage). An apologetic Cas greets him at the door, a child in each arm.  

“So the power’s been out a couple of hours now. Someone or something must’ve hit a transformer. I thought it would come right back on but…” he trails off, gesturing at the oven. “Supper is not done, obviously. Though it smells good, I’m certain neither the chicken nor the pie are edible yet. And the kids have been so fussy today that nothing else has gotten done. I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Dean frowns. He takes Robbie out of Cas’ hands and kisses his chubby cheek. “It’s fine. Shi-... uh, stuff happens,” he says, correcting himself in front of the boys.

“I know, but I wanted to do something nice for you today, because I know it tends to be a rather chaotic day for you at work and… well, it all went to heck.” He looks forlornly at the oven again. “But,” he says, brightening, “I did manage fluffernutter sandwiches, a bag of chips, and water.” He flashes Dean a wide, sarcastic smile and an equally sarcastic thumbs-up. Dean laughs.

“It’s all good, Cas, seriously. C’mon, let’s see if we can get the little guys to eat while the big guys do.”

Dean has to laugh at eating fluffernutters and chips off the nice plates. The boys wriggle and whine at being kept in their highchairs, so after a few minutes of attempting rice cereal and carrots they give up and take them out. They hang out in the living room for a while, playing peekaboo (their new favorite game) and encouraging the boys to move toward toys that are placed just out of their reach.  

At bedtime, Dean takes them and does their routine with them. They’ve started to have just one of them do the routine at a time, to get the boys used to it when Cas has to be away for work. When he’s done, he finds Cas on the couch curled up with a book, reading by flashlight. “We were supposed to watch a movie,” he grumbles without looking up.  

“It’s okay, Cas,” Dean smiles. “This is good, too.” He grabs his own book and another flashlight from the end table and reads until Cas wakes him and tells him to go to bed.

Hours later, he thinks he hears crying, but it stops. His daddy senses tingling, he creeps out of bed and tiptoes to Cas’ room, where Cas is holding both of them tucked under his robe to keep them warm.  

“They cold?”

Cas nods, and Dean doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around his sons and their dad, who also feels a little chilly.  

“I was going to keep them here for the night. I think they’ll be warmer. Do you want to stay?”

Again, without hesitation, Dean nods. They make their way back to Cas’ bed, where they place the kids between them. Cas smiles. “It’s been a while since we’ve been up with them at night, hmm?”

“Yeah, it has.”

“Thanks for staying, Dean.” Cas smiles and lets his eyes fall closed.

Dean watches Cas for a while. The feelings he’s having haven’t abated. It’s like once he opened his mind to something more with Cas, all of the blanks in his future got filled with him. He let Cas in, and has experienced the most profound bond he’s ever had with someone. He comes to the realization that he wants this man in ways he’s never allowed himself — mind, body, and soul.

Dean finally knows what he needs to do about it. And yeah, maybe Dean Winchester is a little stupid about some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love to you all <3


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter today, as promised.

“You want a divorce.”

“Um, well, I mean, I just figured maybe it’s time. Naomi did her six month check-in back at the beginning of January, so, you know, I think we’re home free.”

“Yes, we should be. Okay, then.”

Dean looks a little surprised at Cas’ quick agreement, which is confusing to Cas. _What else did he expect me to say?_ Dean starts to speak rapidly, as he does when he’s nervous. “Uh, okay. It’s not that I’m unhappy or anything. I’m not at all. I mean, I’d like everything to stay the same, really. I mean, if that’s okay with you. Or you can kick me out. Or...”

“Of course it’s okay. Your children live here. It makes sense that their parents live together if they can, until such time as you meet someone or otherwise no longer want to.”

“Or you do.”

Cas clears his throat and turns away. “Yes. Well, let’s see what it takes to get divorced in this state, shall we?” He reaches out for the computer he left on the coffee table as he attempts to keep his face neutral. Cas is dying on the inside, but he refuses to show Dean that. His love for Dean is not Dean’s problem. He did exactly what he said he would do, and Cas, though sad and a little surprised (though he shouldn’t be, he reminds himself), will not make Dean feel bad for wanting to get on with his personal life after sacrificing over a year of it for him. In fact, it’s great that he wants to. He thinks Dean’s learned a lot about himself in this whole process, and he’s hopeful that Dean, now that he’s allowed himself to experience emotional closeness and family, will find the happiness he truly deserves. Hoping for the best for someone you love, hoping for everything good for them, is the right thing. Even if it hurts. Excruciatingly. He focuses on his computer, rapidly typing to search for the information they need to get started and to keep his mind and body busy (falling apart is the only other alternative, and he’s not doing _that_ ). He misses the flash of sadness on Dean’s face.

“Dear Lord,” Cas mutters as he scrolls through the information, Dean pressed into the side of his body (which is heavenly and hellish all at once) to look with him. “There’s a lot to do.”

“I guess the hell there is,” Dean mumbles gruffly. “Hardly seems worth it.”

“I can’t imagine how people who are in high conflict manage to get through this,” Cas says instead of what he really wants to say (“So let’s not” comes to mind).  

“Good thing we’re not, hey?” Dean says with a slight tremor in his voice, nudging Cas.

“Right,” Cas answers, pressing himself against Dean and tapping his head quickly against his, an acknowledgement that they’re okay. He feels Dean’s body sag a bit and tries not to toss the computer aside and cuddle the shit out of his husband. “Um, let’s see… we need to write a separation agreement to decide how we’re going to split things.”

“We don’t have anything to split. We kept our accounts separate, you own the house, and we both live here so it’s not like we gotta decide visitation or something.”

“Right. Well, maybe we should add something in there in the event that you leave us.” He feels Dean stiffen next to him and corrects himself. “Move out, I mean.”

“Oh,” he says, his voice smaller without its usual exuberance. “Like a contingency plan. Yeah, okay.”

“Right. Do you think we need lawyers?”

“Fuck no, Cas. I think we can be fair to each other, don’t you? I mean, we’re best friends. Family. I trust you.”

Cas swivels his head to face Dean, who’s _right there,_ his green eyes soft and troubled. Two inches and he could kiss him. “I trust you, too, Dean,” he says instead. He inhales a sharp breath before turning back to his computer. “Okay, so we need our marriage certificate, the separation agreement, the petition for divorce, something called an Affidavit of Irretrievable Breakdown, and a Record of Absolute Divorce, or maybe that comes after, I’m not sure. We also need financial statements, an Affidavit of Care and Custody, and a Child Support Guidelines Worksheet. Plus we need to go to a parent education program, unless we apply to waive that. Plus all the fees.”

“Damn.”

“I can take care of the fees…”

“The hell you will. I’ll do it.” Dean’s eyes brook no argument, so Cas raises his hands in surrender and looks back at the screen.

“I can’t believe how much work it is to get divorced,” he says again, revisiting their earlier discussion.

“I had no idea.”

“Shows you how motivated those who actually go through with it are. The hate is strong,” Cas says with a teasing lilt, trying to lighten the very heavy mood. Dean covers his eyes and looks away.

“I don’t hate you, Cas,” he rasps, and Cas feels horrible for making him feel bad.

“Hey, hey. I know that. Like we said before, we’re not those high-conflict couples,” he reassures him, rubbing a large hand across his too-warm, slightly damp back. “I didn’t mean us. We’re the exception. Always gotta do things a little differently than everyone else, right?” He hears Dean snort and sees him rub his eyes, and he squeezes him in a quick one-armed hug before turning back to the documents and printing them.

They spend some time completing the paperwork, easily writing a separation agreement (it was easier than their vows, which took more time and held more meaning) and writing out the same information over and over. They’re stymied by a question on one of the forms.

“I’m not sure how to answer this,” Dean says as he shows Cas the question: _In particular, our marriage has suffered an irretrievable breakdown because…._ “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with us.”

Cas squints at it and thinks. “Hmm. Oh, I got it: ‘Petitioner Dean Winchester is hella heterosexual.’”

“Cas!” Dean smiles as he gives him a little shove.

“Frankly, it’s usually the opposite, so that might amuse the clerk at the courthouse.”

“I’m not writing that.”

“Why not? It’s true.”

Dean says nothing, but goes back to the form. He scribbles something on it and pushes it aside almost forcefully. Cas peeks at it. Dean wrote some bullshit about how his feelings had changed and he couldn’t handle it anymore because he knew he couldn’t be the husband Cas needed. It seems unnecessarily complicated, but Cas shrugs and doesn’t bother asking. Some fake response on a form is the least of his worries.

“Alright. Well, we can go down to get these filed after you get out of work tomorrow,” Cas says when they’re finished. “After that, they’ll set a hearing date, and then once the judge enters the order at the hearing it’ll take 120 days, then it’s final.”

“‘Kay.”

Cas looks at Dean with a frown. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, fine. Worn out from all the legal drivel.”

“Same here. Beer?”

“God yes.”

Cas snickers and gets them each a beer. It’s a rare treat at home now, though they sometimes will have one or two if they go out. He pops the tops off each of them and sits next to Dean, handing him his beer. They watch the snow falling like fluffy white cotton balls.

“Could we maybe not say anything to anyone for a while?” Cas asks. He _really_ doesn’t want to hear what his family has to say about it.  

“Fine with me,” Dean says. It’s _more_ than fine with him.  

“Thanks.” Cas finishes his beer, lost in his own thoughts as they sit close. Cas reminds himself that nothing much will change. They’re still going to be friends, still going to live together and raise their boys. Even if they’d stayed married, it’s not like he was going to confess his love to Dean anyway. Or maybe he would have, eventually, when he couldn’t stand it anymore. Then it would’ve come to this anyway, and maybe it would’ve been worse. Maybe it would’ve been uncomfortable. Maybe it would’ve been harder to stay friends or parent together. Maybe this is for the best. But having Dean pressed against his side, it sure doesn’t feel that way.  

When Cas goes to bed a little while later, Dean clutches onto a throw pillow and stares blankly ahead. He hates this. He hates everything about this. But he has to do this. He can’t be the partner Cas deserves, no matter how much he wants to be. Because he does want to be, badly. If he could become a better person, if he could not be his father, maybe it could work.

Dean sleeps like shit, so he gets up early and snowblows the yard. He makes coffee for Cas, but he eats and drinks nothing and leaves the house before Cas and the boys get up. He just can’t fall into their arms today.  

“You look like hell, sweetie,” Donna says as kindly as she can.

“What in the world happened to you?” Crowley, usually the sarcastic sort, asks with uncharacteristic softness.

Dean shakes his head and says nothing.

His class is awful. They’re wild and loud and cranky, and he has little energy to do anything about it. After work, he meets Cas and the babies at the courthouse. Cas smiles when he sees him approaching, and Dean’s gut leaps in joy before it drops when he thinks about why they’re there. He keeps the smile on his face anyway, for all of them. Cas peers at him with concern.  

“Are you alright?” Cas asks, squinting at him as if he can see through him. Maybe he can.

“Fine. Just tired. Rough day.”

“Ah. I’m sorry to hear that.” After a beat, he adds, “The boys missed you this morning.”

Guilt gnaws at him now. He became _that_ guy, running off on his kids just because he can’t handle his own shit. Just like he knew he would. “Crap, I’m so sorry. Won’t do it again. I feel like an a-... donkey,” he says, and means it. He hates himself for becoming what he most wanted to avoid.  

“It’s okay, Dean. You had things to do. It’s not like you do it all the time, jeez,” he says, rolling his eyes at Dean’s self-flagellation. “Come on. Let’s get this done and then we’ll go out for an early supper. I’m thinking greasy pizza.”

Dean’s smile becomes genuine again with Cas’ easy forgiveness, and grows wider when Cas starts telling him about the massive blowout he had to clean up thanks to Robbie.

“So it’s putrid, okay? Just putrid. And he’s smiling like he _knows_ he’s making me gag,” Cas says, talking animatedly with his hands while they wait in line. “And so I pick him up and I feel dampness on his shirt and in his hair. I pull my hand back and it’s wet and smells absolutely _vile_. And he starts _laughing_ , Dean! _Laughing_ at me!” Cas’ eyes and smile sparkle even under the white fluorescents that make everyone look washed-out and ill. Dean bites his lip as the attraction he can’t seem to stop bubbles up, and he’s grateful Cas is being so funny because it gives his nervous energy an outlet. He laughs, and Cas swats him playfully and says, “Oh, thanks, not you, too!” which only makes him laugh harder. “Traitor. Anyway, so I get the shirt off him and _oh my word_ , it’s all up his back and into his hair. And he’s smiling like he’s so pleased with himself, _yes, pleased with himself,_ ” he says, saying the last few words in baby talk as he peeks at Robbie in the stroller, who coos. They move forward in the line, and Dean forgets why they’re there as he gets sucked into Cas’ story and presence. “And so I strip him and bathe him because wipes aren’t going to cut it. I get him out, dry him off, and he flippin’ does it again right on the darn changing table. So I wipe him up and it looks like we’re in the clear. But I made the cardinal mistake.”

“What’s that?” Dean asks, completely engrossed and not noticing that it’s their turn.

“I didn’t cover up the front, and guess what? Flippin’ peed on me, right in the face!” Cas announces, and the husbands howl in laughter. Cas grips Dean’s shoulder and pulls him closer. “In my _eye_ , Dean!” he grumbles exaggeratedly with a smile as he points to his left eye. Dean cackles and grabs Cas’ arm; they hang on to each other until their laughter dies down. The other people in line and the clerk are smiling at them, no one seeming annoyed by the delay. They finally realize they’re next and look at the clerk.

“Hi, how can I help you?” the woman greets them with what they suspect is a rare smile. Life in the clerk’s office probably isn’t very exciting.

“We need to file these papers,” Cas says as he hands them to her. “Stop laughing at me!” Cas demands with a wide grin as he swats Dean, who breaks into a fresh round of laughter upon visualizing Cas’ story again.

“Divorce?” she says, her eyes bouncing between the two of them.

Cas answers in the affirmative, and Dean stops laughing and starts to feel a bit uncomfortable (horribly uncomfortable), so he picks up Robbie from the stroller and starts blowing raspberries on his neck and praising him for his attack on his dad. “Good job, kiddo! Dee wishes he’d been there to see that! Yes! Yes!” he says in a high-pitched voice.

“Ah, I see how it is,” Cas jokes. “Gang up on Dad, I get it.” He picks up Jamie, who’s squawking. “You’re on my side, aren’t you, James?” The baby turns and reaches out for Dean. “Well, I see when I’m not wanted,” he jokes again as he hands Jamie to Dean, leaving him empty-armed.  

Dean thinks he hears an edge in the joke, and that won’t do. “Oh, Dad, we want you,” Dean says. “Come on, we missed our hug today. C’mere.” Dean steps into Cas, the babies between them, and Cas wraps his arms around the three of them. They stop hugging only to sign the papers in front of the notary, and even then their bodies stay in contact. They resume their embrace as the woman processes the papers that will end their marriage, and stay that way until the clerk says they’re all set. Dean wants to say “Wait!” and rip them up then and there, but he knows he shouldn’t. Cas needs more than a guy who’s eventually going to walk out, a guy who already did.

“Pizza?” Cas asks.

“Pizza,” Dean agrees.

They don’t say another word about the divorce that night, or for the next month, both preferring to ignore that it’s happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hang in there with me and trust the process. <3


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank all of you for your comments and investment in this story. We all clearly love these guys and want the best for them. <3
> 
> By the way, you may have noticed that I finally added the “slow build” tag. ;)

Cas and Dean walk into the classroom. It’s surreal to be on the receiving end of the education, and they smirk at each other as if they know what the other is thinking. They take seats next to each other at desks that barely have enough room for their arms, never mind the large books they’re receiving about parenting after divorce.  

The woman at the front of the classroom begins speaking, and her nasally drone already has them rolling their eyes at each other. “Alright, welcome. Tonight we’re going to discuss how to keep your children’s best interests in mind as you separate and divorce. We’re going to discuss the effect divorce has on children and the best ways to keep them out of the conflict. It’s very important that you learn how to parent as a team, because most of you will be parenting your children together for a long time to come.”  

The woman drones on and on, and Dean gets bored. It’s good and important information, of course, but it really doesn’t apply to them. Dean grabs his phone and starts texting:

_Dean 5:38pm: We’re 8 min in and I’m dying_

Cas feels his phone buzz with a new text. He slides it out of his breast pocket and reads it, smirking at Dean’s message. He responds:

_Cas 5:38pm: I imagine your death will be a slow one._

Dean snorts quietly behind his hand and responds. Soon they’re trading messages back and forth as they feign attention to the instructor.

_Dean 5:39pm: My tombstone: Here lies Dean. He died of boredom due to the complete inapplicability of this material to his life._

_Cas 5:40pm: Well, you never know. I could turn out to be the asshole ex you bitch to all your friends about._

_Cas 5:40pm: BTW, my tombstone: Here lies Cas. He died of annoyance. This woman’s voice and these jackasses who are already complaining about their soon-to-be exes instead of focusing on their children are driving me crazy._

_Dean 5:42pm: You’d never be an asshole ex._

_Dean 5:42pm: I don’t understand why they can’t put their shit aside for their kids. This guy in front of me is the worst. If their spouses were here they wouldn’t be bitching so much._

_Cas 5:44pm: I think it would be worse. They’d probably be in such conflict that the class would be unproductive. That’s why most of them take the class separately. We’re the exception._

_Dean 5:45pm: As usual lol_

_Cas 5:45pm: Yes :)_

They continue this way for a while, commenting on the other participants and how utterly ridiculous and out-of-place they feel.

_Dean 6:01pm: I feel the need to bitch about you so that I can fit in. What can I bitch about?_

_Cas 6:02pm: I don’t know. I’m awesome. You said so._

_Dean 6:02pm: Yeah, you kinda are. Okay, you bitch about me, then._

_Cas 6:03pm: I can’t. You’re kinda awesome, too._

_Dean 6:04pm: Nah_

_Cas 6:04pm: Yes_

_Dean 6:04pm: No_

_Cas 6:05pm: Okay, I’ll bitch about you arguing with me when I’m clearly right._

Dean fights back a snicker even as his chest fills with both happiness and anxiety. He glances at Cas, who side-eyes him with affection before refocusing on the instructor.  

_Dean 6:10pm: The guy next to me is telling the guy next to him about how he’s gonna celebrate his divorce. Hint: alcohol is involved._

_Cas 6:11pm: Shocker._

_Dean 6:12pm: Clearly he doesn’t know how to celebrate after a stressful time, right Cas? ;)_

Dean watches in delight as Cas’ face turns red. His lips purse before he covers his mouth with his fist, his body shaking with restrained giggles. His reaction elicits the same response in Dean, and as soon as they make eye contact they have to turn their bodies away from each other, lest they burst. It doesn’t work. Dean hears the nearly soundless cackle come out of Cas, and he lets go, Cas following right behind him. The class stops and stares at them as they giggle helplessly.

“We’re sorry, we’re sorry,” Cas says to the instructor, wiping tears from his eyes. “Sorry,” he says again to the class at large. He’s embarrassed, but he can’t help but feel good about the interaction with Dean anyway. Dean is grinning at him and that’s all that matters.

The class ends with no more outbursts, and they receive the paperwork they need to submit to the court. They walk out into the frosty March night.  

“I guess that’s it until the court date,” Cas comments as they climb into the minivan.  

“Yeah, thank God for that,” Dean says quietly. He doesn’t need any more reminders. The past month has been pretty normal, all things considered, because they’ve successfully managed not to talk about the divorce. There’s no real need to, anyway. Not for Cas, at least. Dean is feeling the need to talk, but he promised Cas they’d keep it between themselves.

“You okay?” Cas asks, turning concerned eyes onto him.

“Yeah, fine,” Dean says, though he feels anything but fine.

When they arrive home, the boys are already in bed. Dean is disappointed. So is Cas. Each of them need the comfort that cuddling their babies gives them.  

“How was dinner?” Laurel asks.

“Good. It definitely had its moments,” Cas jokes, glancing over her head at Dean, who snickers. “Thank you for watching the boys.” He gathers her in a hug and hangs on a little longer than usual.  

“Thanks, Ma,” Dean says, indulging in his own hug once Cas separates from her. She gives them each a kiss on the cheek, then leaves.  

“I’m starving,” Dean announces as soon as she’s gone. “I wish we had gone out to dinner instead of that class.”

“Me too. Let’s order Chinese and play Call of Duty.”

They do just that, losing themselves in animated war so they can’t lose themselves in their thoughts about the other.  

The morning is busy. Dean wakes up late and rushes around the house, showering and dressing quickly before he gathers his things. Cas gives him a travel mug of coffee and a bagel wrapped in aluminum foil. Dean is so happy for the thoughtful gesture he could kiss him (and then thinks of what it was like to kiss him and what it might be like to kiss him again before he chastises himself).  

After Dean leaves, Cas finishes getting the kids ready for the day, then plays with them until Hannah arrives. He disappears into the office to work on his book, which is nearly finished. He writes steadily until 12:30, then comes out to get some lunch and put the boys down for their afternoon nap so that Hannah can head home. Hannah looks up at him, distressed. She looks at something on the table, then looks back at him. He follows the path her eyes took and swallows hard. It’s the damn book they got from the parenting class.  

“I couldn’t find the diaper bag for our trip to the library, so I checked your van and saw that,” she says quietly.  

“Hannah, I’m sorry…”

“Are you okay?”

He sighs. She knows. She knows pretty much everything, and what he hasn’t told her directly she’s probably guessed. “Not really, no.”

“Oh, Cas, I’m sorry,” she says, standing and pulling him down into her arms.  

“It’s okay,” he says tightly, his voice so small it doesn’t sound like his own. “I knew this would happen eventually.”

“I didn’t,” she says, leaning back but not letting go. “Seriously, I thought you guys would make it work.”

“It has worked. It still works. But I can’t change who he is.”

“I just… I don’t understand. He looks at you with such love…”

“We’re friends. We do love each other.”

“Not that and you know it.”  

“I know,” he sighs. “Let me put the kids to bed and then we can talk.” Hannah helps, reading softly as Cas rocks them both. He places each of them in their cribs, pressing whisper-light kisses to their heads. They wander back to the kitchen, where Cas makes a sandwich he’s no longer hungry for, then they sit in the dining room and Cas stares at his plate.

“So… how did this happen, Cas?” Hannah prompts.

“I honestly don’t know. Things were great and then he’s asking me for a divorce.”

“Did he meet someone?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. He hasn’t mentioned anyone. We’re rarely apart these days, so if he did it’s either someone at work or… I don’t know. The gym, maybe? People seem interested in him there.” He picks at his sandwich, tearing a piece of crust off and pressing it between his fingers.

“Seems unlikely. You guys haven’t been fighting or anything?”

“No. We’ve been great, like I said. In fact, there was a part of me that was starting to think maybe he could possibly be interested, despite never being interested in men that I know of. We’re so close, and there were times that he looked at me a certain way or he said something or did something that just made me wonder. I’d always dismissed those things as my projection of my own feelings onto him, and I guess I was right to ignore it.”

“You may not be wrong.”

“Hmm. I don’t know. Even if I was right at one time, that doesn’t mean he has an interest in me now, nor that he has any interest in pursuing anything with any man, or settling down with anyone.” Cas takes a breath and a drink of water before he continues. “He used to call himself an eternal bachelor. I’m ready to be settled and, even if he is interested in me, I can’t be one of several people in his bed. I refuse to be. That’s not my style, nor is it good for the boys, and I just love him too much to have something casual with him. I need to have a good relationship with Dean throughout the boys’ childhoods. I won’t risk that.”

“He’s proven to be pretty steadfast and loyal, I’d say,” Hannah observes.

“He has. He’s been wonderful. I’ve always thought he has what it takes to be a great husband and father. He’s so afraid to… never mind.”

“What?”

“No, I don’t want to betray his trust.”

Hannah gives him an understanding smile and pats his hand.

“Anyway,” Cas continues, “it doesn’t matter. Any thought about him being interested in me is pure conjecture. And if he is interested, one would think he would want to stay married.” He glumly takes a bite of his sandwich. It feels pasty and tasteless in his mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

Cas shrugs. “It’s okay. He’s still a wonderful friend. And I’ll be happy for him as long as he’s happy.” He flashes a strained smile at his sister-in-law.

“When is it happening?”

“The court date is April eighteenth.”

“Are you going to tell him how you feel?”

Cas huffs. “Not likely. What’s the point?”

“I don’t know. Living authentically?”

“Does it matter?”

“Does it?”

Cas raises an eyebrow. “Is this a philosophical discussion, Bannister?” he asks, referring to her by her maiden name. They’d met in a philosophy class many years before, which is how she met his brother.

“Maybe,” she grins. “Seriously, though. Let’s put aside authenticity a minute, even though you _know_ we could talk about that all day. What about choice? Shouldn’t Dean know everything so he has all of his choices at his fingertips? He’s making a life-altering decision based on a lack of information.”

“What about my choice? That’s part of living authentically, isn’t it? Being able to choose my own path? Shouldn’t I have the freedom to choose what’s best for me?”

“Sure. But is it really best for you? And what if it harms others? One could argue that withholding the truth is actually harmful to Dean.”

“How?”

“Because he may be making a horrible mistake.”

“If he has feelings for me, he could say so.  I’m not taking away his ability to speak for himself.”

“Okay, but what about Claire?”

Cas stares at her, trying to puzzle out what she means. He gives up. “What does Claire have to do with anything?”

“You felt compelled to tell her the truth. Why?”

“Because she couldn’t make an informed choice otherwise. She was making a decision based on a lie.”

“So is Dean.”

“I’m not lying.”

“No? Seems to me you’re lying by omission.”

“But Claire placing her children with another family is a very different situation.”

“Yes and no. They’re both major life decisions that affect not just the person making the decision, but also many other people in that person’s life.” Cas sighs heavily, a rebuttal forming on his lips, when she says, “This impacts your children, Cas.”  

That gives him pause. Yes, they would be parents to their boys no matter what. And even if Cas does admit his feelings and Dean doesn’t feel the same way, they’d work through it, right? Of course they would. Maybe. They’re friends. But does Dean have the ego strength to not be freaked out by the whole thing? Will it be stranger if he says something? Or will it be stranger and more awkward if he doesn’t say something? A truth unsaid is still a truth. And unsaid truths often turn into cancers, spreading through the host until they eat away at their insides and transform the host into something else. Would _he_ be the one who would ultimately ruin things between them because he withheld a major part of himself, because he was inauthentic? Is inauthenticity a lie? And what about their boys? What if he made things so bad between them that the boys were affected? It’s all so much to think about. Or what if… what if Dean is interested but doesn’t think Cas is? The process of coming out is difficult and confusing to some people. Maybe Dean doesn’t feel brave enough and is waiting for a sign. And how could he deny their boys a chance at a family with two parents who love each other?

“Cas?” Hannah calls quietly.

“I’m sorry, Hannah. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

She smirks with fondness. “I’m glad.”

“Don’t look so damn proud of yourself,” he says with a small smile.

“Can’t help it. I am.”

She hugs him goodbye and he occupies himself with his thoughts and the dishes.

That night, Cas tells Dean that Hannah confronted him after finding the book. Dean doesn’t make a big deal out of it, especially since Cas feels so badly about it. He shrugs and says that he figured it would come out somehow. He winces at his phrasing, but Cas doesn’t notice. Dean is on edge after that, waiting for Cas’ siblings to confront him and rip him a new one for bailing, but they don’t. Dean feels strangely disappointed.

He decides to confide in his brother. He stops by the YWCA with Jamie to watch Ella’s swim lesson while Cas tends to a cranky Robbie at home.

“So, Cas and I are divorcing,” Dean says as they watch Ella paddle in the pool.

“You are?” Sam asks, his brows furrowing with his attention.

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Dean shrugs. “It’s time, that’s all.”

“Are you guys fighting?”

“Course not. We just… you know, met our goal.”

Sam nods, frowning tightly. “Whose idea was it?”

“Mine. I mean, I brought it up.”

“Oh. But why?”

“Whaddaya mean why, Sam? It’s time. Cas has what he wanted, and I got more out of the deal than I expected, so, you know, we’re both coming out winners here.”

“Oh. Um, okay then.” He turns his attention back to his daughter’s lesson.

Dean stares at his brother incredulously. “That’s it?” he asks when his brother adds nothing further. Sam turns his head back to Dean.

“What do you want me to say?”

Jamie is getting fussy, so Dean pulls his bottle out of the diaper bag and shakes it, then offers it to him and kisses the baby on the forehead to comfort the unsettled feeling in his gut. “I dunno, I just… thought you’d have more to say.” He focuses on his son’s face, smiling widely even though he doesn’t feel like smiling.

“You said that this was the way it was going to end, that you guys weren't really going to be a couple and that you were ‘supposed to bail,’ I think you said. I mean, it’s too bad because you seem really happy, but you can’t change who you are, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” Dean says, staring at Jamie.

“I mean, yeah, you’re a family man now…”

“Right.”

“And you have friends…”

“Yeah…”

“And you’re married to a great guy…”

“The best.”

“But if you can’t change who you are, you can’t change who you are.” He turns his gaze toward the pool. Dean stares at the side of his face.

“Are you messing with me?”

Sam swivels his head back toward Dean and smirks. “What do you think, jerk?”

“Bitch.” He shoves his brother gently, making Sam laugh.

“Listen, Dean, I don’t know what’s going on in your head and your heart. Only you do. You seem really happy to me and I think it’s a shame to mess with that, but you have to do what’s best for you.”

“Yeah,” Dean says, lifting Jamie onto his shoulder and patting his back. _If only I could_.


	24. Chapter 24

Dean is preoccupied for the next few weeks, so Cas figures it probably isn’t the best time to bring up his thoughts following his conversation with Hannah. After all, his feelings are his own, and how is it any better to trouble Dean with his problems when he seems troubled already? Cas isn’t sure what’s troubling him, and Dean isn’t talking.

 _This isn’t how I want things to be between us_ , Cas thinks the Saturday afternoon before their Monday court hearing as Dean busies himself with scrubbing the bathroom. “Spring cleaning,” he explains when Cas asks why he’s been spending hours washing walls, alphabetizing his CD collection, and reorganizing every cabinet.

Cas makes a couple of phone calls, then puts the kids in their playpen before finding Dean, who’s standing on the edge of the tub scrubbing grout. “Hey,” he says, holding his hand to his nose to block the smell of the cleaners. He absently thinks they need to switch to organic, non-toxic cleaners as he waits for Dean to turn. When Cas realizes he’s wearing earbuds, he grabs his arm to get his attention. He startles Dean so badly that Dean slips off the edge of the tub and into him. _So unfair_ , Cas thinks as he smiles at the man in his arms, the man who’s close enough for Cas to count every freckle before covering each one with his mouth….

“Falling for me, are you?” Cas jokes. He notices Dean’s cheeks are flushed pink and assumes it’s the exertion of his (excessive) chores. Dean straightens up and stands on his own.

“Guess so,” Dean mutters, rubbing his neck. “What’s up?”

“We’re going out,” Cas declares. Dean frowns and starts to argue, but Cas is having none of it. “Come on. We haven’t been out in a while, and something’s up with you. We need some us time, don’t you think?”

Dean’s heart, already pumping hard from falling into Cas and his little joke after, leaps at the words _us time_. Despite his fears that spending time with Cas will ultimately make this process even harder to follow through with (and filled with guilt about the motion he filed in court that he hasn’t mentioned to Cas), Dean can’t resist. “Um, yeah, that’d be good.”

“Okay, good. I’m taking you museum-hopping.”

“Nerd,” Dean comments with a playful jab to Cas’ elbow.

“Don’t worry. I’ll buy you dinner after.”

“Buy me dinner, huh? Then what?” Dean says with a leer before his brain catches up with his _stupid, stupid_ mouth. Cas, blessedly, rolls his eyes.

“Get dressed,” Cas says as he tugs at Dean’s ratty shirt sleeve. When Dean’s guard is down, Cas adds, “Which is the exact opposite of what I’d say after buying dinner.” Dean flushes a bright red and Cas laughs. “Still such an easy target, hubby,” he smiles and pats Dean’s face before going back to the living room to tend to the boys.  

“Fuck,” Dean mutters to himself.

Cas takes him first to a small, independent museum that’s having a display of different musical instruments through the centuries. Dean’s fascinated by the different drums, particularly the African drum that looks like a coffin and the bass log drum. Cas’ favorite instrument is the tam-tam, a type of large gong. Dean spends a lot of time on the sound effects machine, then sees the drum set in the soundproofed room and scurries in like a child in a toy store who’s been told to choose whatever he wants. Cas records him as he thrashes about, a warm smile on his face and an aching for more in his heart. He loves this man. Next, they try their hands at painting at another museum’s studio classes that they have on Saturdays. Dean’s a better artist than Cas knew. Cas is terrible, but Dean comforts him and kindly doesn’t laugh.

After their artwork session, Cas says, “Alright, now we’re going someplace really special for dinner. Ready?”

“Special, huh?” Dean asks, swallowing his nervousness. “Am I dressed for this?” He looks down at his sweater and jeans.  

“You’re perfect,” Cas says without thinking. He rolls his eyes at himself and keeps walking. He feels Dean following him but misses Dean’s gaze.

“Dude, this is awesome!” Dean proclaims as they enter A4cade. They play old arcade games and Skeeball until their growling bellies take over, then sit and tear into gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches and truffle tots. Dean smiles through his stuffed mouth and Cas is so happy to see him smiling again. Even with his chipmunk cheeks and crumbs on his lips, he’s beautiful. He focuses back on his Hot Honey Bacon sandwich so Dean doesn’t catch him staring.

A woman Cas doesn’t know approaches the table, her eyes laser-focused on Dean. “Hey, sweetie!” she calls. By the way she’s looking at him, she wants to devour him (a feeling to which he can relate). Dean looks very, very uncomfortable.

Dean _is_ very, very uncomfortable. He remembers this woman, sort of, but he never thought he’d see her again. He thinks he hooked up with her a couple of hours away. What is she doing here? “Hey, how are you?” he asks. He doesn’t remember her name and feels pretty bad about it. Leslie? Lila? Lydia? Yeah, Lydia. Or maybe something that doesn’t start with L? _Damn, I’m an asshole_.

“Better now that I’ve seen you,” she purrs as she ignores Cas completely, going so far as to place her hand on the table and lean between them. “What are you doing after this? I’m meeting my kid’s father here to trade off for the weekend, then I’m free as a bird.”

“Well, actually…” he says as he looks around her toward Cas.  

“Oh, I’m sure your friend won’t mind. I can probably hook him up, too,” she says, barely acknowledging the man behind her as her nails dance up Dean’s chest. “So, after this?”

Dean is pissed off by her presumptuousness and rudeness to Cas. He leans back until her hand drops. “I have no idea what I’m doing after this. My husband planned the evening. What are we doing after this, Cas?” he says, peering around her.

Cas scans Dean’s face quickly, looking for… something. Does Dean want to be free? Clearly not, since he referred to him as his husband and not his friend. Does he want to be rescued from this woman? Is he just genuinely curious? The way he answered her seemed so… smooth, unrehearsed. Like he’s perfectly content being with Cas. That’s probably a bit of projection on Cas’ part, he thinks. He says the first thing that comes to mind. “Well, I bought you dinner, so…” he smirks with a wink. Dean flushes and chuckles, while the woman stands there looking embarrassed and disgusted.

“You didn’t tell me you’re gay,” she complains with an edge of anger. “If I’d known that you stick your dick in places it doesn’t belong, I wouldn’t have hooked up with you in the first place.”

“Hey, watch what you say to my husband,” Cas growls, but Dean places a hand on his arm.

“Yeah, you’re right, I did stick my dick where it doesn’t belong,” he says, looking at her pointedly and letting his insinuation sink in. When it does, he avoids looking at Cas, who he knows is laughing silently behind his hands. She frowns at him with indignance. “And you missed the more important thing here, which is that I’m _married_ , so you have a nice night.” Dean looks away and the woman stomps off.

“Wow, what a burn. Impressive,” Cas says as he raises his hand for a high five. Dean grins and slaps it. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, fine. She was rude and it pissed me off, but I’m over it.”

Cas observes him for a moment before letting the subject drop. “To answer your earlier question seriously, I really didn’t have anything else planned. With Easter tomorrow and then the thing on Monday, I figured we’d want to get to bed at a reasonable hour.”

 _The thing._ Dean sighs. “Yeah, you’re right. Damn, how’d we get so domesticated?”

“I was always domesticated. You’re the one who’s come to the Dark Side.”

“I thought the Dark Side was the gay thing,” Dean counters, referring to Cas’ statement over Thanksgiving.

Cas thinks, squinting and tapping his finger on his chin. “The Dark Side encompasses much,” he says finally, making his voice sound like Darth Vader. Dean snorts as they stand. Cas throws money on the table and they make their way home, content and relaxed in each other’s presence.  

Bobby and Ellen greet them with two freshly-bathed babies. They reach for their fathers with outstretched arms, and their fathers greet them in kind, kissing them sweetly and cuddling them before they get too squirmy. Cas takes Jamie out of Dean’s arms to put the kids to bed and faces both of them toward Dean, saying, “Say goodnight to Daddy. Dee, Dee, Dee.” The boys make stuttering “D” sounds that aren’t quite “Dada” or “Dee,” but they’re practicing. Any day now, their fathers believe. Cas knows that Dada will probably come first, since it’s an easier sound, but he practices anyway. He wants Dean to know he’s just as important. Of course, Dean does the same for Cas (“Look, there’s Dad!  Da, da, da, da!”). Dean snuffles each of them until they giggle before saying goodnight and letting Cas get them to sleep.

“You’re such a good father, Dean,” Ellen says, caressing his face fondly.  

“Good husband, too,” Bobby mutters. “Better than your daddy ever was to your mama.” Dean shoots a questioning look at him, but Bobby ignores it and shrugs into his coat. “We’ll see you four tomorrow.” He heads out the door, Ellen following after she gives him a kiss on the cheek “and a second one for Cas. Make sure he gets it, now.”  

“Yeah, sure thing,” he mumbles as the door closes.

When Cas finally comes out of the kids’ bedroom after taking longer than usual to settle them, Dean is half-asleep on the couch. “Go to bed, Dean,” Cas urges him softly.

“Yeah, yeah, alright,” he mutters groggily and stands. “Oh, Ellen left you this.” He presses the cheek Ellen kissed to Cas’, as if transferring the kiss.

Suddenly overwhelmed with Dean’s closeness and everything that’s been happening, Cas wraps his arms around him, desperate to feel him close. Dean returns it firmly, clinging hard until he realizes Cas won’t be letting go any time soon. He relaxes then, and they stay that way for a while. Cas eventually whispers, “I’m sorry, I just… needed a hug, I guess.”

“Me too, Cas,” Dean answers. Cas gives him one more squeeze before letting go and hurrying up the stairs.

Dean climbs upstairs shortly after and fully intends to collapse into bed and sleep until morning. Two hours later, he’s still awake. He texts Cas, knowing he won’t get it until the morning but not wanting to forget:

_Dean 11:35pm: Thank you for today. I needed that._

He’s surprised when he gets a response right away:

_Cas 11:36pm: I did, too. I kinda missed you, Winchester._

_Dean 11:36pm: I kinda missed you, Milton. Night._

Dean falls asleep a little easier after that.

Easter is the same as most family gatherings these days — chaotic, lively, and generally pretty fun. Hannah and Michael set up a large egg hunt, and the kids scream and laugh as they look for “their” color (Dean’s impressed by the color-coding — no fights over eggs that way). Under the merriment, though, there’s an edge of sadness. Castiel and Dean are getting divorced tomorrow. Everyone knows it but no one wants to acknowledge it, preferring instead to carry on as if it’s not happening at all. That suits Cas just fine, but Dean isn’t so sure. He’s almost relieved when Michael asks to speak to him privately once Cas is occupied with their nieces and nephew. Dean sits in Mike’s office and waits for the tongue-lashing he knows he deserves.

“So, how’s destiny treating you?” he asks. Dean is confused.

“Destiny?”

“Destiny, fate… how’s that going for you?”

“I don’t believe in that shit.”

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I…”

“You must,” Mike interrupts, “because you’re letting it make decisions for you.”

“What do you mean?”

Mike huffs and shakes his head sadly. “This is because of your father, right?” When Dean doesn’t answer, Mike continues, “The divorce. It’s about you believing that you’ll turn into your father.”

Dean inhales sharply, surprised at Mike’s observation. “It’s just time to let Cas have some freedom to find someone, that’s all.”

“Well, that’s a load of bullshit, but alright.”

“I can’t be the husband he needs.”

“You’ve done alright so far.”

“How? By roping him into a marriage he didn’t even ask for? I invited myself where I wasn’t requested. And yeah, it turned out great for us with the kids, but shit, we agreed that it would eventually end so we can have our own lives again.”

“Ah, I see. And that’s what you want. To go back to what you were doing before you married my brother.”

Dean looks away and gulps down the saliva pooling in his mouth. “I want him to have a chance to be happy.”

“He is happy.”

“I mean, to be in love.”

Mike begins to say something but stops. He stares at Dean a moment before saying, “You know, it’s funny, but you were more like your father before you got married than you are now.”

Dean looks up at Mike with a frown. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you were sleeping around, disconnected from people, not willing to have any sort of relationship with just about anyone. Almost all of your relationships were superficial. I imagine that your dad was probably the same way. I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’ve watched you. I’ve seen you change. You haven’t done any of that since you married Cas.”

“I wouldn’t do that to him.”

“I know. That’s my point.”

“I didn’t want to screw up his chances of adopting.”

“Is that really the only reason you wouldn’t?” Dean doesn’t answer, but his soft eyes and tight lips give him away. “Right,” Mike huffs. “You know, you tried to convince me destiny isn’t real, but I’m still not convinced.”

Dean frowns and looks up. “That’s kind of the opposite of what you’ve been saying. You’re trying to tell me I won’t turn into my father, yet you’re saying destiny’s a thing.”

“I don’t think those are incompatible.”

“Explain.”

“Dean, I think it was destiny that you came into my life. I was in a place in my life that was dark and desperate, and you came in and kicked my ass. Now I’m in a very different, much happier place. And I think it was destiny that you came into Cas’ life and that he came into yours. You both needed each other. Not to have kids, necessarily, although I think they were ultimately your destiny, too, even if I had reservations. But I think you two needed each other to make each other better. Cas had never really been happy, Dean. I mean, pockets of happiness, sure, but he never felt settled. When the two of you became friends, his whole outlook changed. That was before all of this kid stuff came up. And Dean, you can’t tell me that you haven’t been happy with him. Why do you think your destiny is shitty, Dean? Maybe your destiny is really, really great. Maybe you were destined to meet Cas so that you’d have to confront the shit that happened to you and let go of old ideas and ways of living that never really worked for you. Maybe it was your destiny to be with Cas so that you could be free to be yourself and not some ass-backwards version of your father.”

Dean licks his lips hard and presses his eyes shut to keep his emotions from spilling out. “Yeah, maybe,” he acknowledges. “But I’m freaked out, Mike. I can’t hurt him. I just can’t bear to do it. ‘Cause what if I can’t be what he needs? I don’t even know if I’m really gay, man. I’ve never… you know, before. And what if we’re wrong? What if my destiny is as shitty as I thought?”

“Well, as far as the gay thing, I don’t know. I just figure if you care about someone, you at least try to figure out if things can work. Just like you told me to do with Hannah. And as for destiny, if it is as shitty as you think it’s going to be, then change it. You gonna let life hand you whatever it will and settle for that, or are you gonna grab it by the balls and make what you want of it? I mean, you don’t believe in destiny, anyway. Might as well not live by its whims.” He smirks at his brother-in-law and Dean folds his arms and shakes his head, a small smile gracing his face.

“Using my words against me isn’t fair,” Dean comments.

“Sure it is. It was good advice. I’m glad I took it.” He claps Dean on the shoulder. “Listen, I could be totally wrong. But please think about what I said.”

Dean sighs. “I’m a coward, Mike.”

“No, your father was a coward. You’re afraid. What you do next will determine whether you’re a coward.”  

“I…” Dean’s thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. “Come in.”

Cas pokes his head through. “There you are. I was thinking we… oh. Sorry. Everything okay?” he asks, eyeing his brother warily.

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Dean assures him.

“Are you sure? Mike, if you’re giving him…”

“Calm down, hubby, it’s all good,” Dean says without thinking. It simultaneously alleviates Cas’ anxiety and casts a heavy shadow in the space.  

“Um, okay, well, I think we should get the kids home for their nap, if you’re ready.”

“Yeah, of course.” Cas leaves and Dean follows, sparing a glance at Mike before he goes. Mike nods at him grimly. Dean practices his breathing so he doesn’t fall apart.

At home, they have a quiet evening, playing with the kids and getting the household chores done. After the kids are in bed, Dean props himself up on one side of the sectional couch and Cas props himself on the other side. He pulls Dean’s feet onto his lap and rubs them while he reads a book on his iPad. Dean reads a paperback and tries not to think about tomorrow. “Dude,” he says after a while, “you gotta stop that. It’s too nice.”

Cas chuckles. “You can repay the favor tomorrow night, how’s that?”

Dean’s heart leaps. Cas wants them to be just like this, even after they’re divorced. There is no way in hell he deserves this man. “You got it.”

Despite the small reassurance from Cas, though, Dean has great difficulty sleeping that night. In the morning, he dresses in a daze, then drags himself down the hall to get the kids ready for the day. He hears singing and stops. Cas is already in there. Dean peeks through the partially-open door. His heart jumps into his throat as he watches Cas dance with the boys, holding one in each arm as they gently twirl around. He leans in to hear what Cas is singing and he thinks he recognizes it. Cas isn’t the best singer, but he makes up for it with his enthusiasm, which always makes Dean smile. Cas is humming — it must be the instrumental part — then picks up again:

_Late last night, I heard the screen door slam,_

_And a big yellow taxi took away my old man_

_Now don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone_

_They paved paradise and put up a parking lot_

He’s heard Cas sing this song before — a lot recently, now that he thinks about it — but it hits him differently this morning. As he watches Cas, he’s struck by all of the affection he has for him, for their family, and fear grips his heart. _That’s what I’m doing_ , he thinks. _I’m paving my paradise and putting up a cold, empty, lifeless parking lot. What the fuck?_ _Why? Why?_  

 _Because he deserves so much better than a guy who’s gonna leave._ He turns away and speeds downstairs, leaving Cas a note on the counter before sliding into the Impala and driving away in a cold sweat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Dean... :(
> 
> Do you think if we all yelled “Don’t do it!” that they would listen?
> 
> The song Cas is singing is “Big Yellow Taxi” by Joni Mitchell. (I personally enjoy the cover by Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton.)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s divorce day. :(

Cas peeks into Dean’s room before trotting downstairs with the boys. “Let’s look for Dee, hmm?” Cas says. “Dee? Dee-eee? Where are youuuuu?” he says in a gentle sing-song. “Hmm.” He rounds the corner and sees a note on the counter:

_Hey Cas — I’ll see you at the courthouse.  D_

“Okay, well, that’s weird,” Cas murmurs. “Well, your father’s weird, anyway,” he jokes to the boys, though he’s concerned and a bit hurt. He thought they would do this together. He shakes off his worry and sadness and tends to the kids until his mother and Mary arrive.

“Hey there,” he smiles when they knock and enter. “Two of you? I know they’re a handful, but I didn’t expect both of you.”

“We both wanted to come, so why not?” Laurel says. She takes Robbie and plants kisses all over his face. Mary picks up Jamie and coos at him.  

“Okay, that’s fine. They certainly won’t complain,” Cas smiles.  

“Where’s Dean?” Mary asks. Cas frowns and shrugs.

“I don’t know. He said he’s meeting me at the courthouse.”

Mary furrows her brows. “Oh. Alright. How are you doing, Cas?”

“Fine,” Cas says a little too brightly. At the women’s stares, he turns to the counter and starts rattling off the babies’ schedule while he pours coffee with trembling hands.  

“Honey…”

“I’m fine, Mom, just… it’s just weird, even if it was all fake and even if we’re still going to be best friends and co-parents after. I mean, nothing’s really changing.” He snaps the lid onto his travel mug a little too forcefully and says, “Alright, well, I’m off.” He kisses each baby and each mother goodbye before rushing out the door, studiously avoiding the women’s eyes.  

Cas sits in the parking lot, waiting to see or hear the familiar black vehicle that Dean loves so much. He checks his phone over and over until he can’t wait anymore, then heads inside, avoiding the people milling around as he keeps glancing at his phone. Dean isn’t answering any of his text messages or calls. He’s getting worried. Did he get stuck in traffic? Did he get into some sort of accident? Is he hurt or sick? Finally, just before their scheduled time, he receives a text:

_Dean 8:59am: won’t b able to make it go w/o me_

Cas frowns.

_Cas 9:00am: I can’t do this without you. We both have to be present._

_Dean 9:00am: you’ll b all set_

Cas’ frown deepens as he’s called into the courtroom. What does he mean by that? He has no time to ponder it because court is called to session. He turns off his phone and stands when their names are announced.

“Mr. Milton, good morning. We’re here to hear the petition for divorce between you and Mr. Dean Winchester, is that correct?”

He clears his throat. “Yes, but he isn’t here.”

The judge shuffles through her papers. “The court granted his petition to waive his appearance. Were you aware of this, Mr. Milton?”

Cas stares at the judge, attempting to sort his confusion and make some semblance of order out of this shitty morning. “Um, I… no. Are you saying he requested not to appear for this hearing?”

“That is correct, Mr. Milton.”

Anger boils in Castiel’s gut. _What the hell? He asked for this divorce and now he’s not here?_ **_Planned_ ** _not to be here? Without even saying anything ahead of time? Why?_

“Oh, I didn’t know,” he manages to say.

“I see. Are you ready to proceed?”

Cas chokes down his anger. “Yes, Your Honor.”

A short time later, Cas storms out of the courtroom. “Fucking asshole’s gonna get a piece of my mind,” Cas mutters through gritted teeth. He probably looks a little scary, but he really doesn’t care right now. He unlocks his car and lands in the seat with a _whump_. He turns his phone on and checks the multiple messages he missed while he was in court:

_Gabe 9:05am: Dude Dean’s at home and it isn’t good_

_Sam 9:06am: Cas, Dean’s in a bad way right now. Can you call? I’ve never seen him like this._

_Mike 9:07am: Dean isn’t coming. Call us, please. You need to know what’s going on here._

_Anna 9:07am: Are you able to come home?_

_Hannah 9:08am: I think you really need to talk to Dean. Don’t go through with this._

Cas stares incredulously at his phone as the emotions of the day slam around his ribcage. “Are you all at my fucking house?” Cas yells at the device before tossing it on the seat and barrelling home.  

When he gets home he sees that, yes, they are all at his fucking house. Cas throws his hands in the air. “What the hell are you all doing here?” he mutters as he climbs out of his car. He can’t be bothered to care, though, because there’s only one person he wants to see.  

“Dean!” he shouts when he gets inside. “Where are you, you fu-...” he starts, but stops when he sees his nephew and nieces are there. He forgot it’s school vacation week. _Damn it._ “...flapjacking armadillo?” he yells instead, mindful of the little ears. He barely notices the wide eyes directed his way as he tears through the first floor. “Somebody want to help me out and tell me where the h-e-double-hockey-sticks he is?” he addresses the gathering in the living room.

Hannah and Eileen grimace and point up. “Upstairs bathroom,” Anna clarifies with a concerned frown as Nalia, Lily, Ella and Shara play by her feet. He stomps up the stairs and nearly bowls over his niece, who is at the top.  

“Uncle Cas!” Anjuli says, beckoning him down with her hands.

“Not now, honey,” he answers, softening his voice a little. He tries to pass her, but she stops him with a hand to his pant leg.

“Uncle Cas, Uncle Dean is crying!” she says, her worried eyes and tiny, pleading voice telling him to _fix it_. Her words and her body language make him pause. He breathes deeply as he bends down on one knee and holds her at the waist, moving one hand through her tangled curls.

“Crying? What do you mean, crying?”

“He’s crying really bad!” she repeats, arms flailing for emphasis. “He came home and he was all out of breath! And he ran upstairs! Mommy said he’s not feeling good. Don’t be mad, Uncle Cas. It’s not his fault he doesn’t feel good.”

Cas deflates and gives his niece a hug. “It’s okay, Anji.”

“Hey!” she says, brightening with the idea that just popped into her head. “You can give him soup! And a hug! And let him be the boss of the TV!”  

Cas, despite the mix of emotions in his gut, chuckles. “Is that what your mom and dad do when you’re sick?”

“Yeah!”

“Well, it’s a good idea,” he smiles. “Thank you for helping. Go see what your cousins are doing, okay?” He gives her a kiss and a pat on the head.

“Okay! Bye, Uncle Cas!” Anji bounces down the stairs without a care in the world, happy to be of help. He smiles after her before walking down the hall to the bathroom, where his mother-in-law, brother-in-law, and two brothers are stationed in front of the door.  

“Excuse me,” Cas says softly as he parts them like the Red Sea. He knocks. “Dean?” He knocks again and says his name a little louder. Not getting a response again, he growls, “Dean, you need to open up this…” He feels a tug on his pant leg and notices Anji beside him, smiling encouragingly. _Great._  “...gosh darn door. Don’t make me... place my foot swiftly and firmly against your gluteus maximus.” He hears Dean snicker a little and can’t help but smile, even if he is angry at the man. “Gosh darn it, Dean, open this door, you flapjacking donkey.” He hears him snicker a little louder now, so he finishes with, “I am going to lose my… excrement if you don’t let me in. You’ll have to face me eventually.” He turns to the family gathered around him and says, “Give us a few minutes, okay?” They file downstairs, Anji blowing him a kiss before she trots away. Cas smiles softly before turning to the door and sighing.

“Dean, come on. Please,” Cas pleads against the door and waits. He hears Dean sniffling, but no other noise or movement. He sighs. “Okay, you’re making me bring out the big guns.” He reaches into his back pocket and takes out his wallet, then slips a folded piece of paper from it and slides it under the door. A minute later, the door lock snicks and Dean peeks out. His face is etched with stress, rivers of tears filling the carved lines of his worn, sleep-deprived face. Cas’ anger slows to a trickle and he nudges his way inside, closing the door behind him. He gazes at Dean and waits, arms folded loosely as if he’s hugging himself.

“Our vows,” Dean says, holding up the now-unfolded paper Cas had slipped under the door. “That was low.”

“Made you open the door,” Cas shrugs.

Dean nods. “Is it done?” he asks hoarsely, eyes downcast.

“No, it’s not done, asshole,” he says grumpily before pulling him into a hug. “I’m still your husband, so tough shit.” A fresh wave of tears soaks Cas’ neck as Dean clings to him desperately. He hears Dean say “Thank you, God,” voice garbled by his tightened throat. Cas rocks him and rubs his back and waits.

“I couldn’t do it,” Dean sobs haltingly against Cas’ collarbone. “I heard you singing to the kids this morning and I thought about how I’m throwing away the best thing to ever happen to me and I drove around and I knew I needed to do it for you but I just couldn’t make myself go. I tried, but the closer I got to the courthouse I just felt sick and I started shaking and I just couldn’t.”

“Dean…”

“And I started hyperventilating and my heart was pounding, like I could hear it in my ears, and I don’t even remember driving home. I showed up and everyone was here and they tried to talk to me but I was so freaked out that I just hid. I didn’t even trust myself to hold the boys ‘cause I was shaking so bad and I couldn’t breathe.”

Cas threads his fingers through Dean’s hair, gently scratching his scalp. “Oh, Dean, I wish you’d just called me. Or answered your damn phone.”  

“I know, Cas, but I didn’t want you not to do it just because of me.”

“Is that why you filed that motion? That pissed me off, you know.”

Dean breathes heavily for a moment before saying, “I know. I’m sorry. It was a shitty thing to do. I just… I planned to show up, I swear, but I was scared this would happen and I didn’t want you to not be able to get the divorce just because I couldn’t go through with it. That wouldn’t have been fair to you. So I just planned ahead in case.”

“Dean, I didn’t want the divorce in the first place. You did.”

“I asked, yeah, I know. I… I didn’t _really_ want it, I’m just… you know, afraid to be like my dad, to hurt you. I can’t do that to you, Cas. But I’m selfish, too, because I just didn’t want to let you go.”

Cas leans back from Dean until he can see his face. “You know what’s really interesting?” he asks, grasping his husband’s arms. Dean shakes his head, and Cas thumbs away a tear from his stubble. “You were so scared of marriage, of getting close to anyone, because you were afraid you’d leave the marriage, that you’d abandon your spouse the way your father did and cause the same pain he did. But you abandoned me by staying. You abandoned me at the courthouse so you could stay in the marriage, leaving me to deal with the divorce. Weird, huh?”

Dean thinks about Cas’ statement. It makes him feel horrible. “Cas, I’m sorry…”

“You fought so hard to avoid becoming him that you became him.”

“I’m so…”

“You don’t even realize that you’re so different than him, always have been. You’re so different than him that the only way you could become him was to fight against yourself.”

Dean’s eyes dart around Cas’ chest and neck. Maybe that’s what he’s been doing. Maybe for years. “I never thought of it that way,” he admits.

“But now you’re free, right?”

Dean meets his eyes, his confusion a stark contrast to Cas’ confidence. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you became him. You fulfilled the prophecy. But now we’re on the other side. It’s done. No more prophecies. And now you’re free to live your life the way you want. You get to choose. Right?”

Dean licks his lips and exhales gently over Cas’ face. Cas can see the gears turning in his mind. “Yeah, I guess,” he says eventually. Cas nods and holds Dean’s gaze in his own. “But still, that doesn’t mean I won’t hurt you someday…”

“You already hurt me, Dean. But I’m still here. That fear doesn’t have to have any more power over you, honey.”

Dean’s face crumbles and Cas gathers him into another embrace. He realizes he used the endearment his mother uses, the one that conveys love and acceptance and understanding in two sweet syllables. He sighs into Dean’s hair and feels his arms tighten around him. It feels so right, being like this. So intimate. And that brings him to his question, a question he’s afraid to ask, the question that’s been on his mind since he stood in the courtroom just a short time ago and told the judge they were dropping the petition for divorce.

“Dean?” Cas asks gently. Dean draws back and raises his eyebrows subtly. Cas searches his eyes. “Why don’t you want to get divorced?”

Dean is so afraid to tell Cas the truth. When he ran out earlier, it was the result of months — years, probably — of growing intimacy and desire for emotional, and now physical, closeness. He was so scared of it — has been so scared his whole life — that when he could no longer deny it, he had to go. Actually, it wasn’t really when he couldn’t deny it… it was when he didn’t _want_ to deny it, when he realized he _wanted_ it for himself and was compelled to _pursue_ it that he ran. There was a time when he couldn’t wrap his head around wanting something so badly that he’d do whatever it takes to get it. He understands now. And when he realized that, he knew that he couldn’t stay, despite how badly he wanted to. He couldn’t be the husband Cas deserved, because he was fundamentally flawed.

But maybe it’s his thinking that’s been flawed this whole time. Maybe Cas and Mike and everyone else are right. Maybe he’s not like his father. Maybe destiny isn’t a fickle jackass. Maybe he just got some shit luck and some shitty thinking patterns followed in the wake of that bad luck. Maybe he _can_ stay, has always wanted to stay but never let himself… until Cas. Maybe he can face the things he fears. After all, Cas stayed, too. Maybe he’ll keep staying.

“I, uh,” he starts, then clears his throat. “Cas, I… I don’t want to get divorced because I… because happiness is being married to your best friend, and I’m so happy with you.” Cas’ warm smile gives Dean the courage to continue. “And I, um… I’m attracted to you. Emotionally. And um, physically, too. I just… I mean, I’ve never wanted a guy physically before and, um, I don’t know what to do or how far I want to go, or can go, um, physically, with a guy, ‘cause I don’t know what I’m doing, so, you know. Um, I don’t know if you’re attracted to me too or how much you’re willing to put up with from me. I mean, if you feel the same I’ll definitely try, I…”

“Dean,” Cas says, smiling. He takes Dean’s face in his hands and smooths his thumbs over his cheeks. “You’re panicking.”

“I know, I know,” he says, leaning into Cas’ touch. “This is just so important, and I don’t want to mess up, I mean more than I already have, and…”

“Dean, honey, stop.” Dean stops. “I am so happy being married to you, and I am very attracted to you.”

“Yeah?” Dean asks, hopeful.

“Yes. We’ll work out the emotional stuff with your dad and whatnot. You’ve come so far already. You stayed.” He tenderly tucks in a piece of hair that was displaced by Dean’s anxious fingers earlier. “And as for the physical stuff, don’t worry, okay? We have time. We won’t even get to anal sex until the second date, and fisting is saved for date four.”

Dean blanches before watching Cas’ poker face break into a laugh. “You are such an asshole,” Dean grumbles, though he can’t help laughing, too.  

“Oh, Dean. Such an easy target,” Cas teases before clasping his hands behind his husband’s neck. “Listen, just because we have a physical attraction to each other doesn’t mean we start there, okay? Let’s take it slow. Date. Romance each other. Let the tension build a little. If we want to have a physical relationship, we’ll do it at your pace. How does that sound?”

Dean clutches tighter onto Cas’ waist, tugging him in gently and touching their foreheads together. He’s so happy he could burst, so grateful for this incredible man, but he presses his lips together in hesitation and averts his eyes. “What if… I mean, what if I never want to, or can’t, you know, have anal sex?”

“Well,” Cas shrugs, “I mean, I enjoy it, but it’s not a deal-breaker. Plenty of couples don’t.”

“Really? Oh. Um, that’s…” Dean stops and meets Cas’ eyes, so soft and understanding. “Damn it, Cas, there’s no way in hell I deserve you, but I wanna be with you anyway. I wanna stay with you.”

“So stay,” Cas whispers. “And if you get scared and you feel like running, run to me, not away from me, okay? We can figure it out together.”

Dean nods and pulls Cas’ body against his, feeling his heart dance in his chest like that lady in _The Sound of Music_. “Best husband ever,” he whispers in Cas’ ear. Cas hugs him a little tighter.

“Hey,” Cas says, backing up but not letting go, “how about we turn this day around and go on a date?”

“Right now?”

“Sure. We’re all dressed up and we have ample babysitters. And speaking of that, why the hell are they even here, anyway?”

“I have no idea. But yes. I’d love to.” His heart flutters wildly at the smile that overtakes Cas’ handsome face, and he’s sure that he’s wearing an identical one. “Um, we should probably let our families know that you didn’t kill me. And maybe find out why they’re all here.” Cas laughs and they separate and start to leave the bathroom, but the piece of paper catches Dean’s eye and he stops.  

“Hey Cas?” he asks, lifting the paper between his thumb and index finger. He notices the worn folds and the mottled gray areas on the surface of the softened page. “Have you been carrying this in your wallet?”  

“Yeah,” he admits shyly.

Dean reads the words again before folding the paper and giving it to Cas, who places it back in its spot. “Make me a copy?” Dean asks.  

“Sure,” he smiles. He feathers his fingers through Dean’s hair before turning and leaving the bathroom, Dean following.  

They walk down the stairs and into the living room, where several sets of eyes meet theirs. The air is thick with anticipation. “Everything okay?” Laurel asks.

Cas meets her eyes solemnly. “Mom, are you able to stay for a while?”

“Of course, honey.”

“Great,” Cas says, no longer able to suppress his smile. Dean offers his hand and Cas grips it tightly, feeling the wedding ring Dean never took off pressing into his fingers. “Dean and I want to go out on a date.”

Elated cheers rise into the air as their family members stand and inundate them with hugs and kisses.  

“You can’t go on a date, sillies! You’re just married!” Anjuli states as fact.  

“Yes they can, because that’s how they stay in love,” Lily explains to her younger cousin. “Just like my mom and dad.” Cas catches Mike and Hannah smile at each other.

“We are so happy for you,” Mary smiles with pride.

“Thanks, Mom,” Dean says before squeezing Cas’ hand, then letting go. He turns to Cas and waves to own face. “I’m gonna just clean up a little. I’ll be right back.” His goofy smile never wavers as he backs out of the room, keeping his eyes on Cas. He whoops loudly as he runs up the stairs. Their assembled family members laugh uproariously as Cas follows his departing form with lovesick eyes.

A smile still gracing his features, Cas turns to their happy family members and asks, “So, what are you all doing here, exactly? Did you all take the day off?” He gets several nods and shrugs in response. He arches a brow. “Why?”

“Well, we knew you guys might not be feeling good when you got back,” Gabe says, choosing his words carefully and giving Cas a meaningful look as he picks up a squirmy Anjuli and plops her onto his lap. “And we take care of each other when we don’t feel good, right, love?” he asks his daughter.

“Right, Daddy!” she grins. “But you feel better, right, Uncle Cas?”

“So, so much better,” Cas answers. He’s filled with love and gratitude for their families.

“You too, Uncle Dean?” she asks as she peers behind Cas, where Dean has reappeared.

“Me too, baby girl. A million times better,” he answers, coming around to plant a kiss on her loose, straggly curls. She beams.

The men take a few minutes to hug everyone and to kiss their sons goodbye. “Alright, we’re heading out,” Cas says as Dean joins his side and takes his hand. “Behave yourselves. Love you guys.”

“Love you!” their families call. As they head out the door, Dean and Cas hear Anji say, “Do we still get pizza? Daddy said we would get them pizza and beer to cry in if they didn’t feel good.” They laugh as they hear Kali chewing her husband out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! :) I think we all feel better, Anjuli! <3
> 
> My apologies if I got any details regarding the court process wrong. Call it creative license. ;)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dating dads!
> 
> Thank you to all of you who have beeen following this story! <3 We have several chapters to go, so hopefully you’re not sick of it yet. ;P

For their first date, right after their almost-divorce, they go to their favorite brunch spot and enjoy an early lunch. The waitress greets them cheerfully and smiles when they hold hands. They talk about the heavy topics — the pain of the last couple of months, how they’ll manage dating and their marriage and parenthood and what they’ll do if dating doesn’t work out, the ghost of Dean’s father’s bad decisions — but also about lighter topics — their mutual attraction, their epic romance neither knew was happening, the excitement of what’s to come, Dean “dating” for the first time at 36. There’s a lightness in the air when they pay their check, a hopefulness taking root. When they get back home, Dean leans in to kiss his date, only to be held back by a warm palm on his chest.

“I don’t kiss on the first date,” Cas explains.

Dean, who’s done way more after knowing someone only a couple of hours, isn’t sure whether Cas is being serious. He goes with it as if it’s a joke and asks teasingly, “Oh yeah? And why is that?”

“Well, because if I don’t care to go on another date, I’m not misleading my partner. And if I do want another date,” he says, inching closer to Dean’s face, “then hopefully I’ve left my partner wanting more.”

Dean gulps. He had no idea that _not_ engaging in physical intimacy could turn him on. “Um, yeah,” he sighs on an exhale. “Another date. Yeah. Soon, right?”

“Soon,” he chuckles, smoothing a hand over Dean’s face before opening the door to their house. The boys squeal and crawl toward them and the date is officially over, lost to the reality of parenthood.

Their second date, just a couple of days later, Dean takes Cas to their favorite German restaurant. Cas is surprised when they aren’t seated in the dining room, but rather are seated at a table in the kitchen.

“The Chef’s Table,” Cas says, eyes wide and excited — just the reaction Dean had hoped for.

“We’ve never done this, so I thought it would be cool. You know, romantic. And he’s gonna show you how to make a couple of things,” Dean says, fighting to speak through the weird, giddy bashfulness that shivers through his belly and chest.

Cas wraps an arm around his neck and pulls him close. “It _is_ romantic. I love it,” Cas says against his cheek. The weird feeling intensifies and Dean rubs his face against Cas’, desperate to scratch the itch he feels around his husband now that he’s freed himself to fully experience it. Cas leans back and smiles softly, holding Dean’s gaze for a moment before he pulls away and sits. It leaves Dean feeling lightheaded. At the end of the evening, just before they go inside, they close the space between them and kiss chastely, mouths loose as they join over and over but tongues kept firmly in place. Dean is dizzy with it. When he begins to press for more, Cas gently withdraws. “Want to make sure you stay interested,” Cas murmurs to Dean’s tiny whimper of protest. _Not a problem,_  Dean thinks.

Two days later, on date three (thank God for school vacation and a plethora of babysitters), Dean packs a couple of backpacks and their mountain bikes and drives them to Middlesex Fells Reservation, where they spend the day biking and hiking the trails, having lunch along Spot Pond. Cas doesn’t make him wait until the end of the date this time, leaning in eagerly when they stop for a breather along the Reservoir Trail and cupping Dean’s sweaty, flushed face in his gloved hand. They knock helmets and laugh as they adjust, then they finally taste each other, salty exertion mingled with the sweetness of minty candy. Groaning softly and breathing heavily, they part and Cas smiles wickedly before pedaling off, urging Dean to race him. Dean follows, thinking that if their hearts were racing, he’d certainly be winning.

They want to squeeze in another date before Dean heads back to work on Monday, but the kids are a little out of sorts and the dads decide it’s more important to spend time with them and get them back into their routine. On Saturday they take them to the library and take a walk around their neighborhood, stopping to visit with Kelly and Luke and their son, Jack, who was a baby when they moved into the house but is a robust 18-month-old now. Their dog gives the boys lots of kisses, making them shriek in delight. Jack is fascinated by the boys, showing them his toys and calling them both “Baby” because he can’t remember their names and he can’t tell them apart, anyway. On Sunday, they go out for doughnuts and coffee, and the boys get lots of attention from young and old alike. Dean and Cas make eyes at each other over their sons’ heads. They spend the rest of the rainy day at home, catching up on chores, playing with the kids, and eating Cas’ homemade chili and cornbread, which Cas breaks up into several lunch portions for Dean for the week. After the kids are in bed, Dean grabs the white cheddar popcorn and queues up _Scott Pilgrim vs. the World_. They sit cross-legged next to each other and share their snack. Dean wants to kiss him, badly, but they haven’t kissed outside of dates and he’s not sure if Cas wants to yet, so he doesn’t. He figures that even though they’re married and living together and raising children, they’re still a new couple. He wants this to work. It’s worth taking their time.

On Monday, Dean meets his little family at the door to say goodbye. It’s the same as always, but so very, very different. He nuzzles each of his little guys, then chomps on their fingers playfully and grins at their squeals. Then he turns his attention to Cas, who’s gazing at him softly. He knows that look, has seen it a hundred times, but it feels different now. It’s the look of affection, of humor, trust, and joy, and maybe something more. Dean takes them in his arms and buries his face in Cas’ neck, breathing him in as he breathes his own nervous energy out. He hugs his family tighter as Cas rubs a cheek into his hair before removing his head suddenly. “I’m messing up your hair,” he explains. Dean chuckles and assures Cas it’s totally worth it.

The first day back at work is always chaotic — everyone asking each other how things are, scurrying around, drinking extra-strong coffee. And that’s before all the kids arrive. Dean walks into the library for their staff meeting with a bounce in his step. He grins at Jo, because she knows why he’s in such a good mood, before he heads for his usual spot. Crowley intercepts him.

“Well, look at you, Mr. Winchester,” he comments. “You look like your old self again. Well, your new old self. Not the old old self.” At Dean’s confused look, he clarifies, “You know, when you were single and dreadfully unhappy. That old old self. You look like your happily married new old self again.”

“Well, gee, Crowley, I didn’t know you cared,” he comments with a grin.  

“I try not to,” he snarks loudly, but then leans toward Dean and lowers his voice. “But really, we were getting a little worried about you. You seemed a bit less exuberant the last couple of months.”

Dean bites his lip and nods. He hadn’t realized he’d been that obviously stressed. “Uh, yeah. Hit a little bump in the road. Needed that April vacation to get everything back on track.”

“Well, you seem like you’re chugging along now. It’s good to see.” He walks away before Dean can answer. Crowley isn’t given to sincerity, preferring a dark, sarcastic humor, so Dean appreciates his effort all the more.

“Hello, sweetie! You are _glowing!”_ Donna gushes as she pulls him into a hug. “Get some good lovin’ in with the hubby?”

“Donna!” he says in mock shock. She giggles and smiles brightly at him. “Yeah, we got the chance to have some time together. It was great.”

“Aww, I’m glad! Raising kids is so tough. Good for you guys for finding some time for the two of you. Looks like you needed it.”

“We did. Things are awesome now.”

“Well, good. I missed that smile on your face. You look happier now than ever.”

“I am,” Dean beams.

Cas sequesters himself inside his office after Hannah arrives and grills him about their dates (and teases him mercilessly about his dopey grin, of course), but he can’t really focus on his projects. Every time he tries, his mind wanders to his husband’s eyes, his lips, his hands, his tight ass. Mmm. He puts a halt to that line of thought. Dating Dean has been incredible so far, and being with him feels fresh and wondrous even though they’ve known each other for around three years now, counting the time they were merely acquaintances. He feels giddy and silly, like cartoon hearts are floating around him, Cupid’s arrows sticking out of his chest. He’d say he feels like a high schooler, but his high school experiences were awkward, secretive, and mostly frightening, nothing like the expansiveness he feels around Dean.  

He keeps expecting Dean to freak out. He’s done plenty of freaking out about the whole turning-into-Dad thing, but almost none about the dating-a-man thing. It’s one thing to pretend you’re into men, even if the whole world knows. It’s another thing to actually admit it to yourself. Usually it goes in the reverse order, but when have they ever done things in the correct order? Cas chuckles to himself. Leave it to them to have to deal with Dean’s coming out after they’ve been married for a year and a half.  

Despite the ease with which Dean seems to be handling the process, Cas is cautious about throwing himself at the man. It would be oh-so-easy to do. He’s kept their encounters limited to their dates, not wanting to confuse their courtship with their marriage and parenting (which sounds all kinds of crazy). But it’s difficult. Strangely, it feels like they’re acting less romantic toward each other now than before they started dating, at least outside of their dates. Before, they wouldn’t think anything about snuggling against each other when they watch a movie or casually resting a hand on a shoulder. Now everything feels more charged. Maybe that’s the difference, Cas thinks.  

But would it be so bad, really? Should he really treat Dean like a china doll? No, he’s never had a relationship with a man, but shouldn’t Cas be helping him push his comfort level? His mind runs back to a thought he’d had during his conversation with Hannah a while back, when she found out they were divorcing. He was thinking about authenticity and truth and about Dean’s coming out process, wondering if Dean wasn’t feeling brave enough and looking for some sort of sign or guidance from Cas, the more experienced one in these matters. Now he’s wondering the same thing. Dean seems to be enjoying himself so far. Maybe he can push it more. Maybe it can bleed into their daily lives. It’s foolish to think that it wouldn’t, really. Despite wanting to date, the truth is that their lives are intertwined much more than the average dating couple. His feelings, too, are much deeper than what they would normally be at this stage in the relationship. Should he really just ignore that? Ignore their shared history, everything they’ve been through together? Maybe Dean’s feelings run deeper, too. Cas decides he’s going to think about that a bit and, maybe, try something out.

The next morning, Dean and Cas and the boys run through their usual routine, but when Dean turns toward the door after saying goodbye, Cas says his name.  

“Yeah?” he asks. He’s breathing shallowly and licking his lips, and that’s all the confirmation Cas needs.

“Take Jamie for a sec.” He seems confused but does as he’s asked, and just as he settles him on his hip and turns back to Cas, Cas smooths his hand along the nape of Dean’s neck and kisses him. He keeps it simple and modest, alighting on his lips softly, and when they pull apart Cas asks, “Was that okay to do?”

“More than okay,” Dean confirms. He kisses Cas in return, another light press of lips and a huffed breath. Cas opens his eyes as Dean chuckles.

“What?”

“Nothin’, just happy,” Dean explains. He gives Jamie back, reluctantly moving his hand off Cas’ back. His eyes linger on Cas’ face as he opens the door and their eyes stay locked until the door is closed between them. Cas exhales a contented sigh. He looks forward to their evening.

Later, Dean sits next to Donna in the cafeteria as they watch over their students. He’s absently pulling out his lunch items (leftover chili, cornbread, a bottle of water, and mini muffins) and telling two of his students to keep their hands to themselves.  

“Dropped something, Mr. Winchester,” Donna says as she picks it up. “Aww! Your husband is the cutest!”

Dean glances at the paper in her hand. It’s a little note from Cas, jotted on the paper they use for their grocery lists:

_I’ll be thinking of you today. XO - Cas_

The stupid smile from the note is still on his face when he comes home to fake candlelight and the smell of chicken piccata. After greeting the boys, he swings Cas away from the stove and dips him, following him with a playful kiss that Cas returns with a delighted laugh.  

And so it goes the rest of the week… Cas leaving Dean notes in his lunch bag, Dean leaving Cas notes on the kids’ bottles or in his office, kissing sweetly in the morning before work, snuggling on the couch, brushing hands when they pass each other. By Friday morning’s kiss, the sweetness between them yields to a hint of spice underneath when Cas captures Dean’s lip between his teeth as they part. He can’t help himself. He wants to see how far Dean will walk with him. If Dean’s dilated pupils are any indication, he’s game to follow. Dean tries to dive in again, but Robbie stops him with a spit-laden swat to his chin. “Aw, little dude, not cool,” Dean says as he wipes the drool off his son’s chin before wiping off his own. Cas isn’t sure whether he means the spitty swat or the blocked attempt at another kiss, but he laughs anyway. Dean gives him a playful scowl before breaking into a smile as he leaves. That smile leaves Cas almost as breathless as Dean’s kisses do. Almost. He wonders what else Dean can do to leave him breathless.

On Saturday, date four, Cas drops hints at what he’s planned for their date, but not enough for Dean to figure it out. He laughs when he finally sees what they’re doing.

“Axe throwing? Seriously?”

“Sure. What’s more romantic than you showing me how manly you are?” He wiggles his eyebrows and grins.

“I hope you’re turned on by my embarrassment, then, ‘cause I don’t know how this is gonna go,” he jokes to dissipate the desire to show off to Cas, some primal urge to prove his virility. Cas rolls his eyes and hovers his lips over Dean’s.

“You are an amazing man already,” Cas murmurs only for the two of them. “I just wanted to see your muscles flex under that t-shirt.” He eyes him up and down, then purses his lips in amusement as he turns away. Dean swallows down a mix of nervousness and arousal at Cas’ boldness.

“Hey, don’t objectify me,” Dean squawks as he races to catch up.

Cas turns, wide-eyed, as his stomach sinks. He’s almost positive Dean is joking, but what if he pushed him too far? And isn’t that what every partner in his life has done — objectified him? “You’re right. I’m very sorry,” he says once Dean is in front of him again. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” He looks toward the ground, rubbing his arm with his hand. Dean’s breath hitches as he watches the long, deft fingers glide across the bare skin before his mind catches up. He’d only been joking, but now it sounds like Cas feels bad.

“No, I was kidding,” Dean says hurriedly, grabbing his arms. “I swear. I’m sorry. Please don’t feel bad.” When Cas only nods, Dean adds, “I want you to.”

“Want me to what? Objectify you? Haven’t you had enough of that?”

“No… this is different, Cas.”

“This is new to you.  I told you we’d go at your pace. And I don’t want you to think this is only physical.”

“No, I know that, Cas. Everything we’ve been through, everything between us, the feelings I get around you… that’s not just physical. But, you know, I want it to be. I mean, not _just_ , but I mean, I want you to want me in that way, too.”

Cas nods and watches him thoughtfully. “Do you… how are you feeling about things so far? Are you still feeling attracted to me?”

“Hell yeah, Cas, fuck,” Dean enthuses. He nudges into Cas’ space. “I’m nervous, yeah, but it’s a good nervous, I think. Every time I kiss you I just… I wonder, you know? How it’ll be next. I mean, before we kissed — you know, for real — it was the same. I was always on the edge, wondering. It was kinda fun, actually.” His eyes dance and Cas watches him with interest, urging him to continue with raised brows. “I mean, I’ve never… what did you call it? Courted? I’ve never courted anyone. Never had to wait to get satisfied. Never had that… thrill of the chase, you know?”

“The anticipation.”

“Exactly. And I’ve liked that, even though it’s killing me.”

“Killing you?” Cas asks, amused now.

Dean snickers. “Dude, first you didn’t even let me kiss you, then you kept it all nicey-nice, then you gave me a little more but didn’t let me get all handsy. It drove me nuts, so nuts that I forgot to be nervous. And you keep holding back, makin’ me wait. I mean, we haven’t even made out yet. You haven’t let me touch you. You just keep me wanting, and I kinda like wanting a little. So yeah, it’s kinda awesome even though you’re completely killing me.”

Understanding now that his “take it slow” method is having a positive effect, both stoking his interest and providing him with some time and space to get used to things without rushing mindlessly into them, Cas asks, “And what would you want to do, Dean? If you could?”

“I’d want to see what’s under _your_ t-shirt,” Dean murmurs.

“You already know,” he responds with a teasing lilt. “How many times have you seen me shirtless?”

“True. But maybe I could see up close. Touch those muscles you’ve built up at the gym. Maybe you could show me sometime,” Dean suggests hesitantly. Cas sees arousal and anxiety in his gaze as Dean worries his bottom lip and fingers the sleeve of Cas’ shirt. He wants to be ready, Cas thinks. He’s testing out the idea, getting used to it. And he _is_ turned on. He said so himself. He just needs a hand to hold onto, maybe. A little reassurance and guidance and encouragement. Someone to help him wade through the exhilarating but unfamiliar territory.

“Mmm, maybe I could. But not tonight,” Cas says, reassuring him that he’s open to the idea yet there’s no rush. He strokes his face and turns toward the door. “Tonight we throw axes. Come on, my hot, studly husband.” He hears Dean chuckle as Cas takes his hand and they head inside.

Axe throwing is a perfect excuse to ogle, and as Dean watches Cas, he can’t help but stare as his back muscles ripple through the thin cotton across his shoulders. Feeling physically aroused about a man is still new to him, but this is Cas. He’s wanted him longer than he was willing to admit before, probably longer than he was able to even allow himself before. He’s been thinking more about that recently, about how his romantic attraction to men has been there for a long time and how he never really allowed himself to dwell on it much, afraid of what it might lead to and what it might mean about him. He doesn’t even know why he was afraid. Was he ashamed? Maybe, though he knows he shouldn’t have been. He wonders how different his life would be if he hadn’t tried to suppress that part of him. Would he have had a happier life? Probably. Maybe he would’ve had some real relationships. That brings him back to the turning-into-Dad thing, though, so even if he’d been loud-and-proud he probably would’ve avoided relationships anyway. But he’s a damn adult now, and he isn’t his father. He’s a father himself, and he wants to be a better example for his boys than his father was for him. He wants to show them that they can be whoever they want and have a relationship with whoever they want. He wants them to know that he’ll love them no matter what. Maybe his father will never tell him that, but he doesn’t have to continue the pattern. It’s time to live for them. It’s time to live for himself. And that includes wanting Cas. He just wishes he wasn’t so nervous sometimes. But he’s going to keep running toward Cas, not away. Never again.

“Your turn, stud,” Cas winks as he nods at him to take his spot. Dean blushes, unaccustomed to but thrilled by Cas’ saucy smirk and roaming eyes. Cas notices. _He likes this._  “Show me what you got,” he purrs in his ear, squeezing his hand before moving out of the throwing zone. The instructor, a guy named Dan, chuckles as Dean clears his throat and his head, both clogged with the thick heat of want.

“How long have you been together?” Dan asks.

“Married a year and a half,” Dean answers easily. “Two kids.”

“Well damn, you’ve got it all, dontcha?” he says.

Dean looks over at Cas, who’s holding his phone up to take photos or a video. He peeks above the top of his phone to smile affectionately at his husband, giving him a silly wave and a thumbs-up. It’s funny and completely endearing how Cas can go from hotter-than-hell boyfriend to dorky best friend in two seconds flat. “Yeah, I really do,” Dean answers the instructor. “Help me not look like an idiot in front of him, okay?”

“Dude, I don’t think it would matter,” Dan laughs, watching the two of them.

Despite his worries, Dean does very well. “You looked good throwing those axes,” Cas comments as they’re leaving.

“Sam says I dress like a lumberjack,” he says, referring to his favorite flannels he wears on his days off. “I’m a natural.”

“You can jack my lumber anytime,” Dean thinks he hears Cas murmur, and it punches a laugh out of him.

“What?” Cas asks.

“Your comment, you snarky little shit.”

“What comment?”

Dean glances at Cas, who looks at him blankly. “What you just said.”

“What?”

Dean stares at him. Had he misheard? “Never mind,” he mutters. He slides into the passenger seat and misses Cas’ tiny smirk.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution: fluff and a little more ahead.

Despite their mutual desire for another date on Sunday, it doesn’t happen. The boys are _very_ cranky in the morning, and they don’t want to put any of their family or friends into that situation. They’re sleepy but eating like horses, so the dads figure the boys are hitting another growth spurt. They keep things low-key and hang out at home in their pajamas, playing and singing and working with them on their pulling up and cruising. Dean chases them, crawling on his knees as they screech and scramble away. He thinks he hears Cas mumble something about looking good on his hands and knees, but when he looks up at Cas his gaze is focused on the boys. Cas smiles to himself as soon as Dean is turned away. Dean sneaks peeks at Cas throughout the day, and his swirly bedhead and soft eyes do something to him that he has to work hard to push down. Family time is really not the time to start having lustful thoughts. Cas catches his eyes once and winks, which really doesn’t help.   

Dean is exhausted come Monday morning, as is Cas, but at least the kids seem to be in better moods. As Dean grabs his keys he sees Cas standing by the door, shirtless, and Dean’s mind starts to wander. He swallows hard as he approaches his husband, who has Robbie in his arms. Jamie is still sleeping. “Take him for a sec?” Cas asks. He pulls on the shirt he’d draped over one of the chairs (much to Dean’s disappointment), then hugs them both and presses a lingering kiss on Dean’s lips before taking Robbie again. “Have a good day,” Cas says, eyes and voice both smokier than usual. Or maybe that’s just Dean’s imagination.

The rest of the week is filled with teasing, a delicious tension that’s driving Dean mad with want, even if he is a little nervous. Cas spends the week running around with either no shirt or a shirt that leaves little to the imagination. He showers in the shared bathroom instead of his en suite and writes Dean notes on the mirror that he sees after he showers. The notes are innocent enough, but Dean imagines Cas writing them in the condensation, naked and thinking of him, and shivers tickle his entire body. On Thursday night Cas takes a shower before bed, then comes out to say good night. Dean gasps and nearly drops his book at the sight of him, damp with a towel tied around his waist. Cas doesn’t say anything about Dean’s obvious surprise and arousal. Instead, he hovers above him, keeping Dean’s hands down with one hand while he supports himself with the other, and surrounds Dean’s mouth with his own. The water from his hair mingles with the sweat breaking out on Dean’s forehead. It’s barely a kiss — there’s not even tongue — but Dean needs his own shower as Cas breathes, “Good night, Dean,” then walks away as if he didn’t just activate every nerve ending Dean has. That night, he finally allows himself to jerk off to visions of Cas, and he’s shocked at how hard his orgasm rocks him.

A knock at the door on Friday morning surprises Dean. He makes sure the kids are securely buckled in their highchairs before opening the door to Hannah.

“You’re early,” Dean says as she sets her things down.

“Yeah. Cas asked me to come over early so he could get a few things done. He has a meeting, I think? And a doctor’s appointment?”

“Oh yeah,” he says. He thinks Cas mentioned having a couple of appointments today.

“Hey, Han. Thank you,” Cas says as he comes into the kitchen, dressed in an electric blue dress shirt and black denim blazer that hugs his arms just right. A tantalizing smell wafts off the man. Dean leans in closer to get another whiff, and Cas smiles at him, giving him a saucy wink.

“You’re, uh, all dressed up. Must be some meeting,” Dean stammers.

“Not really. Just my editor. He insisted on lunch at The Palm after our meeting.” Cas shrugs and pours his coffee into a travel cup.

Dean shifts from foot to foot, staring at the floor. Cas’ editor, Flynn, is a handsome, accomplished gay man who Dean always thought had an eye for Cas. “Nice place.”

“I guess. I’ve never been, but that’s what Balth tells me. It’s more his thing. He brings Tabby there a lot.”

“Still with her, huh?”

“Amazingly, yes. Seems someone has finally captured his attention. Well, I’m off. Heading to the doctor’s first, then to see Flynn, then I’ll be home.”

“‘Kay. I’ll head out with you.”

The men kiss their kids and hug Hannah before walking out.

“Have fun,” Dean calls over the hood of his car. “Just… not too much fun.”

Cas arches a brow. “I hardly think a meeting and a checkup can be classified as ‘too much fun.’”

“Yeah, I know. I was thinking of, uh, lunch.”

“Lunch? With Flynn, you mean?”

Dean tosses his keys from palm to palm. “Yeah,” he says quietly. He knows he’s being ridiculous, but he can’t help it. “I hear he gets grabby after a couple of drinks,” he jokes.

Cas gazes at Dean for a moment, realizing what’s going on, and marvels at how Dean could even think he wants anyone else. He’s teased the man all week, pushing his comfort zone, but he refuses to tease him about this. He rounds the vehicles and stands before Dean, then pulls him into a scorching kiss that he hopes leaves no room for doubt. Dean moans into Cas’ mouth once he gets with the program and clutches at the denim under his fingers, tugging him closer. Cas gives a final curl of his tongue and a gentle nip at his lip before separating. As Dean stares at him dazedly, panting and flushed, Cas cradles his face in his hands and says, “You never, ever have to be jealous or worried. I want you and only you. Okay?”

Dean nods, still trembling. “The clothes and cologne…?”

“I just wanted you to notice me,” he grins with a shrug.  

“Trust me, I noticed,” Dean says, a little smile creeping onto his face. Cas laughs, a nose-scrunching, head-throwing thing that Dean adores. He presses their foreheads together and rubs Cas’ nose with his own. “Sorry. I trust you, I really do. Just got scared.”

“I know you do.” He locks their lips together once again before saying, “We are both going to be so late.”

Dean glances over his shoulder at the cheap plastic clock above the workbench. “Shit!” he says. He gives Cas one more peck before taking off, Cas laughing and shaking his head in his wake.

Of course, Dean had nothing to worry about. Cas texted him throughout the day, and Dean knows he did it in part to ease his mind. When he gets home, he expects the usual greeting — babies screeching excitedly as they barrel to the door and Cas flitting around the kitchen, cleaning up from the day and getting supper ready. Instead, Cas greets him at the door, still smelling and looking so good, and kisses him tenderly. Dean melts into the kiss, slowly exhaling the fear of losing Cas.

“I’m sorry, Cas,” he says when they part.

“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m glad you told me you got scared. We’re supposed to be sharing these things, remember? Vows.”

“Yeah,” Dean says, leaning in for another light, reassuring kiss. “It’s weird being on the other side. Being the one scared of being left.”

“Maybe you always were. Maybe that’s why you never wanted to stay.”

Dean pauses to consider that. It makes sense, considering his father’s abandonment. “Yeah.”

“Well, I want to show you how incredible you are. Come on.” He takes his hand and leads him to the bathroom, where a steaming bath that smells like vanilla is waiting. Comfortable clothes sit on the vanity. “Stay as long as you want.” He kisses him on the cheek and disappears. Dean undresses and climbs in, feeling pampered and cared for as he sinks into the silky water.

By the time he comes out, dinner is ready, and they enjoy one of Dean’s favorites and chat about their days. Cas’ book is right on track, and his doctor’s appointment went well. The boys return home from Hannah and Mike’s after dinner. The rest of the evening goes as usual, and Dean has the boys in bed by 8:00. Dean assumes they’ll have a quiet evening, maybe snuggling and watching TV. But Cas has other plans.

“Can I tie this on you?” Cas asks when Dean hits the bottom of the stairs. He holds one of his ties in his hand. Dean furrows his brows but agrees and bends down to let Cas loop it around his neck, but Cas winds it around his eyes instead. Dean’s pulse quickens. Cas leads him by the hand to what feels like their living room and presses him gently until he sits on the floor.

“This is a sensory date,” Cas explains. “You’ve fought so hard not to feel. I want you to feel everything, to take it all in.” Dean hears a mellow song start up on the little speaker they keep on the end table. He hears a bit of shuffling, but relaxes as the music fills his ears. “You are so committed to us,” Cas says softly. “You take such good care of us. You stayed with us. With me. You are loyal, supportive, romantic.  You make me laugh and comfort me when I cry, which has been entirely too much the last couple of years.” Dean laughs. “You are an incredible man.” Dean squirms under the praise, blushing and fiddling with his fingers. “And you are so handsome. Your gorgeous eyes that shine when you’re happy. Your mouth when you laugh. Your hands when you tell a story. Your chest when you hold the boys. Your legs when you run. So beautiful.” Dean smiles and rubs his arm shyly, which makes Cas feel devilish. He leans close to his ear. “And of course, not only are you handsome, but you’re incredibly… fucking… sexy.” Dean’s breath stutters as Cas continues, “Your eyes when I catch you watching me. Your mouth when you kiss me like I’ve never been kissed before. Your hands when you hold mine. Your chest when you’re gasping for breath after we kiss. Your legs that I imagine wrapped around me. So sexy.”

Dean emits a low, involuntary whine as Cas hovers near him. He inhales the spice of his cologne and another smell, something sweet. Cas backs away. “Breathe this in,” he says, and upon closer inspection Dean smells the familiar sugary fluff of whipped cream and the tang of lemon. Cas holds something to his lips. “Taste,” he says, and the tart-sweet flavor of lemon meringue pie bursts on his tongue. Cas gives him several bites before he pauses. The fork tinkles against the plate as it's pushed aside. “Taste.” Dean opens his mouth again and a rich, chocolate berry flavor fills the space. After a few bites, Cas unties his blindfold.

Dean opens his eyes and notices the room is bathed in candlelight (with real candles). Fresh flowers and a tray of strawberries and chocolate sit next to him. Cas sits in front of him, looking more delicious than any food he’s ever tasted. His hair is messy, his eyes are shining, and the blue shirt is partially unbuttoned. Dean’s eyes rake over him and he licks his lips. Cas smiles. “What would you like to see, Dean?”

“Um… I… you,” Dean stammers breathlessly. “I want to see you.”

Cas stands and removes the blazer. He raises his eyebrows. “More,” Dean rasps. Cas keeps his eyes locked with Dean’s as he unbuttons his shirt torturously, one tiny, cockblocking button at a time. He slowly shrugs the shirt off each shoulder and lets it drop to the floor. “More,” he whispers, and Cas smirks as he removes his socks and sits. “Asshole,” Dean growls and Cas laughs. He runs one hand through his hair and the other across his chest; Dean feels like he’s going to explode with the heat building in his core.

“We’ve covered four of the senses. Do you know which one is left?”

Dean nods. Of course he knows. Cas crawls forward and sits in front of him. He takes Dean’s hand and places it on his face. “Touch wherever you want,” he says.

 _Holy shit_ , Dean thinks. He moves both his hands into Cas’ hair, combing through several times and tugging once or twice before letting it go. It’s perfectly messy, just the way he likes it. He moves his hands down to caress his brows, eyes, cheeks, chin, and neck. At his collarbone, he inhales a shaky breath before proceeding down both arms and hands with a feather-light touch. He swallows and rests both hands on his shoulders again. “Turn around.” Cas does, and Dean slides his hands down the smooth planes of Cas’ back. The muscles feel even better than he imagined. He nudges him until he’s facing him again, then Dean sucks in a breath and plants both hands on Cas’ pectorals. Cas watches him as Dean lets himself adjust to this new feeling, this muscle and skin. Finally, he moves his hands down, and his palms catch on Cas’ hardened nipples, which makes them both gasp. Dean looks up quickly and sees Cas trying to keep still and unaffected, though his flushed skin and dilated pupils betray him. Dean makes small circles over the entirety of his chest and stomach, delighting in the goosebumps he’s causing. As Cas’ gaze slips momentarily from Dean’s face to his hands, Dean pinches both of his nipples between his fingers and hears the breath punch out of him. It’s a beautiful sound, and he finds he wants to do it again and again. So he does, and he watches Cas fist his hands by his sides. Dean frowns. He’s holding back. That won’t do. He leans in and presses his mouth gently to his.

“Your turn,” Dean murmurs against Cas’ lips. Cas looks surprised as Dean brings the tie into view and binds it around his head. He tries to argue that this date is for Dean, but Dean kisses him quiet. He picks a different song, a love song, from Cas’ phone. “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met,” he starts, voice just above a whisper. “You are patient and kind. You’re so smart, and you always try to do what’s right. You are the best father I’ve ever seen. You have given me everything. You are the best husband ever.” Cas smiles. “And you are gorgeous. That messy hair that I just wanna mess up even more, those eyes that make me wanna drown in them, the fuckin’ muscles in your back that take on the weight of the world like it’s nothing… those hands, God. Your entire body is a masterpiece, I swear. I love watching you.” He dips a strawberry in chocolate and holds it to Cas’ lips. Cas takes a deep whiff. “Taste,” he commands, and Cas opens his mouth. Dean purposely lets his fingers get in the way, and Cas moans in surprise before he sucks the strawberry and the chocolate from Dean’s fingers. A few berries later, Dean unties the blindfold and stares at Cas, whose eyes look deep and endless in the candlelight. Dean holds their gaze as he undresses down to his lounge pants and says, “Touch me. Please.”

“Where?” Cas asks, looking uncertain.

“Everywhere.”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I don’t want you to be afraid of me,” Dean says. He tugs Cas against him. “I’m a little nervous, yeah, but I want this. Don’t hold back on me, okay? I’ll tell you if I can’t do, you know, whatever. But I want to try.”

“Are you sure?”

Dean licks his lips and nods. “I kinda want you, Milton.”

Cas smiles. “I kinda want you, Winchester,” he says. He glides his hands across Dean’s back and arms. “I kinda want you very, very badly,” he purrs and rubs his hands along Dean’s torso. Dean sighs and chews on his lip. “God, Dean,” he whispers before latching onto his mouth.

Dean pulls Cas down onto the floor and clings to him as they kiss until they have to separate for air. “Come on, Cas. Show me,” he growls and wraps Cas in his arms, dragging his fingernails across his back. Cas bites the junction between Dean’s neck and shoulder and sucks hard, making Dean grip his hair and grind into Cas’ pelvis. They release twin moans of pleasure. Cas trails kisses along his neck and face until he’s looking into his eyes.

“You’ll tell me if you want to stop?” Cas asks, carding his fingers gently through Dean’s hair.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Cas gazes at his husband, no longer hiding his desire from him, and dives in. Dean arches into him, matching him kiss for kiss, stroke for stroke. Soon they find themselves sliding across each other’s sweating bodies, marking with mouths and fingertips as the heat builds between them. Dean feels Cas’ hard length near his hip; overcome with want, he pulls Cas until their clothed cocks are aligned.

“Cas, oh God,” Dean cries, gripping onto his waistband and rutting into his husband’s groin.

“Dean…” he pants, “Dean, are you…”

“ _Yes,_ Cas, _God,_ ” Dean answers Cas’ unfinished question. He doesn’t care what the question is. The answer is yes.

Cas props himself up on his elbows and kisses Dean hard as his pistons his hips. After just a few thrusts, Dean feels the familiar pull toward orgasm, and he grips Cas’ shoulders until his fingertips turn white as it tears through his body like lightning striking a tree. “Oh fuuuuck,” Dean wails, clinging onto Cas. He’s never come in his pants, never come with a guy, never felt this amazing with anyone.

The wail of a baby follows.

“Shit,” Dean groans. Cas chuckles.

“I’ll check on him. You might want to change before things get too sticky.”

“Not gonna argue there,” Dean laughs. “But wait, Cas, you’re, um…”

“Going to have a painful case of blue balls? Yes,” he smirks.

“I can…”

“It’s okay, Dean. Jamie’s not going to feel like waiting,” he smiles as he leaves.

“Damn it,” Dean mutters. He hates that things ended that way. He sighs and picks up the living room, then jumps into the shower to rinse off and dresses for bed. He knows that if he goes in to look on them, Jamie will think it’s playtime, so he sits in his bedroom and waits. He hears Cas singing softly and smiles. It’s a happy song.

Waiting gives him time to think, and he knows Cas will ask, so he rests against his headboard and reviews everything that just happened. After several dates and endless teasing, he had the hottest makeout session of his life, which led to a mind-blowing orgasm in his pants (which at 36 he didn’t even think could happen anymore). All with a guy. A guy he’s in an actual _relationship_ with. Does he feel different? Yes. But not in the way he expected. He thought being with a man might make him feel dirty or wrong somehow, despite his belief that there’s nothing wrong with two people of the same gender being together. He’s reminded of something Cas told him once, when he was nervous about kissing him before their wedding. _I’m human, you’re human. It’s a human kiss_. And isn’t this all this is, really? Just two humans who are attracted to each other showing affection for each other? But he can’t deny that it feels different. And it’s not because they’re guys, or even that they’re dating. It’s… _oh God._

“I gave him some Tylenol,” Cas says, interrupting Dean’s revelation. “He seemed a bit warm and he wasn’t settling down. Not sure if he’s teething again or if he’s getting a cold, but he seems settled now.” He notices the mix of emotions on Dean’s face. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean answers. He holds out a hand and pulls Cas onto his bed. Cas looks wary, so Dean reassures him with a gentle kiss that relaxes them both. Dean asks, “So, you need a hand...?”

“Fighting to squirt medicine into a baby’s mouth is a boner-killer.” Cas flashes him a lopsided smile. “Sorry,” he says to Dean’s pout.

“S’okay, I just feel bad.”

“Don’t feel bad. There’s always another time. Unless…?”

“No, no, I’m good.”

“Really?”

Dean breathes deeply. “Really. That was awesome.”

“Yeah? Did you get nervous?” Cas asks as he traces Dean’s bottom lip.

“Not really. So turned on I didn’t have time to get nervous.”

Cas laughs, that hearty laugh that most people never hear, and Dean leans into him for a kiss. “Stay?” Dean asks timidly. They’ve never shared Dean’s bed.

“Only if you’re asking because you want me to.”

“I want you to.”

“Okay.” Cas smiles brightly, with such affection that Dean’s heart stutters. “I’ll be right back.” He returns just a couple of minutes later, pajama pants on and teeth brushed, and crawls beside Dean. He lays down and curls into Dean’s body, a hand on his heart. Dean feels… kinda wonderful. He turns the light off and enjoys the closeness.

“You’re the first person I’ve spent the night with. I mean, you know.”

“I know. I wish you’d had that with some other people. Sometimes I think about how lonely you must’ve been. But at the same time I’m very happy to be the person you chose.”

“Cas,” Dean sighs into his hair, marveling at just how much Cas cares about him. “I can’t change the past, but if it all led me to right now, then I regret nothing.” He feels Cas smile against his skin, and they lay quietly until they fall asleep.

Dean wakes early the next morning, the light not quite over the horizon. He watches Cas in the glow of the digital clock. Their limbs are tangled together, and he somehow ended up with his hands in Cas’ hair. Not that he minds. He traces his body with his eyes, stopping at the outline of his very alert cock. It makes him nervous. Once he unclothes his cock, he can’t deny he’s with a man. He thinks he’s okay with it. But is he okay with the other feelings he’s having? _Don’t run away. Run to him._ He remembers a song his mom used to sing when she was in her Whitney Houston phase. It seems appropriate. He sings softly as he threads his fingers through Cas’ hair:

_I wanna run to you_

_I wanna run to you_

“I could get used to waking up like this,” Cas murmurs. He blinks his eyes open slowly. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean smiles, because he decides he is. He’s scared, but it’s the good kind of scared. The kind of scared that leads to something wonderfully life-changing. “Can I touch you?” Cas nods, and Dean trails his mouth and fingers along the firm contours of his body, making Cas melt in the heat of their desire. He reaches down and takes ahold of Cas’ sleep pants. “Can I?”

“You don’t have to,” Cas assures him.

“I want to.”

“There’s a reason I didn’t take my pants off last night, Dean. I didn’t want to overwhelm you.”

Dean knows what he means, but he teases, “Wow. You that big, Cas?”

Cas rolls his eyes. “Yes. It can be frightening. I make everyone sign a waiver.”

Dean leans down and kisses him. “Fuckin’ snarky bastard. Shut up and let me see you.”

“You’ve been warned,” Cas smirks, removing his pants. Dean expected underwear, but there is none, so he’s faced immediately with Cas’ swelled, reddened cock. Dean gulps. He wasn’t sure how he’d feel, but now that it’s right in front of him…

“We don’t have to do this if you’re nervous, Dean. I…”

Dean rolls his eyes and grasps Cas’ face loosely. “Listen, you overcautious pain in the ass. Yes, I’m nervous. But I’m running to you, not away. We can stop if I ask, right?”

“Of course. Always.”

“That’s all I need. Now shut up,” Dean teases before capturing his mouth once again.

They make out in a frenzy, finding the fun energy of their friendship again but expressing it in a new way. When Dean reaches between them and grasps Cas’ cock, they both moan and swear and hold each other tighter. Dean grabs a bottle of lotion off his nightstand, and Cas lets him experiment before taking them both in hand. Dean adds his hand atop Cas’ until they’re coming together, Dean gripping Cas’ hair for dear life while Cas holds Dean’s shoulder so tightly he’ll leave a mark.

“Oh God,” Dean wheezes afterward.

“My sentiments exactly,” Cas rasps. “I hope you enjoyed it, because it’ll be really hard to keep my hands off you after that. I’m going to want you all the time.”

“You’d better,” he growls before kissing him. “I’m so fucking gay, Cas, shit.” Cas buries his face in Dean’s shoulder and giggles, his body shaking. Dean absolutely loves it. He rolls into Cas’ side and sprinkles kisses on him until one of the kids starts to fuss. “I’ll get him,” Dean says.

“Thank you, hon,” Cas responds, and Dean can’t help but plant another kiss on his lips. He loves the term of endearment. He mops himself off with a dirty t-shirt and pulls on his sleep pants and a clean shirt before walking out.

Cas watches him go and soon hears the faucet, then his voice trying to calm a fussy Jamie. He reflects on everything they’ve shared so far, and he has to admit, his imagination had not done it justice. Maybe it’s because he almost lost him, or maybe it’s because he’s finally able to act on the feelings he’s had, but the real thing is so much better than he’d ever thought it could be — sweeter, happier, more fun, more intense. Of all the relationships he’s had, he’s never had one like this. Perhaps it’s because of everything they’ve been through, or because they’re married, or because they were friends first, or because of destiny or because of free will. Who the hell knows? He doesn’t care, because he’s in love, and he’s starting to think that maybe his love has the potential to be reciprocated. Dean seems comfortable and happy, and Cas is fairly certain he’s not projecting any of his own feelings this time. Perhaps they’ll both have the life they always wanted but never thought would actually happen.  

“Cas, babe? I think something’s wrong,” Dean says as he brings Jamie in. The baby’s eyes are red and glassy and he’s batting at his head. “Looks like conjunctivitis, maybe?”

“I think you’re right,” Cas says, shifting into dad mode. “We should probably take him to Urgent Care. Is Robbie awake?”

“He was stirring but I think he went back to sleep.”

“We should probably check him. Conjunctivitis is very contagious.”

“The viral kind, yeah,” Dean agrees. “You go check on him and I’ll see if I can give Mr. James here something to eat before we go.”

Cas wakes Robbie and changes him. Robbie seems fine, so the men decide to keep them separated as much as possible. When Jamie refuses food and won’t leave Dean’s arms, Dean says, “I can take Jamie in, Cas. I’ve already had more contact with him anyway, and there’s no sense in making both boys wait for God knows how long.” It breaks Cas’ heart a little not to be with their son when he’s hurting, but he knows Dean is right, and he acquiesces.  

“Call me as soon as you know something,” Cas insists as Dean slings the diaper bag over his shoulder. Dean promises that he will. He stops for a moment at the door, gazing at Cas intensely before he leans in and kisses his worried face.

“Thank you, babe,” Dean says.  

“For what?” Cas asks, brows pinched in confusion.

“For…” — _trusting me, having faith in me, never giving up on me, staying with me_ — “everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry, Jamie’s going to be fine. :)
> 
> The song Dean sings is “Run to You” by Whitney Houston, from the movie The Bodyguard.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You could stuff a hundred pillows with the fluff in this chapter. <3

Conjunctivitis and a double ear infection slows, but doesn’t stop the passion between the fathers, even after Robbie comes down with the same thing a day later. Cas doesn’t do a lot of work on his sabbatical projects that week, but he does a lot of research into what makes his husband quake and crack. He loves sappy notes. He loves slow dancing around the kitchen. He loves kisses that end gradually, with smaller kisses or a drag of lips. But he also loves being held against the wall. He loves his ass slapped when he’s at the sink. He loves the feel of real lube, and thank God he ditched the lotion that was absorbed much too quickly. And Dean does some research of his own, Cas notices. There’s white wine with fettuccine alfredo when Cas returns from the gym. A bath with candles and his iPad tucked in its waterproof case, already opened to the latest book he’s reading. Soft kisses sprinkled on his neck. Kisses that turn into love bites. His bowlegs wrapped around his waist. Pinched nipples. Dean begging.  

“So, your muscles hurt yet? You know, from all the smiling?” Charlie teases her friend. Her on-point teasing only makes him blush.

“Cut it out,” he laughs. She unpacks everyone’s favorites from the Japanese place nearby.

“It’s because he’s finally getting laid,” Balthazar adds as he pours drinks.

“Ooh. So, I’m gonna guess Dean’s a top. All those times with women.”

“Oh no, that man is definitely a bottom.”

“No way. I bet you coffee for a week he’s a top. I don’t think he’d give up control.”

“And you think Castiel would? Pfft. Coffee for a month he’s a bottom, Bradbury.”

“Stop, both of you,” Cas chides, rolling his eyes.

“Well, who wins coffee?”

“Neither of you, Charlie. We haven’t done that yet.”

Balthazar looks at him in shock. “Really? I thought all you gay men did that the first date. You know, because you move in together by the third.” He shoots a teasing wink Cas’ way.

“Ha ha, you’re so funny,” Cas mocks him. “We’ll get there. If he wants to.”

“Well, it looks like things are good so far.”

“Yes. So far, so good,” Cas smiles.

“Aww, there’s that smile again, so cute,” Charlie says, pinching his cheeks. “Is he doing okay? No big gay freak-out?”

“Not that I can tell. He’s doing better than I expected. Better than I did when I came out.”

“Well, you were an awkward teenager with raging hormones rather than a mature, experienced adult. Plus you didn’t have the benefit of being in love like he does,” Balthazar notes.

“I’m not sure if he’s in love just yet. He’s just getting used to being with a man and being in a relationship.” He pauses and smiles. “But I sure as hell am.”

“You’re sure as heck what?” Dean asks, damp from his late afternoon run and breezing through the screen door with a boy in each arm. Charlie squeals and reaches for Robbie, while Uncle Balth flies Jamie around the dining room, making him giggle before he can get too anxious about being separated from his parents.  

“Sure as _heck_ going to suck you off, then slam you into the bed until you can’t walk,” Balthazar answers for Cas.

“Balthazar, not in front of our kids, for crying out loud!” Cas scolds.

“They don’t understand!” Balthazar argues.

Dean laughs and leans into Cas for a hot, sweaty kiss. “Guess you guys better leave, then,” Dean says to Balth, never taking his eyes off Cas. He winks and Cas shakes his head in amusement as their friends laugh. The boys laugh, too, having no idea what they’re laughing at. “Can’t wait for later,” he whispers in Cas’ ear before heading back outside to put away the double stroller.

As Balth and Charlie are leaving after a few hours of great food and conversation, she offers, “You know, I could spend the night here with the boys and you guys could get a hotel or stay at my place. Have some time alone.”

“Thanks, but Cas isn’t ready to leave the boys overnight yet,” Dean says. He’s not upset, which is a great relief for Cas.

“Well, when you are, Auntie Charlie is available.” Cas thanks her, and they all kiss and hug goodbye.

“Oh, Dean, I meant to ask you,” Balth says, and Cas sees the twinkle in his eyes too late. “Top or bottom?” Charlie laughs and Cas rubs his forehead.

“I can’t do both?” Dean asks with a wiggle of his brows. Hollering and high-fives follow, and Cas falls for his husband a little more.

“So, it’s later,” Dean says once their friends have left. The kids have been in bed for a couple of hours, so they find themselves alone and very aroused. “I don’t think I’m ready for the, uh, _slamming_ yet, but I am curious to know how your mouth would feel. And maybe how you’d taste, too.”

Cas moans and takes his hand. “I can’t wait,” he says. He leads him up to his bedroom, where they’ve spent all of their nights since the night they slept in Dean’s bed (which is quickly becoming known as the guest bed in each of their minds). Cas is grateful they were tested when they started the adoption process. He’s waited long enough for this man, and to wait any longer for results would be torture. He teases and tastes Dean’s face, neck, back, and chest, and when Dean is writhing and begging for more he pulls Dean’s pants and underwear down and swallows him in one fluid motion.

“Fuck!” Dean shouts. Cas covers his mouth with his hand and looks up.

“Shh. You don’t want to be interrupted from the best blowjob of your life, do you?”

“Pretty confident,” Dean mumbles from behind Cas’ hand.

“Very. Now shh,” Cas says before grabbing his hips and swallowing him down again. Dean bucks and writhes and keeps his damn mouth shut because there’s no way he’s going to miss out on _this._

“Cas, Cas, stop,” he says breathlessly after a couple of minutes of absolute bliss. “Your turn.”

Cas pouts. “But I was having fun.”

“Me too. Too much,” Dean grins. He flips them over and looks down at Cas’ cock uncertainly. “Okay, let me know if I’m not doing it right.” He leans down and thinks _yup, I’m really super gay now_ before timidly wrapping his mouth around his husband’s dick. Cas’ sigh turns into a laugh.

“You’re thinking about how gay you are, aren’t you?”

“Shut up,” he laughs in return, penis still lodged in his mouth, which makes Cas laugh even more. He’s glad Cas has taken off the kid gloves. It helps that they can talk about it without it getting serious and brooding, and it takes the edge off his nerves.

“Well, you’re fantastic at it,” Cas assures him, making Dean laugh and Cas moan with the vibration on his cock. Dean hums again as he takes Cas deeper, watching his reaction and feeling a bit proud of himself. He keeps doing it because Cas really likes it (and because Dean really likes it, too). Cas’ hands fly to Dean’s hair and cling to the strands as they fall into a rhythm, and after a few minutes he tugs Dean off and releases all over himself. Dean watches in awe and lust, the feeling of _I did that_ strong and proud in his chest, before being manhandled onto his back.  

“Back to you,” Cas winks before sheathing him in his hot, wet mouth again. He digs his fingers into Cas’ hair and tugs, Cas responding enthusiastically with a moan, and man, that’s _good_. He loves Cas’ hair, he loves the humming around his dick, he loves his skill and the way Cas seems to be enjoying himself. He loves not having a barrier between them, physically or emotionally. Feeling his impending orgasm, he tries to pull Cas off, but Cas won’t move.

“Cas, babe,” Dean says desperately. Cas looks up as he swirls his tongue wickedly around the dick still in his mouth. “Cas, I’m gonna… you gotta…” He blinks wide blue eyes at him and Dean whines. Cas smiles, winks, and pulls Dean hard by the hips into his mouth. Dean cries out involuntarily, and Cas slides an arm around his back and a finger to Dean’s lips as he brings him to orgasm, sucking him dry as Dean pounds the mattress helplessly with his fists.

“Best blowjob of my life,” Dean pants, his heart beating wildly.

“Told you,” Cas smiles.

“You’re cute when you’re smug,” Dean teases. Cas laughs, then rolls off the bed to clean himself off. When he returns, Dean curls into his side.

“Doing okay?” Cas asks.

“Awesome,” Dean assures him.

“Happy?” he asks cautiously.  

Dean turns to his husband and lays a hand on his jaw. “So fucking happy, Cas. You?”

Cas grins. “So flapjacking happy.”  

Dean laughs loudly and kisses him deeply until they feel themselves falling into an exhausted stupor. After Dean turns off the light, Cas sighs contentedly and holds him a little tighter. Dean sinks into his touch and lets himself stay, finally believing he will neither leave nor be left.

The rest of May is consumed with dating and amazing sex (but not _that_ ), and ends with Jamie and Robbie’s newest accomplishments: their first word and first steps. They happen during Memorial Day weekend, when everyone gets together for a huge barbecue, made even bigger with not only their families, but some of Dean’s colleagues and Claire, visiting before she takes off to study dance in Spain for a year.

“Claire!” Dean greets her with a giant smile and a hug to match. Cas takes his turn right after, playfully elbowing his husband out of the way.  

“So good to see you two dorks,” she says. She pulls a woman forward. “This is Kaia. Kaia, Dean and Cas.” They greet the woman Claire has told them so much about enthusiastically and invite them to the backyard, where she sees Jamie and Robbie in person for the first time in months. “Oh my gosh, they are so big,” she says, a hand to her mouth. They look up and cruise along family members and chairs toward their dads, but don’t get too close to Claire and Kaia.  

“Just a phase. They’ll warm up, believe me,” Cas assures Claire, who seems a little upset that the boys don’t seem enthusiastic to see her. He avoids using the phrase “stranger anxiety.” “Once you’re hanging out with everyone, they’ll be all over you.”

“It’s normal,” Dean adds. “It even takes them a few minutes to go to some of their aunts and uncles these days, and they see them all the time.” Claire nods.  

“Claire, honey!” Laurel calls as she glides over, still spry despite her sixty-five years. She takes the young woman in a hug. “We missed you! Come see everyone!” Claire smiles widely as Laurel drapes her arms over her and Kaia, who she’s never met. Claire peeks back at Dean and Cas just in time to see Dean plant a kiss on Cas’ cheek.

The atmosphere is busy and festive, just the way Dean likes it. He stands by the grill and surveys the scene. Their nieces and Cesar and Jesse’s son and daughter are screeching as Uncle Sam sprays them with a hose and Auntie Anna chases them. Alfie is thrilled to be hanging out with Jody’s son, who’s around his age. Garth is speaking to Eileen animatedly (he had no idea Garth even knew ASL), his soon-to-be wife Bess by his side. Donna and Crowley (who’s wearing a t-shirt and shorts, and isn’t _that_ weird?) talk politics with Kali, Bobby, and Kaia, a political science major. Hannah sits on Mike’s lap and chats with Jody, Gabe, Cesar, and Jesse. Gabe probably tells a joke because they start laughing uproariously. Mary, Laurel, and Ellen are mothering Claire to death, the boys sitting at their feet and showing Claire their toys. Jo, Charlie, Balth, and Tabby are bringing snacks and drinks around. Dean feels Cas wrap an arm around his waist.  

“Having fun?” Cas asks.

“Yeah,” Dean drawls lazily.  

“Me too.” Cas sighs and leans against his shoulder. Dean wraps an arm around him and leans against his head. They close their eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun and each other and listening to the sounds of the people they love. Dean turns and tilts his face down to Cas, who easily surrenders to Dean’s unspoken request and kisses him, slow and sweet. A moment later, they’re soaked.

“Son of a — Sam!” Dean yells.

“Just hosing you down before it gets R-rated!” he shouts. Everyone laughs as Dean chases his brother around the yard, both of them sliding and tripping on the grass. Cas laughs as he watches them run around, thinking about how their boys will act like that someday. He approaches the boys, their two sippy cups of water held by the handles in one hand, and smiles open-mouthed at them before shaking his head rapidly, sprinkling them with the excess water in his hair. The boys look up at him and laugh just as Dean crashes into him from behind and kisses him on the cheek.

“Your daddies are silly!” Ellen says, speaking exaggeratedly but brightly to the boys.

“Da!” Jamie shouts, then giggles. “Daaa!”

Surprised gasps overtake those within earshot. Cas quickly bends down to Jamie and points to himself. “Da?”

“Da!” he repeats.  

“Da! Good job, sweetheart!” Cas exclaims happily and hugs his son. Dean, watching from above, kneels down and cheers for him. “Who’s that?” Cas asks, pointing to Dean. “Is that Daddy? Da? Dee?”

“Dada!” Jamie screeches happily, looking at Dean. “Dada!”

“Shit, I’m gonna cry,” Dean mutters, forgetting to be cautious with his language as his eyes get misty.

“Dada!” Jamie says again, holding his arms out.

“Yes, Dada, baby,” Dean says, picking the boy up and hugging him tightly. He buries his face in Jamie’s neck until his eyes dry.

Robbie, who’s watching the activity, claps and babbles as he stands all on his own, Mary having let go of his hand. He seems to forget that no one is supporting him. He wobbles a bit and looks at Cas, who still has his sippy cup. Robbie’s been on the cusp of walking for days now. Sensing an opportunity, he holds the cup out toward him and shakes it.  

“Come see Dad, Robbie,” he says. “Come get the cup.” Robbie looks back and forth between the cup and his father. He looks uncertain. Then something else catches his eye and he gets excited, cooing and bouncing. Cas takes the object of Robbie’s attention out of his pocket. “Come see,” he urges as he waves his phone. Robbie loves the photos. “Look! It’s Dad and Dee and Jamie and Robbie! Look! Come see!”

Robbie coos again and places a foot forward, forgetting that he’s never taken a step without assistance before. Dean looks down and, like everyone else, holds his breath.  

“Come on! Come see!” Cas urges him in an excited, smiling voice as he wiggles the phone. “Look!” He waves the phone again, holding his other hand out just beyond Robbie’s reach. Robbie takes another cautious, unsteady step, then another as Cas encourages him. Robbie stops, as if realizing what he’s doing, and stares. Cas gets an idea. “Come and get me,” he says, voice pitched low. It’s a game they play, where Robbie crawls (and, more recently, cruises) after Cas until he “catches” him. He loves Cas’ deep, rumbly voice. Robbie giggles and steps forward two more times before falling into Cas’ arms, to the cheers of both of his dads and their family and friends.  

“Wow, what a good job, honey!” Cas says as he kisses and tickles the boy. “You did it!” He gives him his sippy cup and shows him the phone as Dean scooches down next to them and ruffles the boy’s hair.

“Good work, buddy! You walked! We’re in trouble now!” he says. Cas gives Jamie his sippy cup, too, then pulls Dean and Jamie close for a cuddle huddle, as they’ve come to call their family hugs. Dean kisses each of them in turn, saving his longest kiss for Cas as the boys clamor for release from their fathers’ arms.

Bobby decides to take on the grilling responsibilities so that Dean and Cas can mingle with their guests. They try to argue that he’s their guest, too, but he simply says “Like hell I am” and that’s the end of it. Jo and Mike help, chopping veggies for toppings and bringing out meat platters and rolls. The two men hang out with their guests, play with all the kids, and eat until they’re stuffed. They hear variations of “You two are so cute!” and “Get a room!” most of the day.

As the guests start leaving late in the day, sated and sunburned, they congratulate the dads and their boys (who don’t understand) on a great party. Claire waits until most of the guests are gone, then spends a little quiet time with the boys, who feel comfortable with her now. When she’s ready to leave, she cuddles them tightly and gives them to their Nana and Mimi, who take them and Kaia into the living room, before turning her attention to their fathers. They sit in Cas’ office to have some privacy.

“How are you doing, Claire?” Cas asks.

“Pretty good,” she says with a small smile. She knows he isn’t talking about her classes or her love life or any number of topics, so she doesn’t bullshit him. “It’s weird, seeing them. There are days, when I’m down, that I wonder what would’ve been, you know? But I know I made the right choice, for them and me. They’re so happy. They love you so much, and they love their family, and there are all these people who love them and it’s awesome. So I mean, I might get a little sad sometimes, but it’s not because I regret anything. You two are the best parents.”

Dean rubs his eyes. “Is this Make Dean Winchester Cry Day? Jesus.”

“Wuss,” Claire teases. “And you two, all kissy....” Dean blushes and Cas chuckles. “I knew you two would make it,” she smirks. “And I’m glad. You guys are awesome together.” She gathers them both in a hug and tells them she’ll keep in touch, and they all promise to continue sending each other pictures and emails.

“Uh, hey, what’s with you not being on Facebook, by the way? I keep trying to find you,” she says to Dean.

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “I didn’t have anyone I wanted to keep in touch with, I guess.”

“Well, start one. I know there’s no hope of getting you on Twitter or anything, so this is my best shot.” Cas snickers and Dean gives him the evil eye before promising that he will.

That night, with the kids in bed and the house picked up, Cas shows him how to start his Facebook account. He makes Cas his first friend and sees how he has his page set up, smiling softly at his relationship status (married, obviously) and his profile picture (Dean, Cas, and the kids at Christmas) and cover photo (all of the aunts and uncles with the nieces and nephews making silly faces). Cas helps him send friend requests to his friends and family (even his _mother_ has an account), then shows him how to post pictures, tag people, and so on. Cas leaves him to play around with it and does a little web surfing for things they want for the boys’ first birthday party. Cuddling in bed later, both too tired for anything more, Dean says, “Go check your Facebook account.” Cas does and smiles.  

“You are too cute,” he says when he sees he’s tagged in Dean’s first post:

**Memorial Day Weekend BBQ with the best family and friends a guy can have - with Cas Milton and 15 others.**

He posted pictures of everyone at the party and the videos Laurel took of Jamie’s first word and Robbie’s first steps (he’s really grateful she caught almost everything). He glances up at Dean’s profile cover photo (the boys outside in the yard last weekend) and smiles. Then he looks at his profile picture and his heart flutters.

“Talk about too cute,” Dean murmurs shyly into Cas’ cheek. The picture is of the two of them, a selfie taken at home a few days ago. Dean leaned in and kissed him loudly, surprising him and making his nose scrunch in laughter.

“I agree. Look at that hot guy right there,” he says, pointing to Dean.

“The other guy is way hotter,” Dean says.

“Mmm. I’d do either one of them. Done that one a lot, actually,” Cas jokes, pointing to himself, and Dean snorts loudly.

“You still surprise me with the stuff that comes out of your mouth,” Dean snickers.

“Bet you’ll be surprised about the stuff that goes into my mouth,” Cas retorts.

“I love surprises,” Dean purrs before deciding that maybe he’s not too tired after all. Cas laughs and decides he’s not too tired, either.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes Daddy dearest...

In the morning, Cas wakes up alone. He hears the boys downstairs with Dean. It sounds like Jamie hasn’t forgotten his new word, screeching “Da! Dada! Da-da-da-da-da!” Robbie is chirping happily. He imagines they’re sitting in their highchairs, as Dean is talking to them about finishing breakfast and there’s a lot of banging around on what sounds like their trays. Cas rests on his pillow and listens for a few minutes. This is what he always wanted, he thinks. Children, someone to love, someone who loves him… maybe he’ll actually get it. The thought makes him smile stupidly even as his eyes well up, and he’s rather glad no one’s around to see it. He blinks away the wetness and grabs his phone, intending to text his brother about their plans for later. It opens to Facebook, the app he’d been in before bed, and he notices a new posting on his wall:

**Best husband ever XO**

He writes a post on Dean’s wall in response, then saunters into the bathroom to shower, the same stupid smile plastered on his face.

Dean, cleaning up messy hands and faces, hears the ping of his phone.  After the boys are cleaned and freed from their confines, he grabs it and clicks on his notification, a post from Cas:

**Happiness is being married to your best friend. XOXO**

There’s already a few comments from family members and friends about how disgustingly cute they are, and Dean decides he kinda loves Facebook.

The rest of the weekend and the week that follows is a happy blur. Jamie and Robbie practice their new skills and carefully watch each other in interest. Dean and Cas manage a dinner and a movie date night, though neither remember what the movie was about since they paid very little attention to it in the nearly empty theater. Cas chaperones a class trip to the zoo and they make plans to bring the boys soon and maybe make it a larger family trip. Dean brings Cas flowers for no special reason. Cas ravishes him in the shower for no special reason. Dean’s not sure he can be any happier.

He certainly isn’t when he gets a message from John Winchester on Sunday night.

“Ugh,” Dean says, pushing his phone away in disgust.

“What?” Cas asks, peeking at Dean over his book and his glasses. They amplify the “hot professor” look he always has.

“My father messaged me on Messenger.”

Cas frowns. “What does he want?”

“To have lunch. He’ll be in town next weekend with his third? Fourth wife? I don’t know.”

“Huh. You going?”

“I don’t know. If Sam goes, maybe.”

“Mmm. What are you going to tell him?”

“About what? Us, you mean?”

“Among other things, yes.”

“Pretty much says it all on my profile. He found me on Messenger, he can find me on Facebook.”

“Yes, I know, but… are you planning to tell him the truth?”

“What truth?”

“Everything up to this point.”

“Pfft, no,” Dean says dismissively. “He doesn’t need the history. He only needs to know that we’re married with children and we’re happy.” He pauses, a shiver of doubt coursing through him. “We are, right?”

“Happy?”

“Yeah.”

Cas regards him tenderly. “I can’t answer for you, but I’ve never been happier in my life than I am right now. We talked about this before, remember?”

Dean crawls across the couch and onto his husband’s lap. “Even if we’re not… you know?”

Cas rolls his eyes affectionately. “Yes, Dean. I told you we don’t have to do that.”

“I know. Soon, though, maybe.”

“Okay. If you want. Don’t do it just for me, though, hmm?”

Dean seals their mouths together in thanks.

The week goes by slowly, and Dean knows it’s because he’s dreading Saturday. He and Cas don’t get up to much beyond holding each other. Dean is too keyed up.

On Saturday, Dean spends the morning doing groceries with Cas and the kids, then watches TV absently when they go down for their morning nap. Cas tries to give him some space but strokes his hair when Dean calls him over and lies in his lap.

Sam waves at Dean when he arrives at the diner. “Wow, just like old times,” Dean grumbles. Sam huffs a smile and shakes his head.

Their father arrives shortly after the waitress brings them water. They haven’t seen him in many years, and he hasn’t aged well. He’s pale, his hair is thinning, and the bags under his eyes are larger than those he took with him when he walked out on them.

They stare at each other awkwardly, no one knowing quite where to begin. Dean checks his phone a few times. No emergency calls, no texts, nothing to get him out of this situation. But the picture of Cas, Dean, and the boys shows up every time he hits the home button, and it helps.

“You look good,” he says to both of them.

“Can’t say the same for you, Dad,” Dean remarks.

“Yeah.” He clears his throat. The waitress chooses that time to come back, and the three of them place their orders. When she leaves, he says, “I don’t have long.”

“Yeah, well, you never did have long for us.”

“I mean I’m dying, Dean.”

The men stare at each other in silence until Sam says, “Dying?”

“Yeah. Wasn’t even supposed to leave home, but I had to come.”

“Why? So you could make amends or some bullshit? Clear your conscience?”

“Dean…”

“No. You’re the one who chose to leave.”

“How long?” Sam asks after a few minutes of fumbling with silverware and staring at the tabletop.

“Not long.”

Sam nods. “So, you just wanted to see us?”

“Yeah. Just wanted to see how my sons were doing.”

“Just fine without you,” Dean mutters.

“Dean,” Sam starts.

“I’m not playing nice just ‘cause he’s dying. Happens to everyone eventually. He doesn’t get a free all-is-forgiven pass.”

John interrupts before the brothers can argue. “I just wanted to see you. And your mother told me you’re both married and have kids. I’d like to meet them.”

The idea of his father getting anywhere near Cas or the kids scares the hell out of him. “You’re not getting near…”

“Sure, Dad.”

Dean turns to Sam incredulously. “You serious?”

“Yeah. It’ll be the only time, Dean.”

“So what?”

“So I want to.”

“Whatever.” He turns back to his father. “You’re not getting anywhere near my family.” Their lunches come, and Dean stops until the waitress leaves. “You had years, Dad. Years to get involved. Years to reconcile. You didn’t. That was on you. And now you waltz in, telling us your sob story so you can feel good about yourself right before you kick the bucket? Well, guess what? You fucked up so you can live with it until your dying breath.” He bites into his club sandwich and scowls.

The rest of the meal is tense, Dean saying nothing while Sam and his father manage to make small talk about John’s health and Sam’s family. When they part ways, Sam invites Dean and “the family” to lunch at their place tomorrow afternoon, studiously avoiding names and even pronouns. Dean is glad for it. He doesn’t want his family’s names uttered in the presence of this man. He grunts in response to Sam and peels away, the Impala John left behind the only connection he cares to have to his father.

Cas waits at home and worries. He knows Dean was very stressed about meeting with his father. Much of his surface emotion was anger, but Cas suspects there are more complicated emotions warring underneath his skin: hurt, longing, grief for the father he should’ve had but didn’t. He worries, too, about whether Dean will feel the same about him after seeing his father. He doesn’t know what kind of attitudes John holds about sexual orientation, and he knows much of Dean’s life has been spent comparing himself to the man. Maybe Dean will have second thoughts about the two of them.  

After two texts and a call to Dean go unanswered, he texts Sam and finds out their lunch ended over two hours ago and that it didn’t go all that well. He tells him that John is dying and that Dean went off on him. He invites them to lunch tomorrow. Cas fiddles with his phone, not sure what to do next, when it vibrates in his hand.

_Dean 3:45pm: Sorry, just seeing these now. Took a walk in the woods and forgot my phone in the car. Heading home. I’ll make dinner, okay?_

Cas’ shoulders slump in relief.  

_Cas 3:46pm: Sure. See you soon. XO_

Dean doesn’t respond, and Cas hopes it’s because he’s driving.

Cas greets him with the babies at the door, both of their sons smiling and excited and bouncing on their feet. Robbie takes a few wobbly steps toward his Dee and tumbles into his waiting arms. He puts his other hand out for Jamie, who falls to his knees and crawls over. “Cheater,” Dean says affectionately, kissing his cheek. He stands and sighs heavily as he gives a tiny smile to Cas. Cas returns it with concerned eyes, but Dean places the kids down and says he needs to get dinner started. He throws his buzzing phone on the counter and ignores it.

Dean’s attention is mostly on the kids for the rest of the evening. He plays hard with them after dinner, chasing them around outside until his jeans green up with stains that won’t come out. He gives them their baths and reads them their books. He tells them he loves them many, many times. He sits outside their door for a while. Cas waits him out. He cleans up dinner. He picks up toys. He switches the laundry to the dryer. He answers email. He reads the same paragraph five times. Finally, Dean sits on the couch next to him, lowering himself carefully rather than his usual flop. And Cas waits.

“He’s dying. That’s why he came. Said he wanted to see how we were doing.”

“Sam told me. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know how to feel about it.” Dean folds his hands and leans on his knees. “I mean it’s sad, I guess, but it’s not like he’s been there for me.”

Cas nods.

“And you know what? I don’t know why. Why bother? Why give a shit now?”

“Dying makes people reflect, I suppose.”

“Sam tell you about lunch? I chewed him out. Fuckin’ asshole doesn’t get to just waltz into our lives and… and… pretend he gives a shit any more than he did before he found out his dirt nap’s comin’. Asks about our families, wants to meet them. Fuck him.”

“You don’t want to go for lunch at Sam’s tomorrow?”

“Why? So he can pretend he cares? So he can go back and tell the nurses about the grandkids whose names he doesn’t even know, like he’s some kind of great guy? Fuck him. He doesn’t get to see my family.”

Cas nods. “Okay.”

Dean turns. “That’s it? Okay? Not gonna try to convince me like Sam?” He tosses his head toward his phone. “I know that’s him. Or my mother. Or both.”

“I’m not going to try to convince you. If you don’t want him to meet the kids, that’s your decision.”

“I don’t want him meeting you, either.” Before Cas’ stomach can drop too far, Dean continues, “Asshole breaks everything he touches. He’s not gonna break this.” He takes Cas’ hand, and Cas sighs in relief. Dean leans forward and presses their lips together gently. “I’ve never been so happy, Cas. Ever,” he says, the gap between them just enough for him to speak. “I mean it. When I was a kid I had some happy times in between the crap, but it wasn’t easy. As an adult I thought I was happy, but… you know how when you’re inside and you have a small light on, it seems bright enough? But then you walk outside? It’s like that. I never knew how dim my life was until I walked out and saw the sun.” Cas’ breath catches in his throat and he wants to kiss him again, badly, but he knows he’s not finished yet. Dean takes Cas’ face in his hands. “I just need you to understand. I… this thing between us. How happy I am. You know it’s not just the boys I’m talking about, right? It’s you. I’m through with living in my father’s shadow. I know what the sun feels like now, and there’s no way I can go back in that room. And I can’t let him get to you. I can’t let him.”

Cas hears the fear in his husband’s voice. He strokes the back of Dean’s neck. “Your father never broke you, or your brother, or your mother. And he won’t break us. I promise you. He has no power over us.” He cups Dean’s face and whispers, “Let me show you how strong we are. Let me make love to you.”

His heart jumps at the word “love,” but he knows Cas is talking about sex. He wants to, he thinks, but he’s so nervous, and he wants it to be special. He doesn’t want to do this when he’s upset. “Um, Cas…”

“Not that,” Cas smiles with a whisper of a kiss. “Making love is an attitude, not an act. Come on.” He takes Dean’s hand and leads him upstairs. Ever-so-slowly, he undresses his husband, one piece at a time, laying his lips over the exposed skin as he goes. When he removes his boxers, he treats his penis as he does the rest of his body, no more or less attention given, no attempt to arouse him. When he’s naked, he sits him on the cool bedspread and undresses himself, keeping his eyes locked with Dean’s, then guides him until he’s laying on his belly.  A _snick_ of a bottle has Dean tensing, but he relaxes quickly when oil is dripped onto his back and Cas’ large, warm hands knead into his tensed-up muscles. Cas works his hands into Dean’s body for what seems like hours; Dean becomes drowsy and pliant under his fingers. He groans when Cas hits all the spots others have ignored: his scalp, his buttocks, his feet. Dean can barely move when Cas taps him to roll over, and Cas chuckles and kisses him lightly on the top of the head. Cas repeats his ministrations with the same care on the front of his body, ending with a barely-there kiss on his lips as he cradles Dean’s head with one hand and hovers on his elbows above him.  

“I want you,” Cas says, tender and strong, no waver in his voice. “I have wanted you since the day I met you. Not in a sexual way; that grew with our relationship. I mean I wanted you as a person. All that you are, all that you’ve been and will be, I wanted. I still want you. I want you when you’re happy and I want you when you’re sad, or angry, or hurt, or scared, or feeling unlovable. I want you when you’re feeling insecure and I want you when you’re feeling on top of the world. I want you in ecstasy and in drudgery, awake and asleep, young and old. I want you as we raise our children, and I want you when they have left for their own families. I am so happy you were born. I am so happy you are here. I want you and I always will. Even if you feel unwanted, unloved, abandoned… know that I will always want you. I know it doesn’t replace what you’ve missed, but I wanted you to know.”

Dean closes his eyes against streams of tears, and Cas waits. When he opens them, he pulls Cas into a deep kiss and brings his body down onto him. Dean, slick from the massage oil, moves against Cas and encourages him to do the same. He adds some oil between them and feels both of them grow hard against each other. Cas shifts his weight so that they’re pinned together and rolls his hips rhythmically until his husband is weeping his name, and Cas is panting into his neck shortly after, his pleasure evident in the release between them.

Castiel cleans them and wraps Dean in an embrace. He wants to tell him he loves him, but he wants the moment to be unmarred, no trace of doubt in Dean’s mind that he’s saying it because it is true and not because he wants Dean to feel better. So he waits.

Dean wants to say it, too. But he waits.

“Why do you think Sam’s doing it?” Dean asks a few hours later, waking from a troubled doze. The cover of darkness makes it easier to talk somehow.

Cas peeks at the clock: 3:14am. Despite the hour, the events of the day have him feeling alert. “I don’t know. Maybe he needs to say goodbye. Maybe he’s hoping for an apology, some sort of last-minute Hail Mary to save the relationship. Maybe he just feels bad for him. Maybe he wants to show him how well he’s done for himself.”

“That’s why I’d do it. As a ‘fuck you, I did great without you’ kind of thing.”

“You have done very well.”

“Yeah.” He picks up Cas’ hand and kisses it. “An apology. If he offered me an apology I’d tell him to save his breath. He doesn’t have many left. Might as well not waste them on someone who isn’t gonna forgive him.”

Cas cards his fingers through Dean’s hair. “Forgiveness isn’t for him, you know. It’s for you.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asks skeptically.

“I mean that when we forgive someone, we let go of the power their act had over our lives. We release the resentment so we don’t have to keep living in it.”

Dean grunts. He’s not sure what to make of that. Cas can tell he’s not buying it.

“It’s like when you forgive a debt after a person can’t or won’t pay you back. The person still owes you the money, and your bank account has taken the hit. That’s not erased. Their refusal or inability to pay you back still exists. But instead of using your energy to beat down their door and demand your money, or complain about the state of your bank account, or wait until you get your money back to build up your account again, you let it go. You use your time and energy to do other things besides beat down their door. You look at how much money you still have and stop focusing on what you don’t have. You do other things to get money back into your account. Maybe you earn even more than you had because you use your energy to make more money instead of chasing down something you were never going to get back. It doesn’t mean you’ll ever loan them money again. Chances are, you won’t. It doesn’t mean it was okay for them not to repay you. You just take your power back and decide not to let it ruin you.”

Dean huffs but says nothing. It’s his “I’m listening” sound. Cas continues, “It’s not something you even need to say to him.  It’s something you say to yourself. Like you don’t have to say to someone, ‘I’m forgiving your debt.’ You just stop banging on their door and demanding it. And if they come back and ask for more, you decide what you want to do. Most likely, you’d say no and why. And they’re stuck with the consequences of their actions without it having to affect your life.”

“Sort of like forgive but not forget.”

“Sort of, yes.”

“Hmm. You a fuckin’ psychology prof now, Cas?” He gives Cas another kiss on his hand.

“No. But it is something we discuss in some of my classes.”

“It makes sense when you explain it like that. And I have let it rule my life. Until recently.” He smooths a hand over Cas’ chest and up to his face, thumbing the scruff on his jaw. “I still don’t know if I wanna have a nice family dinner together. But I can work on the forgiveness thing. For all of us.”

Cas kisses his thumb and says nothing. It isn’t necessary.

“Do you think I’ll regret it?”

“Regret what?”

“Not seeing him one more time?”

“I don’t know, hon.”

Dean sighs and settles in Cas’ arms, hoping to fall back asleep but not having much faith that he will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t come between them! <3 Until Friday, my dears.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of feelings in this chapter!

The morning after a very restless night goes as it usually goes, albeit with a little more coffee. Jamie and Robbie tear around the living room, chasing their fathers on their hands and knees. Dean tries something new and hides, much to the babies’ interest. Robbie finds him first. “Deeeeee-ee-ee-ee!” he screeches happily.

“Little Dude! Aww!” Dean cries, picking up his son. “Cas, he said it!”

“He did!” Cas exclaims with equal enthusiasm. “Must’ve gotten sick of Jamie having all the fun.”

Dean laughs as he surreptitiously wipes away a tear. “Who’s that?” he asks, pointing to Cas. Robbie smiles and hides his face. “Who is it? Is that Dad? Da?”

“Da!” Jamie yells, raising his arms until Cas picks him up.

“Yeah, we know you know it,” Dean says, ruffling Jamie’s hair. “What about you? Who’s that?” Dean asks Robbie again.  

“Dee!”

“No, Da,” Dean laughs.

“Dee!” he cries, waving his arms toward Cas.

“Good enough!” Cas shouts, raising his free arm victoriously and leaning in to blow a raspberry on Robbie’s neck. He takes one of Robbie’s hands and places it on his throat. “Good job, my baby. I love you,” he coos deeply. Robbie laughs hysterically, loving the sound of his father’s voice and the vibrations of his throat under his hand.

They plant the babies on the floor and Dean helps Jamie with his walking, which he fusses about a bit. He’s content to crawl and cruise. Cas grabs his phone and tries to get Robbie to say “Dee” again, but he is too absorbed in playing with his plastic animals. After a while, Cas glances at his phone. “Nap time,” he announces.

“For them or us?”

“Both,” Cas grins. After a great deal of fussing, the babies get to sleep and, true to his word, Cas leads Dean back to their bedroom for some rest. But Dean has other plans. Instead of following quietly, he pounces on Cas as soon as he closes the bedroom door and wrestles him to the bed, then pins his wrists to the mattress.

“Dean, S&M is for the date between anal and fisting,” Cas deadpans, completely unperturbed.

“I’m gonna wipe that snarky little smirk right off your face,” Dean threatens with a leer.

“I can’t wait to see you try.”

Raising his eyebrows, Dean tries and succeeds.

Nearly an hour later, happily exhausted from a more rough-and-tumble-than-usual encounter, Cas and Dean stare at the ceiling. “I love nap time,” Cas murmurs. Dean grins.

They clean up and finish dressing just as the boys wake up. “What do you want to do for lunch?” Cas asks casually as he checks the babies’ diapers and, finding them dry, plops the boys on the floor.

Dean thinks. It’s now or never. This may be the last time he’ll see his father alive. He thinks about Sam, needing his support. He thinks about parenthood. He thinks about forgiveness. He thinks about his future.

“I really don’t want to go,” Dean sighs. “But I think I have to.” At Cas’ arched brow, he clarifies, “For me. And Sam.”

Cas nods. “Okay. Do you want us to go with you? Or just me? Or just the boys and not me?”

“I don’t want you guys anywhere near him.” Dean takes his hand. “But I think I’m gonna need my family there.”

“Then we will be there,” Cas says, squeezing his hand and kissing him. “He has no power over us, hon. I’ll be there for you no matter what. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Thanks, sunshine,” Dean murmurs against his lips. Cas smiles softly at the endearment.

Dean calls Sam and tells him they’re on their way, and the relief in his voice carries over the line loud and clear. “I thought I could do this, but until now I wasn’t sure,” he confides in his brother.  

“You shoulda told me, Sam. You know I would’ve been there for you.”

“I know. But I made my decision, hasty as it was, and I wanted you to be able to make yours.”

Dean smiles softly. “You’re a helluva brother.”

“I learned from the best,” Sam answers.

They arrive just before John, which is a relief to everyone. The boys greet their aunt and uncle excitedly, making the signs as best as they can with little hands. Teaching them a few words in ASL has been very helpful. They scramble down to see Ella, who leads them to her playroom, also known as the living room. Dean sees that Sam and Eileen tried to clear out the toys as best as they could, but they’ve pretty much taken over the space so it proved challenging. Cas follows to make sure the way is clear enough for the boys.

John and a woman Dean assumes is his wife arrive at the door. Sam answers and greets them with handshakes. The woman, Kimberly, looks tired and older than she probably is. Eileen is well-received, which isn’t surprising. She has a way of putting people at ease. John smiles at her, a flirty thing that makes Dean want to retch. It’s like he doesn’t know how to turn it off. Eileen dismisses it.  

“Hi Dean,” John says. Dean nods but doesn’t offer his hand. “I didn’t expect to see you here. Thanks for coming.”

“Wasn’t sure I was, but here I am.”  

“Is your wife here?”

“Nope, but my husband is,” Dean answers, staring his father down. He’s clearly taken aback.

“Are you kid-... Oh,” he says. He looks behind Dean at the man approaching them.

“I’m Cas,” he says. He offers his hand.

“John.” He offers his bony, thin-skinned hand in return and Cas shakes it, firmly but not too firmly. He holds eye contact until John releases his hand and looks away.

“Well, thanks for having me,” he says to Sam and Eileen. They both nod and Eileen smiles.

“Would you like to meet the kids?” Eileen asks.

He nods. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

“Come in.”

They wander to the living room, where Ella and the boys are playing with Mega Blocks. “Ella, this is Mr. John,” Eileen explains verbally while she signs. “He’s Daddy’s Daddy, and he’s here for a visit.”

“Hi,” she says before turning back to her blocks. John smiles.

Cas glances at Dean, who sits stonily. He catches Dean’s attention and Dean rolls his eyes. Cas presses his leg against his gently before dropping to the floor. “And these are our sons, Jamie and Robbie,” Cas says, pointing to each one. He gets their attention, then points to John. The boys don’t go any closer, staring at him before looking at their fathers, then going back to the blocks.

John smiles, then looks at Dean. “Twin boys. Well, I’ll be. They yours?

“They’re ours.”

“You know what I mean.”

“They’re _ours_ ,” Dean repeats through clenched teeth.

John lifts his hands in surrender. “Sorry. Just wondering. Didn’t think you wanted a family, Dean.”

“Yeah, well, funny what happens when you start thinking about who you really are. Turns out I’m a family man.” Dean notices Sam smile and feels a bit better.

“Huh. Well, uh, that’s good, Dean.”

“It is.”

Lunch is ready shortly after, thankfully, and they eat without much to talk about. It feels like he’s a contestant on a game show: _Meet our first contestant, Dean. He’s a school teacher and married father of two from Massachusetts. He enjoys biking, German cuisine, maintaining his classic car, and spending time with his family._ These are basic things that a parent should know about his adult child, things that Dean will surely know when the boys are his age. But John doesn’t know, and so he tells him. He keeps it shallow and doesn’t get into the hurt John caused. He figures he knows about it anyway, or if he doesn’t, then he’s either too stupid to get it or he doesn’t care to know. Either way, Dean’s not wasting his breath. Sam does the same. It’s almost comical, but mostly it’s just sad. Sad for Dean and his brother, yeah, but Dean thinks it must be worse for John. To not even know your kids? Dean can’t imagine. Then again, he’s had years to get to know his kids and he hasn’t, so maybe it’s not sad to him. But it would be sad to Dean. He vows that he will never place himself in that position. If anything, he and Cas will annoy the shit out of their kids with their involvement. It’s a good feeling.

After the meal and dessert, Dean isn’t sure what else to do. Is this when they have their big moment, when they hug it out? John asks to speak to them outside, and he figures this is it.

“Just wanted you boys to know that I really don’t have much to leave you,” he starts. “Being sick pretty much sucked away most of the money I had saved.”

“Not a problem, Dad. We’ve been taking care of ourselves for years,” Dean says. He only meant it as a statement of fact, but John grunts and sighs.

“I know I got busy with other things, but I tried. I hope you know that.”

Sam scoffs. Dean doesn’t believe his poor excuse, either, but says, “I forgive you.”

Sam and John both look at him in disbelief. “Well, I’m working on it, anyway,” Dean clarifies. “You owe us a lot, Dad, and you’ll never be able to make it square, so I’m forgiving your debt.”

“Well, that’s…”

“Not because you deserve it. This is for me and Cas, and our kids, because we do. We deserve a life where all the crap you did doesn’t hang over us. I won’t let you block my sun anymore.” He folds his arms and leans against the porch railing. John gives him a puzzled look, while pride radiates in Sam’s eyes.

Eventually, John clears his throat. “I’d like to spend some time with you, have you and the kids come out to the house before… well. I have some things for you. You too, Sam, and Eileen and Ella, of course.”

Dean notices that Cas is left out of the invitation. “Keep it,” Dean snarls. “I don’t need anything from you.”

“It’s…”

“You can’t be bothered to invite Cas?”

“Your friend can come…”

“He’s not my fuckin’ _friend_ , he’s my _husband_. We’re married. You know, that thing you do that commits your life to another person?”

“I didn’t leave him out on purpose…”

“I think you did. And you called him my friend when you know damn well what he is.”

“I’m sorry! We just… didn’t talk openly about that stuff in my generation!”

Dean scowls. “Fine. So he is invited, then.”

“If it means that much to you, sure. Just... don’t make a spectacle of yourselves. It’s a pretty conservative neighborhood.”

Dean drops his arms, and his hands clench by his sides. “A spectacle. You mean like parading around with other people while I’m married to him? No chance of that.”

“You know what I…”

“You know what? Don’t care. Doesn’t matter. ‘Cause he isn’t coming. And neither am I.”

“Son…”

“It’s not even about your blatant disrespect of Cas or my marriage. Everyone knows you don’t respect marriage. I was never going to come. Like I said, this forgiveness is for me, so I can move on with my life. And that life, whether you die tomorrow or twenty years from now, won’t have you in it. I am healthier and happier without you, and no way am I letting you back in to break that. Best of luck to you. You can label the shit you want me to have. I’ll be in touch with Kimberly.” He brushes past his father, who stops him with a weak touch. He’s no longer the larger-than-life figure Dean always made him out to be.

“So that’s it? I don’t get another chance?”

“You had a lifetime of chances, Dad.” He leaves his father gaping on the porch.

Cas looks up from the castle he, Kimberly, and Eileen are building (and the three kids are knocking down) when Dean comes in. The boys crawl over and into his lap, and he kisses them and tells them he loves them before letting them play again. Eileen rubs a comforting hand on Dean’s bicep, but Cas waits until Dean looks at him. When he does, Cas offers his hand. Dean takes it and smiles sadly.

The door opens again a moment later, and Sam says, “He’s ready to go.” Kimberly gets up and gathers their things. John wanders in and she helps him put on a light jacket, despite the warm temperature. She doesn’t look particularly pleased with him.

“Thank you for everything. It was nice to meet you. I’m glad Sam has you,” John says to Eileen. She nods with a small smile. “Bye, kids,” he says to the children on the floor. Ella waves, but the boys take no notice.

“Bye, Sam,” he says to his younger son, who looks uncomfortable. He doesn’t embrace him. “Bye, Dean,” he mutters, turning to Dean and Cas.

“See ya, Dad.”

“Um, bye Cas,” John says, then pauses to gather his thoughts. “I’m glad Dean has you,” he finishes.

“I’m glad I have him,” Cas responds. Dean kisses his temple.

“Right. Well, it was good to see you boys.” He turns and lets his wife support him into the car, and they watch the dying man fade into the distance.

The two couples talk for a little while, processing the strange afternoon. Sam tells Dean about his brief talk with their father and asks him about the forgiveness thing. Dean tells him what Cas explained to him and how he wants to move forward. There’s a sadness, but a relief in the wake of their father’s departure. Dean imagines this is what it will feel like when he dies. The man had been dead to Dean anyway, but his ghost had been hanging around. Their final confrontation and Dean’s forgiveness (the start of it, anyway) feel like a cleansing of sorts. He is free. The scars will be there, but rather than the ugly reminders of what he has endured, they are the proof of what he has overcome.

Dean and the boys fall asleep on the way home. Cas smiles fondly at the three of them, the family that he had to fight so hard to get. He loves them so damn much.  

Unfortunately for Cas, who wanted some time with Dean alone, the babies consider the short ride home a good enough nap, and they refuse to go back to sleep. Cas resigns himself to an evening of cranky little ones and orders German take-out while Dean sleeps on in their bedroom. He takes them out to pick it up, and when he returns he sets up soft music and dim lights. Dean emerges just as Cas is settling the boys down with their dinner.

“This looks awesome, Cas,” Dean enthuses, giving him a long, sleepy kiss. “And beer. Best husband ever.”

“You’re welcome,” Cas smiles.  

The quiet atmosphere convinces the boys to get to bed a little early, affording their fathers time to talk. They sit on the rattan loveseat on the deck, but Dean pops up quickly, returning a few minutes later with citronella candles and two beers. He sits and tucks Cas against his side.

“Are you okay?” Cas asks.

“I will be,” Dean says, a strange echo of a long-ago conversation.

“You forgave him.”

“Working on it. For us.”

Cas rubs his chest tenderly, right over his heart. “I think you’ve earned a wheelbarrow of cosmic brownie points.”

“Good thing,” Dean says, pulling Cas closer. “I used ‘em all up. Gotta start earning them again.”

“Oh really?” Cas asks, looking up at him with an amused tilt of his head. “What did you use them for?”

Dean’s eyes soften, and he caresses the hollow of Cas’ cheek with a finger. “Cashed ‘em all in to keep you.”

Cas’ eyes crinkle with fondness. “Dean.”

“It’s true, Cas. There’s no reason why you should’ve stayed, and yet here you are.”

“There are so many reasons...”

“I prayed, Cas.

Cas hasn’t ever thought of Dean as religious. “You prayed?”

“When everything was happening. The divorce stuff. I prayed every day to be a better person, to not be my dad, so that I could be with you. That day, I drove around and I couldn’t stop praying that I could keep you somehow, even though it was selfish ‘cause you deserved better and I had no idea how the fuck to have a relationship. I offered up all my points, my car, years off my life, everything I had. And you showed up. And you stayed. I needed a goddamn miracle, and I got one.”

“Dean, honey,” Castiel says tenderly. He wipes away a tear clinging to Dean’s lashes, then cradles his jaw and kisses him sweetly. The kiss turns needy, and soon Dean is climbing into Cas’ lap, desperate to be closer.  

“Need you, Cas,” Dean rasps along his neck. “Need to show you.”

“Dean,” Cas sighs. “Please. Show me. I want you.”

Dean groans and stands, pulling Cas with him. Instead of walking toward the door, though, Dean guides him toward the hammock in the corner of the yard. He tosses the baby monitor into the hammock and kisses him soundly. “Be right back,” he promises, and returns a minute later with a blanket and a small bottle. He lays the throw he tugged off the couch onto the grass, then lies Cas down, strips him, and sets his lips on every patch of skin he sees, tracing trails of love along his body.  

Cas arches into the sensations of warm, wet lips and cool night air. He loves the nighttime with Dean, the intimacy of their time together, physical or not. But oh, he does love their physical intimacy, especially within the security of their relationship, the love they feel. Neither of them have said it, but Cas knows. He hears a familiar little click and starts to salivate like Pavlov’s dogs, knowing what’s coming next — Dean’s strong hand, stroking them to completion. He gets more than he expected, gasping in surprise when the fist leaves his cock and a finger trails behind his sac and massages his perineum, then grazes his hole. Cas moans, both to reward Dean for his effort and because it feels damn good.  

“Like that?” Dean asks hesitantly.

“Yes,” Cas says, already becoming breathless with excitement. It’s been so long since he’s been touched in this way.

“I’m not sure what else to do.”

Cas catches Dean’s bright, nervous eyes in the moonlight. “Honey, you don’t have to…”

“I want to show you.”

“Are you sure? We really don’t have…”

“What’d I tell you about being overcautious?” He says it gruffly, but his eyes shine with gratitude and affection. “I want to. I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“Give me your hand,” Cas says with a small grin. He leads Dean’s lubed fingers around his entrance, then gently guides one finger to press into the center and in. He huffs a breathy moan.

“Like that?”

“Just like that, hon.”

“Fuck. Feels… tight. Responsive.”

“I’m happy you came for a visit,” Cas jokes, making Dean chuckle. Dean pushes his finger in further, making Cas squirm and squeak.

“You okay?” Dean asks.

“Yeah. Here,” Cas says, guiding him again. He shows Dean how he likes it, and Dean seems fascinated by the look on Cas’ face. When Cas helps him find his prostate and cries out in pleasure, Dean stares at him wide-eyed.  

“I’ve been missing out,” Dean comments emphatically. Cas laughs between Dean’s erratic grazing of his prostate.

“Give me the bottle,” Cas urges. He complies with a bit of hesitance. “Just keep doing what you’re doing. I’m not doing anything we haven’t already done.” Dean does, and Cas takes them both in a lubricated hand and pumps them. He’s incredibly turned on by watching Dean’s face as he takes in all the sensations.   

“Cas, fuck,” Dean moans as Cas throws his head back when Dean manages to find his prostate again. “Should I add a finger?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Cas breathes before adding, “If you’re comfortable.”

Dean pours a generous drizzle of lube, then gingerly adds a second finger. Cas shows him how to move and enjoys the feeling of Dean’s fingers for a minute. Dean watches him in awe. Realizing that he stopped stroking them both, Cas flips them so that Dean is under him. He squirts more lube between them and they rut together. Dean grabs his ass and keeps his fingers buried in his husband, but the feeling of Cas all around him makes him lose his concentration and he stills his hand as he grows overwhelmed with pleasure. Despite that, Cas becomes a writhing mess, pushing himself back and forth between their cocks and Dean’s fingers until he crests. Dean follows quickly; he hears Dean’s cry of pleasure just before feeling his release on his skin, which only adds to his own pleasure. He rests heavily on his husband as they recover.

“That was so fucking hot,” Dean gasps.

“Fucking amazing, Dean. Thank you, sweetheart.”

“I was supposed to do more, though. Kinda forgot. You ended up doing the work in the end.”

“It’s not a contest, Dean.”

“I know, but I wanted to show you how much I need you.”

“You did. Needing me so much you can’t function is a good indicator.”

“I know, but…” Dean gives up and looks away.

“Vows, Dean. Talk to me.”

Dean sighs. “You’ve done so much for me and I couldn’t even finish.”

Cas is confused. “Did you not finish? I could’ve sworn you came,” he says as he looks between them.

“Not that,” Dean says, the corners of his mouth ticking up. “I mean, I wanted to… I don’t know. Take my time. Really turn you on, explore, you know? But I couldn’t see well, and I didn’t know what I was doing, and you felt so good I just kinda got lost in the moment.”

“Hey,” Cas says, ruffling the fringe of Dean’s hair. “It was your first time. Just trying this with me showed me how much you wanted me, how much you care. I love that you just lost yourself with me. And outside sex,” he says, huffing a smile, “well, you know how much I love that.”

“I see that,” Dean laughs. “I know they can’t see us, but I hope the neighbors didn’t hear us.”

“Hopefully not,” Cas chuckles.

“It was okay, though? It was good for you? I didn’t hurt you?”

“It was great, hon, really. I loved it,” Cas assures him. He licks his lips and hesitates, but eventually asks, “Do you think you might want to do it again?”

“Yeah,” Dean breathes.

Cas has _no idea_ how much Dean wants to do it again. He goes to bed thinking about it. A few hours later, he wakes up and thinks about it. He liked it. He liked it a _lot_. It didn’t make him feel dirty or weird like he thought it would. And Cas… he said he loved it. He’d probably love it even more if Dean knew what the hell he was doing. Dean wonders if he should practice. But how, except on Cas… or…

Dean gulps hard as he sits up. _Shit_. Could he do that to himself? He isn’t sure. But he doesn’t want to make Cas teach him. He wants to be a good lover for Cas, wants him to just be able to enjoy himself. Plus, he admits he’s… curious. He’s not sure if Cas was playing it up, but it looked like it felt good. If he can teach himself, maybe he won’t be scared when the time comes. And it _will_ come, because he wants to do this for Cas.

Over the next couple of days, he does his research online. When he thinks he knows what to do, he waits until Cas is asleep, and then he waits some more just to be safe. He tries to move off the bed but Cas wakes, likely used to the kids waking during the night even if they haven’t in a while. He thinks about “using the bathroom,” but doesn’t want to take the chance of Cas looking for him when he takes too long. He sighs and settles in to sleep. Waking again at around 2:00, he glances over at Cas. He looks like he’s sound asleep. Dean tries to get up, but is foiled by Cas asking if he’s alright. Dean makes a quick trip to the bathroom and resigns himself to making his attempt tomorrow.

The next night, Dean tries again and is foiled again. The night after that, he decides he’ll have to stay in bed. As quietly as he can, he unscrews the cap from the lube (he doesn’t want to take the chance that Cas will hear the too-familiar snap of the flip-top) and smears his fingers, then takes a deep breath and touches himself.

It’s… strange, but not unpleasant. When he finally dares to breach himself, he only gets the tip of his finger in before he clenches. He forgets to breathe, he realizes belatedly as he feels lightheaded. He lets it rest there for a while, closing his eyes and trying to get used to the sensation. He eventually moves his finger in and out, and while it doesn’t feel bad, he’s not having the kind of reaction Cas did. After a few minutes he gives up, promising himself that he’ll try again tomorrow.

He tries again the next night, and the night after that. Cas mentions that he looks tired, but Dean shrugs it off, citing end-of-the-school-year fatigue. On Sunday night, Dean falls asleep on the couch while watching a movie with Cas. Cas orders him to bed, tucks him in, and kisses him before rolling over and giving Dean some space to rest.

Cas knows what’s happening, of course. He’s a light sleeper.

Dean wakes sometime in the wee hours, as if his mind is conditioned now. He lubes his fingers and tries again. This time, Cas speaks.

“Relax, hon,” he says, scaring Dean half to death. Cas places his hand on his arm. “You’re too tense. You’ll never enjoy it that way.”

Dean is mortified. “I’m not…”

“Uh huh. Just like you haven’t been for the last few nights?”

Dean closes his eyes and moves his hands onto his belly. “You knew?” he asks quietly.

“Light sleeper, hon. Just figured you were trying to work some things out.” Dean snorts and Cas shoves him lightly. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah.” Dean sighs. “I can’t seem to get this gay sex thing right.”

“Yes, that’s what I’m thinking every time we’re blowing our loads on each other,” Cas teases, purposely using language he thinks will shock Dean out of his self-flagellation. He’s pleased when Dean laughs. “Hey.”

“What?”

“You were probably just so focused on being quiet that you couldn’t relax.”

“Yeah, probably,” Dean concedes. “I just wanted to get it right. Figured if I practiced, I could surprise you and blow you away.”

“You’re already good at blowing,” Cas grins in the dark. “Why didn’t you just practice on me?”

“Defeats the purpose of a surprise, babe.”

“I know, but I don’t need you to surprise me.”

Cas feels Dean shrug. “Dunno. Just don’t wanna make you hafta teach me everything.”

“That’s half the fun,” Cas says suggestively. “How did you practice pleasuring a woman?” He just barely keeps himself from laughing when Dean hems and haws before admitting that he had to figure it out with his partners. Cas finally cuts him a break. “Same principle. Everyone’s different, hon. Even though we have the same equipment, we may like different things. Though, believe me, I appreciate the effort,” he says as he rubs his arm, “I’d rather you figure out what feels good to you.”

“Yeah,” Dean sighs. “I’m trying. Can’t seem to get myself going.”

“Well, like I said, you were probably too tense. Plus, some people just don’t like fingering themselves. For some people it’s like tickling themselves; it just doesn’t work.”

“Yeah, maybe. That makes sense.”

“Mmm. I’m happy to help if you want. Or you can keep trying on your own. Or both. Or neither. Whatever you want. But if you want to make me feel good, I am completely on board with practicing as much as you need.” This punches a laugh out of Dean, which makes Cas feel better. They lie in bed for a while, Cas’ arm across Dean’s abdomen.

Dean breathes deeply. “You wanna… um, help?”

“Yes. Anything you want.”

“Um, well, I wanna make you make those sounds again. And I… kinda wanna see what you were moanin’ about.”

Cas barely keeps himself from jumping up and down with glee. “Hmm. Tell you what. Why don’t we get some sleep, and then tomorrow afternoon when you get out of work we can have a date? I’ll make arrangements for the boys.”

Dean fails to keep the disappointment from his voice. “You don’t wanna try right now?”

“You’re exhausted, hon, and I’m pretty tired from waking up during the night and having to hold back how turned on I was knowing you were touching yourself right next to me.” Dean chuckles and Cas squeezes his middle. “Tomorrow we’ll be well-rested and alone, and we’ll have daylight so I can see how fucking sexy you are. Plus I can romance you before. Sound good?”

“Sounds awesome,” Dean says, resting his arm on top of Cas’.

They both sleep soundly until the boys wake them in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, look at them go. Wait until the next chapter... ;)
> 
> So, I have a question: do you want to know how many chapters are left? I feel like we are all so attached to these guys that we might need to ease into this, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. Thoughts?


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some romance and sexy times....
> 
> Also, for those who wanted to know how many chapters are left... see the end notes. ;)

Dean can hardly wait to get home, especially when he finds a note in his lunch bag:

_Can’t wait for later XOXO_

“What’s got you smiling like that?” Donna teases when they’re outside with the kids at recess.

“Date with Cas,” Dean answers.

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” she murmurs just for him to hear. They laugh before Donna adds, “It’s so cute that you two are still going on dates. So in love.”

Dean smiles at that. It’s true, at least from his perspective. He thinks it’s true for Cas, too. Dean’s not afraid of it anymore, not afraid that either of them will run. They’re in this together. Cas is his one and only. And he’s going to tell him so. He just wants to do it perfectly, and he has a plan. All he has to do is wait a couple more weeks.

“Cas shared some pictures from your Bermuda trip on his Facebook page. Can’t believe that was a year ago.”

“Tell me about it. God, that was a great trip. Gonna be awhile before we can do that again.”

“Yeah, but if you train the kids early, they’ll be good little travelers. You won’t get your alone time, but such is the plight of parents.”

“We can if we bring Grammy and Nana,” Dean teases, then thinks about it and realizes it’s not a bad idea. He’ll have to talk to Cas.

When he gets home, he’s surprised to see a couple of cars in front of the house that he doesn’t recognize. He walks into the house and Cas meets him at the door.  

“Come with me,” Cas says, taking his hand. He leads him upstairs and to their bedroom, Dean’s old bedroom now being the guest room officially. The bed is made with brand-new, all-white linens. Cas slowly undresses him to his boxers, then hands him a glass of champagne and sits him on the bed. Cas follows suit. He kisses him sweetly, then laughs as they separate.

“What?” Dean asks with a lopsided grin.

“We never did the cheesy ‘link arms and drink champagne’ thing at our wedding,” Cas says. Dean snickers and raises his arm, and they link up and drain their glasses. Cas refills them and they each try to drink from the other’s glass, but it’s awkward and they laugh through it. For their third glass, Dean suggests chugging, which they do but immediately regret thanks to the fizz.  

“We’re fuckin’ sophisticated,” Dean deadpans. Cas laughs and hands him a plush, white bathrobe, donning one of his own. Dean sighs into the thick fabric. “Goodnight,” he jokes as he falls back onto the bed.  

“Not yet,” Cas says, pulling him up. “Come on.”

Cas leads him downstairs and outside, where there’s a white gazebo with gauzy curtains pitched on the lawn. Two women in white greet them. They’re standing behind tables.

“Cas,” Dean says softly, understanding what Cas has done.  

“Thought I’d bring a little Bermuda back home,” he says. Dean pulls him close and kisses him soundly before they go to their tables.  

An hour later, loose and languid, Cas brings Dean to the deck. In his blissed-out stupor, Dean never heard anyone milling around, but he sees turquoise candles and white linens set up on the table under the umbrella, along with teapots and delicate cups, scones and sandwiches, and three dishes of condiments.

“Scones and clotted cream! Damn, I love you,” Dean says as he joyously takes in the table. Cas’ face softens, and Dean realizes what he just said. Cas watches him, waiting. Dean knows he’s wondering what he’ll say next — if he’ll make some excuse or try to backpedal. He takes Cas’ hand and smiles. “I kinda love you, Milton. I kinda, kinda do. So much.”

“I kinda love you, Winchester,” Cas replies, his eyes brimming because he knew, but now he _knows_. “So very much.” He pulls Dean by the hand and into a long kiss, heedless of the massage therapists packing up or the chef waiting to serve them. Dean returns it full-force, squeezing his hand while he holds his face steady and thumbs away tears. Whether they’re his own or Cas’, he’s not sure.

“Damn, that is not how I was supposed to tell you,” Dean mutters with a little huff.

“Since when have we done things the way we’re supposed to?”

Dean gazes at Cas’ blue, blue eyes, sparkling with what he now knows for sure is love, and decides it doesn’t matter how he was supposed to tell him. It only matters that he did. “I love you,” he says again.

“I love you,” Cas smiles, then leans close to his husband’s ear and whispers, “so let’s get this done so I can show you.” He bites at his ear lightly, making Dean laugh and shiver.

The chef presents them with Earl Grey and chamomile teas, lemon-basil and almond scones, and the cucumber and lavender sandwiches that Dean loved so much. Clotted cream, lemon curd, and strawberry-rhubarb preserves sit to the side. She smiles and tells them to enjoy before she takes her leave.

“Damn, I love the almond scones,” Cas remarks as he picks one up. “Would you love some clotted cream for your scone? Because you love it so much? Or would you love some preserves instead?” Cas asks with a playful wink.

“Shut up,” Dean laughs.

They eat and chat, glancing at each other bashfully, the feelings still so fresh even if they’ve both felt them for a while. When they’re done, they bring the dishes and teapots inside and leave them on the counter.  

“This concludes the Bermuda portion of the evening. Time to make some new memories,” Cas grins wickedly. “Come on.” He leads Dean upstairs and into their en suite bathroom, which is filled with steaming water and white petals.

“Damn, Cas, how’d you do this?” Dean asks when they settle into the tub

“I paid the massage therapists extra to do this. They filled it before they left.”

“Wow,” Dean says, impressed.

“Spread your legs,” Cas orders. Dean widens his eyes at Cas’ boldness, and Cas rolls his eyes. “There’s very little room in here,” he explains. Dean does as he’s asked, and Cas kneels between his legs, pours some shampoo in his hand, and massages it through Dean’s hair.  

“You are too good to me,” Dean mumbles through slackened lips.

“Don’t slouch too far or you’ll drown yourself,” Cas teases. He rinses Dean’s hair and repeats his actions with the conditioner. While he waits for it to work its magic, he pours soap onto a washcloth and washes every inch of his husband’s body. By the time he’s finished, Dean is utterly relaxed. He takes a minute to wash himself quickly while Dean is in a floaty state, then pushes the lever to drain the tub. Grabbing a towel, he dries them both. They wrap themselves in their robes and climb onto their bed.

“Dude, these sheets,” Dean murmurs, rubbing his face and body into them. Cas stifles both a chuckle and a moan. When Dean peeks one eye open, Cas is simply kneeling on the bed, watching him with unguarded affection. Damn, he loves Cas. “C’mere, babe,” he beckons.

They disrobe and cover each other with kisses and touches, which are wonderful, but soon they’re not enough. Dean wants more. He grabs the bottle of lube from the bedside table and flips the top open, but hesitates. Does he want to touch Cas, or does he want Cas to touch him? He takes Cas’ hand and pours some on his fingers, then kisses him hard and flips onto his back. “Touch me,” he begs.

He can hardly believe it. Finally, _finally._ Inhaling shakily, he gently presses his lips all over his husband’s thighs and belly before working his way up his chest and to his mouth. “One finger,” he says against his lips, then kisses him. He slides his fingertip in, pausing when Dean tenses. When he relaxes a bit, Cas gently works his finger around, pausing each time he tenses up and resuming when he calms. Slowly, he inches his way, pausing and reassuring and distracting him. When Dean begins to hum with pleasure, Cas kisses him thoroughly and strokes him a couple of times. “Two fingers,” he tells him as he adds a bit more from the bottle. Dean licks his lips nervously. Cas circles a few times, then suddenly sucks his cock into his mouth as he glides his fingers inside. Dean nearly jumps off the bed with a cry, Cas’ hand the only thing tethering him. Cas slows down, knowing the dual sensations are both pleasurable and overwhelming. When Dean has relaxed, Cas smiles to himself and strokes his prostate.

“H-h-holy sh-shit!” Dean yelps. Cas stops and looks up at Dean.

“Problem, hon?”

“Fuck, no.”

“Just checking,” Cas smirks before going back to work.

Dean can’t get over what a goddamn expert Cas is at this. He never got the appeal of this stuff before, but he sure as hell gets it now. He’s gladly at Cas’ mercy as he writhes under his perfect mouth and hands, helpless to do anything but moan and grip the sheets. Cas moans loudly in response and it sends a thrilling tremor through his entire body.

“Oh God,” Dean whines, knowing he’s entirely too close. “Oh God, wait, wait.” Cas stops immediately.

“Are you alright?”

“Understatement,” Dean pants. “But I was too close. Wanna make it good for you, too.”

“Are you kidding? It’s great for me.” He slides up Dean’s body and emphasizes his point with a lusty kiss. But Dean won’t be distracted again. He grasps Cas’ shoulders and hooks a leg around his, then rolls them over.

Willing his blood to return to the rest of his body, Dean touches Cas in all the ways he knows he likes. As Cas surrenders under his lips, Dean squirts lube onto his fingers, then, carefully, thrusts in shallowly with one digit, attempting to copy what Cas did. He’s proud of himself when Cas’ muscles release under his touch. Cas sits up and brings Dean down for a kiss, pushing down on his finger as he does and making them both groan. Seeing the pleasure on Cas’ face, he pushes his finger into Cas himself this time, and Cas smiles slack-jawed and tips his head back on the pillow as he tilts his pelvis up, inviting Dean to repeat the movement. Dean can’t tear his eyes away as Cas hums and sighs and rolls his head back and forth. He opens his legs a bit more, though, and when Dean looks down he can’t take his eyes off _that_. Without thinking to ask, he adds a finger and Cas moans his approval. He watches himself plunge into Cas, now knowing firsthand how Cas is feeling, and it’s all kinds of hot. He knows what would make him feel even better, though, and he searches for it.

“Where is it?” Dean mutters to himself. After a few more seconds, Cas gasps and he knows he’s found it.

“Feel good, babe?” He gets a breathy gurgle in response, and he laughs proudly and affectionately. “Good.” He doubles his efforts then, determined not to lose it. It’s easier now that he can see, and being on the receiving end really did help. He loses it once when Cas tugs his hair and brings him into a steamy kiss, distracting him from his task. When they pull back, he loses it again, in a completely different way.

“I love you so much, Dean,” Cas whispers on a sigh as he stares up at him, his hand tenderly smoothing his brow. Dean’s nose prickles with the tears welling in his eyes. He brings his free hand up and cradles Cas’ head.

“Cas. Cas, I love you. I never… never…”

“It’s okay, honey,” Cas soothes as Dean begins to sob. Dean brings his other hand up and around his waist.

“I just never… thought I’d ever feel this way… never thought anyone would feel this way about me….” He stops and buries his face in Cas’ neck. Cas shushes him gently and strokes his hair.

“I know, sweetheart. I know.”

“You don’t, though. You’re my miracle, babe.”

“And you’re my dream come true.”

“I need you so much. Need… you.” He clings to Cas like an octopus, surrounding him with arms and legs. There’s a tone to his voice, an urgency in his touch, a question in his pause that Cas knows is the desire to be _closer_.

“Do you want to be inside me, Dean?” Cas asks in his ear. He nods against Cas’ neck. Cas taps his cheek until he looks at him. “Give me your hand,” he smiles.

It’s slow, gentle instruction. Curious movement. Pleasure and awe. And when Dean, with Cas’ encouragement, finally breaches and fills his husband, it’s love manifested.

“Cas,” Dean murmurs once he’s fully seated. His voice is barely above a whisper, the strain of his emotions and the overwhelming physical pleasure making his throat tight.

“Mmm?”

“This is…”

When he pauses too long, Cas tries, “Fucking awesome? No pun intended?”

Dean laughs and laughs, once again caught off-guard by his husband and best friend; he’s grateful for his humor and how he knows just what he needs. Cas grins and captures his lips with his teeth, getting his attention. “If you think this is fucking awesome, you should try moving.”

He does, and Cas is right.

“Fuuuck,” Dean moans. Cas is incredibly tight and hot. He’s not sure how long he can hold off, but he’s also not sure if Cas is close or not. He doesn’t sound like he is. He reaches between them and grasps his cock in his hand, still lubed from prepping him. Cas’ breathing picks up, and soon he’s asking Dean to go faster. Dean isn’t sure which he wants to be faster, so he speeds up both his hand and his thrusts. This seems to work for his husband, who makes beautiful noises and rolls his body with Dean’s, doubling their pleasure. He’s rapidly reaching his peak and thinks Cas is, too. He starts chanting his name mindlessly but stops as Cas comes suddenly, his release and the spasms of his body throwing Dean over the edge right along with him. He holds Cas tightly against him as his vision blacks out, just barely conscious of him gripping onto his hair as he wheezes against Cas’ neck. “Damn,” he manages to squeak after several minutes. He feels the wetness pooling in the corners of his eyes and he wipes it away surreptitiously (or so he thinks) as he rolls them to their sides, sliding out of his husband in the process. He doesn’t notice Cas’ small wince, followed by his contented smile as he gazes at Dean’s flushed, damp face.

“Know what, hon?”

“What?”

Cas kisses Dean on the nose. “You’re really good at this gay sex thing.”

“I’m hella homosexual,” he laughs.  

“Probably more like bisexual, maybe demi. Definitely homoromantic.”

“Eh, potato, potahto. Doesn’t matter. I’m Cas-sexual and Cas-romantic.”

Cas chuckles low in his throat, a rumbling hum that Dean can’t resist. He presses his lips lazily against Cas’, too drained to muster more effort. Cas smiles against them. “Doing okay, hon?”

Dean breathes Cas in and returns his smile. “Perfect. You?”

“Perfect.” He pulls back and watches Dean for a moment, making sure he really is okay. All he sees is confidence and love in his eyes. Damn, he really does have it all now. He links his fingers with Dean’s. “Want to grab some pizza before we pick up the kids?”

Dean looks at Cas as if he read his mind — or his soul. “I fuckin’ love you,” he declares with conviction.

“I love you, too,” Cas says with a laugh and a kiss. “Let’s clean up before we go.”

They take a quick shower, Dean watching Cas carefully rinse off with interest. “You okay?”

“I’m okay. It’s just been a while.”

“Does it hurt?”

“No.” At Dean’s doubtful look, he continues, “I promise.”

“Will it hurt, like, the first time? For me?”

Cas stops what he’s doing and holds Dean’s hips. “If you choose to try, I will do everything I can to make it comfortable for you. You might feel it for a bit after, but trust me, people wouldn’t do it if it didn’t feel good. And with me,” he says against Dean’s lips, “it will feel very, very good.”

“Cocky bastard,” Dean snickers, though he secretly feels comforted. He presses against Cas’ lips gently, an expression of love and thanks.

They get an extra-large meat lover’s (“Seems fitting,” Dean says, followed by Cas’ eye roll), then head to Gabe and Kali’s to pick up the boys. They’re greeted by Shara and Anjuli.

“Hi, Uncle Cas! Hi, Uncle Dean! Did you have a nice date?” Anji asks, hands gripping a notebook. She’s wearing a pair of Gabe’s old glasses with the lenses removed and a shirt of Kali’s that drapes like a dress on her. Shara is wearing one of Gabe’s white dress shirts with the sleeves rolled up and her white dress shoes from Easter.

“Yes, we had a very nice date, thank you,” Cas says, kissing each of his nieces.

“You two look adorable,” Dean says, leaning down for kisses of his own.

“We are not adorable. We are grown-up ladies,” Shara insists after accepting his kiss on her cheek.

“Yes, and we have the report cards for you,” Anji adds.

“What report cards?”

“Jamie and Robbie’s, duh,” Shara says.

“Well, hey guys, did ya have a good date?” Gabe asks as he saunters in with Robbie in his arms. Before they can answer, he gives them both a once-over and snickers. “Yeah you did,” he says with a nod and a knowing grin. “You have that glow.”

“Gabe,” Cas chides, though his smile and his blush take the edge off his scolding. Dean clicks his tongue and wiggles his brows, and Cas turns his scolding onto Dean. “You’re encouraging him.”

“Yeah, but he’s not wrong,” Dean grins before apologizing with a kiss to Cas’ cheek. He reaches out for Robbie and smooches his face noisily.

“Okay,” Anji says, ignoring the banter. She consults her notebook, which has large, blocky letters and scribbling. “Me and Doctor Shara have given the boys their report cards. They have both done very well.”

“That is very good to hear, Doctor Anjuli.”

“I’m not the _doctor_ , Uncle Cas, I’m the _teacher_.”

“My apologies. Please continue.”

“Okay, So first we have Robbie. He got smiley faces on allll his stuff. He can smile and he can say Daddy and he can walk all by himself.”

“Nice going, Robster!” Dean cheers his son, whose face lights up when he sees his brother approaching with Aunt Kali.

“Oh, look at you two looking like you’ve been freshly…” Kali says, ending with an exaggerated wink.

Cas sighs and shakes his head. “You and my brother are made for each other.”

“You know it.”

“I’m not done my report!” Anji protests.

“Sorry, Miss Anji, go ahead,” Cas says as he takes Jamie, who’s calling for him and wriggling out of Kali’s arms.

“Okay!  And Jamie _also_ got alllll smiley faces! ‘Cause he can smile and talk and walk by himself, too!”

“Anji, dummy! You weren’t supposed to tell him that!” Shara scolds her sister.  

Anjuli’s hand flies to her mouth and her eyes start to water. “I’m sorry! I forgot! I didn’t mean to!”

Based on the quick glance at everyone’s faces, Cas figures that Jamie must’ve taken his first steps without them there. His heart aches that he missed it, but aches even more at the guilt on his niece’s face. “Oh, walking by himself, you mean? He did that yesterday. We were hoping he would surprise you!” He smiles brightly through his blatant lie. Four faces sag in relief.

“Phew!” Anji squeals, wiping a hand across her forehead. “Doctor Shara, it’s your turn!”

“They are both very healthy,” she proclaims with a serious nod. “They don’t have any fevers or broken legs.”

“Well, _that’s_ a relief!” Dean exclaims. “It’d be mighty hard to walk if they did!”

“Good report, girls. Okay, let’s get your cousins’ stuff and bring it out here, please,” Gabe instructs them, and they race away, Gabe leading the charge while Kali encourages them to run faster so they can beat their father.

“It’s been a day of firsts,” Dean murmurs just loud enough for the two of them.

“Indeed,” Cas answers with warm eyes.

“Too bad we missed his.”

“Yes. But there will be more firsts. And I enjoyed our other firsts today.”

Dean steps up to Cas and slides an arm around his waist. “Me too.” He kisses him softly, then adds, “I’m impressed. I thought for sure you’d freak out if you missed one of their firsts.”

Cas shrugs. “I’m disappointed, but it’s bound to happen. He didn’t need us for this. He did it on his own, and that’s okay. That’s what we want for them eventually, right? I figure if we’re there for them when it matters, if we support them, then they’ll do more and more on their own, without us being there. Part of raising them is letting go.”

“So philosophical,” Dean says. “Still, I would’ve liked to have seen it.”

“Me too. But I didn’t want to make a big deal of it and make Anji cry.”

“You’re such a good uncle. It’s one of the many reasons I love you.” He presses his lips to Cas’.

“Dee-ee-ee!”

Dean breaks the kiss and looks at Robbie.  “Wha-aa-at?” he smiles, kissing his nose. Robbie rubs his face on Dean’s clavicle.  “Tired, buddy?”

“Deeee,” he says again, this time reaching for Cas. The men separate and Cas takes their son in his free arm.

“Okay, I think their suitcases are packed,” Gabe jokes. “Man, I do _not_ miss lugging all this crap around.”

“We won’t, either,” Dean comments. He takes the boys’ bags, then is almost taken out at the knees by two excited girls. He kneels down and gives them both hugs and kisses. “Love you, girls,” he says. “Say bye to Uncle Cas, but just hug his legs gently, okay? He’s got the boys and they’re tired.” They do as they’re asked, then run off with Kali to get ready for bed.

“Thanks for being cool about the walking thing,” Gabe says quietly to his brother. “Sorry. We felt bad.”

“It’s alright. I felt bad seeing Anji so upset.”

“Heart of gold, that one,” Gabe says fondly. “See you guys Sunday?”

“See you then.”

“Later.”

That night, the couple climbs into bed, their new sheets feeling cool and crisp (and slightly damp in spots, but they ignore that).

“Good day?” Cas asks, taking Dean’s hand.

“The best,” Dean assures him with a squeeze. “Although you’ve made it really hard for me to go to work tomorrow.”

“Oh? Why’s that?” he asks with an air of innocence.

“You know why.”

“Told you I’m a beast in the sack.”

Dean recalls the conversation and laughs hard enough to shake the bed. “You were right.” He pauses. “Do you remember what else you told me?”

Cas frowns in thought. “No.”

“You said you’re a top who likes it hard and dirty. Any truth to that?”

Cas chuckles darkly. “Good night, Dean.”

“What? Hey, come on!”

“I love you.”

“You’re not answering me!”

“Sweet dreams.”

Dean huffs a resigned sigh. “Yeah, I love you, too. Pain in my ass.”

Cas smiles to himself as Dean drapes his arm across him in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: the return of someone we haven’t seen in a while... and Father’s Day!
> 
>  
> 
> Number of chapters left (drum roll)....4!


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s Father’s Day! <3

The morning after their Bermuda date, Dean wakes Cas up before the alarm and they make love much as they did the day before, except that Dean feels a bit more confident this time around. When he leaves the house after their cuddle huddle, it’s to a chorus of “Dada!” and “Dee!” and “Love you, hon.” It feels fucking amazing, and he cannot believe his good fortune. Those brownie points must’ve been worth more than he thought.

“Well hey there, Heart Eyes!” Donna calls to him when he walks into the lounge.

“Hey yourself, gorgeous,” he grins, twirling her around and making her giggle.

“This is more than last day of school happy,” she observes. “What’s with you?”

“I just love being in love.” He hums as he practically skips to the coffeemaker.  

“Date was that good, huh?” Donna asks.

He pours the coffee for both of them. “It was incredible, Don. He recreated one of our days in Bermuda.”

She squeals as Cesar groans, “There is no way I’m telling Jesse that. He already gives me crap about being ‘more romantic, like Dean and Cas.’ I’ll never hear the end of it.” Dean smirks and shrugs in apology, though he’s not sorry at all.

The day flies by with last-day-of-school field day activities and awards. When the last student has left, Dean breathes a sigh of relief. He loves his work, but he’s ready for summer vacation, especially since he’ll get to spend the entire summer with the boys and Cas. Several colleagues, most he considers his friends now, pass by and chat before they leave. He makes plans with many of them to meet up over the summer. The rest he wishes a great vacation and tells them he’ll see them in a couple of months. Only one keeps his distance. He still doesn’t really understand why Benny has an attitude toward him. Benny seems to have a good life, as far as he can tell. But he also knows from personal experience that looks can be deceiving. He decides to give it one more shot with the man.

“Mr. Lafitte? Got a sec?” Dean asks when he finds Benny in his office, packing up the last of his things. He looks up and nods to the empty chair. Dean sits. “So, we gonna keep up this Cold War, or what?”

Benny says nothing.

“Listen, I dunno what your problem is with me. But we gotta work together, and it’d be nice to not have things be so awkward. I don’t give a shit whether you like me or not. Whatever. But this thing you’re harboring against me is affecting other people. They don't know how to act or what to say when we’re in the same room. So I figured we should clear the air. Plus, I’m a little worried about you, to be honest. This shit you’ve been doing seems way out of character.”

Benny stares at his desk and says nothing. Dean sighs.

“Okay, well, I’ve done my part. You ever wanna figure this shit out, lemme know. I’m heading home to my husband and kids.” Dean stands to go, but waits when Benny starts speaking.

“I’m leaving, so you ain’t gotta worry about me.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Gave my notice, goin’ back to Louisiana.”

“Oh.” Dean frowns. “You alright?”

“Why do you give a shit?”

Dean’s frown deepens. “I dunno. You’ve just seemed miserable.”

“Thus the goin’ back home, where things ain’t complicated.”

“Shit been complicated here?”

Benny finally looks him in the eye, but only briefly, before he turns away again.

“I don’t get it,” Dean continues, since Benny doesn’t. “What’s so complicated? And what’s it gotta do with me?”

“Don’t matter anymore. I’m goin’ back to where things make sense. Good luck to you and the domestic partner or whatever. Have a fuckin’ happy little life.” He turns his back to Dean, dismissing him. Dean huffs and shakes his head. He walks to the door and opens it, then looks back at Benny one more time.

“I am gonna have a happy life. And despite you being an absolute dick to me, I hope you find what you’re looking for before it’s too late. We were once the same guy, Lafitte, minus the homophobic attitude toward others. And you know what? I might’ve looked fine, but I was a miserable bastard. When I let myself feel and I stopped being afraid and started being who I really am, I got a hell of a lot happier. Try putting down the big guns and stepping out from behind your walls. You might be surprised at how much happier you get.” He walks away, leaving the gym teacher behind and missing the expression on his face.

That night, cleaning up after supper, Cas asks Dean what’s on his mind.

“Benny’s leaving.”

This comes as a surprise to Cas, though not an unpleasant or unwelcome one. But Dean seems upset, so he asks, “Want to talk about it?”

Dean sighs heavily. “I tried to, you know, ‘make amends’ or some bull, but he wanted nothing to do with it.”

“Mmm. Sorry, hon.”

“It’s not even that. Not like we were buds, really. He was just so cryptic, like he said ‘It’s complicated’ and gave me attitude for even asking him or showing any concern. And he’s like, ‘Good luck to you and the domestic partner’ and tells me to have an effing happy life, like I’ve personally offended him by being happy.”

“Maybe you have.”

Dean furrows his brow. “What?”

“Maybe you have,” Cas repeats. “Maybe he’s jealous.”

“Jealous? Why?”

“Well, you’ve told me before that the two of you were similar in many ways. Maybe he sees your happiness and is angry that he doesn’t have it.”

“Yeah, but I’m with a dude.”

“Doesn’t matter. He would just imagine his own happiness in whatever way he would want it. Although…” Cas muses, pausing in his cleaning of the counter.

“What?”

“Could he have been attracted to you?”

“What? No. Dude’s heterosexual.”

“You were ‘heterosexual’ for many years, Dean. All the evidence pointed that way. And yet look at you now.” He smiles wryly, and Dean shoots him the finger playfully as he ponders Cas’ comments.

“Maybe,” Dean concedes. “But then the nasty language doesn’t make sense.”

“Some people are deeply closeted, Dean.”

Dean grunts. “Yeah.”

“And it may not be that at all. He could take issue with marriage, or he could truly not care for people who identify as anything other than heterosexual, or he might be upset that you changed, or at least that you’re different than the person he thought he knew. Or he’s just not a kind person.” He wants to say something stronger, but their sons babbling nearby remind him that he needs to watch himself.

“Yeah, you’re right. Guess I’ll never know.”

“Does that bother you?”

Dean puts his dish towel down and winds his arms around Cas’ waist. “Nah. I’m just glad I managed not to become like that, ‘cause it could’ve happened if I’d kept going the way I was, you know? Glad I have you.” He seeks Cas’ mouth and captures it, Cas willingly giving himself over. Relief and joy flood his system. He really gets to have this. Dean is not bitter, angry, or confused. He’s given himself freely and openly to Cas, and Cas will always be grateful for what he has, knowing how easily it could have been very, very different.

“I love you,” Cas whispers on Dean’s lips.

“I love you right back,” he answers.

“Bbbbb-ab!” Jamie chimes in, making the fathers laugh. “I’ll show you how much later,” Dean grins before kissing him and parting to tend to the boys. Cas sighs in contentment and turns back to his task. They don’t talk about Benny again.

Saturday is quiet, mostly spent organizing the house after the addition of Dean’s work materials for the summer. On Sunday morning, a bit tired from the late night activities that he can’t seem to get enough of, Dean rolls out of bed and goes in search of his family. He hears Cas shushing the boys ineffectively, then teasing them about it when they squeal. His heart feels full to bursting as he rounds the corner.

“Happy Father’s Day!” Cas shouts with a huge grin. The boys shriek in delight at seeing their Dee. Dean looks around at the helium-filled balloons tied onto the boys’ chairs and the quiche (or “breakfast pie,” as Dean likes to call it) and mimosas set on the table, then at Cas and the boys.

“This is great! I love it!” Dean exclaims. “And I love you!” he says to Robbie with a kiss. “And I love you!” he says to Jamie, with another kiss. “And I love you,” he purrs quietly, taking Cas’ face in his hands and kissing him soundly. “Thank you.”

Cas sighs in utter contentment. “You’re welcome, hon.”

They eat and chat about their lunch plans. Cas makes sure the boys are fed, then bans Dean from their bedroom after breakfast. “I’ll be out with them in just a minute,” he says. He pulls out the special shirts he had made and dresses them, then carries them downstairs. “Okay, Daddy, here we come!” Cas announces. He walks with them hand-in-hand so they don’t get distracted as they toddle into the dining room. The awestruck look on his face is priceless, and though Cas didn’t think Dean could be any more adorable, he apparently can.

“Oh, you guys! Look at your little shirts!” Dean squeals an octave higher than normal. “Aww! I love them! Come see Daddy! Come see Dee! Come on!”

Twin bundles of joy come walking toward him, their steps still uncertain at times but stronger every day. Dean fusses over the little white t-shirts, which have a picture of Dean and each of their sons on them and say “Daddy’s Little Cowboy.” In the photos, the boys are wearing the cowboy hats he bought for them before they were born. Cas tried to put them on the kids before they came downstairs, but they squirmed and they didn’t walk well with them on, anyway, so he figured it wasn’t worth the fight. Still, he thinks Dean appreciates the effort.

“Cas, these are great,” he says, his eyes glistening just a little.

“Glad you like them, partner,” he jokes. “We have one more thing for you.” He hands him a box he’d hidden in one of the cabinets. When Dean opens it, he laughs in delight.

“That’s so cool!” he declares, opening the personalized books. “Where did you get these?” He flips through _The Adventures of Dee and Jamie_ and _The Adventures of Dee and Robbie_ , which feature their names and pictures throughout.

“Flynn helped me find them and get them made. I hope that’s not weird.”

Dean gives him a small, warm smile. “Nah, I’ve gotten over myself. I got nothing to worry about anyway.”

“No, you don’t,” Cas assures him with a kiss.

“Okay, your turn,” Dean says, sitting him down in the living room. “Close your eyes.” Cas obeys dutifully. He hears shuffling and coaching of their little ones, then Dean says, “Okay, open.” When he does, he’s touched to see their boys each holding a gift — Jamie a card and Robbie a bouquet of flowers.

“Aww, thank you, my babies!” He accepts the flowers (giving one to Robbie because he doesn’t want to let go) and the crumpled card, then gathers them in his arms for loud smooches to their cheeks. He feels his eyes water as he looks at the homemade card with their handprints on it.

“Dean, this is so thoughtful, thank you. I absolutely love it,” Cas gushes, pulling him down for a hug.

“One more thing,” Dean says. He brings out a light, flat package with ties printed on the wrapping paper. A complicated bow that looks like a flower sits on top.

“I like the wrapping.”

“My mom did it,” Dean laughs.

“You got me too much,” Cas pouts.

“Nah.” He sits and waits, jiggling his leg. Cas opens the gift and finds an envelope inside. He opens that and reads it.

“A photography session?”

“Yeah,” Dean breathes. He rubs the back of his neck. “I, uh, was thinkin’, I know you’ve had their photos professionally done a couple of times, and I thought, now that they’re a year almost, that maybe we could do a, um…” He looks up at Cas. “A family portrait? The four of us?”

_A portrait. The four of us. Forever immortalized as a family. Dean’s asking for permanence._ “Yes!” Cas smiles, his soul vibrating with joy. “I would love that!” Dean relaxes visibly and Cas slides onto his lap. “I want that,” Cas reiterates, holding his gaze. Dean’s eyes shine as he takes Cas’ face in his hands. He brings his face to his, not really kissing Cas but just resting against him. He feels the tremors, sees the fluttering of Dean’s now-closed lids, hears him swallow. Cas understands. He feels it, too. He closes his eyes for a moment to savor it. When he opens them again, Dean is still in the moment, but Cas sees something out of the corner of his eye.

“Robbie! No, honey. Look with your eyes, not your hands. Or your mouth,” Cas says as he takes the bouquet away from him. Dean laughs and they separate to continue their day, because even if they feel like reveling in their moment, the boys do not.

Near lunchtime they head to Laurel’s for the annual Father’s Day Chili Cook-Off. He remembers it from last year, when they were fathers-to-be, and he’s still surprised at how all-out they go. It’s a similar kind of celebration on Mother’s Day, though, and given how much Cas’ family likes to get together he really shouldn’t be that surprised. Like last year, Laurel invites Dean’s family to join them, and since they’d become good friends and wanted to see Dean and Cas for their first Father’s Day, they happily agreed. The boys are taken immediately by Bobby, whose beard they can’t resist (and Papa can’t resist their giggles and tiny hands, either). Cas places their entry into the contest on the counter, then they greet everyone and see if Laurel needs any help. She shoos them away and insists that they relax. Like the men did for the moms last month, the women dote on the dads. And like the moms did last month, the dads help anyway. Dean notices that everyone works as a team in Cas’ family. It’s one of the reasons he loves them so much.

“So, first Father’s Day,” Sam says, handing Dean a beer and sitting next to him. “How’s it feel?”

“If you’d told me this would be my life, I never would’ve believed you.” He smiles at his sons, who are playing with Cas, Mike, Alfie, and Ella. “It’s fuckin’ amazing.”

Sam smiles fondly. “Not to get all mushy, but I knew you could do this, Dean. You took such great care of me when Mom had to work, and you looked out for Jo, and you’re great with Ella. You were meant to be a father.” He clinks his bottle to his brother’s.

“Thanks, man. I owe it to him,” he says, pointing his chin to his husband.

“I think he’d agree that you earned this one yourself.”

“Yeah, but if I hadn’t become friends with him I never would’ve even opened myself up to the possibility.”

Sam nudges his arm. “Stupid question, maybe, but things good for you guys?”

Dean looks toward Cas. “Yeah. So good.”

“I should’ve known. That dopey look on your face says it all.”

“Shut up,” Dean laughs, Sam joining him.

When everything is ready they gather in Laurel’s backyard, spreading out on blankets and mismatched lawn chairs and eating chili and five types of salad. Everyone votes on their favorite chili. When everyone’s eaten and the votes are tallied, Laurel calls everyone to attention.

“Alright, so before we get to the chili winner, we have something very special that we haven’t been able to do in a while,” she smiles. Cas can already feel the tears welling in his eyes. His chest is tight, too full from the happiness of the moment. He knows what’s coming. Laurel pulls out a box. “For our newest family members, I’ll explain. My husband Alfred loved three things: chili, ties, and being a father.”

“Four things!” Gabe calls out, pointing to her.

“Being a husband, too, yes,” she says with a fond, faraway look. She breathes deeply and continues, “When the kids were little, the family joke was that all the kids gave me earrings for Mother’s Day and gave him ties for Father’s Day. We were lucky to have several years as parents together before he passed, and we amassed a number of earrings and ties between us. Afterward, though it was painful, I couldn’t bear to get rid of the ties or the earrings, at least not all of them. So I kept a few of my favorites, and when Michael and Hannah had Alfie, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to start a tradition. So for Mike’s first Father’s Day, I gave him one of his father’s ties. I did the same for Gabe. Anna, Hannah, and Kali received three of my most treasured pairs of earrings for their first Mother’s Days. And now,” she says, tears flowing without shame, “I get to give a tie to you, Castiel, my sweetheart. I never had any doubt that you would be a father somehow. And you are an incredible father to your sons. I love you so much, and I know Dad is so proud of you, honey.” She holds her arms out and Cas rushes to her and embraces her, lifting her off the ground and whispering how much he loves her. She takes the Caribbean and navy blue striped tie out of the box and ties it around his neck.

“Speech!” Gabe shouts. “You know the deal!”

Wiping the tears off his cheeks, Cas says, “I have cried entirely too much these last couple of years.” His family laughs and wipes away their own. “This first year has been the most amazing year of my life. I’ve learned so much. I’ve laughed a lot more than I expected. I’ve cried a lot more than you all know.” That earns Cas another laugh. “I’ve loved more deeply than I ever thought I would. I told Dean when they were born that you guys had told me how much you loved your children, how you would do anything. I get it now. And all of this has been so much better with all of you by my side. I know I was stubborn at first…” Sarcastic cries of “No!” and “Not you!” from his siblings ring out in the air. “Yes, ha ha, jerks,” he jokes. “Anyway, I’m so happy that Jamie and Robbie have you as their aunts and uncles and cousins, as their grandparents, and as their Daddy.” He looks at the glistening, golden green eyes of the man he loves so much. “They have the best Daddy I could’ve ever asked for, and I have the best husband ever. I am truly so happy we are on this journey together. I love you so much, Dean.”

“I love you, Cas,” Dean smiles, stepping over to him and pulling him into his arms. As they hug, they hear the strangest sound around them: silence. When they part, Anna sums up the collective thoughts of the smiling, misty-eyed family around them.

“Aww!” she utters sweetly with a hand on her chest.

Everyone starts in then, chattering excitedly about the couple’s first public declaration of love. The kids don’t see what all the fuss is about. Of course they love each other.

Dean starts to sit down, but Cas and Laurel both stop him. And well, Dean thought he’d get through the rest of the day without crying, but he doesn’t.

“I have another tie here,” she says. Dean presses his lips together as she continues, “Dean, honey. Your impulsive act of selflessness helped my baby’s dreams come true. Both of them,” she clarifies. “My grandsons have two of the best fathers they could ever have, two men who love them more than life itself. You are a wonderful father, Dean. And Castiel has a true partner in every sense of the word. He loves you so much, and I know you love him. Even if the two of you hadn’t said it just now, I already knew. I see it.” She thumbs a tear from his cheek. “I love you, Dean, and I know that Alfred would have adored you.” Everyone claps and cheers as Laurel drapes the green and ivory striped tie around his neck and ties it. Dean’s crying in earnest now, touched by the support of the people he loves.

“You have to do a speech, too,” Mike reminds him. At Dean’s hesitance, all of their siblings chant, “Speech, speech, speech!” and he is stuck.

“Okay, okay,” he says, smoothing the tie over his dark blue polo shirt. “Um, I’ll tell you what I told Naomi at our interview. I never planned to be a father. Never thought I’d be good enough, didn’t want to screw a kid up. I didn’t have a great example, either. Not in my biological father, anyway. But blood doesn’t mean sh-... uh, family’s not just about blood. It’s about love. I have such great examples in Bobby, and Sam, and in Mike and Gabe, and my buddies Cesar and Jesse, and of course in Cas. Cas is the best father ever, just like I knew he’d be,” he grins a watery smile at his husband, “and without him, I’d be a very different person. I wouldn’t have the happiness I have now, wearing this tie, surrounded by family, our kids playing without a care ‘cause they know they’re so loved. I wouldn’t know the pure terror and joy of loving someone so much you’d give anything for them. I wouldn’t feel like I feel now — like I’m finally complete. Um, I told Naomi that night that I saw Cas and I as a great team. I didn’t know how true that would turn out to be. He’s everything I never knew I needed. And I’m looking forward to the day when the boys are grown up and we can give these ties to them, and we can tell them all about how we fell in love, and how much we loved raising them. Shoot,” he sniffles, stopping to wipe his face again. “Okay, that’s it.” Their family laughs and applauds him as he embraces his husband.

Gabe is declared the winner of the Chili Cook-Off, everyone agrees that Bobby’s cornbread was the perfect paring and insists that he bring it again next year, many photos are taken, and the boys get cranky from missing their naps. Cas and Dean leave the party with two screaming, exhausted kids who fall asleep in the car within minutes. They wake up as soon as they get home, and despite Dean and Cas’ best efforts, they do not go back to sleep. The boys remain irritable the rest of the evening.

“Well, Happy Father’s Day to us,” Cas mutters to Dean as they wrangle the fussy kids into their pajamas. Dean laughs, knowing they agree that even when it’s not easy, it’s still worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anna is all of us. :D
> 
> Thoughts about Benny? What do you think his attitude was about?
> 
> Next time: The boys turn 1!


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I needed this sweet family fluffiness. It’s been a heck of a several days. Bleh. Sorry, complaining over. ;)
> 
> Bonus points if you can guess which part of this chapter made me tear up.

Cas wakes up on Wednesday, June 29 with a realization. He props himself on one elbow and kisses his husband until he wakes.

“Our babies are a year old today,” he murmurs in the quiet.

“Happy Dadiversary,” Dean smiles.

“Happy Dadiversary.” Cas cards his fingers through Dean’s hair. “We made it through the first year.”

“Hard to believe.”

“It is. It seemed to go so slowly some days, and then poof — a year has gone by.”

“Yeah. It was hard sometimes, man, but I loved it.”

“Toughest job you’ll ever love. Just like the Peace Corps slogan.”

“Damn right. So, how do you want to celebrate?”

“I figured maybe we’d keep it quiet for today. Maybe go to the Reserve or the park. Or we could do the zoo if they seem up to it.”

“Sounds good. But that’s not what I meant. I meant how do _you_ want to celebrate? As in you and me. Our Dadiversary.”

“Oh. I don’t know. How do you want to celebrate?”

Dean mirrors Cas, sitting up on one elbow. “Well, one time this really hot guy told me about a great way to celebrate things,” Dean smirks with a wiggle of his brows.

“Oh yeah? Cas smirks in response. “Huh. You know, I remember telling someone once about a great way to celebrate things. But he laughed at me, so…”

“Oh, come on!”

“Totally made fun of me…”

“I’m sorry!”

“Basically told me I should be ashamed of myself for even having such thoughts…”

“No, you shouldn’t! It’s the most brilliant way to celebrate things. You are the smartest person ever for thinking of it. He was an idiot.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please?”

Cas arches a brow. “Please what?”

Dean hoods his eyes and hovers his nose over Cas’. “Please let me blow you?”

“Well, it sounds nice,” Cas admits as he tucks a lock of hair into Dean’s soft bedhead. “But I was told it wasn’t the customary way one celebrates things.”

“Since when have we done things the customary way?”

“True. But I’m not sure I’m really convinced.”

Dean slowly traces Cas’ lips with his tongue. “I want you so bad.” Cas’ eyes droop closed. Dean moves his mouth to Cas’ neck. “Want to take care of you.” Cas hums. Dean smiles against his skin and runs his teeth gently over his nipples. “Need you, babe.” He hovers at Cas’ waistband and rests his head on his hip. “Please.”

Cas can’t resist his handsome husband, especially when he wants to take care of him (and he takes such, such good care). “You’ve convinced me,” he sighs.

Dean wastes no time. He throws the boxers aside and leaves Cas’ toned body bared for their mutual pleasure. Dean takes a moment to drink in Cas’ tanned skin in the early light. He breathes deeply and says, “God, you’re gorgeous.” Cas blinks his eyes open and his lips spread slowly in a warm, lazy smile. Dean is struck suddenly by how much he loves him. He knew, of course, but the flood of feelings out of nowhere catches him by surprise. He stares at him for a while, not quite knowing what to do with it all. Cas looks at him serenely, completely relaxed and trusting. He remembers what Cas said about how making love is an attitude, and he breathes slowly as he presses his lips softly against Cas’, taking his time, absorbing himself only in pleasuring his husband’s mouth. He feels Cas sigh and sink under him, and they both moan deeply. They spend quite a bit of time this way, soaking each other in. Each time they separate for air, Dean gazes into his husband's eyes, never breaking contact completely.

“Dean,” Cas whispers, tracing Dean’s stubble with the tip of his finger. “I love you.”

Dean smiles and kisses his finger when it reaches his lips. “I love you, sunshine.” He slinks down his lover’s body and swallows him down. Cas’ hands immediately grip his hair as he gasps. Dean hums his approval and lavishes his cock with the same attention as he did his mouth. Given Cas’ little whines and clenching fingers, he’s enjoying it. After just a couple of minutes, Cas is tugging at Dean’s hair in warning. Dean pushes himself further onto his cock and moans, loud and long, until the vibrations from his throat send Cas over the edge.

“God, Dean,” Cas groans breathlessly afterward. “I just… need a minute.” He lies still and boneless underneath him.

Dean gets an idea. “No need to move, babe.” He drags him down a bit, then tucks a pillow under his head and sits over his face, stroking it from his temple to his lips.  

Cas opens his eyes to see Dean hovering above him, a nervous hopefulness under his bold demeanor. He eyes the cock sitting in his face, then glances up at Dean and smiles wickedly. “You are too good to me,” he rumbles, then takes him in his mouth. He hums in pleasure, enjoying the feel of Dean’s heavy cock on his tongue. He digs his hands into Dean’s hips and encourages him to thrust into his mouth. Dean braces himself on the headboard and pumps his hips forward. Cas adjusts himself for the best angle and squeezes handfuls of his ass. He relaxes his jaw further so that Dean can thrust deeper. Dean rewards him with a grateful moan. Cas feels Dean’s orgasm approaching, and he sucks hard just before Dean spills into his mouth with a cry. After a minute of heavy breathing, Dean rolls off his shaking legs and onto his back.

“Fuck,” Dean pants. He reaches out for Cas’ hand and holds it.

“Maybe later. I think the kids will be up soon. Plus, I’m not 20 anymore,” Cas jokes. Dean snorts before rolling over and kissing him gently.

“Actually, that reminds me. I have a couple of gifts for you.”

“Oh? And how did talking about sex remind you that you have gifts for me?”

Cas watches as Dean’s cheeks turn a rosy pink. “Um, well, first things first.” He flops over the side of the bed and returns with a package. “I mean, I guess technically it’s a gift for you and for the kids. I don’t know. I’ll explain. Just open it.”

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Cas comments as he unwraps a large, flat, heavy box. He unravels layers of tissue paper and bubble wrap until he finds the object hidden inside. Seeing some sort of writing, Cas grabs his glasses off the bedside table and puts them on so he can read it. Dean watches him anxiously, holding his breath. When he finishes taking it in, he looks up. “Oh, Dean,” he whispers.

“You like it?”

“I love it,” he says, his eyes dropping back to the object. It’s a handmade stone frame, made to look like a moongate. In the middle sits a photo of Dean and Castiel, taken on Father’s Day, touching foreheads and grasping each other’s ties. All that would be overwhelming enough, but what touches Cas the most is the inscription: _The best gift a man can give his children is to love their father._ Cas traces the words with his finger. Love carved in stone. Permanence.

“That’s the kids’ gift,” Dean explains. “My love for you.”

“Dean.” Cas looks up. Dean can hardly look back, too overcome by the warmth in his husband’s eyes directed his way.

“This is how I was gonna tell you,” Dean explains. “I saw that phrase, or some variation of it, on someone’s Facebook wall, and it just hit me, you know? I changed it a little to fit our situation. I was gonna give this to you today to tell you I’m in love with you, but, well, I suffered from premature love admission.” Cas grins softly at Dean and caresses his chin. “Anyway, I asked Balth if he could make me a frame, something that would remind us of _us_ , even when we’re busy being parents, you know? I told him I thought about the moongate thing and asked if he could do that. And well, here it is. Of course, it would’ve been more special if I hadn’t already blurted it out like an idiot.”

Cas scowls at his husband for putting himself down, though there’s affection underneath. “It’s perfect, Dean.” He holds it against his chest and seeks Dean’s mouth, which he provides happily.

“Got one other thing for you.” Dean says when they part. He licks his lips. Once this is out of his mouth, he can’t go back. But he doesn’t want to go back, either. He loves Cas. _Loves_ him. He’d do anything for him. He wants to give him everything. He wants to experience everything. With him. “I’m ready. I want you to make love to me.” He trails his fingers through Cas’ thick sex hair. “I wanna feel you inside of me.”

“Dean,” Cas says on an exhale. He kisses him hard — no arguing, no making sure he’s sure, just love and desire and confidence that they want the same thing. Dean feels like he could fly. “Your timing is impeccable,” he smiles with a glint of mischief.

“Why?”

“I have a gift for you, too,” he says, handing him an envelope. He opens it and reads:

_We’ve spent a year raising two beautiful boys together, and they are thriving because we did it with love. I’d like to celebrate our first Dadiversary by spending the night with you at the Cape on July 4. Plan for lots of fireworks. XOXOXO_

“You wanna go away together? Just us?”

“Yes. Just overnight. I think the kids can handle it. They’re used to having Hannah around. Hannah, Mike, and the kids will stay at our place for the night so the boys aren’t so disrupted in their routine.”

Dean is touched that Cas wants this. But he has to tease him a little. “Sure, they can handle it, but can you, Dad?”

“Time will tell,” he laughs. “I’m hoping to be too distracted to worry much.” Dean laughs and promises to be very, very distracting.

The birthday boys are in happy moods, so they pack a lunch and head to the zoo. It’s busier than they expected, but there’s still plenty of space to get around and see all the animals. Robbie’s favorite is the zebra, while Jamie is fascinated by the giraffe. They both love the playground. Dean and Cas help them navigate the slides. Dean decides his summer project will be building a playground in the backyard.

That evening, the men give them an early supper, then strip them to their diapers, drape the floor with a play mat, and let them eat pie for the first time. Cas was concerned about their ability to chew something with a crust, so he made tiny, crustless apple pies in ramekins. Robbie dives in like a pro, though he wears more than he eats. Jamie pokes at it, then opens and closes his hand as if he’s waving to himself. When he finally manages to get a taste, he seems to enjoy it. Dean is so proud. “Those are definitely my boys,” he crows. He’s thrilled when Cas gives him three of his own pies to eat.  Cas gets several pictures of Dean and their sons enjoying his favorite treat. His phone rings as he’s getting a picture of Jamie trying to feed Robbie.

“It’s Claire,” Cas says to Dean. He answers the FaceTime call. “Claire!”

“Hey!” she says, smiling. “Just wanted to call and wish the boys a happy birthday!”

“Of course! Hang on just a minute.” He sits on the sheet with Dean and the boys. “Say hi!”

“Hi! Happy birthday! Oh, you guys are messy!” The boys smile and bat at Cas’ phone with sticky hands, leaving smears of apple on the screen.

“Birthday pie,” Dean grins.

“I should have known,” Claire smirks. “So hey, it’s late here and I can’t talk long, but I just wanted to see how they’re doing. Tell me what’s new.” The men give her the update on their latest achievements and activities. In turn, she tells them about Barcelona and how much she’s looking forward to starting her classes. They tell her how jealous they are of her opportunity to live abroad and how proud they are of her. Claire nods and grows quieter. “Well, I’d better run. It’s late,” she says finally.

“Alright. But before you go, Claire, I just want you to know…”

“I know, Cas,” she says, wiping her eyes and smiling tightly, but he persists.

“...that we love you.”

Claire sniffles and straightens her shoulders as she breathes deeply. “Thank you, Cas. Love you weirdos. Give the boys hugs and kisses from me.”

“We will,” Dean says with soft eyes.

“We’re glad you called,” Cas says.

Claire nods. “Me too,” she says. “Night.”

The men are silent for a moment while the kids eat the pie remnants off their hands.

“It’s nearly midnight in Barcelona,” Cas comments. Dean understands.

“She almost didn’t call on their birthday. But she did. She’s so frickin’ brave. I… I just can’t imagine, Cas.”

Cas takes Dean’s hand. “I know.” He sighs. “We should probably get them cleaned up.”

Dean looks at Robbie, who’s happily waving his arms around and gurgling. “He’s got it all in his hair,” he laughs.

“How much you wanna bet we find some in their diapers, too?”

“No question,” he says with a shake of his head. “Alright, you two, come with Dad and Dee. It’s bath time.”

After an extra-snuggly bedtime routine, Cas sits on the deck quietly and lets his mind wander. A year. He’s been a dad for a year. There were so many times he sat in this same sort of quiet, wondering if it would ever happen, and despite his desire to be optimistic he usually came up with the same answer — no. First there was the whole gay thing. Then there were several years of school. Then there were relationships that didn’t work out. Would any of his past partners have been the kind of father he wanted for his sons? No, he doesn’t think so. Then there was sterility. Then there was rejection, prejudice, homophobia. Closed doors.

But then there was Dean, and maybe that’s why he had to wait so long.

He smiles at the stars just starting to freckle the sky, much like the freckles that are blooming on his husband’s face with the summer sun. People invest a lot of belief in the magical powers of the cosmos. Even Dean does, with his cosmic brownie points. Cas doesn’t know whether they hold the ability to steer the lives of the humans on one little planet toward their ultimate greatness, but it’s a romantic thought, and Cas does enjoy romance. He feels the hands of the man he loves on his shoulders. “Do you believe we were meant to be, Dean? Our family? Us?”

“Absolutely.”

“Written in the cosmos?”

Dean rounds the corner of the loveseat and straddles Cas’ lap. “Written here…” he points to Cas’ head, “...here…” he kisses Cas’ lips, “...and here…” he presses his hand to Cas’ heart and looks up at the sky, “...and maybe there. Who knows?” He leans into Cas and kisses him softly, and Cas forgets his philosophical turn in favor of the very practical, very wonderful ideas Dean is giving him.

On Saturday, their house is abuzz with activity. Sam, Eileen, Mary, and Laurel come over early, Sam and Eileen to help with decorating and food prep and the grandmothers to keep the little ones occupied.

“I hate streamers, have I ever told you that?” Dean gripes to Sam, standing across from him. “They always droop. They don’t stay twisty.” Sam rolls his eyes and fixes Dean’s work.

“Will this be enough fruit dip, do you think?” Cas asks Eileen, signing as much as he can. He’s been working on learning enough to have a conversation, and with all of the instruction from Eileen, Sam, and Dean, plus Eileen’s endless patience, he’s doing pretty well. “Or should I make more?” He has two empty jars of marshmallow fluff and two crumpled cream cheese wrappers next to him.

“It’s enough,” she signs. Cas watches her and nods, then covers it and jams it in the refrigerator. It’s a tight fit.

Eileen gently helps Cas through his party panic, and Sam not-so-gently helps Dean through his party panic, and soon the house is ready and guests are arriving. Even though it’s just their family and some close friends, they want everything to be perfect for their little guys.

Shouts of “There are the birthday boys!” and “So big!” accompany hugs and kisses for the twins. They’re a bit overwhelmed, and they wriggle to escape the arms of anyone who tries to hold them. They follow their oldest cousin Alfie, who’s calmer than the other cousins and tries to look disinterested in them. By the little smile on his face, though, he’s happy he’s the one they want. Soon he’s helpfully instructing his younger cousins to “calm down” and “stop getting in their faces” as only a young teenager can.

Much to the relief of the dads, the party goes smoothly and everyone has a great time, including the guests of honor. The first taste of cake is a messy affair, and the dads end up with vanilla frosting on their faces since the boys insist on feeding them cake, too. The number of gifts is “ridiculous,” in Cas’ words, though he can’t help but smile at the boys’ glee at seeing their Dee unwrap each new item (since they really don’t understand the concept of unwrapping all that well). The biggest hit of the party is Gabe and Kali’s gift: huge, empty boxes that once contained a fridge and an oven. All the young party guests are fascinated and wait patiently as Gabe and Cas cut doors and windows out of them. Dean mentally adds “playhouse” to his project list.

When the babies are napping and most of the guests have left, Michael hands Dean a beer and pulls him aside. They park themselves in a couple of folding chairs under one of the trees to enjoy the shade.

“Cas tells me you want to put in a slide and a couple of swings?”

“Something like that. Maybe a climbing wall thing, monkey bars. Haven’t got it all figured out yet.”

“Don’t make the same mistake I made. Get something that can grow with them. I had to assemble two of the damn things.” The brothers-in-law laugh, Dean having enough experience assembling various baby doodads that he knows what Michael means.

“I’m thinking of doing a playhouse, too. The kids seem to love the cardboard one.”

“Keep it simple. They’ll be happy with it. You might be able to do a treehouse later.” He looks up at the tree branches above them.

“That’s a great idea.” He glances up, then at the ground. “Although I was thinking of putting a shade garden over here for Cas. I did up the veggie garden over there. He’s already using the chives. Did you know he makes these awesome homemade sour cream and chive potato chips? So good. Anyway, we got so busy with the kids that I didn’t get to do the flower beds for him like I wanted to, so in the fall I’ll plant bulbs and then fill it in next spring with whatever shit he wants.” He pauses when he notices Michael’s soft smile. “What?”

“Dean, I want to tell you I’m sorry.” At Dean’s confused expression, he continues, “When you volunteered to do this, well, you knew my reservations. You knew how unhappy I was, and it sort of made me cynical and judgmental. But then you told Claire the truth, and I got healthier, and I was able to wrap my head around your reasoning a little bit. And then I saw my brother fall in love with you, and I had a whole new set of reservations. I was scared for him. I didn’t want him to get hurt, especially after all he’d been through. Hannah told me to have faith, but it was hard. The day of the divorce came, and even after our talk I thought for sure that when that door opened, it was Cas I’d see crying. When I saw you, I… well, I wasn’t sure what to think, but I felt that faith grow a little. And when Cas came home, and the two of you worked it out….” Mike pauses and takes a deep breath. “You walked out that door with my brother for your date, smiling like you’d just won the lottery, and I thought maybe this just might work out. Because I saw the same thing in you that I saw when I looked at him. And today you’re talking about making my brother a damn flower garden.” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry I didn’t have faith before, but I have faith now.”

Dean lets his words sink in for a moment before saying, “Faith doesn’t have to be blind, man. You didn’t want Cas hurt, and I hadn’t proven myself yet. I don’t blame you for being protective of your brother. I get it.”

“May I ask you something? Just for my own peace of mind.”

“Sure.”

“I know you are legally married, but do you want to be married to him?”

“Of course I…”

“I mean, if you weren’t already. Would you want to be?”

Dean thinks. He loves Cas, but if they were dating, would he be at a point where he’d want to marry Cas? They’d only been a true couple for just over two months. Would it be too soon, in Dean’s eyes? Then he realizes his train of thought is ridiculous. They’ve been through too much, know each other too well, loved each other for too long (if he’s honest). He really can’t imagine his life without him, and he doesn’t want to.

“Absolutely. I love him, Mike. I want to be married to him the rest of my life.”

Mike smiles warmly. “I’m glad you’re part of the family, Dean.” He raises his bottle in a salute and Dean copies the movement with his own before they sit quietly, both content to drink, sit in the shade, and just be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost at the end, you guys. :( Two more chapters. I can’t believe it’s almost done (for now)!
> 
> Also, I think you know what’s happening next time. ;)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What they’ve been waiting for (and us, too). ;)

_“_ So I made a list of what to do if they get cranky. And here’s another one of things you can do if they’re too jazzed to get to sleep. And this one here is our usual routine. And here’s…”

“I thought Cas was going to be the nervous one,” Hannah teases Dean. “We’re going to be fine.”

“Where’s the box of lollipops I brought?” Mike asks his wife. Dean squints at him and is about to tell him about choking hazards and too much sugar when he catches the hint of a smile. His poker face is almost as good as Cas’, but not quite.

“I’d expect that from Gabe, not you.”

Mike grins. “They’ll be fine. Enjoy yourselves.”

“Call us…”

“Yes, we’ll call if something comes up, but really, they’ll be fine.”

“If you can’t reach…”

“Dean, you’re going to the Cape, not to the Amazon. I’m pretty sure the cell reception will be adequate. Now go have a good time.”

“Let’s go, hon,” Cas says, emerging from the garage, where he’d been packing the car.

“Alright. Just gotta say bye to the boys.”

They meet their sons in the living room, where Alfie and Lily are stacking blocks for them. The fathers speak to them softly and give them several hugs and kisses before letting them back down to play. As they turn away, Jamie starts to cry. Dean turns right back and sweeps him into his arms. His husband looks so heartbroken that Cas feels terrible. “Dean, if you don’t want to go, we don’t have to.”

Dean, who’s stroking Jamie’s hair, was just thinking the same thing. They’re so young, and Jamie’s been a Daddy’s boy lately… but when he looks up he sees his husband, kind and understanding and a little disappointed. “No, he’ll be okay,” he says. He hands Jamie over to Hannah and they make a quick exit. It takes a few minutes, but when he has a little distance and some time to think rationally, he knows they’ll be fine. And when Cas takes his hand from the passenger seat of the Impala, he knows he and Cas will be fine, too.

The ride to Provincetown is slow, thanks to holiday traffic, but Cas doesn’t mind because he’s with Dean, who looks gorgeous in his dark sunglasses and crisp blue-and-white checked shirt from Cas’ side of the closet. He peeks at him several times as they drive. Dean sings along to the Steve Miller Band, grooving his head and shoulders to the beat. The fizzy-dizzy high of love makes him grin stupidly at the handsome man in the driver’s seat.

“What?”

“Nothing. I’m just happy. And I love you.”

Dean’s grin mirrors his. He squeezes his hand and thumbs at Cas’ plain gold band, chosen because they had their sizes in stock. He swallows hard. Cas deserves more than just a plain gold band they picked carelessly. He deserves a lot more than what Dean’s been able to give him so far in their marriage. When they stop in traffic, Dean tugs at his hand and Cas leans over for a kiss. “I love you, Cas,” he says, willing away his insecurities because Cas came back and he stayed, and Dean’s going to spend his life giving Cas what he deserves.

They finally make it to P-town, and Dean glances around at the downtown area with its rainbow flags. “Dude, they’ve got Pride with a capital P,” he comments.

“It’s pretty LGBT-friendly,” Cas agrees.

“Is that why we came here?”

“No. We came here because this is where Balthazar’s family’s summer house is. That’s where we’re staying for the night.”

Dean nods approvingly. He sees several couples walking around the area, in both mixed and same-sex pairings. It’s nice. He chuckles to himself as he thinks about how this would freak his father and his “conservative” neighbors out. He wonders how his father is doing.

“Are you alright?”

Dean smiles and takes his husband’s hand. “Yeah. Let’s get some lunch.”

They stroll to Fanizzi’s, where they’re lucky enough to get a water view after waiting for a bit. They both get the fish and chips and a local brew.

“Weird not to be bending over picking up toys and food thrown on the floor, isn’t it?” Dean asks.

“Very,” Cas agrees with a small smile. He tucks his hand under his chin. “Let’s head to the house after this. Okay with you?”

The heat of Cas’ stare has Dean enthusiastically saying “Hell yeah,” and the slow stretch of Cas’ lips in response makes him eat faster.

They make a quick stop for some supper items for later. Dean offers to take him out to somewhere nice, but Cas declines.

“I’d like to, babe. You deserve it,” he argues.

“I know you’d like to, and if we had more time here I’d definitely say yes. But what I’d like is to have you all to myself, for as long as I can.”

Dean can’t disagree with that.

The house is adorable, a three-bedroom with expansive views of the bay. The kitchen has been remodeled, and the living room sports cozy couches and a foosball table. They put the groceries away, slip off their shoes, and stand in the living room, looking at the blues of the bay and the sky that meets it.

“Perfect,” Cas murmurs, taking Dean’s hand and watching the sun reflect off the water.

“Yeah. Perfect,” he replies, watching Cas. He brings a hand to his face and turns him. Cas’ belly swoops as Dean captures his eyes, then his mouth. Frantically they move, stripping each other as they go. When they find their bedroom, Dean presses Cas into the mattress and swallows him down, loving that he’s the only one who will make Cas sound like this for the rest of his life. He hopes. He pushes the thought aside as he refocuses on his task.

Dean is doing a _fantastic_ job, and Cas can’t take it anymore. The anticipation of this day has driven him to the edge already. But he doesn’t want to topple over all by himself. He shuffles back, falling out of Dean’s mouth. Dean looks up and frowns, but understands when Cas flips over and positions himself opposite him. Now they both have a task, and it’s over for them very quickly.

“Mmm, quick and dirty,” Dean murmurs in his orgasmic haze.

Cas chuckles. “There’s a time for slow and tender. That was not the time.” Dean’s responding laugh is weak and breathy. “Later, though. Later.”

“Later,” Dean agrees.

They take a nap, letting the ocean breeze cool their naked bodies. When Dean wakes, he’s alone. He looks at the time, then throws his shorts and shirt on and looks for Cas. A brief search finds him on the hammock on the closed-in porch… still completely nude.

“Dude.”

“No one can see us from here. It’s very freeing. Try it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Reasonably.”

“For a guy who doesn’t like to be embarrassed in public, you’re being awfully cavalier.”

“The odds are in my favor. Besides, if you’re naked, too, everyone will be distracted by you.”

“Well, aren’t you a charming one,” Dean grins. He slides the shirt off his shoulders, then hooks his thumbs in his waistband and pushes his shorts off. Feeling the breeze, he nods in approval. “You’re right. Very freeing.”

“Told you. Now come here.”

Dean slinks into Cas’ open arms and settles into his side. “Feels weird being naked on someone else’s stuff.”

“Balth has probably been naked on this many times.”

“Eww.”

“Thus the blanket under us. We can toss it in the wash later.”

“You’re kinda smart, Milton.”

Cas kisses his temple. “You’re kinda smart, too, Winchester. Sex and a nap were brilliant ideas.”

Dean hums and nuzzles Cas’ neck for a while. He feels both of them starting to respond quite agreeably, but remembers why he’d thrown clothes on in the first place. “I gotta start dinner.”

“I can…”

“No, you stay here and relax. I’ll make dinner.” He plants one last kiss on Cas’ nose before rolling off the hammock gracelessly.

Dinner is light, a couple of bourbon-marinated salmon pieces and Caesar salads. Dean doesn't want to make them too full for later. He pours a white Pinot Noir for each of them before calling Cas inside. Cas, sadly, puts some clothes on before coming to the table. He laughs at Dean’s pout. After dinner, they each have another glass of wine along with a three-berry parfait that tastes especially good when licked off Cas’ lips.

“Remember last July 4th?” Dean asks Cas a while later after a shower and a third glass of wine as they swing lazily on the hammock.

“Yes. Barely. I was so sleep-deprived,” Cas laughs. “I do remember we dressed them in patriotic colors. And then you said they looked like Willie Nelson.”

“They did! Their little hats looked like bandanas, and they had the white onesies with the flags on ‘em, and they were all red-faced and wrinkled!”

“He’s wrinkled from age and hard living and red-faced from broken capillaries and overuse of substances. Not a flattering comparison.”

“Hey, don’t knock on Willie, man, that’s just un-American.” They both snicker and settle further into each other’s presence. “What a difference a year makes, though, huh?”

“Mmm. Hopefully this July fourth we’ll be sleep-deprived for a whole other reason.” He smiles against Dean’s neck as Dean chuckles.

“It’s been a hell of a year. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, though. Well, maybe the almost-divorce part. That sucked.”

“It’s behind us now, and it only made us stronger.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right. Still sucked, though.”

“Yeah. It did.” Remembering exactly how much it sucked, Cas nuzzles Dean’s cheek, seeking comfort. Dean holds him closer, seeking the same.

Dean traces the stubble on Cas’ jaw. “Know what I want to do?”

“What?”

He wiggles his brows.

“You’re insatiable,” Cas laughs. He pushes on the side of the house until the hammock is swaying again, then tangles their limbs together. They make out, the tastes of wine and custard lingering on their tongues. It’s hot and heady and lazy, and Castiel would be content to stay right here and make love with only wandering hands and gasping, gaping mouths.

“Take me to bed, Cas,” Dean murmurs against his neck. He kisses his way across his jaw to his mouth.

“Okay,” Cas responds in a whisper. They sit up and step out of the hammock, both nearly toppling out as they each shift their body weight, and Cas leads Dean by the hand.

In the bedroom, Cas strips Dean of his shirt and shorts, then lays him down and presses his love all over his body. He relishes the sounds of Dean’s sighs and moans. When Dean whines and bucks his hips involuntarily, Cas knows he needs more. He spreads his legs and readies himself to encase his lover with his mouth, but remembers something — Dean’s gift to him. Changing course, he nudges Dean to roll over, placing pillows under him. Now prone on his belly, Cas rubs his back, shoulders, buttocks, and thighs for several minutes and feels his husband relax even as he thrusts languidly into the pillow under him, just enough to either relieve or perhaps stoke himself a bit. Cas decides he’s relaxed enough. He prompts Dean to lift his hips and, before Dean can move further, licks a stripe from scrotum to cleft, making Dean buck forward almost comically. “Are you alright?” he asks, concerned yet trying to keep the humor out of his voice.  

“Fuck,” comes the muffled reply.

“Want me to do that again or no?”

There’s a pause before his head and shoulders move. Cas can’t tell what he’s saying.

“You don’t have to be shy with me, hon. If you like it, that’s okay. In fact, I hope you do. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think you’d like it.” He caresses small circles on Dean’s buttocks. “But if you don’t like it, I won’t do it.”

“You’re not grossed out?” Dean asks, still not looking at him. Cas understands. It’s not one of those things that people admit to liking very easily.

“Hell no,” Cas says. He traces a finger down the cleft of his ass. “I love it. But if you don’t, all you have to do is say so. And if you do,” he leans forward and whispers in his ear, “all you have to do is say so. What do you say?”

Dean nods emphatically. It’s all the answer Cas needs, and he dives back in with gusto. Dean becomes a writhing mess within minutes as Cas sucks and licks and adds his fingers to the mix. Dean jerks up suddenly when he finds his prostate, making Cas’ nose sting a bit. He tries not to chuckle at Dean’s obvious enthusiasm. He loves this man so much, this man who has bared himself to him in every way, who has trusted him with every piece of him, something he knows he hasn’t done for anyone else. He crawls up Dean’s body, sprinkling kisses along the way as if marking a path for later, and rests his lips on his temple. “I love you, Dean,” he says into his sweat-soaked hair.

The familiar prickle in his nose and throat startles Dean. He knows Cas loves him. He hears it every day. So why is he so emotional about this fact now? His conversation with Cas’ brother sneaks into his mind. He turns and lies on his back. “Wanna feel you now,” he tells Cas. He _needs_ to feel him, _needs_ the physical reassurance that this thing between them is real and solid and true and forever.

“Okay,” Cas answers with a soft smile. He trails his fingertips along Dean’s face before applying lube to his already-damp hand. “Two fingers,” he says, knowing that Dean is loose enough. Dean nods and plunges into Cas’ mouth, both for the comfort and to get himself over the fact of where Cas’ mouth had just been. Dean moans as Cas works him open. “Three fingers,” he warns as he adds another. He feels the stretch, but now that he’s over the strangeness of it, the sensation feels good. It feels especially good when Cas strokes across his prostate, making him moan into Cas’ mouth. “Four fingers,” Cas says eventually, then kisses him hard, taking Dean’s breath away. Soon Cas removes his fingers and gazes at his husband as he braces himself around Dean on his elbows. “Ready?”

“Ready,” Dean smiles, small and nervous but very certain that he is ready for everything with the man he loves. But is Cas? What if this is it? What if it ruins things, what if he’s not good enough, what if Cas doesn’t want forever, what if… Cas’ eyes look as if they’re lit from within as he cradles Dean in one arm and guides his cock to Dean’s entrance, and Dean stops panicking. Instead he says, “I love you, Cas.”

“And I love you, Dean,” he smiles, then darts his tongue into Dean’s mouth and pushes inside Dean in a way no one else ever will.

Cas watches as Dean gasps and pulls back from their kiss. His head is tipped up, exposing the long column of his neck that’s now curved like a bridge over a stream, and he’s breathing shallowly through his mouth. Cas gives him time to adjust. “You’re doing great, Dean,” he assures the man. “Relax, honey. Look at me.” He obeys and Cas continues, “I love you so much, hon. Want you so much. I would’ve waited forever, you know. But feeling you around me… I can’t describe it. Thank you. I love you.” Dean opens his mouth to respond, and it’s the last thing Cas expects him to say.

“Would you marry me, Cas?”

Dean watches as Cas’ face shifts from pure adoration and gratitude to adorable confusion. “What? Dean, we are…”

“I mean, if we weren’t. If we hadn’t gotten married to adopt the kids or even if we didn’t have the kids, would you choose me? To marry me?” He keeps his eyes trained on Cas and waits.

Cas’ eyes glimmer with tears. He feels horrible that Dean still doesn’t know how much he wants him in his life, always. He cradles Dean’s face in his hands. “Yes. Yes, I would marry you. I would wear an ugly shirt and ridiculous eyebrows and even the stupid pointy ears to marry you. I would stand naked covered in bees to marry you. I would confess my most embarrassing moment over a loudspeaker in front of thousands of people to marry you. I would go through this entire journey again to marry you. I will choose you every day for the rest of my life. I’m so sorry I wasn’t clear enough for you to know that without a doubt.”

Dean blinks away tears of his own. “It’s not that, I just… I needed to make sure. It’s the same for me, babe. There’s nothing I want more than to be married to you for the rest of our lives.” He pulls Cas close and kisses him, gently tilting his hips up at the same time to tell Cas he’s ready. Hot breath and tears fall on Dean’s face as Cas holds him close. Dean feels so full, physically and emotionally, and he’s in danger of being split apart. He joins the rhythm Cas sets, rolling his hips in time with Cas’, the burn yielding to bliss. In just a few minutes Dean breaks, his chest cracked open from the happiness that can no longer be caged within him, and he comes hard as his husband fills him full yet again.

The comedown is harder than Dean expects, and he only realizes he’s shaking when Cas eases out of him and holds him tightly, wrapping his limbs around him. “Fuck,” he mewls as Cas strokes his hair.

“I know, honey. I know.” And he does. He’s never felt closer to his husband.

They lie there a while, simply breathing. Cas feels Dean’s weight grow heavier and his breaths grow deeper. He looks at the clock. 8:30. He chuckles quietly, then rolls off the bed and finds a washcloth. He cleans his husband gently, then himself, and tucks himself back into his husband’s side. Dean snuggles unconsciously into his arms, and Cas drifts into sleep with his dream-come-true beside him.

Cas wakes before Dean, feeling fully awake despite the darkness that still enshrouds the room. He rolls the stiffness out of his shoulders and back. A quick glance at the clock shows him that the sun will be rising soon. They slept through the night. Not even the local fireworks woke them. _So much for being sleep-deprived from romancing each other all night_ , he thinks with a resigned half-smile. He reflects on their evening. He’d had so much planned, so many things he’d wanted to do for Dean to make his first time absolutely perfect. He didn’t get to do most of them, but it was perfect anyway. Since he didn’t get to romance him the way he wanted to last night, he sits up quietly and scoots out of bed. There’s still this morning, after all, and he has an idea.

Dean feels around the bed for Cas, but he isn’t there. Puzzled, Dean sits up. It’s barely light out. He frowns and slips on lounge pants and his t-shirt from last night. “Cas?” he calls. “Cas?”

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says when Dean finds him in the kitchen. He’s dressed in tan shorts, a white t-shirt, and his blue-and-white checked shirt that Dean wore yesterday. “Come with me.” He takes his hand and leads him outside, where he set up a blanket and the wine from last night. He pours them each a glass. “It’s five o’clock somewhere,” he jokes. They clink glasses and take sips before placing them back on the tray. Dawn is streaking over the bay as Cas turns to Dean. He wears a sweet yet serious expression as he takes Dean’s hand and slides his wedding band off. He notices that Cas isn’t wearing his either and panics for a moment before he sees a familiar piece of paper tucked under the tray.

“Cas…”

“I love you. I want you and I choose you, Dean. Every day.” He unfolds the paper and places it under his knee to hold it down. He looks briefly at it, but he doesn’t really have to anymore. “I promise you that I will treasure you, that I will forever show you honor, respect, and gratitude. I promise that I will help you be the best person you can be. I promise to support you and I will allow you to support me. I promise to be open to you, to share myself with you heart and soul, to share my sorrow as well as my joy so that we may carry both together.” He slides the ring back on Dean’s finger and adds, “I promise you I will love you the rest of our lives. I choose you as my husband, and I choose to be yours.”

“Aw, fuck, Cas,” Dean cries as he wipes his face. Cas hands him his wedding band. Dean takes it and repeats their vows, adding on what Cas said, words he’ll never forget. He slides the ring on Cas’ finger and kisses it, then kisses him.

“No getting out of it now, Winchester,” Cas teases. “You’re kinda stuck with me.”

“Kinda happy to be stuck with you, Milton,” Dean says as he climbs into his lap, convincing him to have one more romp before they have to leave. They never did get a honeymoon, but for now, before they get back to their family, they can have this. There will be time for honeymoons or familymoons later. They have the rest of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this would be a good ending, but Dean said no, so... last chapter next Tuesday. I will reserve all of my gushing about how wonderful you all are until then. :) <3


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe it’s over! Heartfelt thanks and a preview of my next fic in the end notes. <3

Dean is nervous as hell, but that’s not a surprise. Anyone would be in his position. For now, though, he places it out of his mind. He stands at the side of the stage, hidden from the audience by curtains and equipment, and listens with pride and adoration as Cas delivers the keynote address at a conference for national experts in his field, which is blessedly right here in Boston. Even after all these months, all these years, he still can’t quite believe how good destiny was to him by giving him his husband, with whom he celebrates an anniversary tomorrow. He rolls the stroller back and forth to keep the kids sleeping. It doesn’t work. Robbie wakes, and he knows there’s going to be trouble if he spots Cas. Just as he starts to roll the stroller backwards for a hasty exit, Robbie spies his Dad and lets out a pitiful, ear-piercing wail and a call of “Daaaaa-deeee!” It gets the attention of most of the audience. Cas stops.

“Is he okay?” Dean hears Cas ask him from the stage. He has Robbie in his arms now, and he nods and waves Cas off even as huge tears erupt from Robbie’s eyes. His lip is quivering as he screams and reaches his arms out for his Dad.

“Excuse me a moment,” Cas says to the audience. “You can bring him over,” he says to Dean. At Dean’s protest, he says, “Really, it’s fine. Actually, it’ll help me out.” Dean relents and they meet halfway across the stage. Cas takes their son, who settles with hiccuping breaths against Cas’ chest, muffling his lapel microphone. Cas kisses Dean’s cheek before Dean scrambles with an apologetic look off the stage.

Cas switches Robbie to his other arm and adjusts the mic, then turns to the audience. “Isn’t he cute?” he asks, to roaring applause. “I was talking about my husband, by the way,” he grins, to laughter and more applause. Cas turns and winks at Dean, who shakes his head and smiles bashfully. He smooths his hand on Robbie’s back. “We all know this little guy is cute.” He paces the stage for a moment, cooing soothing words to his son before he resumes his talk.

"He’s been wanting me this month. Last month it was all about my husband, Dean, and I couldn’t get the time of day.” He smiles warmly. “So Robbie here has unwittingly given me a very good illustration of my talk today. Robbie represents technology. He is a powerhouse of stunning potential that my husband and I have ‘programmed,’ so to speak. Every day we add to his programming, and he amazes us with the output we get from him. He is bright, surprising, interactive, and totally captivating, and his factory settings came with the ability to engage us so completely that we _must_ pay attention to him. We, in fact, have the potential to become slaves to him.” The audience laughs. “But we know what we’re creating here. We’re creating an intelligence that will be unleashed onto the world and will have an impact on each person with whom he interfaces. So we have a responsibility, don’t we? As parents, Dean and I can look at our sons and say, ‘Oh, what lovely children they are! They are perfect in every possible way!’ because we are completely in love with them. But they aren’t perfect. They must be taught things like empathy, they must be taught to think of others as well as themselves, they must be taught to do no harm. And how do we do this? We do this by communicating and, often, by disagreeing.” More laughter. “Dean and I have to talk through those disagreements until we come up with the code that we want our children to have programmed in their systems. We call these morals and values. It’s good that we do this. It works because we talk about the pros and cons, we talk about the outcomes, and this is what's missing in this digital era. We don't talk enough before we implement decisions and shiny new technologies. We get excited, and what happens when everyone’s excited and agrees with each other? We don't question. Nobody tries to play devil’s advocate. And that’s dangerous. If we all agree, then decisions are made without being thoughtful and then unseen consequences occur and we all wring our hands and say, ‘Well, it couldn't be because of our X-Y-Z technology because we all agreed.’ Oh yes, we all agreed, but that doesn't mean it was the right decision. We need to talk. We need to think critically. This is what we need to do when we’re nurturing our tiny little technologies into something that will grow up and impact the world.” He kisses Robbie on his head of thick, blond hair.

“Like conversations about parenting, conversations about ethics, about morals and values, are not quick and they’re not easy. I want to remind you that ethical dilemmas are not dilemmas because they’re right versus wrong. They’re dilemmas because they’re right versus right. I once had to make a huge decision and I had important people in my life, people I trusted and whose thoughts and opinions I valued, arguing on either side of it. Both decisions had pros and cons, and both decisions had a rightness about them, though the rightness of each decision was easily argued. There was no easy, clean decision. I had to think about who would benefit and how the greatest positive impact could be made. And I admit, there was selfishness and guilt in it, too, just as there can be with our own work, because we’re so invested. That’s why we need others to argue with us. We need to think and to understand that in most large decisions, there is no neat, easy answer. The decision I made wasn’t easy, and I had to fix some things along the way to make things right, but you know, the outcome was pretty damn great, I have to tell you.” He kisses his son’s head again and glances over at Dean with a smile. “And so would I urge you, as you're thinking about the latest technologies, as you're creating and shaping the future — think about the impact, think about what you're doing as you're creating the systems. And as you’re blowing everyone’s minds and doing wonderful things, think about how what you’re creating changes people and whether that's okay. But most importantly, talk it out with others and accept that you don’t have all the answers. Get people to disagree with you. If you never have anybody disagree with you, you're going to lose and humanity’s going to lose. Thanks.”

Cas nods and waves his thanks to a thunderous standing ovation. When he finally leaves the stage, he falls into Dean’s waiting arms. “So fucking proud of you, Cas,” he whispers in his ear. Cas squeezes him tighter in thanks and kisses his cheek before he places a much happier Robbie into the stroller. He takes a drink of water and gives Dean one more kiss before stepping out to greet a bunch of people who want his ear. Dean waits in a corner in the hall, out of the way of the conference attendees. He’s glad their flight doesn’t leave for another four hours. He knew it would take a while for Cas to get out of here. As the time gets closer for them to leave (considering traffic to Logan), Dean starts to panic about how he’ll be able to tear Cas away without him catching on that something’s up. A couple of fussy, hungry little ones does the trick. Cas hears them across the hall and graciously (Dean assumes) excuses himself.

“We should probably get them some chow,” Dean says. Cas agrees, and they head into the cool, clear October day. “Over here,” Dean says as he heads toward an elongated black SUV while Cas heads toward the T station, since they’d taken the subway here. Cas’ face contorts in confusion as he follows and climbs in. Mary and Laurel are already seated but climb out to help strap the kids into their car seats and give them snacks.

“What’s all this?”

“Happy almost anniversary, babe. We’re heading to the airport.”

“We are?”

“Yup. Time to get that honeymoon, don’t you think?”

Cas smiles and pulls his husband in for a kiss. “You are full of surprises,” he murmurs.

“Always have been,” he winks.

The car drops them off, and they say goodbye to their children and mothers. Dean hurriedly gets the luggage from the trunk with the driver before Cas can help.

“Bermuda. You romantic,” Cas says when they get to the gate.

“What can I say? You bring out the romantic in me.”

The flight, other than Dean’s usual discomfort with flying, is uneventful. They check into their hotel and get room service, then indulge in their outdoor shower.

“You know, I had to work really hard not to think about you in this shower the last time we were here,” Cas purrs against Dean’s shoulder blade as he glides his hands up his sides.

“Once I realized my feelings for you, that became a frequent fantasy of mine,” Dean sighs, enjoying the slide of his husband’s hands on his skin.

“Well, since you’re my dream come true, why don’t I make your dream come true, hmm?”

_You already have_ , he thinks, but hums his assent. Soapy hands, full lips, and the thrill of being outdoors turn Dean into a quivering mess. Cas’ talented fingers finish the job as Dean comes hard onto the stonework surrounding the shower. Cas follows, coming hard onto his husband before he rests against his back.

“Better than my fantasy,” Dean murmurs lazily afterward as he leans against the stonework. Cas hums his agreement into his neck before straightening and stretching.

“Do you want to take a walk along the beach? It’s still early.”

Dean bites his lip and thinks. He takes longer than a simple question should take to answer. “Dean?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry. Yes. Still a little loopy,” he laughs, gesturing to his head.

“You are too cute.” He kisses Dean’s plush mouth before he heads inside. As soon as he closes the bathroom door, Dean is on his phone. Getting the confirmation he needs, he relaxes and throws on some clothes, then joins Cas at the sink. Two minty-fresh mouths later, they head out.

“I love the beach,” Cas sighs as they walk hand-in-hand. “I thought many times about buying a house on the beach, or a vacation home at least.”

“Yeah? How come you never did?”

He shrugs. “I wanted children. I needed the money more than the house.”

“Softie. You had a motorcycle, though.”

“Yeah. A friend needed cash and I was feeling hopeless about having children and sorry for myself, so I bought it. Played around for a year or so, but by then I was feeling hopeful again and it wasn’t really my thing, anyway. Mike had always wanted one so I gave it to him. I’m glad he’s finally using it.”

“He’s turned Hannah into a motorcycle mama,” Dean laughs. “That trip they took together really cemented it.”

“It did. I think he’s going to buy one for her so they can ride together.”

“That’s cool. His business has really taken off, huh?”

“It has. I’m really happy for him. Don’t tell him this, but I don’t really think it would’ve worked out for him when he was younger. Much as he hated that job he was in, it gave him a lot of contacts and know-how he wouldn’t have had otherwise.”

“Sometimes the shitty stuff in your life leads you to what’s meant to be, I guess.”

Cas smiles fondly at his husband. “Very true, hon.”

Back at the hotel, Cas frets. “Do you think we should call the kids?”

“Nah,” Dean says. “I texted my mom earlier while you were in the bathroom and they’re pretty tired. I bet she’s gonna try to get them down early.”

“Yes, but they might give her an easier time if they can see us to say good night.”

“Or they’ll give her a harder time. You saw Robbie earlier. If he sees you again he’ll probably pitch a fit and make things worse.”

“Yes, okay, you’re probably right,” Cas pouts before ducking into the bathroom to take out his contacts. Dean sighs and looks heavenward once he’s out of sight.

The men fall asleep easily, the breeze drifting over their bodies from the French doors. In the morning, Dean surprises Cas with a “blowjob/breakfast combo,” to which Cas rolls his eyes (but he isn’t complaining, not at all). They eat and chat amiably, though Dean checks his phone and texts quite a bit.

“Something wrong?”

“No, no, just checking on the kids.”

“Oh, how are they?” Cas leans forward to read the messages.

“Oh, they’re good! Here, I’ll scroll back so you can read… ah, shit.”

“What?”

“Hit the wrong thing and deleted them all.”

Cas squints at him. “How the hell did you do that? That’s kinda hard to do accidentally.”

Dean fidgets. “I dunno. Special kind of stupid, I guess.”

“Stop that.”

“Sorry. She said they’re fine. Chasing Ma’s cat and driving him nuts.”

“I thought they were at our house?”

“They are. I mean, they’re staying there, but Mom brought them to Ma’s this morning to hang out while she gets some stuff done.”

“Oh, I see. Alright, let’s get some sun, shall we?”

“Let’s,” Dean replies with his most dazzling smile. He quietly breathes in relief.

Dean is distracted, Cas can tell. He’s not sure what has him preoccupied, and when he asked he denied it. He’s been checking his phone a lot and he couldn’t seem to relax when they went for their massages. When Cas wanted to go to the beach again this afternoon, Dean nearly jumped out of his skin and they had to use the pool instead. Now Dean wants to go for tea but insists on going down without him to make sure they have room for them. It’s all very suspicious, until Cas figures it out. Dean’s planning some sort of surprise anniversary thing. Probably planning a special dinner or something, maybe on the beach. Relief floods his system. Now his strange behavior makes sense. Cas relaxes and waits for Dean to return. He knocks on the door. Probably wants to pick him up, like a date. _Adorable_.

Cas swings the door open. “Hello… Charlie?”

“Hey sweetie, come with me!” Her gleeful smile is both infectious and confusing.

“What are you…”

“Come on!”

Charlie leads him to a room a floor up — her room that she’s sharing with his sister, by the looks of things. Anna is applying mascara in the mirror.

“What are we doing here? What are _you_ doing here?”

“Take a shower! Go, go!”

“But…”

“Go! But be quick!”

Cas does what he’s asked, puzzling over what the hell is happening right now. He steps into the bathroom (no fancy outdoor shower in this room, apparently) and quickly slathers himself in coconut-aloe soap, then rinses and dries. He finds a pair of white boxer briefs on the vanity and pulls them on before stepping out of the bathroom.

“Good! Okay! A spritz of this” — Charlie sprays a vanilla musk toward his chest — “and some of this” — she smears shave gel all over his cheeks — “okay, go! Shave! Quick, but don’t cut yourself!”

The steam has cleared some, but not enough, so he hastily wipes the mirror and fills the sink with water. He strips away the day of stubble with the new blade she gave him. Satisfied, he drains and rinses the sink, then turns off the vent fan and the light. When he emerges, more people crowd the room.

“What are you all doing here?” he asks Mike, Gabe, and Balthazar.

“Getting you married for realsies,” Gabe says, holding out a garment bag. Balth unzips the bag to reveal a champagne-colored suit, complete with jacket, vest, and Bermuda shorts. His father’s blue tie is draped around the top.

“Oh my God,” Cas whispers as he rubs the lapel between his thumb and index finger. He shakes his head. “Dean.” He looks at his friends and siblings. “Dean did this?”

“He did,” Mike smiles. “Get dressed. We’ve got a wedding to attend.”

He takes his suit and notices the other garment bags draped on one of the beds. Each of the men unzips theirs while Charlie and Anna swoop into the bathroom with bags of their own. Cas carefully removes the suit and feels his eyes well up.

“Not yet,” Balth says with a slap on the shoulder. “Wait ‘til you see your husband, hmm?”

Cas huffs a laugh and blinks rapidly. “You’re right,” he admits. While the other men change out of their t-shirt and shorts, Cas slips into his suit.

“Ladies!” Gabe yells as he knocks. “We need some hair junk, can I come in?”

“Entrez!” Anna trills. Gabe opens the door and Charlie and Anna step out, looking ravishing in creamy white dresses with a wide two-tone sash the colors of palm fronds and the sea.

“You two look gorgeous,” Cas says sincerely. Mike echoes his sentiment, while Balth and Gabe whistle.

“Thank you, thank you,” Anna says, curtsying. Charlie twirls, and the knee-length chiffon skirt floats around her.

“Let’s get your hair tamed,” Balth teases. It’s to no avail, of course, but Cas knows Dean likes it a little wild. He looks at the women in their dresses, the men in their creamy white jackets, blue Bermuda shorts, and blue and green striped ties, and himself in his own champagne suit and his beloved father’s tie, and it takes his breath away. Dean thought of every detail. It’s what he always imagined himself looking like on his wedding day (albeit with longer pants). He loves it.

“One more thing,” Gabe says. He pins a gardenia to Cas’ lapel. “You gay guys and your flowers,” he teases. Cas rolls his eyes.

“Ready to get married? Again?” Charlie asks with a grin.

“So ready,” Cas smiles. She hands him a small gift, and he laughs and nods, taking the time to make use of the gift before he leaves the room.

Dean stands back and looks at the fruits of their labors. He couldn’t have done this without his family and friends (and the hotel staff, of course). The gazebo, festooned with vines and flowers, overlooks the ocean. The white chairs are lined up in a few short rows. The path is clear, ready to be sprinkled with white petals. The camera and screen are set up. And all of the most important people to him are here.

“This is your last wedding, right?” his brother, dressed like Cas’ brothers, grins.

“Definitely,” he smiles back. “I just hope he likes it. Hope he’s not pissed or anything.” Dean had asked Cas’ family members about his dream wedding and tried to get Cas talking about it a few times. He managed to get enough details to hopefully give him the wedding he always deserved to have.

“Why would he be pissed?”

“I dunno. I’m springing this on him.”

“Uh, if he wasn’t pissed about you springing the whole ‘I’ll be your fake husband so you can adopt a kid’ thing on him, I can’t imagine he’ll be pissed about this.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I hope.”

“Of course I’m right. I’m always right.”

“Snot-nosed little brat,” he says, mussing his brother’s hair as Sam bats his hand away.

“Boys,” Mary chides. “Oh, Dean, you look so handsome.” She straightens the green striped tie, which stands out like a palm leaf against the sand. The rest of his suit is like Castiel’s. “I always wanted to see you all dressed up, marrying the person you love.”

“Mom,” Dean blushes.

“Well, it’s true. I never cared whether the person you married was a woman or a man. I just wanted you to marry someone who was good to you.” She fusses with his hair and brushes her hand down his freshly-shaved face.

“I did. I am.”

“I know.” She kisses him on the cheek. “I have never seen you so happy, sweetheart.”

Dean huffs a small smile and bows his head, trying not to cry. “I wasn’t, until I married him.”

“I know.” She pulls him into a hug, not worrying about tear stains on her dress.

“Okay, let’s have a wedding!” Kali shouts as she approaches Dean and his family. When she’s satisfied that Dean is ready, she nods and retreats. Mary and Sam follow.

Dean steps into place, with their family friend Joshua a few steps behind him. “Ready, son?” he asks.

“Ready,” he smiles, nervous yet certain. “Maybe you and Ma will be up here one day, huh?”

“Laurel’s a wonderful woman,” Joshua says about the woman he began dating over the summer, the two widows finally taking a chance after many years of friendship. “I would be a lucky man.”

“Just like me,” Dean winks.

The music starts and Dean waits. He waves first at everyone on the screen, who couldn’t make it but are watching from home: Jody, Garth and Bess, Crowley, Kevin, Becky, and Sarah. Claire, from Barcelona. Kaia, Claire’s friend-and-maybe-girlfriend, from college. Kimberly, who they’ve gotten to know a bit since his father’s death in August. Adam, his half-brother, who he’s been talking to since the funeral. Billie, Frank, and Ash. Kelly and Luke. Then he turns toward the path as everyone files down and to their seats: Shara, Anjuli, Lily, Nalia, and Ella, throwing white petals and twirling in their dresses. Cesar and Jesse and their kids. Jo and her boyfriend Ryan. Donna and her boyfriend Doug. Balthazar and Tabby. Charlie. Anna. Gabe and Kali. Sam and Eileen. Mike, Hannah, and Alfie, holding a box. Ellen and Bobby. His mom and Cas’ mom with Jamie and Robbie, bouncing balloons tied to their wrists. And finally, the love of his life. Cas strides toward him, more beautiful than any angel, his crystal blues never leaving Dean’s face.

Cas steps up into the gazebo and takes his hands. “Dean,” he murmurs, his name sweet on Cas’ lips.

“Cas,” Dean smiles as his eyes roam his gorgeous face. “Cas, I… what the hell are you wearing?”

Cas laughs aloud and feels his ears. “I relented,” he says, stroking the Spock ears Charlie gave him. Their family and friends break into laughter.

“You dork,” Dean chuckles. He plucks them off and lets them fall from his hands as he kisses him soundly.

“You can’t even wait ‘til the end?” Balthazar shouts.

“Nope,” Dean grins, to more laughter.

Joshua quiets the rowdy crowd and begins the ceremony. Laurel and Charlie read poems while Sam signs. Gabe sings and it makes everyone dab at their eyes. When it’s time to bless and exchange the rings, Cas and Dean remove the simple gold bands. Alfie steps up then, a teak box in his hands. Castiel is confused about his presence until their nephew opens the box and he sees gleaming bands of gold with white, yellow, and rose gold braiding through the center of each.

“The bands you will exchange now are a symbol of your commitment to each other, a reminder that you have chosen each other above all others,” Joshua says as he blesses the rings.

Cas tears up at Dean’s thoughtfulness. Dean tears up at Cas’ joy (and his own). They exchange the same vows as the day of their private ceremony in Provincetown as they place the new bands on their left fingers. Cas wonders what they’ll do with the gold bands he’d grown attached to. Joshua answers his unspoken question.

“The bands you have worn faithfully for two years are a symbol of commitment to your family. Wear them now as a reminder of your choice to love and raise your children together.”

Dean takes Cas’ ring from the box, where it was temporarily placed. He holds it against his fingertip and says, “Castiel, please accept this ring as a renewed commitment to our family. I promise to love you and our children forever, to stay through the good times and the difficult ones. I promise to raise them with you to become strong, compassionate people, to be a strong, compassionate parent, and to support you in the same.” He slides the familiar ring on his right hand. It’s a little more snug on his dominant hand, but it still fits.

“Dean,” Cas rasps through his narrowed throat before flinging his arms around him. Dean rocks him back and forth for a moment as they forget about everyone else.

“Castiel,” Joshua says, getting his attention. Cas takes Dean’s ring and says, “Dean, please take this ring as a symbol of… crap, I don’t remember what you said,” he cries, to the amusement of everyone. Dean wipes his husband’s face.

“I’m sorry. I had months to practice. Not really fair to you,” he grins. “Just say whatever you want.”

Cas nods. “Dean, please accept this ring as a renewed commitment to our family. Ha, I remembered that part,” he chuckles. Dean smiles at him fondly. “I promise to love you and our children unconditionally for the rest of my life. I promise, with your help, to teach them what they need to become their best selves, people they are proud to be. I promise that no matter what, I will always put our family — you and the kids — first. I love you.” He slides the ring on Dean’s finger.

Now it’s Dean’s turn to wipe his eyes. “Love you,” he says, squeezing his hands.

Joshua says a few more words about their commitment to each other before he says, “In front of God and all of your loved ones, I am happy to reaffirm your marriage. You may, if you wish, seal your renewed commitment with a kiss.”

Cheers erupt as Dean and Cas join their lips together, committed even more fully to each other than they already were. Excitement for the future and an abiding sense of a deep, forever love infuses their kiss. They part to wolf whistles from the screen and their brothers.

Dean and Cas face their guests and Joshua puts a hand on each of their backs. “And may I be the first to introduce you to Castiel and Dean Milton!” Joshua announces with a flourish, to wild applause. Cas immediately turns to him and shakes his head.

“Joshua, he’s not…”

“Yes, I am,” Dean corrects him gently. He strokes his face. “You’re Milton, the boys are Milton. I want to be Milton.” Cas is speechless, breathing shallowly against Dean’s thumb, which rests on his trembling lip. Dean smiles gently and rests their foreheads together.

“I kinda love you, Milton,” Cas murmurs against his husband’s lips.

“I kinda love you, Milton.” Dean completes their kiss.

“Daa-dee! Up!” Robbie clamors.

“Up-up! Da!” Jamie joins in.

“Hello, my babies,” Cas greets their sons, even though they’re 16 months and not _quite_ babies anymore. The fathers lift the kids into their arms, then step down to accept the love their family is waiting to wrap them in.

After hugs and kisses are traded, everyone wanders toward the food. The men would like to, also, but first they stop to greet their video guests and thank them for coming.

“Thank you so much, all of you. I can’t believe you all kept this from me!” Cas laughs.

Dean’s work friends all speak at once, giving their congratulations. They had reacted quite well when Dean fessed up about their original wedding, as did everyone else they’d told.

“Too bad Benny couldn’t make it,” Crowley says sarcastically, earning a number of groans.

“Yeah, something tells me he would’ve responded to the invite with his regrets,” Kevin comments.

“I think he had plenty of regrets to send, don’t you?” Crowley says with a smirk.

“Behave yourself,” Jody scolds as she playfully slaps his arm.

“What?” Dean asks. “Do you know something?”

“No,” Kevin answers while Crowley retorts, “That man was in Narnia.”

“Daddy issues,” Becky sing-songs under her breath.

“You don’t know that,” Jody scolds again, this time to both Crowley and Becky. “And it doesn’t matter anymore. I heard he’s quite happy back in Louisiana. He’s working on his family’s boat. Even grew a beard.”

“He’s quite familiar with beards, as I recall from his bragging about his various women,” Crowley mumbles.

Just about everyone chimes in then, comments ranging from ‘toxic masculinity’ to ‘bitter and alone’ to ‘a crush turned bad’ to ‘we don’t actually know’ and on and on.

“Okay!” Dean interrupts the noise, laughing along with his work friends. “Listen, I hope he’s happy, whatever his issue was. Anyway, we’re really glad you could make it.”

“Nice shorts. You guys are such dads,” Claire comments with fondness. “Have to tell you, the boys are much cuter.” The boys are wearing Caribbean blue short-sleeved shirts, green shorts, and blue and green clip-on ties.

Cas kisses Robbie’s sun-kissed cheek. “I agree, although Dean is a close runner-up.” Dean nudges him lightly, pink tingeing his cheeks.

Cas’ co-workers tease him about his obliviousness and assure him that his work is covered for the next several days. Kimberly and Adam both thank them for allowing them to be part of their special day. Kaia and their neighbors offer their congratulations. Soon Gabe is calling them over “before we give up on photos and eat all the scones,” which gets Dean’s attention. They bid goodbye to everyone on the screen and wander to their in-person guests and the photographer, who takes a variety of pictures of the happy couple and their family. Everyone heads back to their rooms to change to something more beach-appropriate and child-friendly (sticky fingers and white clothes do not go well together), then meets back for the reception on the sand.

Cas is amused to see a variety of scones and condiments, as well as finger sandwiches. There’s heartier fare cooking nearby, something smoky and spicy. Fish chowder is served in tiny cups. Several of the dishes have rum. The kids are warned against eating anything from that table. The couple, now dressed in navy blue shirts and green shorts, help the kids with their food, then let them play while they eat their own. After dinner, the music changes from soft calypso-inspired tunes to a song Cas knows well.

“May I have this dance?” Dean asks, standing and offering his hand. Grammy and Mimi watch the boys as the husbands wade through the sand and wrap their arms around each other.

“I love this song,” Cas says, leaning against Dean’s solid chest.

“I know,” Dean says with a cheeky grin. He croons the words in his ear:

_You're my first love, you're my last_

_You're my future, you're my past_

_And loving you is all I ask, honey_

_All I ever need is you_

“Dean,” Cas sighs. Dean brushes his forehead with his lips.

_Some men follow rainbows, I am told_

_Some men search for silver, some for gold_

_I have found my treasure in your soul, honey_

_All I ever need is you_

“This is some real romantic shit,” Cas jokes as his emotions threaten to well inside his chest yet again. Dean smiles. He knows what Cas is doing.

“I like romantic shit,” he whispers. “And you deserve it. All of it.” Cas pulls him closer as he sings the last line, then adds, “All I ever need is you and our family, babe.”

“Me too, honey,” Cas smiles.

They dance with their children, family and friends (the sight of Bobby dancing to “Macarena” is one no one will ever forget), feed each other wedding scones (coconut mango), and swim until the stars come out. Bobby and Ellen and Laurel and Joshua excuse themselves to get some rest. Cas follows Mary to put the boys to bed, then joins his spouse, siblings, and friends at the fire on the beach while the kids build sand castles. Dean hands Cas a rum swizzle and makes room for him to sit between his muscled legs.

“You guys suck, I’ll have you know,” Cesar whines. “Now I’ve gotta do something big for our anniversary.”

“It’ll be fifteen years on New Year’s,” Jesse reminds him. “Surely that calls for something big.”

Dean and Cesar crack up over the obvious joke. Cas rolls his eyes and changes the subject. “I’m surprised the kids weren’t complaining about missing the Halloween party,” he says to Gabe.

“Oh, they did, but then they found out they could dress up and it was all good.”

Anna adds, “I told Nalia she could stay home if she didn’t like it and oh, the fit she threw. _No! I wanna be a flower girl!_ ” The group laughs at Anna’s foot-stomping imitation.

“So what’s next after tonight for the Miltons?” Hannah asks.

Cas leans back against Dean. “Well, we keep living life, I guess. We're signing the boys up for swim lessons. I have a business trip in a couple of weeks, then we have to get ready to host Thanksgiving this year. Long-term, we want to do some work on the house, take the kids to Disney…”

“Maybe have another kid?” Cas turns in surprise to see Dean’s wide-eyed hopefulness.

“Maybe,” he smiles, stroking Dean’s cheek. “We have so much to look forward to together.”

Hannah laughs. “I was talking about this week, Cas. Your honeymoon.”

“Oh,” he chuckles, embarrassed. “Ah, well… I’d like to enjoy some time with all of you and the boys, but mostly I just want to have my way with my husband as often as possible.” Everyone laughs as Dean kisses Cas’ temple.

“I think that’s our cue,” Dean winks. They bid goodnight to everyone, then make their way to their room.

And have his way he does. Cas rips the clothing off his husband as soon as the door clicks behind them. He attacks Dean’s mouth ferociously, sucking and biting as if he’ll never have the chance again. Dean can barely hang on for the ride as he groans into Cas’ mouth. Cas is usually more subdued, since they can’t risk making a lot of noise with the boys sleeping down the hall, so the wilder, desperate side of Cas is _fucking hot_. Dean scrambles to the bed. He briefly thinks about the shower or veranda, but knows by the heat in Cas’ touch that they will be much too loud. He wouldn’t have much of a choice, regardless, because Cas is already on top of him, straddling his hips and shrugging off his shirt impatiently. Cas stands on the bed and drops his shorts and boxer briefs in the same impatient manner, then kneels over Dean, hands on either side of his head. The intensity of his azure stare has Dean hard and squirming. “You are my fucking dream come true, do you know that, Mr. Milton?” He captures his lips before Dean can answer. “I love you so much,” he adds. “Want you so much.” He drapes himself head-to-toe on Dean’s body. “Whatever you want. Anything you want, name it. It’s yours.”

“You. In me. Now,” Dean growls, finally able to breathe long enough to get the words out.

“Yes, sir,” Cas purrs against his lips before bruising them once again.

Their lovemaking encompasses everything in their relationship: passion, desire, tenderness, connection, humor, and pure, unadulterated want. When Cas eases into Dean, they moan and clutch each other, whispering love and devotion. When Dean flips them and rides his husband for the first time, they stare and pant and lock hands. When they orgasm within seconds of each other, they howl and shout and collapse and laugh when someone pounds on their wall.

As the clock ticks silently to midnight, Cas and Dean clean each other and brush their teeth. Dean is exhausted, the stress of keeping all of the wedding plans a secret finally catching up to him. When Cas steps outside, though, Dean follows and presses his chest into Cas’ back, wrapping his husband tightly in a hug.

“You’ve earned so many cosmic brownie points,” Cas smiles as he squeezes Dean’s arms.

“That’s good. I’m saving ‘em up again.”

“Oh yeah? For what?”

“Mmm, I don’t know. For when I screw up and piss you off, maybe.” They snicker quietly. “Or maybe for if we have another kid. Or I’ll donate them to someone else. Who knows? It’s good to have ‘em if you need ‘em.”

Cas sighs and leans further into Dean. “So responsible.”

“Just practical.”

They look up at the stars as the gentle shush of the ocean sings a lullaby. “Hawaii,” Dean says.

“Hawaii?”

“Yeah. Something else for the long-term. Our familymoon. I was gonna do it for the wedding but I didn’t think the kids could handle the flight yet.”

“No, you’re right.”

“Someday, though. You wanna?”

“I’ll do anything as long as it’s with you.”

“Thank God or we never would’ve gotten past the first interview.”

“We never would’ve had the kids. And maybe not us.”

Dean huffs sadly. “I can’t even imagine.”

“And you don’t have to,” Cas assures him. He turns and threads his arms through Dean’s in a gesture reminiscent of their first hug. “It was kinda crazy, the way we started our little family. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

“Me neither, babe.” He kisses Cas on the nose and they head into their room.

“I’m not tired yet,” Cas pouts. “Still too amped up. I have my laptop. Wanna watch _Futurama_?”

Dean nods, even though his fatigue hasn’t faded, and grabs them a couple of beers from the small fridge. “Wish we had some soft pretzels right now. Or some wiener schnitzel.”

“Are there any German restaurants on the island?” Cas asks, excitement in his voice. “We should find out.”

“I guess we know what’s next for the Miltons,” Dean snickers. He snuggles Cas into his side and they settle in for the first night of the rest of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song our boys dance to is “All I Ever Need Is You” by Sonny and Cher.
> 
> One fun fact before I start weeping — I wrote about them liking Futurama, but didn’t realize that one of our SPN alum voiced one of the characters! Lauren Tom, who plays Linda Tran, voices Amy. :)
> 
> And now... holy crap, you guys. This has been the most wonderful journey. This is my longest fic so far, and one that has been very close to my heart. Even though I wrote it, it really feels like I was just a witness to their love story. It was an honor. The biggest honor for me, though, was the support and the love and the emotions you all shared with me. It’s gratifying as a writer to know that people enjoy my work. It’s even more important and special to me, though, to know that this story has impacted many of you personally — whether it was because you were having a rough time, or because you related to something in the story, or because you looked forward to some happy feelings after a long week. Please know that every single one of you who took the time to walk this journey — whether you chose to comment or not — are special to me, and I am grateful for you. <3
> 
> I love this family and I will definitely write more about them. If you’re interested in following them, please subscribe to the series Kinda Like Love (not the story itself, because I won’t be adding chapters). If you like my work, you can also subscribe to me as an author if you so choose. I recognize many of you from other stories and always enjoy seeing your names pop up! :)
> 
> I am on Tumblr, but I honestly haven’t been there in two months because I’ve been so focused on this. I suck at keeping up with SM. ;) My apologies if any of you have followed me and tried to say hi and I haven’t responded. A thousand lashes with a wet noodle for me. I’m going to try to check it out this weekend. :)
> 
> And finally, a preview of my next work, posting soon!
> 
> Neighborly
> 
> Funny how you can live in a neighborhood and not know your neighbors, the people who share the same roads, airspace, and hornet problems, the people you see every day. Castiel’s neighbors don’t really know him and haven’t tried to, which is just how he needs it to be to stay safe and alive. His new neighbor, though, throws a wrench into his foolproof plan — Dean Winchester, eternally cheerful, trusting, and handsome, wants to know him, wants to be close to him, wants to be more with him. Castiel is afraid… but when he’s with him, he feels safe and alive in a whole new way that seems more important and worthy than simply existing. But for Dean to really know him, he has to know Castiel’s past. Can Castiel open himself up? Will Dean stay once he knows?
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you so much to all of you! <3


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